CHAPTER 10

down and down we go....la la la

I DO promise this though - ((whispering)) .... they're going to be okay
...... eventually
but don't shout it around too much - I just don't want you to get mad and
quit reading !

...........................................

As Abby drove home, she felt herself sink deeper and deeper into her old
world of hopelessness, self-hatred and pity. She thought about John, thought
about how she'd never been so happy in her life. God, she loved him - no one
had even come close before. That was why she wasn't going to fight this. She
wasn't going to pretend they could make it, she couldn't take that, couldn't
let herself destroy them slowly. Her world took on a new sense of darkness.
A world with John in it, and yet she was still the same person, still with
the same pain, the same scars that never got the chance to heal. When she
was with him, she felt untouchable, but even now, she could be torn apart in
an instant.

Everything I touch turns to dust. I destroy everything.
I'm a bad, bad person.
I don't deserve to be loved, It just wasn't meant to be.
I don't deserve his love.
I don't deserve him, and he doesn't deserve this.
No, I'll have to end it now.
I have to kill it, before I kill him.
It's the only thing that makes sense.
I just hope John can think as clearly about it as I can .....

.............................................

Abby turned the key in the lock, and opened the door slowly. He was right
there, staring at her, waiting for her. He looked mad, he looked like shit.
"Where have you been?! Susan called, she said you were upset."
He looked at her, looking for a sign she was even listening to him. She
seemed to look straight through him. She scared him slightly.
"Listen, I need time to think. I want you to leave."
John looked at her like she was insane.
"What the hell are you talking about, have you been drinking?"
She didn't even respond to that. She didn't get mad - he couldn't even
provoke that out of her. Even worse, she spoke slowly, quietly, carefully.
"No...I just want to be alone. I want YOU to leave me alone John."
"No! ... I - I'm not leaving! What is going on?!"
He was shouting now - confused, desperate.
"fine then" she said quietly, turning around to leave.
"No!" shouted John, grabbing her by the arms "You're not gonna do this Abby"
"Let go of me"
"What is wrong with you??? So a kid died - I'm sorry Abby, but it happens!
You deal with it, and you move on!"
"How can you say that?"
"Because it's life! Because it's part of the job Abby! People die! Kids die!
You should know that by now"
He was too desperate, too upset to regret the harshness of his words.
"You could never understand" she spat back at him
"How can you say that? I work there too! I see it everyday! Tell me why I
don't understand....tell me!"
Abby struggled in his arms.
"Because you've never been a mother! Because you've never lost a baby, never
had to live with the guilt of killing your baby because you didn't want it,
because it wasn't convenient at the time...."

"....because you don't look at every child that dies in that hospital and
feel like somehow, your baby died all over again."

Abby stopped, and breathed, her lips trembling, on the verge of breaking
down.
"...because you're okay, and I'll NEVER be okay."
With that, she shoved him away from her and left.

John stood, rooted to the spot. He heard Abby drive away in his jeep. He
tried to take in everything she'd said, those last words she'd whispered :
"...I'll never be okay" He couldn't think straight, couldn't get his mind
around what just happened.
"God damn it!" he cursed, kicking the door shut violently, and then leaning
back against it. He rubbed his face wearily with his hands, running them
through his hair and over the back of his head, resting them behind his
neck. He felt terrible, he felt sick and light-headed. He didn't know what
to do, so he sat back down on the couch, wrapped himself in the duvet and
waited - praying she'd come home soon.

Hoping that somehow, everything would be okay.

.......................................................

Susan heard a light knocking at her door. She turned down the TV and checked
her watch. It read 10pm. She wondered who the heck it could be ....
"Who is it?"
"It's Abby ...."
Susan frowned as she opened the door.
"Hey, Abby ..."
"Hi, err I wondered if it would be okay to stop here tonight ... if it's no
trouble"
Susan looked extremely confused.
"No, I mean sure ... but only if you're gonna tell me what happened"
Abby raised her eyebrows and whispered "thank you"
Susan smiled.
"Well get in here already, you look like crap"

Abby sat down in the living room while Susan made coffee. Susan watched her
from the kitchen. She looked totally withdrawn, she had the look of someone
who had so much, and was perfectly willing to throw it all away.
Susan brought the coffee in and sat down, facing Abby across the table. Abby
sat there, lost in her own thoughts, her elbows resting on her knees,
fiddling with her hands.
"What's going on Abby?"
Abby stared at her hands, seeming to detach herself as much as possible
"I'm leaving John"
Susan spat her coffee back into her mug, barely hiding her astonishment.
"What?!"
"I told him I wanted him to leave me alone. He ... he wouldn't, so I ...I
left instead"
Abby almost sniggered at the irony of him hijacking her apartment, and her
stealing his car. Susan interrupted her thoughts, putting her mug down
firmly, barely hiding her irritation.
"Abby ... why? - why'd you do that?"
Abby didn't respond.
"Did you even talk to him? Does he know what happened to you?"
"Yes .... and no"
"Abby! - he loves you"
Abby eyes filled up at this. She didn't want to hurt him, she loved him. Was
she doing the right thing? Her thoughts then turned to Douglas, she heard
his frightened voice inside her head, imagined her own child .... No, she
was doing the right thing, this was the only way.
Susan tried to check her voice, tried to remember how hurt Abby had been
earlier today.
"Abby, you ... you need help"
Abby sneered.
"I hate counselors"
"Yeah, well same here, but you've got to deal with this, properly"
"Well, it's like I said, I'm never going to be okay"
"Well that's a cop out if ever I heard one. You know, do you even WANT to be
alright Abby, or do you just want to spend the rest of your life running
away all over again? You're a big girl now"
Abby's head snapped up. Susan cringed at the look on Abby's face. She'd hurt
her. A tear rolled down Abby's cheek. She didn't want to hear this. She
couldn't listen to this.
"Thank you for the coffee" she mumbled, then she got up and walked straight
out of the door.
"Damn it" Susan snapped at herself as she hurried to the door.
"Abby, wait"
Abby ignored her, got into Carter's jeep, and drove off.
Susan sighed and closed the door. She could have handled that better. She
couldn't believe what a mess Abby was.

I shouldn't have judged her so quickly.
God, I'm supposed to be her friend too.

Susan thought about Abby for a while. She wondered if she might be bi-polar
like her mother, but dismissed it instantly as being ridiculous. She'd never
seen Abby like this before, and she'd never noticed any drastic mood swings.
No, Abby had a lot of demons from her past, a lot of hurt that had never
been dealt with. One thing was for sure, she needed help, and badly. She had
made up her mind, she wasn't gonna just stand back on this one.
Susan grabbed the phone and dialed the number.
"Come on, pick up"
..three rings ... four rings
"Carter? ... it's Susan ... we need to talk"

........................................................................

END OF CHAPTER 10

are you hating me yet?

don't worry, I haven't forgotten the Eleanor thread - that's gonna come back
in.
Will be some serious Eleanor/Carter interaction, as well as some MAJOR drama

please review