CHAPTER 9

I suppose this is where the "drama" side begins.
You know it couldn't stay happy for too long, right?

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Susan sat on the couch in the lounge, drinking her coffee and reading
through a magazine.
"So how'd it go with the Ice Maiden?" she asked, looking up at Abby who was
leaning against the side. Abby swallowed her last mouthful of coffee, and
put her mug on the side.
"Okay .... I think. She's seems a lot nicer than I remember"
Susan sneered playfully
"I never met the mother - although the grandmother was bad enough. So, what
did she want? to warn you off? I mean with you being rampant gold-digger and
all"
"Actually, she invited me to dinner tomorrow .... on my OWN"
"VERY diplomatic ... I take it you're going?"
"I could hardly refuse Susan"
They sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments.
"You scared?"
Abby smiled at Susan.
"terrified"
"I'd be fleeing the country by now"
"Yeah, well don't even tempt me." replied Abby, pouring herself a second mug
of coffee.

....................................

"What have we got???" yelled Susan in the ambulance bay
"7 year old male, hit and run. Major damage to the left leg, open break -
lost a hell of a lot of blood...."
Abby didn't hear much of what Doris said. Her eyes were fixed on the face of
the little boy they were wheeling in to the hospital.
"Oh, God, I know this kid"
"You do?" Susan looked at Abby for a second, and then began giving orders to
Chuny, Haleh and Gallant.
"Douglas, Douglas, can you hear me?"
The little boy started at the sound of Abby's voice, struggling to focus on
the woman speaking to him.
"Douglas honey, you're at the hospital, you got hit by a car"
"Mommy? Mommy, is that you?"
Abby bit her bottom lip as tears threatened to fall from her eyes. She found
it so painful to see the little boy so distressed, he was terrified. She
couldn't believe that this was the little boy she was so fond of, the little
boy she'd wished was hers, and he was in such a mess.
"Did his mom come in with him?"
"No, she died, months ago" Abby spoke quietly so that he wouldn't hear her.
She stroked his face, trying to sooth him
"Shhhh, Douglas, you're going to be okay, we're gonna make you better honey"
His eyes were glassy, he was staring wildly around him, unable to focus on
anything.
"Mommy? Mommy? ... It's dark .... I'm scared ... It's dark .."
Abby felt her heart break as his eyes rolled slowly backwards and closed.
She stepped back in disbelief, watching as Susan barked orders at the team,
seeing them shout words that she couldn't hear. She felt numb, watching as
they shocked his little body, his chest lifting of the gurney in violent
jerks. She couldn't do this, she couldn't believe this was happening.
Holding the back of her hand to her mouth, Abby walked quickly out of the
trauma room, tears already rolling steadily down her face. She ran up flight
after flight of stairs and on to the roof. She bent over, bracing her hands
on her knees, and breathing deeply. Then straightening up, she looked out
over the ambulance bay, and as everything sunk in, she began to cry.

........................................................

Susan walked on to the roof. Abby was sat on the floor, her back to the
wall, looking straight ahead. She'd been crying, but she wasn't anymore. Her
eyes were bloodshot, she looked ... empty.
Susan walked over and crouched just in front of her.
"did he die?" her voice was flat, void of emotion.
Susan nodded sadly
"he'd lost a lot of blood"
Abby nodded, determined not to cry in front of her coworker. Susan shifted,
and sat next to Abby, against the wall.
"did his father come in?"
"no, his aunty did. He was staying with her while his dad was away on
business"
Abby went to speak, and then stopped, turning away as if fighting against
herself. Susan wished she'd open up to her, and refusing to break the
silence, she waited for Abby to speak.
"I looked after him when his mom died. She'd died the night before, and
nobody told him. He'd just sat in chairs all night waiting for her. It must
be about four, five months ago now ... it was the day Sobricki was brought
in."
Susan remembered the day.
"That was the worst day of my life."
Susan was listening intently to Abby, realizing that she was ready to talk.
"You know I took him to the morgue, to see his mom. He didn't believe she
was dead."
Abby cocked her head to one side as if visualizing the whole thing.
"He said she looked like sleeping beauty..." Abby smiled at the memory.
"He whispered something in her ear, and then he kissed her, and I remembered
thinking how lucky that woman was, to have a little boy who loved her so
much. And then I felt like shit - because I was jealous of a dead woman."
Abby laughed bitterly at herself, and then looked at Susan, searching for
condemnation, looking for the same hate that she felt for herself. Susan
sensed this and smiled sadly at Abby.
"What happened?"
Abby held Susan's gaze for a second, clearly thinking something about her
before she felt embarrassed. Blushing, she turned away.
"Social services took him." Abby pushed away the painful memory of him
clinging to her waist, begging to stay with her.
"I remember" Abby looked at Susan in surprise.
"He caused a scene, didn't want to go. I remember him screaming your name.
It must have been hard."
Abby didn't say anything for a few moments.
"I wished he was mine" she commented, feeling selfish, hating the way her
voice was full of self-pity.
"You can still have kids Abby..."
Abby cut her off, almost snapping at Susan
"I don't deserve kids"
Susan didn't know what to say.
"Why would you think that?"
Abby avoided the question, turning away from Susan.
"You know, that day... it was my birthday. My ex husband, Richard told me he
was getting remarried."
"that's bad"
"I thought so" Abby paused, as if forgetting what she had been saying
"He told me he always wanted kids, which, you know, he might have said a few
years ago cause then I wouldn't have...."
Abby halted, unsure of whether to go on. What the hell she thought
"...I wouldn't have killed my baby."
Abby was struggling to hold back the tears, covering her hand with her
mouth.
"You had an abortion" It was a statement, not a question.
"I was scared, I was depressed... I had a drinking problem........ I was
worried cause my mom's bipolar. I thought that maybe I was, or maybe my baby
would be....."
Abby sneered at how pathetic she felt she was, realizing that deep down,
despite everything, she still hated herself for it.
"I had an abortion Susan. My marriage was a disaster. I didn't even tell
Richard."
Abby sighed
"I took the easy way out, and I paid the price."
"Abby, nothing of what you went through was easy. You did what you thought
was best"
"I didn't let my baby live Susan. Douglas died - scared and alone. He came
in alone and he died alone. And I got rid of my baby, and I'll never be
okay." Abby's voice broke as she said these last words,
Abby began to cry again, in quiet, muffled sobs. Susan put an arm around her
and rubbed her back. She was very moved by how hurt, how wounded Abby was
under everything.

"... I'm never going to be okay"

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END OF CHAPTER 9

welcome to my downhill spiral - just remember you don't get an Abby without
an angst

hope you don't hate me for it !

please review.