The Choices We Make

Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Okay first of all I'm very sorry chapter 3 took so long. By accident I put chapter 2 up as a

separate story which violated one of the site's rules, so I wasn't allowed to post anything

else for about a week so that is why chapter 3 is so late, I apologize again. As a result

chapter 2 was taken off the site so all your reviews were deleted, but I managed to read

them so a very, very big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, thanks for

encouraging feedback!! So enjoy chapter 3!!



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It doesn't matter how many times I apologize to you, it doesn't change the past. It doesn't change what I have just done. I can't wave a magic wand and correct all the mistakes I have made, gawd, I would be there all day if I could. Mistakes hurt, they cause a great deal of pain. That is why I did this, to stop myself making any more mistakes. Most of all though, it was to stop the pain. This has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make in my life. I know it was wrong, but I can't take the pain anymore. If I can't have the one person I truly love in this cruel world, then there is no point in me being here anymore. I had to stop the pain, I had to do this, I had to. I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but please don't mourn for me, I'm not worth the pity. This isn't as tragic as you will all think. It's simply about a young woman and the choices she made in life, that's all. It's as simple as that.

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'I'm sorry'

Two simple, easy words. Anyone can say it, anyone at all. "I'm sorry" See, it's that easy. He whispers those two words to me every single day. Most people don't mean what they say but I believe him, I believe he is sorry. Every day after his shift at work he visits me for about an hour or so. Sits by my bedside and speaks about his day at work, the strange patients he encountered, sport, weather, the news....... And then every day before he leaves he reaches over and kisses me gently on the lips, whispering he is sorry. I don't want him to feel guilty about my suicide attempt, it is not in the slightest way his fault. I made the decision to swallow that handful of pills, not him. Today though was different, he stayed longer than he usually did. He held my hand as he spoke about his day, he stroked my hair as he apologized for the upteenth time. But just as he left I heard him whisper the words I had always wished to hear. 'I love you Abby' All I wanted to do at that moment was open my eyes and tell him how I feel. I couldn't though, and I then remember why I couldn't. I had tried to kill myself because he didn't return my love, because the pain of his rejection became too much to bear with. So why has he changed his mind now, why does he suddenly love me? Has he always, or is just the guilt eating up inside of him? I don't want him to love me out of pity or guilt, I want him to love me for the person I am, Abby Lockhart. I thought killing myself would end all my problems, yet it just seems to have brought about a whole new flock.

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I suppose this proves how useless I really am, can't even kill myself right. I don't know how long it has been since my suicide attempt, approaching a week I think. All I know is that it's been too long, far too long. Lying here in the ICU gives a person way too much time to think. I've been going over and over my life again and again, trying to work out where I went wrong, how I ended up in this bed. I've been trying to think back to a time when I was happy in life, when I actually smiled and felt joy. The only time I could think of was any time I was around John. I heard the desperation in his voice as he worked feverishly to try and save my life when I was brought into the ER, I heard the fear in his voice when Kerry said I could die. Does that mean he loves me? In a way I'm glad I didn't die, I don't think I ever really wished to die. It scared me lying on that gurney in the ER whilst my colleagues tried to save me, it made me realize I did want to live. But where do I go from here? How exactly do I get my life back on track? It's too hard, I can't pick up the pieces of my shattered life. I know this is just another crossroad in my life but for the first time I don't know where to turn. I don't know how to live my life anymore, I feel suffocated, I want out again. I've came this far because I finally realized what I wanted, someone I couldn't have. What exactly am I supposed to do now?

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So here I am again, afraid and confused. I wish I had a big book that could tell me the answers to all my problems, I would be referring to that book everyday. I know I sound like some silly kid that hasn't got her own way in life but I really am desperate. I don't want to die, I just want to be happy, is that too much to ask? I know suicide was a mistake, I know it will have caused others pain but we learn from our mistakes. I've learned that no matter where I run I can't hide from the fact that I love him, you can't just switch off feelings deep inside your heart. The hardest thing for anyone is to live in this world, to have a purpose for living, a sense of belonging. I only wish I could work that out. But as my eyes flutter open slowly, all I can make out from my blurred vision is a tall, dark figure leaning over my bed..............

Author's Notes: A different kind of chapter I think, a lot of Abby's thoughts a she lies in the ICU. So who do you think is beside her? Feedback very welcome, tell me if you want another chapter or not folks!!!!!