The Choices We Make

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, glad you have enjoyed the story so far. So enjoy

chapter 7, the final part to this fic!!

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I'm sorry.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to turn out. It wasn't mean to be like this at all. I didn't mean to hurt you, you have been through enough heartache. I wish I could change things, make these feelings for John go away but I can't. I've tried, believe me I have tried. But you can't just suddenly stop loving someone, not when you have been in love with that person for as long as you can remember. Not when that person holds your heart in the palm of their hands. I could never have loved you the way you wanted me to love you. Not in the way your wife loved you. John listens to me, understands me in a way you can never. I share a bond with him that I can't ever imagine sharing with any other man. Perhaps it's because we're both addicts, shared unsettled upbringings. So as I lie here in my bedroom, I want to apologize to you. I'm sorry Luka, sorry I can't stop loving John. I can't stop and I don't wish to. That is the choice I have made.

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I throw my stethoscope into my locker and shut the door as quietly as possible. It had been another terrible day, another tiring shift. I had been puked on twice, shouted at by a grumpy old man, lost six kids in a school bus crash that had been brought in, and had tried unsuccessfully to avoid Luka. Right now I was looking forward to a long soak in my bath and a tub of chocolate chip ice-cream. And perhaps a small glass of wine to help me sleep...... One glass couldn't hurt me right? Just one little glass of my favorite white wine?

"Thought I would find you in here" I hear a thick accent say as the door shuts and loud footsteps enter the room.

"Well it is the end of my shift" I reply, throwing my handbag onto a nearby chair as I wrap my thick jacket around my shoulders.

"You've been avoiding my all day Abby"

"Don't be silly Luka" I laugh nervously, trying to pretend as best as possible that I hadn't. "I've been busy today"

"No, you were like this when we split up" he shakes his head, knowing full well that I'm lying to him.

"That was because I broke your fish tank" I manage to smile a little, remembering the trouble John and I had trying to break into the apartment to replace it. Those were the good days, how I wished I could turn back the hands of time and return to those days.

"I'm not angry at you Abby" he speaks sincerely as he takes a seat on the sofa. "I could never stay angry at you"

"I'm sorry if I hurt you Luka" I reply, feeling terrible for the fact I broke such a kind man's heart. Even after all the grief and pain I caused him, he still couldn't bring himself to hate me. It makes me hate myself even more. "You're such a wonderful man, you deserve someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. I never set out to hurt you though, please believe that"

"You don't have to apologize for anything" he chuckles slightly, never taking his eyes off the floor below us. "I can't make you love me, I see that now. And I see that I would never be able to make you happy, at least not in the way he can"

"Who?" I ask, watching him adjust the position of his stethoscope.

"John"

"It doesn't matter anymore" I shake my head and sigh loudly. "John doesn't want me, it's too late now"

"It's never too late Abby" he finally looks at me in the eye. "The truth is right in front you, yet you don't seem to realize it's there. Find him, tell him how you feel, live your life with the person you want to be with. Be happy in life"

I stand up and walk slowly out of the room. I had to give it one last try, I owed it to Luka, and most of all I owed it to myself. With every step I took through the ER, I heard his words echo through my mind. It's never too late.

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The automatic door opened as I walked towards them. Sprinting down the steps I stopped as I reached the bottom one, stopped as I caught sight of them. Them, John and Susan. I watched them embrace each other, and at that moment I realized the truth, the truth that was right in front of me. They were happy together, it would be cruel of me to ruin that happiness. Be happy in life. John was happy with Susan. I love him, I want him to be happy, if that happiness lies with Dr Lewis I can't possibly spoil it for him, not if I love him. My heart sinks as I continue to watch them hold one another. I had missed my chance to live my life with the man I wanted to be with, it was too late. It's never too late. Oh but it is, it's far too late.

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I pushed the plate of chocolate cake far away from me, why I ordered it I don't have a clue. My mind feels numb with exhaustion, exhaustion, confusion and heartache. Silly of me to think that a slice of chocolate cake could help ease the pain, only a bottle of vodka can do that. And that is me talking from experience. I glance up as I hear the creaking sound of the restaurant's door open, but I glance away again when I realize 'he' has entered. I look out the window, pretending I can see something more interesting out there than the tiny raindrops trickling down the glass, praying he hasn't seen me yet.

