TITLE:
Still Living (Part 1 of `Here With Me`)
AUTHOR: Ceri
EMAIL: ceriellis@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/JC
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: If there were, I forget which ones. Oh, and in my world, Rena never
existed. Cruel, but necessary.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just ask
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, just merely the twisted Carby angst
that is a product of my depraved mind.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the sequel to `In Spite Of Me`; it’s probably going to
be written half Abby’s POV, and half Carter’s. Just to be confusing. And thanks
for all the wonderful reviews, everyone!
SUMMARY: Abby considers a change of scenery.
1 Still Living
Tiny droplets of rain spattered the window, breaking the humidity. The air that
once was thick and stiflingly hot was now cool. A relieving breeze drifted
through the gap under the door, and calm was around her once more.
Pen in hand, she stared down at the paper in front of her. Jumbled words,
letters stared back at her, not making any sense to her tired and overworked
mind. The ink seemed to smudge as her vision blurred slightly, then came in to a
sharp focus.
Northwestern. Mercy. Anywhere. She didn’t even need to stay in Chicago. She
could go to Minnesota, and be near her mom; or to Florida, and be near her
brother. But there was something in Chicago that made her want to stay....as
much as it hurt, and as little sense it made to her...she just couldn’t leave.
The past six months had progressed from living-hell status, to achingly-
painful, to depressingly-quiet. Now, it was just...blank. There was nothing
there anymore, nothing between them – not even anger, not even hatred.
Of course, he hadn’t been around for the whole time. A month after she had
walked out of his apartment, practically to the day, he had gone to Atlanta. To
rehab again. From what she could get from the nurses and doctors, he hadn’t
relapsed, but had been so close that he needed to go back, if only to remind
himself why he wasn’t supposed to relapse in the first place.
Naturally, she had felt guilty. So guilty, in fact, that she almost relapsed
herself. But she didn’t. She drove away any emotions or feelings that lingered
by working, and sleeping, and working some more. And when Carter had returned
from Atlanta two months later, she was cold, she was calm, she was collected.
He didn’t need to know the feelings pulsing through her veins every time he
walked by.
And so, time went by. They hardly ever uttered a word to each other unless they
absolutely had to. Abby avoided him as much as possible for one main reason –
his eyes. The hurt, the pain, the love he displayed for her and her alone in
those eyes was enough to crack even the steeliest of resolves. And she couldn’t
crack. Not now, not ever.
The loss of their child had certainly taken its toll on Abby. For weeks after,
she had been in a constant state of denial, depression only hitting in when she
was alone. The pain of knowing what she could have had with Carter was worse
than anything she had gone through before, and it only gave her more reasons to
avoid him. Everything just fell apart from there.
Strangely enough, in the time that her relationship with Carter had
deteriorated, her friendships with Luka and Jing Mei had rebuilt themselves,
become stronger and more reliable. She could call Jing Mei in the middle of the
night and tell her she was lonely and missed Carter. She could show up on Luka’s
doorstep and spend an hour or two talking about everything and nothing, just to
distract herself. Both friends seemed to have moved on from their spurned-lover
status – Jing Mei managing to move on with one very sexy doctor from a private
practice – and were happy to lend support, or a listening ear, or a shoulder to
cry on.
She tried not to think about the fact that whilst she had two such friends,
Carter had none.
Jing Mei had explained to Abby that it was just too awkward with Carter now...he
wasn’t the same person, didn’t have the same vivacity about him that he once
did. He was an empty shell, she had said, and it might be impossible to draw him
out again.
And from there, she had thought about moving. Even just changing jobs...get
herself out of his way, let him move on. They were always looking for nurses in
Chicago...it couldn’t be that hard to get a new job. And as for friends...well,
she’d still see people from County. Just not the ones who didn’t want to see
her.
“Abby!” a voice interrupted her thoughts loudly, and she looked up in to the
eyes of her friend. “I was looking for you – when are you off?”
Abby cast one look at the application form in front of her – that surely had
precedence over whatever it was that Jing Mei was planning – and then back up at
the other woman. “Now, actually. I’m just finishing off a few things...”
Jing Mei sighed, sitting down next to Abby and peering at the forms. “You’re not
really going to go through with this, are you?”
“I can’t not go through with it. I just...I need to give him some space...give
myself some space...”
“That’s a poor excuse,” Jing Mei stated calmly. “You know as well as I do that
John would hate it if you left.”
“I don’t think he would,” Abby remarked sadly, eyes flickering down to the
papers. His face, his sad, empty, soulless eyes kept appearing in her mind, and
it was becoming harder and harder to be rid of the image. “Really, it’s for the
best. A new job, a new beginning – “
They were interrupted by the swishing sound of the door opening, and they both
looked up. In true farcical style, there stood Carter, staring down at them in a
mixture of horror and disbelief. There was a pause, tensions building once more
as they all stared at each other in the silence, until finally he moved towards
the coffee pot, his back turned to the women.
Abby swallowed uncomfortably, glancing over at Jing Mei before looking up at
Carter. She could see the muscles in his back tense up, and when he turned
around again, his eyes looked tired...his whole face dragged down by fatigue.
“You’re looking for a new job?” he asked, trying to be casual but failing
miserably. Abby nodded slowly, unable to tear her eyes away from him. “Oh. Well,
good luck.”
