The A.D.’s Office
Author: Frohike
Email: frohike51@aol.com
Rating: Um…terminally silly? PG-13
Category: comedy…at least I hope so *g*
Spoilers: *snicker* Not bloody likely.
Distribution: Anywhere you want, just leave my name and email addy attached. Drop me a line so I can come visit, please.
Disclaimer: This has been totally and completely ripped off from the fine boys of the Monty Python gang. ::Frohike puts on a black mustache and white head kerchief. I was just ‘aving a bit ‘o fun guys:: (You might be a Python if you get that reference. *g*) Sorry boys, no cash, so don’t sue. I will, however, be happy to send you my last can of Spam, interested? As for the X-Files characters, they belong to the Master of Yuppie Morbidity, 1013 Productions, FOX, yadda, yadda, yadda. Just borrowing them CC, everyone will be returned unharmed; except for the Fowl one, but you should have thought of that before you let her out of the house unattended.
Feedback: Yes please. Write it on a can of Spam and chuck at the window, will ya, mate?

Thanks, Mim, for being probably the only person who will actually read this bit of mindless prattle.

Right, enough of that…and now for something completely different.

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CSM enters AD Skinner’s office and places a mannequin-like Agent Fowley in a chair. He’s wearing his I-have-a-bone-to-pick-with-you face.

CSM: Hello Skinner, I’m here to register a complaint.

Skinner: What is it now?

CSM: I wish to return this agent I lured away from you not half an hour ago.

Skinner: Oh yes, Diana Fowley…I knew she was up to no good…What seems to be the problem with her?

CSM: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with her, Skinner. She’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with her!

Skinner: No she’s not, she’s just resting.

CSM: Look Skinner, I know a dead agent when I see one; I’ve watched presidents die. This is a dead agent.

Skinner: No, no, no, she’s not dead, she’s just resting. Remarkable agent that Fowley. Talk her way into anything, that one.

CSM: Talking doesn’t enter in to it. She’s stone dead.

Skinner: No, really, she’s just resting.

CSM: All right, if she’s just resting, I’ll wake her up. (Shouting) Hello Agent Fowley. I’ve got a lovely DAT for you… (Skinner kicks the corpse.)

Skinner: There, she moved.

CSM: No she didn’t, you kicked her.

Skinner: That’s ridiculous, I would never kick an agent.

CSM: You just did!

Skinner: I did not!

CSM: (shaking the chair and yelling at Fowley) Hello Agent Fowley! Testing…the aliens have landed. This is your 9 o’clock colonization call! (He takes Fowley’s head and repeatedly bangs it on Skinner’s desk. Pushes the chair over and watches her crash to the floor.)

CSM: Now that’s what I call a dead agent.

Skinner: No she’s not, you’ve just stunned her!

CSM: Stunned her!

Skinner: Yeah, just as she was waking up, too. Agent Fowley stuns easily, that’s all noted in her last evaluation. You really should be a little more circumspect in your choice of agents.

CSM: Now look here, I’ve had all of this I intend to take. That agent is definitely deceased and when I lured her away not half an hour ago, you assured me that her total lack of movement was due to her being tired and totally worn out from a prolonged shagging session with Agent Mulder.

Skinner: Well, she’s probably, just…pining away for Agent Mulder.

CSM: Pining away for Mulder? What kind of nonsense is that? Look, why did she fall over the minute I got her into the car?

Skinner: Agent Fowley prefers to sleep on her back. What? Don’t you have a preferred sleeping position?

CSM: Look, I took the liberty of examining Agent Fowley when I got her down to the car. I found out that the only reason she was sitting upright was that there was a steel rod shoved firmly up her ass!

Skinner: Of course we jammed a rod up her ass, how else were we going to make her stay put until you got here? If we hadn’t done that, she would have been down in the basement screwing Mulder again!

CSM: Screwing Agent Mulder? This agent couldn’t screw in a light bulb if you put 4 million volts in her! She’s fucking demised!

Skinner: No, no, no, she’s just pining.

CSM: (becoming increasingly animated with each statement.) She’s not pining. She’s passed on! This agent is no more! She has ceased to be! She’s gone to meet her maker! She’s a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace! If you hadn’t shoved a steel rod up her ass, she’d be pushing up daisies! Her metabolic processes are now history! She’s off the twig! She’s kicked the bucket! She’s shuffled off her mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the damned choir invisible!! THIS IS AN EX-AGENT!!!

(Pause)

Skinner: Well then, I guess I’d better replace her. (Looks through his day planner.) Sorry, I’m all out of double agents right now. I’ve got a Jeffery Spender, bit of a mama’s boy, but he is alive.

CSM: (sighs) Never mind. (Picks up the deceased Diana Fowley.) A dead agent is better than a Spender any day.

(CSM leaves the room)