Absence Of Fear

Chapter 4

Of Hopes And Fears

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters. I'm not a real doctor so any medical information could be inaccurate. I've tried to keep the trauma scenes in this chapter to a minimum as I'm not sure if people enjoy reading them or not. But some are necessary for this chapter so please bare with me. Thank you all so much for the excellent feedback, thanks!! I've tried to write this chapter up as quickly as possible for you all, so enjoy!!

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"Abby, Abby can you hear me?" John cried with a look of desperation upon his face as he helped to quickly transport the injured nurse into Trauma One. "C'mon Abby, wake up!"

"How long was she lying there?" Luka asked, accessing her level of consciousness.

"I don't know, I just found her lying at the top of the stairway surrounded by a pool of blood" John shook his head in despair, tears forming at the corners of his eyes as he spoke. He felt so helpless standing listening to Abby's lung sounds through his stethoscope. How could this be possibly be happening? It was Abby, she of all people didn't deserve this cruel fate. The male doctor sighed loudly as he looked down at her pale, limp body. Her lavender scrubs were soaked through in her own blood and her normally bright, sparkling eyes were shut tightly as though she were fast asleep. If only she was lying in the safety and comfort of her own warm bed, he thought, squeezing her cold hand with his own. She looked so frail and innocent lying perfectly still on the cold, steel gurney. Just like a little child.

"No response to command, Glasgow Coma Scale a six" Luka's thick Croatian accent broke John out of his worrying thoughts. "Start two large-bore IV's normal saline, 10 of atropine and 5cc's bolus every two minutes"

"Good breath sounds bi-laterally" Carter nodded his head as he spoke, trying to stay in a positive frame. "Lydia, are you working on her vitals?"

"BP's 80/50, pulse 120" the nurse answered, reading the numbers off the various monitors her workmate was hooked up to.

"get a blood gas, trauma panels and crit right away" Luka ordered as he examined the bleeding wound.

"Surgery's on it's way" Jing-Mei informed the group as she rushed through the doors into the trauma room accompanied by medical student Michael Gallant.

"We need an abdominal series" the Croatian attending instructed, shaking his head in confusion and shock at the whole scene. This was especially difficult for the man as it was his ex-partner lying in front of him bleeding to death. The woman he had loved, cherished, cared for and looked after. Although he had broke up with Abby almost a year ago, he still cared deeply about the woman. Maybe even a part of him still loved her. He still remembered all the tiny details that made her so special and unique. The way she would sometimes snort after laughing so much at one of his terrible jokes, the way she would bite her lower lip when matters were troubling her, the way she would wrap her arms around him tightly when frightened during a horror movie......there was no way he could let her die. Not when she still meant so much to him.

"Get four units of O Neg in here now and hang two on the rapid infuser" John tore his eyes away from Abby to assist Luka in trying to stop the heavy bleeding. "She could have lost at least a couple of liters upstairs" he speculated, talking barely louder than a whisper.

"I don't understand how this could have happened, who would want to hurt Abby, a patient?"

"She was looking for some psych patient a little earlier" Haleh explained as she worked feverishly at starting the patient's IV. "It didn't make sense when the patient just seemingly disappeared from the hospital"

"What the hell was she doing treating a mentally unstable patient by herself?" Carter shouted, biting his lower lip in frustration.

"She was assisting Dr Weaver" Lydia replied.

"Oh god" he exclaimed in sudden realization.

"What?" Luka inquired as he looked up at the other male physician.

"Was Susan with Kerry?"

"I think Dr Weaver went looking for her" Haleh answered, narrowing her eyes as she pondered on what John was thinking.

"Take two gurneys up to the rooftop now!" he roared loudly, his voice echoing clearly across the trauma room. Please let Susan be okay, he prayed, casting his eyes back down upon Abby. Please make all three pull through.

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"Kerry, Kerry open your eyes!" Jing-Mei commanded as she pushed the injured physician through the doors into trauma two.

"She's been unconscious for quite a while now" Susan spoke gravely as she prepared to lift Kerry onto the room's gurney. "Okay gently on my count, one, two, three!"

