The Choices We Make

Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed the last chapter, you're all so kind. So enjoy

chapter 5 folks!!



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I force my eyes open and stare blankly at the plain, white ceiling above me. I notice a black stain near the window, it's been there for almost a month now. I'm so lazy though I haven't done anything about it. That is my main problem, I am lazy. I'm not the sort of person who goes out into the world and makes things happen for myself, I sit and wait. Waiting gets you nowhere, once you've realized what you want you should go achieve that goal immediately. Don't do what I do, don't sit and wait. I realized for a long time I wanted John, but I didn't do anything. Then when I finally did speak up it was too late, far too late. I've never been impulsive, never made quick decisions on the spot. I suppose that's what put me off going back to medical school, a doctor has to make fast decisions there and then. I don't think I have what it takes to be a good doctor though. When I watch Luka or John in trauma, I realize I don't have their qualities. I swing my legs over the side of my bed as a strong wave of dizziness passes over me. My head feels as though it is about to explode, the vodka was a big mistake last night. A very big mistake. I rub the temple of my forehead irritably and collapse back onto the large, comfy bed. A hangover would make a wonderful impression on my first day back at work, I'm sure Weaver will be very impressed. All I want to do is get my life back on track, it's all I've ever wanted to do. That and to find some happiness. I hate loneliness, in fact I detest it. I'm determined to change, I have to become a better person. Maybe that way he'll take notice of me, maybe.......

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I yawn quietly and sit the chart on the desk in front of me. Rubbing my weary eyes, I collapse onto a nearby chair. It was sure going to be one long day.

"Hello stranger" a female voice echoes clearly behind me. "Haven't seen you in a while"

I turn around to come face to face with her. The woman who I couldn't help but dislike. Her, Susan Lewis. I don't hate Susan, hate is too strong a word. She hasn't actually done anything terribly wrong to me, in fact she has been quite pleasant and kind towards me. But she has him, and that is why I can't ever like her. John loves Susan instead of me. I know that it isn't her fault and it is a silly reason for holding a grudge against the woman but I can't help but wish she had never came back to County. Life could have been a lot different for me if she had decided not to return.

"Coffee?" she extends a mug of freshly made coffee to me. See what I mean, she's so kind towards me which makes me feel terrible for hating the woman. I loathe myself at times, I really do.

"Thanks" I smile and clutch the mug tightly between my hands, breathing in the wonderful aroma of freshly made coffee.

"Busy first day?" she inquires, signing off on a chart she is holding.

"Yeh, school bus crash a couple of hours ago" I reply, sipping the warm drink slowly.

"And how are you?"

I sigh at the question nearly every single person in the hospital has asked me over the course of the day. Why do people have to ask the stupidest bloody questions? Oh yes I'm fine, that's why I tried to kill myself nearly two months ago. I swear I'll strangle the next person who asks me that.........

"No disrespect to you Susan, but I'm tired of people asking me that same question over and over again. I don't mean to be rude but I don't want to talk about it, please understand that" What a bitch I am. Here I go again, snapping at the people who want to help me. But with Susan it's more than her asking a stupid question, I'm letting out all my frustration and annoyance at her for having the one man I love. The one man I truly love.

"Okay" she nods quietly. "I'm here though if you do ever wish to talk. I know we're not exactly the best of friends Abby but John speaks very highly of you. At some point I'd like to get to know you better"

"Sure, maybe some point in time" I force a smile as I watch her walk away towards one of the exam rooms. Maybe at some point, maybe..................

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I glance up as I hear the trauma doors push open, smiling to myself as I see that it is him entering the room.

"What's the bullet?" John asks me as he reaches inside the pocket of his lab coat for a pair of latex gloves.

"22 year old woman, suspected overdose" I explain quickly, noticing the change in his facial expression when I utter the word overdose. "BP 70/30, pulse 50"

He nods quietly and I watch him as he stares sadly down at the woman lying on the gurney before us. I can sense this brings back memories of him working to save me when I took that handful of pills. The whole case brings back painful memories for me too, I realize that that was me lying there a few months back. The tests Carter is calling out at this moment were the tests carried out on me, the drugs we are giving the woman were the drugs given to help me. It's all too familiar.

