TITLE: A Kiss In The Dark (Part 9 of `In Spite Of Me`)

AUTHOR: Ceri

EMAIL: ceriellis@yahoo.com

CATEGORY: JC

RATING: Universal

SPOILERS: Probably…

ARCHIVE: Sure, just ask

DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me. Just the ideas, twisted angst, and all the trappings of this particular Carby love-in - they're all mine, mua ha ha.

AUTHORS NOTES: It's about time I actually thanked my poor and downtrodden beta's - who must be fed up of the sight of mee on AIM by now. Big *hugs* and thank you's to Jen and Mona, without whom I would suck mightily. Oh, and this chapter's for all you Jinter's! :)

SUMMARY: Carter's evening doesn't turn out quite as he planned.

A Kiss In The Dark

The water was so still, so calm, tiny little lights reflected in it like a mirror. A light breeze rustled through the trees, tiny spots of rain coming down from what had looked, on first glance, fairly clear and empty. They flicked on to his face, providing a cool relief from the excursion he had enjoyed. His face was flushed from walking - it was quite more of a distance from the meeting to the river than either of them had thought. He didn't dare tear his eyes away from the river though…he didn't know what she would say, or think, or do. So…he didn't move.

"So you went then?"

She glanced over at him, the coffee cup in warming her hands lifted to her mouth for a sip. "Yeah."

He nodded, still staring out across the water. "What made you change your mind?"

There was a pause, and sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Luka made me."

Man, she knew how to get to him. Carter couldn't make her go, but Luka could. She wouldn't listen to Carter, but she would listen to Luka. Luka, who's so great. Luka, who's so foreign. Luka who'd kill a man for her. Yay Luka.

He felt her eyes on him, expecting a snappy retort of some kind. But he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of pissing him off - no, that could wait for when he had a better remark to reply with. He had so many stored in his head earlier as he waited for her, but now, when he needed sarcasm the most, it deserted him.

"There's nothing going on between us."

He looked up at last, looking over at her. He met her eyes, and Abby smiled softly. "You think I could just jump back in to his bed, just like that?"

Carter stood up and shrugged, moving forward to lean against the railing. "I don't know Abby. But even if you did, it wouldn't make a difference right?"

He felt her eyes burning in to his back, and soon she was next to him, her whole body swiveled to face him. He didn't blink as she reached over, holding on to his hand. "It would make a difference…to me, at least."

He looked down at her fingers, laced in to his own, then back at her face. As much as he wanted to be with her, to kiss her, to just…exist around her, he didn't know if he could anymore. If he could trust her. If he could trust *himself*. Now who was conflicted?!

"I'm sorry."

He frowned, meeting her intensive stare with one of his own. "Why?"

"I walked out on you," she shrugged, ducking her eyes down awkwardly when their gaze got too much for her. "And…well, I employed double standards. I can tell you to go to NA but you can't tell me to go to AA?" She glanced up at him briefly then cast her eyes across the river. "Dr Chen was right. I am a fool."

Carter didn't want to think about just how much of his conversation with Deb she had heard, choosing instead to focus on what she had just said. The words played on his mind, but strangely, didn't convince him. What had changed?

"Say something," she prompted nervously.

Slowly, he pulled his hand out of her grasp, dropping it down to his side. "I think…that you need to think it all through. Go to AA. Recover. And - and think about what you want."

She rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "I *know* what I want John."

"In a week? What's changed in a week? How have we suddenly got nothing to contend with?" he asked. "You were right, Abby. We just let passion take over everything else…I needed someone to make me forget my addiction…and now you need the same thing. That's all it is."

For a moment, he could've sworn she was going to cry. But then, her guard went up, her face froze, expressionless and cold. "Well I'm glad you told me this now," she responded, her voice wavering slightly, "You know, before I could fall in love with you or anything."

Carter winced, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "It's not about love, Abby. It's about…it's about the right thing to do. And if us going out means I push and push you until you throw six years of sobriety down the drain, then it's not worth it."

"Not worth it?" she questioned.

"Your health, your happiness…that's worth more than what I could ever do or say."

She glanced down once more, then up again. "Well I have to be going now."

Carter just stared, the tears in her eyes reflected in his own. If this was doing the right thing, then he didn't want to do it again. Screw morals - this truly sucked.