"120 of sux, I'll intubate" Chen ordered as Conni quickly brought over the intubation tray.

"Watch her bp and crit, put her on a pulse ox and hang two units of O Neg on the rapid infuser" Susan instructed, breathing heavily from shock and worry.

"How the hell did something like this happen?" Gallant shook his head in anguish as he tried to be helpful by watching the injured doctor's ever changing vitals closely.

"Lets just concentrate on helping Dr Weaver" she replied as Jing-Mei completed the intubation. "Start a central line, sterile drip and I'll take care of the chest tube"

"We need a CBC, blood gases and trauma panels" Chen added as she feverishly worked on starting the central line that would quickly administer the drugs Kerry urgently needed if there was any hope of saving her life.

"BP's 90/50, pulse ox 82" Gallant's voice shouted across the room as he quickly read off the vitals from the monitors surrounding the young med- student.

"Susan!" John exclaimed as he pushed open the doors and entered the trauma room. "Are...are you okay? Are you hurt? What....what the hell happened?" he asked, desperately searching for answers that would perhaps make sense of this horrible tragedy.

"A patient of Weaver's forced us onto the rooftop. I was trying to reason with him when he just....he just shot her" she answered speedily, there was no time to give specific details.

"Pressure's still low, she's hypertensive" Chuny informed the team.

"Give her 10 of dopamine" John instructed as he rushed over to the injured Chief's side. Her face was unrecognizable due to the pale color speckled with a few tiny droplets of blood. Her fragile body lay perfectly still, blood soaking her clothes wet. It was hard to believe that one tiny bullet could be capable of snatching a life away so easily.

"Susan are you okay?" he asked again, glancing over at Luka's attempts in the trauma room next door to stabilize Abby.

"I'm fine John, go help Abby" she told him as she focused her attention back to Kerry. C'mon Kerry, don't give up, she pleaded with the injured doctor. We've come this far, don't give up hope. There's always a chance. Always.

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"What on earth happened?" Donald Anspaugh exclaimed as he ran hurriedly into trauma one, grabbing a pair of sterile gloves and a gown.

"GSW to the lower abdomen, possible lacerations to the pancreas and liver" Luka explained as Donald joined the two male doctors by the gurney.

"She's still hypertensive" Lydia shook her head worryingly, still in complete shock that a fellow nurse and friend was lying before her with life- threatening injuries.

"Squeeze in another milligram of dopamine and 100 of lidocaine" Carter ordered, continuing to work on stopping the internal bleeding.

"Hang another two units on the rapid infuser" Luka added, biting down on his lower lip so hard that he could taste the blood in his mouth.

"So why wasn't this patient put in restraints?" John inquired, trying to make sense of the horrific incident. "How did he go missing?"

"I don't know John, it was Kerry who assessed him" Luka snapped, angry that the other doctor was seemingly trying to place the blame for the shooting on him.

"Surely someone must have seen him wandering around the hospital with a gun in his hands!"

"I never saw him, he wasn't my patient!"

"Well someone must be at fault here" John tried to maintain his calmness but his emotions were starting to get the better of him. He knew he was trying to place fault on anyone because he felt guilty for not protecting her. Not looking after her properly. He cared about her more than any other person he knew, how could he have allowed her to come to harm? Now that he faced losing this wonderful woman he had grown to care about so much, he realized the truth that he had tried his best to ignore. He loved her. He truly did love Abby Lockhart.

"Pressure's up to 100 systolic" Chuny tried to sound hopeful.

"Start a foley and a sterile drip"

"Give another milligram of atropine" the Croatian medic instructed.

At that moment Abby's eyes opened rather suddenly, blinking several times before finally focusing on John's concerned face.

"Abby, Abby can you hear me?" he asked in desperation, squeezing back his tears as best as possible.

"Yeh" she croaked, her eyes widening in horror as she realized what was happening all around her. At first the situation was just a blur. It seemed like a bad dream or an hallucination from a night of her excessive drinking. But as questions stormed inside of her, reality finally sank in as the young nurse realized she had been injured. Seriously injured. Breathing heavily she noticed how John never seemed to take his eyes off of her. Assessing her, staring at her, watching her ever so closely. As he watched her she could clearly see the concern and fear in his eyes. The exact same fear and concern that he had saw in her eyes when it was John lying on this gurney on Valentines Day. How their roles had been reversed.

