Chapter 9 --- Tasty Chocobos

Yuna and the rest were waiting for Tydus and Auron to return at the beginning of Mi’ihen Highroad. It was a peaceful, grassy plain with ruins scattered about it.

"I guess Tydus knows Sir Auron," said Yuna, "He didn’t very happy to seem him, though..."

They stood there. Kimahri swatted at a butterfly.

"How about that blitzball game?" asked Wakka.

"Very eventful..." replied Yuna.

"You haven’t seen the giant trophy we won!" and he pulled a huge clear blue pointy hunk of plastic. It was as tall as he was. The group goggled at its shimmering beauty.

"How in the world did that fit in your pocket dimension?"

"Extra large executive level p.d." he said proudly. They glared at him.

"Weren’t you supposed to leave that with your team?" Lulu raised an eyebrow.

"They’re all losers! This trophy doesn’t belong to them!"

Lulu shook her head. "Speaking of losers..." she said as she noticed Auron dragging Tydus toward them.

"Hello, Sir Auron!" said Yuna, ignoring Lulu.

"Don’t call me that," said Auron.

"My apologies, Sir Auron," se said with a bowed head. Auron sighed.

"Since Tydus here needs to get at Sin anyway, I am offering to be your guardian, along with Tydus, of course."

"What?!" exclaimed Tydus, "I thought we already discussed this! I’m done following in my father’s footsteps!"

"Oh, dear," sighed Yuna, "This is not a happy arrangement. But what Auron says, goes! Come on, Tydus! To Dijose temple!"

"I wanna go back to Luca," Tydus pouted. At least Luca had blitzball.

"You really have to get over your father," said Yuna.

"It’s not just my old man, it’s him," he said vehemently, pointing an accusing finger at Auron. Auron shrugged. "He’s such a jerk!"

"Crybaby," said Auron.

"Arg!" Tydus yelled in frustration, and he stormed off down Mi’ihen Highroad.

"What was that about?" Yuna asked, but Auron had started walking as well. She sighed and followed them, as did the rest. As they walked they were, of course, attacked by fiends. The most annoying of which was a one-eyed bat thing that would make one of them confused. Once confused, they would attack themselves and each other. Tydus thought it was incredibly funny until Auron tried to take a chunk out of him. Fortunately, a blitzball to the face would bring it down.

According to Tydus’s guide, starting now everyone would be extremely nice and give all sorts of goodies to them. He talked to everyone and aquired various helpful things. One even gave him an exotic plant. But he had to wonder...

"Hey, are all these people on the road getting attacked by fieds, or is it just us?" he asked, "’Cuz I can’t believe that little girl could fight a Dual Horn."

"I’m sure she manages," said Lulu distractedly.

"What about that old man over there?" Tydus pointed at a hunched man wearing a tall green hat who was walking around aimlessly. Upon being noticed, he hobbled over to them.

"Hello! My name is Maechen, the scholar," he said pleasantly.

"Hello," Tydus said, "We-"

"We are all mudpuppies! Mudpuppies, I tell you!" he ranted, waving his arms hysterically. Then he ran away as if attacked by seagulls, jumped into a ruined building, and looked out from behind a crumbling wall with shifty eyes. The group stared, but the old man didn’t move at all, except for his eyes, which flicked back and forth suspiciously.

"Okay..." said Tydus, and they started walking again, but before he went one step there was a fiend attack. "Fsck! I hate it when that happens!" he said. A ways down the road they noticed several chocobos being ridden by two women and a man in armor.

"Probably slave chocobos leading a large group of unseen slave chocobos to the factories to work 25 hours a day with one biscuit for breakfast!" thought Tydus. He was on the first syllables of "Chocobo Eater" when everyone clunked him on the head with their various weapons. Tydus rubbed his poor head. "Owie."

"Hello!" Yuna called to the riders who were staring at the bizarre people who beat up on the foreigner in their group.

"Howdy!" replied the lead rider. She waited until the strange group got closer, the said, "We are the Chocobo Knights. My name is Lucil."

"I’m-" started the man.

"And I’m Elma," added the other woman.

"My name’s-"

"I’m Yuna, and these are my many, many guardians, who are all slightly defective in their own special way."

"I never agreed to that!" protested the foreign boy, "And you three, let the chocobos go! You think they’re things made to do your bidding, but they have feelings too!"

"Actually-" the man tried again.

"They’re beasts ment for labor, boy, get over it!" interupted Elma.

"Rawr!" Tydus screamed, "You’re the beast!" He charged at her, but Auron grabbed him by the hood of his strange jacket. "Grrr!" he growled menacingly.

"Well, we’ll be off helping the Crusaders in their secret mission, good luck on your pilgrimage," Lucil said hastily.

"So, what’s the mission?" Yuna asked slyly.

"Secret."

"Well, yes, but what will you be doing?"

