TITLE: Speechless (Part 15 of `In Spite Of Me`)

AUTHOR: Ceri

SUMMARY: Carter goes to Abby’s side after she has a miscarriage.

Speechless

Suddenly, the world seemed a lot darker. Clouds had formed over what had been a clear blue sky, the sun was no longer shining down on the earth, droplets of rain were making slow progress in their descent to the ground.

He could taste blood in his mouth...he hadn’t even realized he had been biting down on his lip for the entire cab ride to the hospital. Truth was, he hadn’t really noticed anything. His mind was racing, his stomach churning, his whole body shaking with a mixture of nerves and fear.

Fear was right.

He couldn’t bear to think about Abby, alone in the hospital...going through all this... He sighed, his breath shallow, feeling like that one breath was stealing all his energy, all his resolve...

God. She’d miscarried.

The baby, the baby he had loved so much before it was even born, the baby who was going to light up their lives, the baby who he had said wasn’t his own...

Christ. She’d miscarried.

His eyes clamped shut, one single tear leaking out reluctantly, his grip on the car seat tightening dramatically. His knuckles turned white, matching the icy pale of his cheeks, the cold, distant glare of his eyes as they opened once more, looking through the glass and up at the building looming above him.

He paid the driver, making his way towards the ER at a snail’s pace. His feet dragged along like blocks of concrete, his whole body weighed down with some inexplicable force that wasn’t going away. Fighting the weariness that threatened to halt him in his path, he took one final step through the ambulance bay doors.

Kerry was at his side immediately, her face a picture of concern and sympathy. She talked, told him things, but he wasn’t listening. Instead, his gaze was focused far away, on the exam room, blinds open, with Abby in it. Her huddled form was on the gurney, facing away from the door. He blinked. But he wasn’t crying.

“...about an hour ago...cramping, spotting...should be fine within a few days...”

She hadn’t moved. She was just lying there, almost like she was dead. But she wasn’t. Just their child. And it was his own fault. His face crumpled, another tear escaping down his cheek, and he raised a shaking hand to wipe it away.

“John,” Kerry said gently, bringing his attention back to her. There was a pause as they stared at each other, Carter’s watery eyes meeting her empathetic gaze. “I know this is hard. You have to be strong...not just for you. For Abby.”

Carter shook his head slowly, breaking their gaze. “I don’t know if I can just...go in there, tell her everything’s fine...”

Kerry reached out and squeezed his hand. “You don’t have to, because it isn’t. She knows that. Just...” She paused. “Be there for her. That’s all you can do.”

Once more, he felt like the world had stopped spinning. It was suddenly harder to breathe, harder to move, harder to live. And yet he walked forwards, in to the exam room, the door swinging shut softly behind him. She didn’t flinch, didn’t move. His heart jolted in his chest, he wanted to turn and run, leave her to mourn in private...surely that would be better for her than being with him.

But he couldn’t move. He couldn’t leave her like this...not now. Not ever.

He made his way around the gurney, sitting silently on the stool nearby. Stoically he reached out and touched her face, wiping away the tears, then held on to her hand.

There was silence.

“I’m sorry....”

Carter looked up sharply, the faint whisper almost making him jump. He stared at her, biting down on his lip again, shaking his head slowly. “No...don’t be...you didn’t do anything wrong...”

Her gaze didn’t shift from the metal IV pole next to her, appearing to study the silvery substance with careful interest. Another tear followed in the path of it’s predecessor, painting a watery line down her cheek. “...I’m so sorry, John...”

Carter didn’t need any more encouragement to gather her fragile body up in his arms, and hold her so close, so tight, that he might never be able to let her go again. There was silence again. “It’s not your fault, Abby...” he murmured.

Her body shook with sobs, her tears coursing unchecked down her face as she gripped on to him. “I...I’m...sorry...”

That was it. Mutual tears were shed – tears for their child, for the future it could’ve had, for the life that had been taken away. Tears for themselves – for the loss, for the lives they could’ve led, for the love they could’ve given.

And the tears didn’t stop.

