Majora
Potter and the Meat Puppets of Doom!
Severe
copyright infringement ensues...
One day
during DADA at Hogwarts...
Snape is
reading a love poem about the Dark Arts to the class, while Harry and
Ron: What
the hell is that horrible THING on your face, Harry?
Ron points
a shaking finger and the most evil mask ever.
Harry: Oh,
this? It came in a mysterious, unlabeled package for my birthday, and I've worn
it ever since.
Hermione:
What, seriously? This is by far the stupidest thing you've ever done.
Harry: Not quite.
What about when I busted into the Ministry of Magic and got Sirius killed? Or
when I completely trusted that suspicious diary? Or my
relationship with Cho? Or when I cut Malfoy open like a Tauntaun!
Everyone
but Snape, who is too absorbed in his poem, stares at
Harry.
Harry: How
is it that none of you has even seen Star Wars?
Hermione:
*patting Harry's arm comfortingly* I have, Harry. I have.
Snape:
...and everyone who ever laughed at me will die a terrible, terrible death. The end. Your homework is to write a 5 page essay about how
you're all doomed, using quotes from my poem and elaborating. No, make it 6 pages, I am running low on toilet paper.
Harry: You
miserable peon! It is YOU who is doomed!
More
staring ensues.
Harry:
*shaking his head* What? I mean, what's for dinner?
In the
hallway, everyone stares at Harry on principle, but also because he is wearing
a hideous mask.
At dinner...
Ron: Why is
Colin Creevy here? I thought he got over his
obsession.
Creevy is
drooling on his macaroni potato.
Harry: Why
are you always asking questions, peon?
Ron:
*muttering* I think that mask is evil...
Because
climaxes can't happen till the end of the school year, let's fast forward to
after x-mas break...
Hermione:
Ron, Harry, I think I know what that mask is. For x-mas
my parents got me Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask for my Nintendo 64, and I couldn't help but notice the
remarkable resemblance. I also couldn't help but notice how the Deku Butler can reach the weeping
tree when I can't, but anyway, that mask is very evil.
Harry,
trailing no less than a dozen classmates from various houses, glares at
Hermione.
Hermione:
However, the moon hasn't grown a ridiculous evil face and come crashing down,
so I think Majora has something else planned...
Ron:
Because your explanation was mostly to do with something muggle-ish,
I don't get it, and you're full of waffle, Hermione.
Hermione
sighs and heads to Ancient Runes, while Harry sniggers evilly to himself.
Ron:
Hermione sure has crazy muggle ideas, eh, Harry?
Harry:
*under his breath* ...start with that damned kid and his fairy, yeah-- Hmm?
What? Right, whatever. Come, my minions.
As Harry
turns to leave, the drooling herd behind him shuffles to follow, a few of them
groaning inhumanly.
Now fast
forward again, to the end of school! Ron and Harry are heading to breakfast,
while many people, students and teaches alike,
gradually form a mob behind them.
Ron: Um,
Harry, I've been meaning to ask you, but why is Snape
following you? In fact, I don't think I know half of these people. And where is
Hermione; I haven't seen her around in a while...
Harry: The
nosey peon is probably reading or something, heh heh.
Ron: Riiiight.
Suddenly, Voldemort bursts into the Great Hall followed by many Death
Eaters! Voldemort looks like a giant bat in oversized
black robes that whip behind him in a nonexistent breeze.
Voldemort:
MUAH-HAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
Ron: Oh
snap.
Dumbledore:
Wow. Color me shocked. And it appears I've got ketchup on my beard. How embarrassing.
Harry
climbs on top of the Gryffindor table and issues his own maniacal laughter. This results in more staring.
Harry:
Rise, my Meat Puppets of Doom! Rise, and destroy all these peons who think they
can interrupt my insane British breakfast!
Because
Death Eaters abstain from Muggle culture, they are
all completely baffled by this sudden attack of zombies, and are thus quickly
overtaken and eaten.
There is a
flash of light, blinding in its gratuitous goodness, and Voldemort
is seen to have a Light Arrow protruding from his chest.
Voldemort:
OW.
Voldemort
"dies". Ha ha. His body disappears from
under his robes, Obi Wan Kenobi style.
Behind him
stands a young man with pointy ears, a green tunic, and a hyper ball of light
with wings bobbing around excitedly. He looks slightly confused.
Navi:
Hey! Listen! What the crap? One shot? How can the bad guy die in one shot?
Link
shrugs.
Harry: YOU!
Wait, you're too old, and that's not Tatl...
Navi:
Listen! And you're not the Skull Kid.
Ron: Harry,
we're going to be late for Potions...
Navi:
Hey! Hey! Who cares! Hey! Get 'im, Link!
Link nods.
He begins reaching into his tunic and pulling out various objects, including no
less than 5 Cuccos and a Big Poe. Finally, he finds
the BigGoron Sword.
Harry:
Crap.
Link hacks
through the forest of meat puppets like a weed whacker through tall grass. When
he reaches Harry, he slices him clean down the middle.
Ron: OH MY
GOD! You killed Harry!
Navi:
Hey! Listen! This was way too easy... Link, I don't think we're in NintendoLand anymore. It must have been that damned witch
and her tornado... Well, let's go take a tour of
Link turns
to leave. Ron is one of the few left alive in the middle of a bloody massacre.
Ron: I am
never going to get over this...