Abby opened her mouth to reply but he was already heading for the door. Just as
she was considering what he meant by this – good luck?! – he spoke again as he
opened the door.
“We’ll miss you.”
*****
A couple of hours later, and Abby was confused. Just how she had ended up
outside Carter’s apartment was beyond her – amazingly, she had driven there on
auto-pilot, only really noticing where she had ended up when she looked up and
saw the familiar number on the familiar door in that familiar hallway.
She had stood outside his door enough in her lifetime. Most notably was when
they had broken up. That day was as clear in her mind as ever; it still stung
like it had been six minutes ago, not six months. He had said he loved her. And
she…she had walked out. To that day, she couldn’t remember why she had done it.
At the time, it had seemed like the right thing to do. And even as she closed
the door, and stood staring at it for about half an hour afterwards, listening
to Carter slam doors and stomp around inside the apartment, she couldn’t
convince herself to walk away. But then, she couldn’t convince herself to go
back inside either.
So she had walked away.
She had felt the same way as he did, of course. She loved him so much…she never
knew she had the capacity to love someone like she loved John. Every day she
loved him more, because he was part of her, and if she didn’t love him, then she
didn’t love herself. It was love without condition, love that could never end.
Which was why it had to end. Feelings that intense, emotions that strong could
only do harm. And she couldn’t face things getting any harder than they already
had done.
The door in front of her suddenly flew open, and Abby shrieked, “Sweet *Jesus*!”
Carter practically jumped out of his skin, clutching the door handle as if to
steady himself. “Fuck, Abby, you scared the life out of me.”
She looked down sheepishly, then back in to his eyes. “I was about to knock,”
she lied in her defense. “You beat me to it.”
He frowned slightly, and exhaled. “Well…did you want anything?”
Right. She hadn’t just come over to stand outside his door and reminisce. There
had to be a reason, somewhere in her twisted little mind…somewhere….God. She was
looking more and more like some kind of stalker-psycho ex-girlfriend from hell
with every passing second.
“Yeah. I just wanted to say….” She trailed off, desperately searching for
something that made her seem like less of a freak. “…that I’m not going to move
away. Or change jobs.”
She watched for his reaction, but he gave nothing away. He merely nodded,
looking slightly confused, then ran his hand through his recently cut hair. The
fact that she had noticed it worried Abby immensely – could she *be* more
obsessed? - but she pushed it aside.
“Right. Well, thanks for letting me know.” There was a pause, and he finally
relented – though she wasn’t sure if he was relenting to himself or to her. “Do
you want to come in? I’m making coffee.”
This simple offer made her heart skip a beat, and she offered him a tentative
smile. “Sure. Thanks.”
He stepped back so she could enter, and her eyes widened when she did. The place
was, to put it mildly, a mess. He had obviously attempted to move things around,
make a change – but hadn’t got very far. Piles of videos rested against the far
wall next to the newly-positioned TV, including her battered copy of Dirty
Dancing. Used cups and plates littered the coffee table that was normally so
pristine. Spattered across one white wall was what could only be identified as a
large coffee stain. She didn’t want to think about how it got there.
“It’s looking…good. Did you decorate?”
Carter shot her a look that had always used to annoy her. He could always tell
what she was thinking, he could always read in to what she said…it used to get
on her nerves. Now…well, it was almost endearing.
“You mean with coffee beans?” he asked, a faint smile on his face as he gestured
to the unsightly stain. “It’s modern art, I think you’ll find.”
She smirked. “Right. Maybe next time you should think about anger management
classes instead of modern art classes.”
Something told her she had crossed a very fine line. He turned to the kitchen,
pulling two cups from a disorganized cupboard, and dumped a spoonful of ground
coffee in to each one. Abby sighed. “You know…I should probably go…I’m on in
seven hours, and I need some sleep.”
He looked over at her, meeting her eyes. “If you’re sure…”
“Yeah. Thanks anyway.”
She started towards the door, Carter close behind her, an over-whelming sense of
déjà vu hitting her. She paused at the door, turning to face him.
“I couldn’t move away from Chicago, you know. Too much of me would still be
here.”
They stared at each other, the air thick with tensions, past and present, until
he finally broke the gaze, offering her a small, weak smile. Suddenly, Abby
didn’t want to go. All the motives that she had searched for earlier as to why
she had even showed up at Carter’s apartment came flooding to the surface, and
she realized how much they needed to talk.
“Actually…sleep isn’t all that important, right?”
Carter’s smile broadened. “Nah. Sleep’s for wusses.”
“I figured as much. Is the coffee still on offer?”
“Of course.” He moved aside so she could enter again. “See if you can clear
yourself a space on the couch and I’ll go make the coffee.”
And so the afternoon progressed. They drank in contemplative silence, and then
it was as if a door was opened, and they could talk freely, uninhibited. They
talked about Carter’s trip to rehab, about Abby going the meetings, about Jing
Mei’s new conquest. They didn’t broach the subject of their relationship, or the
baby that they had lost – it was still too raw, too painful – but they wasted
quite a few hours on other things. She had missed this. Having it all – or most
of it – out in the open was a blessed relief, like a weight off her shoulders.
She felt like she was alive again.
*****