"Oh, why, we’re the ground forces in a big attempt to destroy Sin forever. The Crusaders are organizing the whole thing. First they get a ton of sinspawn in one place, then when one place, then when Sin comes to pick them up the Crusaders blast it’s ass with the cannon machina until the Al Bhed are ready to use the big machina. Hopefully, the constant barrage will do something good for us and we’ll go from there."

As she was saying this, a look of supreme hatred was forming on Wakka’s face. Before he could rain punishment down on these knights who were plotting with the Al Bhed, Auron grabbed him by the back of his yellow shirt thing with his free hand.

Yuna was stunned. "What about the Final Summoning?"

"You know that doesn’t work, right?"

Yuna hung her head in saddness. The Knights were getting uneasy. In spite of Auron’s annoyingly superior strength he was starting to lose his grip on Tydus now that he had to hold onto Wakka too. They decided it would be a good time to leave. When they were out of sight Tydus and Wakka stopped struggling and Auron let them go. Lulu shook her head. Kimahri had almost caught the butterfly once, but it had otherwise eluded him.

A little further on the came to a woman standing by some ruins. She had a very strange yellow hat, if it could be called a hat. It was on her head, anyway. She was watching them approach with dull eyes. "Greetings, summoner. I am the mysterious Summoner Belgemine. I would test your aeon skills, but let’s just assume you win. Here’s a ring! Buck up!" She thumped hard Yuna on the back while handing her a ring made out of a paperclip.

"Wha--?"

"Go on. I have a dentist appointment to get to," and she nudged Yuna onward.

Yuna continued stuttering helplessly, but Tydus, who was used to weird things, took it in stride. He thanked the peculiar lady then led the baffled Yuna away, and the rest of the group followed.

Eventually, they could see a colorful building in a clearing on the road. Many happy chocobos were frolicking around a sign near the building that read: DANGER! CHOCOBO EATER! It is important to note that chocobos can’t read. Unfortunately, Wakka could read, and he read the sign over the building: The Al Bhed Inn (No Wakka).

"Dirty, rotten Al Bhed! They’re showing up everywhere!" Wakka muttered, then continued muttering incoherently in a low hiss.

"We’ll rest here," said Auron.

"Yes, sir, Mr. Boss, sir!" Tydus said sarcastically, and stood at mock attention.

"Let’s get inside before Tydus tries to scatter the c-h-o-c-o-b-o’s," Lulu suggested.

"I can spell, too, you know."

"I do now."

"Wakka, would you shut up!" yelled Tydus. Wakka stopped muttering to glare at the inn.

"Well, I can see everyone’s gettign cranky without their sleep," Yuna teased, "Let’s get you all tucked in, then."

Wakka glared at her, then at everyone else in turn, then left to find a nice patch of grass to sleep in. Everyone else went inside where they rested in fluffy manufactured Al Bhed beds.

In the morning there was someone new in the lobby. This man was tan with long blonde hair. "What a badly dressed dork," thought Tydus.

"Sahhu, bi veba yz Rin," said Rin. (Hello, my name is Rin.)

"Sahhu!" replied Tydus, "Can we talk in English, I’m afraid Wakka might overhear."

"Wakka? You are with him? Then I guess I don’t have to explain the sign. This is mmy inn, you see."

"Ah, well we won’t be here long, stupid Auron will probably come in any moment and say-"

Suddenly Auron burst into the room, "Tydus, let’s go!"

"Arg, whatever," Tydus said to him, then rolled his eyes at Rin and moped off. Outside there were chocobos running everywhere. "Suspicious..." Tydus thought.

"Aiiiieee!" screamed someone, "Chocobo Eater!"

"Hey, that’s my line!" said Tydus, then he noticed the Chocobo Eater. His initial fear was overcome by his feeling for the oversized yellow birds. "For the chocobos!" he yelled, and confronted the freakish monster. It ad a purple head with two short feet sicking out of the bottom. The huge hands were on long powerful arms, which connected to the sides of his head. The front of the head was the worst. Two beady eyes shined above an enormous gaping mouth lined with dripping teeth. It had two tongues and most closely resembled a meat grinder.

"How dare you eat cute creatures!" Tydus scolded.

"Sheep," the Chocobo Eater rumbled. Everyone laughed at Tydus.

"Kill it!" said Tydus. The hit it with everything they had, and were almost pushed over a cliff, but Tydus really wanted those Level 1 Key Spheres the guide had promised him. So they pulled out more whoop-ass and drove the beast over the opposite ledge. "That’ll teach you to be ugly, I mean, eat chocobos!"

"Thank you so much for saving the chocobos," said Rin, who was using a bullhorn because he was on the roof hiding behind the inn’s sign.

"You’re welcome!" Yuna shouted back.

"Hey, how about you come down here so I can shake your hand!" called Wakka, "And by ‘shake your hand’ I mean ‘cut your head off with a rusty dagger!’"

"I have a restraining order, Wakka!" Rin blasted out of his bullhorn.

Wakka shrugged and started walking down the second stretch of the Mi’ihen Highroad.