"Lets get a tox screen, Chem20 and pump her stomach, I'll intubate" John orders as I see the hurt and pain in his hazel eyes. I begin to realize how my decision to kill myself didn't just affect me, it hurt the people around me too. Especially John. As I hook the patient up to an IV of saline, I feel guilty for causing him so much pain, for hurting the one man I never wished to hurt. At that moment the consequences of my actions finally began to sink in.

"Another round of atropine and dopamine, 5mg of charcoal and 5cc's bolus every two minutes" he continues to take charge of the unpleasant situation. That's what I admire about John the most, his ability to stay calm in stressful situations. I couldn't do that, it's another one of the many reasons why I decided not to return to med-school.

"Lost the pulse!" Chuny screams at the top of her voice as the monitors around us start bleeping wildly.

"Start chest compressions" John replies before looking straight at me. "Abby pass me the paddles"

I look straight back at him before returning my attention back to the patient. As I stare down at this young woman, I can only see myself lying on the gurney. I realize what was going through the woman's mind before she took the overdose, I can remember the pain clearly. I didn't really want to die that night, but what does this patient want? Would she wish us to help her or does she really want to die? Perhaps she wants an escape from the pain and misery of her life, perhaps she wants to escape this cruel world. If we manage to re-start her heart, are we simply causing her more pain? What if death is the only way to end her misery? I raise my head slowly to meet John's anxious stare as I try to think what to do for the best.

"Abby the paddles!" he shouts at me as I nod and pass him the desired equipment. I sigh deeply as a steady rhythm of bleeps can be heard on the monitor. I know that this is just the beginning of a very long journey for the young patient. A very long journey indeed.

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My eyes flutter open as I feel a sharp pain in my neck. Slightly disorientated I slowly realize I have been sleeping on the couch of the hospital lounge. Rubbing my neck I sat upright and leaned my head against a large yet uncomfortable pillow. That's when I realized he was watching me.

"Hello sleeping beauty" his thick Croatian accent breaks the silence in the room.

"Luka" I manage to say through a wave of shock and surprise. "How long have I been asleep for?"

"Well I came in about fifteen minutes ago" he answers my question with a pleasant smile. "You look so peaceful when you are sleeping" he chuckles lightly.

"You were watching me?" I feel a mixture of anger and relief. Angry that someone has seen me in such a vulnerable state, yet relieved he was there watching over me, protecting me.

"I used to do when we were together" he continues to speak. "There was many a night when I couldn't sleep, so I used to watch you instead. You look so beautiful in your deep slumber, so innocent and sweet"

I smile at his last comment, it had been a long time since anyone had called me beautiful. The only times I could escape from the problems and fears that plagued my life were when I was fast asleep. I always dream I am in a far away land, where I am happy and content. Then when I wake up I realize it's just a dream, and once again I feel depressed and unhappy. If only my dreams could come true.

"I wish you would talk to me Abby" he looks at me with a touch of sadness in his dark eyes. "I wish you would tell me what's on your mind, I'm really worried about you"

"There's no need to worry" I reply with a reassuring wave of my hand. "I'll be fine, you have to believe me when I say that"

"I meant what I said before"

"What?" I ask, fully knowing what Luka is talking about.

"That I care about you" he answers, reaching over and taking hold of my hand. "I want to look after you Abby, it hurts me to see you in this state"

"I'm not in a state Luka" I reply sharply, pulling my hand away from his tight grip. "I appreciate your concern but I don't need looking after, I'm an adult, not a child"

"I never said you were a child. I just want to see you happy again, I want to make you smile and laugh like you used to. Remember the day at the ice- rink?"

I run a hand through my tangled hair and laugh as I clearly remember the day I took Luka ice-skating. He had never been before, and as a result, he fell about a thousand and one times. By the end of the day I had lost count of how many times he did fall.

"That was a good day" I smile, reflecting on the happy memory. "I certainly enjoyed myself watching you fall"

"We were good together, weren't we?" he asks as suddenly the room is filled with an awkward silence. I bite my upper lip and pause for a minute to think about how I should answer this question.

'We were good together, weren't we?'

'We were good together, weren't we?'

I suppose we were, but.........

"Abby" the door flies open and Haleh walks in. "Your mother is here"

Oh great............

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Author's Notes: So why is Maggie back? Will Abby reconcile with Luka? How will Carter react? tell me if you want another chapter, and as ever, feedback is most welcome!!