"Do you remember what happened?" a familiar, deep voice asked from behind.

Squinting her eyes she managed to make out Luka's tall figure, the strong, intense light above the gurney reflecting upon her eyes as she stared at him.

"It...it happened....so fast" she explained, closing her small almond shaped eyes.

"Shhhh, it's okay Abby" John comforted her, smiling bravely at his dear friend. "it's okay, I promise"

"Damn it" Luka cursed as the monitors began bleeping wildly, the loud noise piercing through the room.

"What....what is it?" Abby's eyes widened in horror as she heard the high pitched whispers of the doctors around her. "What's happening?"

"She's bleeding out" Donald spoke gravely as the three man exchanged worried glances. "Hang another unit on the rapid infuser, I'm taking her upstairs now!"

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"Okay, what's the big emergency?" Robert asked sarcastically as he strolled leisurely into the trauma room. "Do I require the interruption of my coffee break simply to patch up some gang-banger?"

"It's Kerry" Susan spoke gravely as she looked up at him, her eyes weary and rather blood-shot.

"Oh....god" he swallowed, allowing the shock to sink in as he watched the team work on Kerry's motionless body. This couldn't possibly be happening again, the hospital couldn't lose another one of it's own. "How much blood lost?" he demanded to know, grabbing a gown and a pair of sterile gloves as he took charge of the awful situation.

"300cc's in the chest tray, could have lost another 2000 before help arrived" Susan answered.

"Looks like the bullet might have hit the kidney" Robert spoke aloud as he examined the source of the bleeding. "It could have traveled to the spleen or stomach"

"Pressure's down to 60" Gallant informed the team. "She's throwing PVC's"

"Another amp of epi" Jing-Mei ordered. "6 milligrams of adenosine, IV push"

"Lost the pulse!"

"Starting compressions" Susan informed everyone as she proceeded to press her hands down on Kerry's chest in a desperate bid to save their Chief. The life of the woman they had all once despised lay in their hands now.

"Push another 100 of lidocaine" Robert shouted across the room at the nurses, glancing up at the monitors as he continued to inspect and work on the bleeding wound. "Call upstairs and book an OR as well"

"V-Fib!" Chen yelled as the dreaded sound of a flatline echoed painfully through the tense atmosphere of the room.

"Paddles now" Robert motioned for the particular piece of equipment to be handed to him. "Charge to 200" Glancing up at Susan, he caught her worried stare as she watched him clutch the paddles tightly in his sweating, blood-stained gloves. Don't leave us Kerry, he pleaded with the injured woman lying before him. He would do everything for her that he couldn't do for Lucy Knight. He would make sure she pulled through safely. "Clear!"

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"Did you call the OR in advance?" Donald asked as he helped maneuver the gurney through the emergency department towards the elevators.

"They have a room ready" Haleh replied as she clutched the large, heavy drug box in her hands.

"You're going to be okay Abby, everything will be just fine" John tried his best to reassure the injured woman as she looked at him with fear and panic in her eyes. "You're a survivor, just hang in there"

"We'll take it from here Dr Carter" Donald held his hand out to prevent John from entering the elevator.

"I want to scrub in" he replied, determined to stay by Abby's side.

"Susan needs our help, c'mon Carter" Luka tried to pull the stubborn doctor away.

"Go help the others" Donald ordered as the elevator doors shut tightly, blocking John's sight of Abby.

"No, no I'm not leaving her side" he shook his head before sprinting in the direction of the stairs. But as he turned round, he suddenly caught sight of a very familiar face entering through the doors of the hospital........

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Authors Notes: So, what will happen to Kerry now that her life is in even more danger? Will Abby make it through her surgery safely? Will she learn of John and Luka's feelings towards her? And who exactly was that familiar face entering the hospital? Tell me if you want another chapter, feedback very welcome!!