The Choices We Make

Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter 1, your feedback was very

encouraging, thanks!!

Hope you all enjoy chapter 2!!



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I know nobody will understand my reasons, but it doesn't matter anymore. This was my choice to make so I made it. You had a choice too, you could have said yes but instead you replied no. It hurt. It really, really hurt. I'm not doing this though to hurt you, it's because I have no other options. I can't carry on like this anymore, I can't and I don't wish to. This is the only way out, my one and only escape route.

What's the point in carrying on? There is no point. I was foolish to think I could make you love me, but that's me though, never thinking straight. For once in my life I let my heart rule my head, I won't make that same mistake again. I can't simply stand back and let you go, it's far too difficult. So I'm doing this to end my pain, to end my heartache. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It was never meant to be like this. I'm sorry. Sorry.

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I walked quickly across the road, gaining speed with every step I took. The heavy rain soaked her short hair but I didn't care. All I wanted to do was reach my destination, all I wished to do was see him. I hopped over a small puddle and landed gracely on the hard pavement. Running a hand through my soaked hair, I pushed open the large door and entered Doc Magoos. Randi told me came here about twenty minutes ago, I prayed he was still here. I desperately needed to find him, he was the only one who stood a chance of stopping me make perhaps the greatest mistake of my life. He was the only one who could rescue me now. I step inside the warm restaurant and scan the room for him. Damn, I can't find him, where is he?

"Abby" a familiar and welcoming male voice calls my name loudly.

"John" I smile in relief and walk towards the corner booth he was sitting at.

"Sit down" he motions for me to join him. "You want a coffee or something?"

"No thanks" I shake my head as I study the male doctor carefully. The tiny strands of his dark hair glitter from the bright lights on the pristine white ceiling. His tiny eyes seemed to sparkle as he slowly sips the scalding hot coffee from the mug he holds tightly in his hands. I am fascinated by his beauty and elegance, I could sit and admire him all day from behind the admit desk at the hospital. I'm not some lovesick teenager with a silly crush or anything, I think for the first time I truly feel love for someone. I think I love him.

"You okay Abby?" he asks worryingly.

"I'm fine" I reply nervously as I finally sit down on the hard seat beside him.

"You working tonight?"

"No, not on until tomorrow morning" I smile at him and lick my lips, wondering what I should say next. I knew I had to tell him, I had wanted to do so for so long. I didn't knew if I would be able to hide it for much longer, he deserved to know, he should know. I had to tell him, I had to. As I turn to face him my heart jumps in excitement and anticipation. This was it, it was now or never. "John......."

"What?" he asks, looking up at me with his glimmering chocolate brown eyes.

"There's........there's something I have to tell you" she spoke calmly and sincerely.

"You can tell me anything Abby, that's what friends are for"

Friends? I don't want you as a friend though John, I want more.

"Well you see that's the problem" I stammered, trying to find the right words to say. This was going to be a lot harder than I first imagined. "I........I think I love you" Damn, I'd said it. There was definitely no turning back now.

"No you don't" John chuckled bitterly as he quickly sipped the last few remaining drops of coffee in the white cup.

No I don't. What's that supposed to mean? I come here and pour out my heart to you and all you can do is laugh?

"What is that supposed to mean?" I inquire fiercely.

"You may think you love me Abby but you don't really" he answers my question, shattering my heart into a thousand and one tiny pieces in the process.

"But.....but I do" I protest, trying in vain to show him the truth. "Why is so hard for you to believe me?"

"The truth is Abby, you only think you love me because you don't have Luka anymore. Remember that day by the lakeside, the day I told you how I felt. You didn't tell me you loved me then, no, you went back to Luka that evening. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? I tell you I love you then you go home to another man."

"I was confused back then, I didn't know what I wanted"

"You still don't Abby. You don't know who you want to be with. You didn't love me enough when you decided to choose Luka instead of me and you still don't love me enough. You didn't fight for me, you didn't express your feelings when it mattered the most. I was there for you as a substitute for Luka, admit it"

"That's not true!" I growl between my teeth in anger. "I did love you back then, I just never admitted it to myself. I didn't want to hurt Luka, but I knew I didn't love him. And do you wish to know why? It was because I loved you, you, John Carter"

"It's too late though Abby, too much water has passed under the bridge now. The truth is I wouldn't know how to love you anymore. I gave you my heart once and you broke it"

"I didn't mean to hurt you John" I try my best to hold back the tears which are currently sliding down my cheeks, soaking the collar of my jacket.

"It doesn't matter anymore" John shakes his head sadly. "I love Susan"

Susan. Susan bloody Lewis. I despise that name now. I can't believe everything John has just said to me. He doesn't love me, he can't love me. I hurt him and now I'm paying the price. It's too late now, too late for us, and now too late for me. In a fit of tears I jump out of my seat and run as fast as I can out of the restaurant. I stop on the spot and allow the tears to flow down my face. He had rejected me, and it hurt so much. A feeling that couldn't even be translated into words. As the heavy rain pounded off my back, shoulders and head I trudged slowly through the empty streets. As I kicked an empty glass bottle that stood in my path, I suddenly realized that my life was so empty now. He hadn't been able to save me, nobody could save me now. There was only one real solution, and it had to be done. I had no other choice, this was the only way out.

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I always believed that love was this wonderful feeling that everyone deserved to experience at least once in their life. But it's not, believe me, it's not. Love hurts, it's as simple as that. The hardest thing in my life was trying to work out what I wanted. A normal childhood, a sane mother, Richard, children, working as a doctor, working as a nurse, Luka...........the list is endless. I've finally came to the realization that I want Carter, but I can't have him. He doesn't want me, how could I have been so stupid to ever think he would want me in the first place? C'mon this is me we're talking about, me, Abby Lockhart. I now know I can't make you love me John, I can't make you feel something you don't. But I can't simply stand back and watch you live your life with her. This is why I'm doing this, not to hurt you but to stop myself getting hurt. I can't take anymore heartache and pain, I need an escape from it all. What's the point in carrying on when I have nothing, when my life has become so empty? This is the consequence of loving someone too much. This is what happens when your heart won't allow you to move on or love anyone else. I'm doing this because you'll never love me, at least not in that way I would want you to. So as I sit here in the darkness of my flat clutching a large glass of vodka in one hand and a handful of pills in another, I want to apologize. I'm sorry, I am so sorry...........

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Want me to continue? What will happen next? Any ideas for this story or any other fanfics you'd like to see written? Let me know!!!