"Abby" John calls out my name loudly. Damn, I've been spotted. I'll talk for a couple of minutes, excuse myself by pretending to have a migraine. I know it's rude but I can't face him, not yet anyway.

"You going to eat that?" he asks, motioning to the piece of cake I pushed to the opposite end of the table.

"Be my guest" I smile as he sits down and seizes the cake.

"Thanks, I'm absolutely starving" I manage to make out his words as he noisily eats the snack.

"Were you never taught table manners as a child?" I laugh heartily, referring to the fact he was eating with his mouth open.

"Oh, sorry mom" he jokes, wiping away the small amount of chocolate crumbs around his chin. I laugh merrily, remembering why I fell in love with him in the first place. His charm, his charisma, his warm personality.........he was wonderful. Truly wonderful.

"I need to tell you something Abby" he sounds rather serious as he pushes away the plate.

"Oh.........." I reply nervously. I fall silent for a brief minute as he carefully studies me from his position directly opposite me. "Okay then"

"I broke up with Susan just there" He broke up with Susan? Why? How? Why is he telling me this? Question upon question races through my mind as he continues to study me, waiting for my reply, waiting to hear what I have to say.

"Oh" was all I could manage to say. It would probably have been better to have just kept my mouth shut instead of my pathetic response. Why don't I think before I speak?

"Is that all you can say?" he sounds surprised.

"What do you want me to say John, I don't know why you are telling me all this"

"That's just what I was about to come to........" Was he saying what I think he was saying?

"I never really loved Susan" he begins, my hands trembling with every word he speaks. "I do love her, but it's the sort of love you would have for a brother or sister" Just like the love I hold for Luka. "I thought I could make myself fall in love with her, but I've now realized I can't."

"Why not?" I croak, taking a sip of coffee to wet my dry throat.

"Because I'm in love with you"

I gasp at his words, raising my hand to my mouth in shock. I couldn't believe what he had just said to me, did he really love me? I blink rapidly to make sure I wasn't dreaming, to make sure I was awake and this moment was for real.

"Abby, are you okay?" he asks, taking my hand and squeezing it tightly.

"I'm...I'm fine" I smile happily as his words finally begin to sink in.

"I've always loved you Abby, I couldn't imagine never loving you. When you broke up with Luka, I didn't think you really wanted to be with me, I was merely a substitute for him. That's why I said no, because I didn't want to feel the pain of never being truly loved by you. I didn't want to date you only to realize it wasn't me you wanted but him"

"I've always wanted you John" I reply, squeezing back the tears for the twentieth time that day. "The love you hold for Susan is like the love I hold for Luka. It's always been you I've wanted, nobody else"

"So why didn't you tell me this by the river, on the day I confessed my feelings?" he asks rather angrily.

"I didn't want to hurt Luka" I answer his question honestly. And that was the truth, Luka had been so kind towards me that I couldn't face breaking his heart. "He's been through so much what with losing his wife and children that I didn't want to be the one who caused him anymore pain" I look up at John for a moment, noticing the small tears that are sliding down his cheeks. He look so vulnerable, like a young child. "So where do we go from here?" I ask, breaking the awkward silence. He wipes away the tears with his free hand and cups my cheek tenderly.

"I'll tell you where we go" he laughs, reaching over and kissing me lightly on the lips. And for the first time in a long time, my world suddenly stopped spinning............

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Author's Notes: Well that was the last chapter in 'The Choices We Make' An interesting point is that this fic was actually only meant to be the one chapter. Originally I planned to write one long chapter and leave it where Abby reaches for the pills. I thought it would be a bit cruel to the readers to just leave it there, so I added another chapter, then another, then another, and it grew to a seven chapter fic!! But I hope you're all enjoyed reading this, feedback is very welcome, and tell me if you want a sequel or not, or if you have any other ideas for a storyline you wish to see tackled. Until next time, see ya!!