The Choices We Make

Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, the feedback is most encouraging,

so a very big thank you!! So enjoy chapter 4!!



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My eyes blink rapidly as strong sunlight streaming in from the large window to my right pours in, hitting my motionless body. Wonderful, warm, bright sunshine, I'm being sarcastic incase you can't tell. Objects start to come into focus as the blurriness of my vision starts to fade and I begin to see much more clearer. That's when I see him. He simply stands there watching me, his tall, dark figure casting a shadow over my frail, thin body. He watches me before finally opening his mouth to speak.

"Hello Abby" the thick, Croatian accent can be heard loudly and clearly.

I continue to watch him as he takes a seat beside my bed. I close my eyes and wish that when I open them it's not Luka sitting beside me but John instead. Then when I open them again and still see Luka, I feel guilty and realize what a horrible person I am. But why is he here? He hasn't came to visit me before, most of my colleagues down in the ER have but not Luka, not until now. His small, dark eyes never leave me all the time he sits beside me. He holds my hand and takes my long, slender fingers in his, stroking them gently and lovingly, the way he used to when we were a couple. I watch him carefully for a couple more minutes before closing my eyes and drifting back off into a long, deep sleep. But as I drift off I hear him whisper the words I dreaded he would say.

"I still love you Abby"

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I walk briskly through the ER, noting the amount of people I can hear whispering behind my back. People don't seem to know how to approach my anymore. Whether to act normal as if nothing has happened or apologize for the fact that I tried to kill myself. I feel like telling them to mind their own business, in a less polite way of course. I don't need their pity, what actually makes them think I want it? I'm past the stage of caring what the doctors and nurses in this hospital think of me, I only cared about one man's feelings towards me, and he made it very clear how he felt. Running s hand through my tangled hair I remind myself I have an appointment at the hairdressers in about an hour's time. Anything to keep my mind occupied, anything to stop myself thinking about him.

"Abby" I recognize the voice. The Croatian accent simply gives it away.

"Hi Luka" I smile politely as I turn around to face him. He towers over my small figure as he adjusts the position of his stethoscope until it sits comfortably around his shoulders. Tiny strands of his dark hair fall onto his face, reminding me of just how attractive the male doctor was.

"You back at work already?" he asks, nervously twitching his fingers as he grips the chart in his hands tightly. He's obviously nervous around me now after my suicide attempt, just like nearly everyone in this hospital now.

"No" I shake my head and lick my lips. "Came in to talk to Weaver" I decide not to go into further details with him. "Start back next Tuesday"

"Good, good" he nods approvingly and flashes me a genuine smile. "It will be good to see you back"

I continue to smile politely as he talks, putting up a big act like I always did. Pretending everything was okay when it really wasn't, smiling nicely when I know I don't want to smile.......

"Well I better go, hairdressers appointment"

"Look Abby, I know..........." he begins to speak before I interrupt sharply.

"Luka you don't know. I don't want your sympathy or pity, and I definitely don't want to talk about it. I know I tried to kill myself, I know it was a stupid thing to do but please, lets just leave it at that, okay?"

"I know I don't have the slightest clue what you are feeling right now or why you did what you did, but I just want you to know I'll always be here for you" he speaks sincerely. "Even though we're not together anymore, I do still care about you. A lot. A lot more than you realize"

I nod at his kind words realizing exactly what he meant when he says he cared about me. He loved me and still does. But I knew I couldn't return that love, I probably never would. Once again I feel like such a horrible person.

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I wrap my arms around my body and step outside. The bitter wind hits my face as I bring my scarf closer to my neck. I glance up at the dark skies above me and notice the tiny snowflakes falling gracefully down to the ground. I love the snow, it's such a beautiful sight. I remember when I was a kid how much I used to love having snowball fights with my brother Eric. He would always win and my hair would end up soaking wet as a consequence of being hit so many times, but I didn't care. I didn't care because I enjoyed it. Whenever I wake up to a carpet of white outside, it always reminds me of the fun I had with Eric, one of the few good memories of my childhood, of my life.