"See you."

**********

The scene hadn't changed an hour later. Rain still spotted down on his, the wind still crept past him, the river was still calm. The only thing that had changed was that now, he felt like he was totally empty. And the one thing that could fill him was not coming back. Granted, it should've been his own job to seek *her* out…but he wasn't sure he could move. He hadn't attempted it since he had sat back down on the bench - which, had life gone the way that it was supposed to, should have been engraved with `JC + AL 4EVA` - and that had been an hour ago. If it had been any colder, his ass would've frozen to the seat. Then he wouldn't have to move at all, and could just bask in the memories of that place…all of them with Abby, unsurprisingly.

If this had been a cheesy sitcom, that would've been the cue for Lucy's ghost to appear, translucent, floating a foot or so above the ground, and would proceed to give him life-altering advice.

Damn. Life would be so much better if it was.

**********

He had given up on anything coming out of staying by the river - Abby sure as hell wasn't gonna return, and he wasn't up for seeking her out. What he had said, as painful as it had been, was true. Man, he had never hated the truth so much before…everything would be so much easier without morals, without a conscience.

The only thing that could drag a smile on to his face was the fact that nothing was going on between Abby and the Croatian crudbucket.

Yep. That was a nice thought.

Not that he had been jealous…not at all….when she wasn't with him, she could sleep with anyone she liked. And so could he. Anyone. He had his pick, lining up…

Bah. Who was he kidding? He wouldn't have gone near anyone, even if they *were* lining up. Because he loved Abby. Loved! Ha. He sure knew how to show it.

A pierce ringing interrupted his self-deprecation, and he paused to place the sound.

Doorbell! Immediately he was filled with hope, anticipation, just picturing the sight of Abby standing at his door…ah.

A familiar face smiled back at him, clutching a bottle of soda and a bag of marshmallows. "I come bearing gifts."

He allowed himself a grin, and opened the door wider. "Gee, Deb, you sure know how to treat a guy."

She giggled, stepping inside and shrugged off her coat. "If you don't want any, then don't have any - "

"I never said I didn't want any," he interrupted, pulling the bag from her hands and breaking it open hungrily with his teeth. "I haven't eaten since the meeting,"

"NA?" she asked, hanging up her coat and collapsing gracefully on to his couch.

"AA."

"Did you see Abby?" she asked curiously, tucking her legs up under herself and staring up at him. He couldn't help but smile at her expression as he gathered two glasses and joined her on the couch.

"Yep. I told her that she needed to think about what she wants and she needs to recover before we do anything else."

Jing Mei raised her eyebrows, leaning back and accepting a full glass of fizzing drink. Her eyes rested on his over the rim of the cup, and he could've sworn he saw her blush. Before he could even begin to address why, she was talking again.

"Well, you certainly made your point."

He nodded, chewing thoughtfully on a marshmallow. The sticky sweetness got caught at the back of his throat, and he washed it down with another gulp of soda. "This is clogging my veins as we speak."

She smiled knowingly, snatching a marshmallow from the bag and popping it in her mouth. "That was the plan. Make yourself feel so sick, then you'll forget your woes!" She paused, noting his dubious expression. "Trust me, it works - I've tried and tested it."

"I'll take your word for it," he chuckled, handing the bag over.

"Aw, come on…" she teased, trying to push it back in to his hands, "You know you want to…"

"I don't like feeling sick, Deb," he retorted with a grin, "Maybe that's one of your sick perversions, but - "

He was cut off as she shoved a marshmallow in to his mouth, giggling. Her fingers lingered for a moment too long on his lips, and their eyes met. Carter swallowed nervously as her fingers traced the outline of his mouth, then dropped. Before he knew what was happening, her lips were in the place of her fingers.

The one thing he would remember in the future was the softness of her lips. It was weird - he'd never imagined she could be like this - she was his friend after all, and nothing more. But now? She had her hands up his shirt, he had his hands tugging her pants zip, and they were getting to know each other's mouths better than your average dentist visit.

And then…he didn't really remember. There was a lot of kissing, and some inappropriate groping, and then stumbling…falling to his bed - how they go there was beyond him - and then…God.

Yep, it was the official ruining of a perfectly good friendship. And as he lay there, arms wrapped around his best friend's naked body, he didn't know what to say.

**********