| DO... TALK... * Show that you see and care about the person behind the self-harm. Remember that they are still the same person you knew beforehand- try to be respectful, and to offer compasion. Talking about self-injury is essential... it won't go away just cos you pretend it doesn't exist. Removing the secrecy helps to remove the feelings of shame and isolation. It's not easy to know what to say... but just initiating discussion of the issue opens up a communication channel. Don't be afraid to explore the emotions behind it either... it's important to recognise the inner as well as the outer pain. SHOW UNDERSTANDING... * Make it clear that self-injury is ok to talk about, and can be understood. Make sure you listen, and try to show that you are interested in helping and understanding. Asking questions about it is ok... but bear in mind that it could be upsetting to talk about for both of you. Try not to push for answers, as opening up can be difficult and frightening... you don't want to make them feel uncomfortable or nervous about talking to you again. * Help them to explore their self-injury... how has it helped in the past? and now? When did it start? Think about feelings and emotions together. BE SUPPORTIVE... * Remembering that you are not to blame and so you need not feel guilty. Be open and honest about your feelings... but try to keep any judgements or negative feelings to yourself. If you feel the need to release your frustration or anger about the issue, then go to other friends. If you are going to be truly supportive, is important to put negativity aside, as it contrasts competely with the message of support you wish to give. It is understandable and perfectly natural to find it diffcult to deal with a friend or family member hurting themselves, so make sure you yourself are getting proper support. * Helping the person to find other ways of dealing with the stress. Looking for support groups, or encouraging talking with a teacher, or other adult they feel close to can be a good start. Directly encouraging a friend to see a doctor or counsellor is ok if they feel ready too, but again try not to be overly pushy. BE AVAILABLE... Most self-injurers feel isolated, and only cut when alone. The more time you spent together, the less lonely they are likely to feel. * Providing distractions, such as going for a walk with the person to help them avoid self-harming when their urges are high. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF... * YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF BEFORE YOU CAN ASSIST ANOTHER * Set limits for yourself... ask yourself how much you are able to give, and make your limits clear. Are you prepared to take crisis calls at any time of day or night? What ways are you able to be relied upon? Being consistent is important, as your friend needs to know what you can and can't offer. Establishing and maintaining boundaries is essential for the relationship, and for your own sanity. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. It may feel odd to seek help for yourself after someone comes to you with self-injury problems, but the behaviours of others can have a profound effect on us, and it is essential that you are taken care of too :) ***** ***** ***** |
| DON'T... ISSUE ULTIMATUMS... - Don't issue ultimatums to someone who self-harms; the sufferer is unlikely to stop self-harming, but rather may learn to hide their injuries better and may be less likely to seek help in the future. Telling someone to 'just stop' is condescending and cruel. SI is used as a method to releive high levels of emotional distress when other methods have failed, and it is essential that the person is still able to do this. EXPECT INSTANT PROGRESS... * Try not to see stopping self-harming as the most important goal. A person may make great progress in many ways and still need self-injury as a coping mechanism for some time. Don't lose hope if things seem to be taking a long time. Self-injury may also worsen for a while when previously buried issues or feelings are being explored, or when old ways and patterns of thinking are being changed. It takes a long time for a person to be ready to give up self-injury. Encourage them and yourself by acknowledging each small step as a major acheivement. Examples of very valuable steps may include: * Avoiding drinking if they think they are more likely to self-injure * Taking better care of injuries * Putting off hurting themselves for awhile * Reducing the severity of injuries * Reducing the frequency of harming even a little. ***** ***** ***** |
A sufferers injuries may be distressing to someone who has no first-hand experience of self-harm, But it is vital that you neither panic nor automatically assume them to be in immediate physical danger. Self-harm is serious, but is usually indicative of underlying emotional issues which will take time to work through. You can help the person by encouraging them to seek help for themselves, but many people may hurt themselves for lengthy periods of time without causing any major injury. The reasons for self-harm and the ways in which people may injure themselves also vary dramatically. |
| * Helping a Friend * |