*****

A few hours had passed, and no more words had been spoken between them. There was an unspoken understanding, an unspoken guilt between them that neither wanted to drag up again just yet. The silence had just got too much for him, the constant repression of emotions...he had to get out. He had muttered something about coffee, and escaped. He just honestly didn’t know what to say to her, and Abby looked as if she’d rather not talk to him...ever again, most probably.

He couldn’t bring himself to just sit there though. Sitting around with his own thoughts was hard enough anyway – at least in the lounge he was a reasonable distance away from the pain. Yes. Down there, he could ignore what was going on, retreat in to his shell, and stay there.

But even when he wasn’t with Abby, his thoughts drifted to her. This shouldn’t have surprised him – he knew from long experience that the thing you don’t want to think about the most is the thing that you end up thinking about all the time. He was desperate to forget the truth, to block it from his mind...but he had failed miserably. Just like he did with everything.

That’s right. Along with every other aspect of his life, it came down to his failure complex. He just couldn’t do anything right, as far as he could see. His parents couldn’t love him because he was such a bad son. He couldn’t be there for his dying brother because he was a bad sibling. He couldn’t mentor a student properly; bitched and whined and ignored her until finally, she was taken away all together. He couldn’t maintain a healthy friendship, so hung up was he on all things sexual. He couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship, constantly picking at his jealousies until there was nothing left. And he couldn’t be healthy at all, knocking back drugs at the first sign of pain.

Basically, he was a failure.

This didn’t surprise him either. He had always suspected that he was just a waste of space, killing students and unborn babies as he made his way through life.

Tears pricked up in his eyes. Why was he even there? Why was he taking up precious space, precious oxygen? Just a waste of space, a waste of life when someone like Lucy, or his child, might’ve lived.

Strangely, he didn’t cry. What had happened to the tears, he just didn’t know. He had frozen up somewhere along the line; emotions bottled up under the surface, never to be seen by anyone but him. He couldn’t deal with all this; he couldn’t deal with losing everything again; he just...couldn’t face it.

“Carter?”

That familiar voice, that familiar accent grated in to him, and he looked up. How dare he just walk in? How dare he just talk to him like this? Sure, he was in the doctor’s lounge, but still... Carter sighed. His reasoning to hate the man was getting weaker and weaker as time went on.

“I heard...about the baby, I’m sorry.”

Carter nodded blankly, turning his gaze back to the lockers opposite him. There weren’t words anymore; all power of coherent thought having deserted him as soon as Kerry had told him about...about...

He looked down quickly, finding himself close to tears once more. Granted, they wouldn’t spill over. But still, it didn’t seem very manly. Not foreign- guy manly. Not kill-a-mugger-for-your-girlfriend manly.

Suddenly he realized that Luka had sat down next to him, and was leaning forward, staring at his hands. Carter turned to look at the man, study his expression...Luka looked sad. Depressed even.

“I talked to Abby earlier...before...before it happened.”

Carter snorted, sarcastic, bitter laughter taking over any other feelings he was experiencing at that moment. “Why doesn’t that surprise me? – “

“We didn’t sleep together,” he stated firmly, cutting Carter off before he could really get in to the harsh, jealous remarks. Their eyes met, and Carter felt nauseous. Oh God.

“You...didn’t?”

“No,” Luka replied, dropping his eyes. “I...I kissed her. And she told me she was in love with you.” Luka paused, clearly fighting with his emotions, shaking his head regretfully. “And that was that.”

It was one of those moments when your heart leapt in to your throat, and you wished desperately to wake up from this horrible dream, or go back in time and make everything right. Damnit.

“God...”

Luka looked up at Carter, his face as blank as Carter’s had been previously. “Yeah. I think you need to talk to her.”

Normally, Carter would’ve responded with a sarcastic quip, or just glared at the man. But he was right. Carter had jumped to conclusions, fucked up royally once more, and now was paying the price.

“I’ll see you later.”

When Carter looked up again, Luka had gone. Once more he was alone.

He supposed he should get used to it.

*****