"Pretty isn't it?" a voice from nowhere asks.

I turn around to see John sitting on an empty bench smoking. He smiles at me and motions for me to sit beside him.

"Cigarette?" he asks as he reaches inside his pocket for the packet and a lighter.

"Thanks, I need one" I grin and laugh, taking a cigarette from the packet he is holding out in his hand.

"Rough day?" he asks, placing the lighter back into the pocket of his clean, white lab coat.

"Yeh" I nod, realizing he has just asked me the most stupidest question ever. Rough day? Huh, more like a rough life.

"So........." he smiles nervously, not knowing what to say or do next. "How are you?"

"Oh everything is just great Carter, great" I reply sarcastically. "I tried to kill myself a couple of weeks ago but I'm just fine"

"Oh, sorry" he mumbles, looking sheepishly down to the snow covered grounds.

"No, I should be the one apologizing" I realize how cruel my last comment was. It wasn't John's fault, I shouldn't take my anger and frustration out on the people closest to me. Which was something I always seemed to do.

"Why Abby?" he suddenly asks me. "Why did you try and kill yourself?"

I sigh and scratch my head. What was I supposed to say? How was I supposed to answer a question like that? I tried to kill myself because I couldn't cope without one man's love, without your love John. Is that what you want to know, what you wish to hear?

"Abby?"

"It's complicated John, but I had my reasons. I don't really want to discuss the matter, okay?"

"No it's not okay" he raises his voice slightly whilst looking at me rather seriously. "You never want to discuss your problems, you try and run away from them hoping they will solve themselves in due time. You can't always hide Abby, I'm offering you my help"

"I just don't want to talk, it doesn't mean I'm running away or hiding from the fact I tried to kill myself" I feel myself growing agitated and frustrated.

"What's happened to you?" he asks softly, gently shaking his head as he speaks. "You used to be so full of life, so energetic, bright, enthusiastic. You've changed so much over the past couple of months or so. I don't seem to know you anymore"

"I haven't changed" I lie, knowing that deep inside I don't feel the same way I used to. It was true I had changed so much. I had become spiteful and twisted, a horrible shadow of my former self.

"What happened to us?" I dread his next question, knowing where this conversation would eventually lead to. "We used to be so close, now we never seem to talk anymore"

"I don't know John, you tell me"

"I'm sorry if I hurt you Abby" he throws the cigarette in his hand down to the ground and rests his elbows on his knees. "I didn't realize I hurt you so much"

I stare at him for a couple of seconds before jumping up quickly from the hard, cold bench. "You didn't hurt me" I reassure him with a wave of my hand and a light chuckle. "You might think I attempted suicide because you rejected me but I didn't. Like I said John it's complicated, very complicated"

"Abby......" he tries to interrupt me as I begin to walk away.

"Got to go, hairdressers appointment. Bye" With those last words I walk briskly away from the man who broke my heart, but I'm sure I heard him whisper the words he did by my bedside.

"I'm sorry"

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As I sit alone in the darkness of my sitting room I wonder how I'm supposed to pick up the pieces of my shattered life. Luka loves me, but I know no matter how hard I try I could never truly love him with all my heart and soul. Not like the way I could love John. I can't understand Carter at all. He rejected me that night in Doc Magoo's, but when I lay in hospital he whispered he loved me. Why? Why now does he decide to tell me this information. I'm confused, tired and scared. Scared of what the future might hold for me. My hands are shaking and my knees are trembling as I reach over the small coffee table for the small brown bag sitting in the middle. As I reach inside and produce a large bottle of vodka I think back to the snowball fights I used to have with Eric. Drink will numb the pain, drink might just help me.



Authors Notes: So what's going to happen now that Abby has turned back to drink? What about the Luka/ Abby/ Carter triangle? If you want another chapter please say, feedback of course is very welcome!!