TITLE: Me And My Shadow (Part 11 of `In Spite Of Me`)

AUTHOR: Ceri

EMAIL: ceriellis@yahoo.com

CATEGORY: JC

RATING: Universal

SPOILERS: Probably...

ARCHIVE: Sure, just ask

DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me. Just the ideas, twisted angst, and all the trappings of this particular Carby love-in - they're all mine, mua ha ha.

SUMMARY: Carter wishes he had locked his front door...

Me And My Shadow

There wasn't any mistaking that feeling - like you were going to vomit, like your insides could well just explode at any minute. It was never a nice feeling to get - for obvious reasons - but lately, Carter had been experiencing it a lot.

It was dark already, clouds covering the moon, threatening to break and crash down torrents of rain on the city. A harsh wind was blowing, and the air had an extra bite to it, chilling him to the bone.

But he was inside. He was fine. The rain couldn't reach him, the pain couldn't reach him. He was numb.

Really, he didn't know why he bothered. It had been...what, two years? Two years since he had gone to Atlanta, and he hadn't managed to stay clean for very long. Maybe this was a pattern - he was clean for a bit, then not, then clean, then not. A never ending cycle of happiness then pain, sunshine then rain...

Carter rolled his eyes. It sounded like something out of a bad pop song.

So, essentially, what was stopping him from just taking the next step in the cycle? It wasn't as if he didn't have some Vicodin, hidden under his socks, just in case. How easy would it be to just stroll over there, empty a few in to his sweaty palm, and knock them back? Almost too easy. It irritated him that it was so hard to get on the straight and narrow, but so damned easy to fall back on yourself. He was quite the expert on relapsing by now...once more wouldn't hurt.

But something had happened since his last episode. He had changed - drugs were no longer his support system. He used to lean on them, use them as a crutch, and when he was clean he had craved for a high almost every second of the day. But now...now he viewed them as the tiny embodiment of all things that could possibly ruin his life. Why let them win?

There was something strange about calling drugs `them`, like they were people. He used to think maybe there was something in that...with the control they had over him...with the control they *used* to have over him. How he loved the past tense.

Because now, no matter how much his life sucked, no matter how much he wished that he could change everything - he didn't need to do it. It was as if drugs had suddenly lost their appeal, becoming just another thing in the past. He knew that he would always have the addiction hanging over his head, but at least now, he could take the load off, make it easier to carry on in life. It had been tough, but he was over the hill, and free to enjoy the view.

Plus he was free to make up more analogies.

There was only one thing that was stopping him from moving onwards and upwards towards the fulfilled and happy life that he was promised. Love. He had never quite understood the term, or in fact the emotion involved with it...he'd had a fair few run-ins with it, but never before had he actually experienced it.

That was, until now.

He had been amazed at his capacity to love someone so much. He had been amazed at how he was so different, so complete, when he was with her. Really, he was amazed that after everything that had happened, anyone could love him at all. That empty shell of a man, the failure to his family and friends, the addict with enough baggage to go round the entire city. How anyone could have loved him then was a mystery...as for now...well, that still remained a mystery.

Of course, that was assuming that Abby still loved him. And what a big assumption to make, what with her being shacked up Kovac. That news alone should have been enough to push him over the edge, to run screaming in to the hills and give in to a life of chemical highs and depressing lows. But something was missing. Maybe he was trying so hard not to care that suddenly, he just...didn't. It was too much energy, too much effort to care, too much effort to care about whether she loved Luka, about whether they were happy, about whether Carter would ever be anything more than a friend to her again.

As depressing as that was, it was the truth.

**********

Drip after tiny drip leaked from the faucet as Carter stared at it angrily, daring it to carry on dripping. He stood, dressed in an old tee shirt and his boxer shorts, brandishing a wrench.

He knew how dumb he must've looked. But damnit, he would never get any sleep if the tap didn't stop dripping.

Granted, he had been laying in bed, wide awake, for a good few hours before the tap had decided to irritate him further. And he was no plumber. All he had was the tried and tested method that his father, and grandfather before him, had used when faced with such an emergency and no hired help around to solve it.

Slowly, he lifted his arm up, then paused.

With a loud clang he brought the wrench down on top of the tap, hitting the metal repeatedly until he was devoid of energy. Satisfied, he stepped back, and waited.

*Drip*

"Sonofa - "

A soft knocking interrupted his cursing, and he looked around quickly. The door. There was someone at the door. In the middle of the night. Someone at the door. His door. Was it?...

"Deb?" he questioned softly as he pulled open his door, still clutching the wrench tightly in his hand. "Are you okay?"

Her face was pale; her eyes filled with unshed tears, as she stepped in to his apartment. There was a noticeable difference to her posture - her shoulders were slumped, her hair shoved back in to a messy bun...it worried him.

"I need to talk to you," she insisted, turning to face him, then stopping. "Have you been plumbing?"

He grinned, dumping the wrench on the coffee table and settling down on to the couch. "Not so much plumbing as attacking the sink...so what's up?"

She paused, looking at him awkwardly, then her eyes drifted downwards to study the magazines on the table in front of her. "I've been thinking...about...what happened..."

"With us?" Carter interrupted curiously.

"Yeah," she confirmed, looking up and moving over to the couch. "And...uh...I can't..." She mumbled something incoherent.

"You can't what?"

"I can't...*forget* it," she finished, clearly embarrassed. Carter paused, staring incredulously at her until he finally found the ability of speech again.

"I...don't...understand."

Jing Mei rolled her eyes tiredly, then leaned over to him, cupping his face in her hands. Slowly her lips met his, his mind went blank as the kiss deepened...and only when she pulled away did it actually click what had just happened.

The silence that ensued was almost painful as they just stared at each other, each daring the other with their eyes to say something, to *do* something.

"I'm in love with you," she declared suddenly, breaking the tension and almost giving Carter a heart attack. His eyes met hers, then ducked down to study his palms.

"You can't be..."

"Why not?"

"I...because....it's *you*...and *me*..."

"Did you have a point?"

"It's just a little weird, I mean, we've been best friends for years - "

"And all those years, all I've ever wanted was to kiss you and be with you," Jing Mei told him seriously, catching his eyes. "I understand if you want to just ignore this and make it go away...but I can't do that...so let me know, and I'll just try to avoid you that much more."

She stood up, running her hand through her hair wearily and turning to the door. Carter stood up quickly, not even noticing as a quiet sound of metal against metal started outside the door.

"No...Deb...please..."

She stopped, turning to meet his intense gaze. There was a brief pause, and then they were back in each other’s arms, a blur of lips and tongues and arms and hearts. Neither of them even noticed as the door swung open.

"John, I - "

If it hadn't been for the fact that he was still alive, Carter would've sworn his heart had stopped beating at the familiar voice. He pulled abruptly from Jing Mei's embrace and looked Abby right in the eye. She stared back, a look of horror and embarrassment marring her features.

"Sorry to interrupt."

**********