The Choices We Make

Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters, I just wish I did.

This is a rather dark fic about love and the choices we make in life. It is told from

Abby's POV. Feedback always welcome, so read on and enjoy !!

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I'm sorry, I am so sorry.

I never meant for it to end like this, this wasn't how it was supposed to be. But can you really blame me for the decision I am about to make? I didn't mean to hurt you, I know I did and I'm sorry. But I swear from the bottom of my heart it wasn't intentional. People say the hardest thing in life is getting what you want, it's not though. The hardest obstacle in life is knowing what you want. I can't have what I want, that's why I'm doing this. I know you'll never understand my reasons, I'm not expecting you to either. I realise now that I can't make you love me. I was kidding myself to ever think I could. So I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry. This is just the choice I decided to make.

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As I look into the mirror that hang above the bathroom sink, I don't recognize the reflection anymore. My face is pale, my eyes look tired and puffy, my skin is red and blotchy. I hate the reflection. But most of all I hate myself. I don't know how I allowed my life to spiral into the mess it is now. I can't understand why I'm living in this constant unhappiness which is Abby Lockhart's life. It was never meant to be this way though, things weren't supposed to turn out the way they did. When I was a young child I had visions of me marrying my prince charming, having a wonderful job, raising two kids, spending time with all my wonderful friends and family........ That's all they were though, childish dreams I once stupidly believed in. I was foolish to think I could ever be happy, who am I kidding? Luka was right all along, I'm not that pretty or that special. Luka was so wonderful to me, yet I was so cold and distant towards him. How can I possible expect someone to love me when my heart is as cold as an icicle? My mother made my childhood a nightmare. The mood swings, the crying, the depression, the maniacal behavior. Despite all that children should love their parents no matter what. So why do I despise Maggie? Why do I walk away when I know she needs my help? Perhaps I was always meant to be a twisted person, perhaps that's just the way I'm meant to be.........

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I wrap my arms around my body and walk briskly towards the El. I love winter. Most people hate the cold season, so that must be why I love it. I always have to be different from everyone else. If black is in season, I'll wear red, it's the kind of person I am.

"You're such a twisted bitch Abby"

I laugh now when I remember Richard's cruel words to me during one of the regular arguments in our short marriage. At the time I felt like crying my heart out when he called me that, now I chuckle when I repeat his words inside my head. I knew we weren't meant to be for each other, but I simply didn't want to be alone. He offered me companionship, security, stability, but there was no love. Oh sure there was lust, but I think deep down we both knew we couldn't love one another. Soon that lust turned to scorn and hatred, and we found ourselves constantly arguing and fighting. An unhappy chapter in my life, one of many........

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Perhaps the one thing I regret most about my life is the abortion. At the time I knew I wasn't ready to look after a child. Richard and I were constantly bickering whilst living in a small, cramped flat, there was hardly any money left after paying his tuition fees, the bills etc What kind of atmosphere was that to bring up a baby in? But every day I wonder what it would have been like if I had kept the baby. My little son or daughter would have been six now, gawd, six years old. Time sure passes by quickly. I even wonder what I would have called the kid, Joshua or Connor, Jennifer or Natalie? So many choices. The guilt of killing my baby still eats away at me at times. That was the reason why I turned to alcohol, I stupidly thought drink could block the pain and guilt. Stupid me though. Many a night I have lain awake wishing I could turn back the time, but I can't. In my dreams I'm there holding little Josh. So maybe that's why I'm about to do what I've planned in doing over the past few months. What I've contemplated about a hundred million times before but have never actually had the nerve to go through with it. But there's one thing I have to do first, one thing that might change my mind............

Author's Notes: Okay it's weird, it's much different to my usual style of writing. So what is it Abby is planning? What might change her mind? And what other thoughts are running through her mind? Feedback always welcome!!