TITLE: One Of Life's Little Ironies (Part 8 of `Here With Me`)
AUTHOR: Ceri
EMAIL: ceriellis@yahoo.com
CATEGORY: AL/JC
RATING: PG
SPOILERS: If there were, I forget which ones. Oh, and in my world, Rena never existed. Cruel, but necessary.
ARCHIVE: Sure, just ask
DISCLAIMER: I do not own the original ER characters, just the ones I make up, and, naturally, the twisted little plots that are products of my addled mind.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the sequel to `In Spite Of Me`. Big thank you's for all the feedback!
SUMMARY: Carter and Ellen don't make it as far as dinner.

ONE OF LIFE'S LITTLE IRONIES

How could one name cause so much anger?

It wasn't as if he even knew the guy. He didn't need to. `Michael`...he was probably a charity worker or something, a kind, loving guy who was totally in love with Abby Lockhart, happy to spend the rest of his life with her.

It was that part that Carter couldn't take.

Okay, so he hadn't expected her to sit back and watch as he started dating again. But that wasn't the point. Ellen was supposed to just be a bridging relationship, making him realize that in actual fact, Abby was the one he was meant to be with. Well, he had realized that...but too late, apparently. She had moved onwards and upwards with philanthropist Michael...Michael whom she met at the video store...probably selling his videos and preparing to donate the money to a children's charity...

Bastard.

Well...looking at it optimistically (all that therapy bullshit had to be applied somewhere, right?), at least he hadn't completely embarrassed himself by declaring his undying love. And what he had about to say, followed by her little piece of news, would have been humiliating, and devastating, and would completely succeed in pushing him in to the seventh circle of hell.

He really didn't need to go back there again.

He fished the box out of his pocket, placing it on the table and looking down at it. It looked so innocent, so small - this wasn't something that could change two people's lives forever, was it? He reached forward, gently opening it - then snapping it shut. God. He was so stupid. Of all the things he could have done...

He had been about to propose to Abby, without even breaking up with Ellen.

Oh well. If he had needed an excuse - lucky he didn't, really - he could've claimed he had been blinded by love, by passion. Ellen hadn't even crossed his mind as he had pulled the diamond ring from the safe in his apartment. It had been sat there for about nine months now. His plan had been, all things going well, to ask Abby to be his wife when she hit the second trimester of her pregnancy.

Of course, she had never reached that point. And so, the ring remained in the safe, locked away and gathering dust. Carter had chosen to forget about it - or, at least, push it to the back of his mind. And now, when he finally got up the courage to get it out again, and was all ready to give it to Abby, the woman of his dreams, everything went wrong again. Naturally, it was his fault both times. It was just one of life's little ironies.

Maybe this was a hint from the guy upstairs. Maybe someone, way up high, was trying to tell him that he was destined to be alone, to move from relationship to relationship, never finding happiness - or, when he did, destined to ruin it forever.

Okay, so there was the pessimism again. But he was entitled to it. He was in a relationship with a perfectly nice woman, whilst the woman he really loved was off dating some charity case called Michael.

This would have been the point that a long sting of swear words would erupt from his mouth, but he had no energy for cursing. Rubbing his eyes tiredly, he paused in his path to the bathroom - where he could no doubt drown his sorrows in a scorching hot shower - and picked up the phone. The numbers blurred slightly, slowly coming in to focus as he dialed.

"Hello?"

Carter exhaled deeply, managing to find his way to the couch and sitting, exhausted, in amongst the cushions. "Hey, Deb. It's me."

"John!" she exclaimed eagerly. "Did you go see Abby?"

"Yeah," he responded dully. "And thanks for letting me know she's seeing someone else."

There was a stunned silence, and Carter stared up at the ceiling with disinterest. He felt strangely disconnected from the world, from the conversation...like it was all in a dream or something. Or rather, a nightmare.

Finally, Deb spoke again. "I didn't know....that it was that serious. I'm sorry."

Carter sighed deeply. "It's not your fault. I just...I feel so stupid."

"Did you actually tell her how you feel?"

"No," he said quietly. What was the point in re-hashing it all? Was he *trying* to cause himself the maximum amount of pain? "I was about to tell her and then she started on about how it was great we were both moving on and how I was with Ellen and she was with Michael."

"Michael," Deb murmured, and for a moment Carter thought he heard uncertainty in her voice. "Well, I guess her and...*Michael*...are a lot more serious than I realized. I thought..." There was a pause. "I thought she was single."

"Well...she isn't..." Carter replied. "She's happy with her new man...but it's okay."

"It is?"

"Yeah. I mean, Ellen is a great person...she's funny and smart and beautiful...and I'm lucky to be with her."

There was another pause. "Right. Good," Deb said softly, and Carter could almost picture her sad face. But he didn't need her sympathy. Everything was fine...everything would be fine. "As long as you're both happy."

"We are," Carter confirmed, his voice ringing with false cheer. "Really...what's love, anyway? ...just a second hand emotion."

"Right you are, Tina," Deb retorted, a hint of a teasing tone in her voice. "So jaded at such a young age...it saddens me."

"There's always time for a turn around," he reminded her, a smile playing on his lips in spite of his miserable mood. "You'll be dancing at my wedding yet, Deb Chen."

"It's *Jing* *Mei*," she chuckled. "And I have no doubt I will be dancing...whether it's Ellen, or whoever next you have in line."

Carter stared down at the floor, blinking hard - not because he was crying....hell no...he was just blinking. "I better be going, Deb," he spoke up. "I have to get some sleep before Weaver makes me pull another double shift."

"Sweet dreams," she replied. "See you soon."

"'Bye," he murmured, clicking the phone off and placing it on the coffee table. He brushed away some lint - not a tear, he wasn't crying - and gradually got to his feet. What he needed now was a long, hot shower, and a good night's sleep. Maybe he could forget about everything that had happened in the past few years...

Was it too much to ask?

*****

His shift had been, predictably, a living hell. He had endured 16 hours of vomiting and bleeding and coughing and sneezing...and barely one single trauma came in. The only thing he had to be grateful for was the notable absence of Abby - probably off with her new man. But he wasn't thinking about that anymore. He was only going to look to the future - a future with Ellen.

Yes. He had a good feeling about her. Whilst she had the obvious drawback of not being a particular nurse, she was still the woman of his dreams - well, the woman of most men's dreams. And he could settle for that.

Deb had started her shift towards the end of his, and they had shared some coffees and avoided any painful subjects. Managing to include art, TV movies, the price of cabs and the current Days Of Our Lives main plotline in to their conversation - among other things - they had successfully skirted the issues of Abby, or `Michael`, or anything remotely connected to them. Carter was grateful. After the debacle yesterday, he was still feeling the sting of the raw emotional wounds that had been torn in to him. Talking about it all, even briefly, only managed to rub salt in to the wounds. As a doctor,
he knew that that wasn't a good thing.

Luckily for him, he had things to look ahead to. A dinner date with Ellen. And nice long shifts to distract him completely. Whilst working that much completely sucked, it was better than sitting around at home and...*thinking*. Thinking was a very dangerous thing, and something he now tried to avoid at all costs.

As he made his way up the stairs to his apartment, each foot feeling like they had a heavy weight in them, dragging him down, his only thought was on a shower. Wash the essence of illness off of his body. Try and relax. It was the best thing to do.

He was only mildly startled to see Ellen waiting outside his apartment, arms crossed firmly across her chest, tapping her heeled foot against the floor impatiently. She looked up at the sound of his footsteps, meeting his eye, and something told him that they wouldn't make dinner.

"Ellen...everything okay? I thought we were meeting at seven," he asked curiously, unlocking his front door and letting it swing open in to the darkness of his apartment. With a flick of a switch, the place was flooded with artificial light, and Carter guided Ellen inside, shutting the door behind him. She turned to look at him, her expression empty.

"I don't think I can do this," Ellen stated softly.

Carter frowned, scratching the back of his neck in confusion. "Get Chinese? Well, that's fine, we can go someplace else if you want - "

"No," she interrupted. "I can't be with you. Not like this."

He felt like his breathing had been cut off - he really hadn't seen that one coming. Her piercing blue eyes bore in to his, hands rammed awkwardly in to her pockets, standing a few feet away from him as if he had an infectious disease.

"What? Why not?"

Ellen broke the gaze, looking down at her shoes. "Call it a pet peeve, but I prefer men who aren't in love with someone else."

Carter didn't know what to say. He couldn't lie - she obviously saw through them, or they wouldn't be in this position now - but he felt like he couldn't tell the truth. That would send his whole pact about not thinking about Abby to hell...and he couldn't do that.

"It's okay," she spoke up, interrupting his thoughts. "I understand. I really enjoyed being with you - you're a special, wonderful man....and I can only wish that someday, someone will feel for me what you feel for Abby."

Carter swallowed hard and looked up at her. "I'm sorry," was all he could muster. She smiled weakly, and stepped towards him, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. Her perfume lingered in the air for a few moments, and he inhaled deeply, relishing it while it was still there - a symbol of human closeness, the only human closeness he was likely to feel for a very long time.

"Don't be," she told him, putting her hand briefly to his cheek and then dropping it to her side. She started for the door. "Keep in touch, John. We...we can be friends...right?"

"Right," Carter confirmed, watching blankly as she walked out of his life. His words were lost in her wake; she had clearly been in too much of a hurry to escape to wait for an answer.

So much for moving on.

*****