Journal

Well I know I could have easily gone to some site that makes things like this so you can put entries in and stuff. But I don't think I'll be using this too frequently, only when I feel I don't want to talk about something but I have the need to express myself. Most recent entries will be posted at the top.



November 17, 2003 2:12 AM
Current Mood/Feeling :: In love ^^

This is probly gonna be the first positive entry I'll have made in here... Steve came over tonight and everything just went so well until i felt sick near the end but oh well... damn cake ¬¬ anyways I felt kinda chatty, and so yay that was awesome and he shaved before he came which was totally sexy XD aww Steve you drive me crazy *spins* <3



November 14, 2003 12:23 AM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Insignificant

*sigh* every where I turn there's prettier girls, and funnier ones, happier ones, more interesting ones, gah I should just crawl into a hole and die. I can't even keep my bf's attention unless he's grabbing my boob or ass or something. Gah I gotta face it, I'm boring, ugly, and everyone in their right mind should avoid me at all costs. I'd love to turn heads everywhere I go for how I look, even if it doesn't really mean anything, I'd rather be hot and boring than ugly and boring. Gah I suck, I can't keep up a conversation, I'm always feeling sorry for myself like now, I wish someone would just tell me that they loved me for who I am, and I wish someone would think that I was perfect, or at least in their eyes. Man I don't remember the last time I talked to my bf on the phone, when we get together we just make out... but that's not a bad thing -.-; but like gah I've had more intellectual conversations with Jason and I like never see or talk to him. Why does everything about me have to be so... so wrong, and messed up. Gah I dunno I feel upset because I remember how much I cared about Rain, how I would've sacrificed anything for him, we'd talk for hours about nothing and I'd never be stuck for words... I wish I could be in a situation maybe not that extreme but where I knew I ment enough to someone else, that they would drop anything for me... maybe i'm just being selfish... maybe I need to be more out going... I don't know I feel confused right now... and Kyle's upset... and he won't tell me why, I need to talk to someone, I should call someone sometime... but I hate calling ppl, I dunno why... *sigh* I want to feel loved.



September 24, 2003 7:05 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Lonely

Ok... so steve's flirty, I've known that since the beginning and I'm alright with it as long as I don't really see it all that much cuz I can get jealous pretty easily and I'm kinda an attention craver although I really don't show it. And ok Ali's flirty, she just always has been, and that's ok but when ali and steve hang out gah I feel horrible. He totally never flirts with me like that so obviously I'm gonna feel kinda weird about it, and it was in english class and they both weren't doing any work and steve was just tossing around a marker and gah, so I kinda snapped at him, I told him that if he wasn't gonna do any work than he may as well be quiet so he doesn't bother us who were trying to work. It just really bugs me cuz he's always poking here and giving her so much attention, gah I really like steve but our relationship's so casual that sometimes I wish he'd just give me some more attention sometimes ya know? maybe act like we're going out instead of just chatting once and awhile. Gah why does everyone love ali so much? ppl ignore me when I talk sometimes but every single time ali opens her mouth everyone's swarmed around waiting to hear every word, and everyone loves her and thinks she's so adorable, don't get me wrong I love ali to death, I don't want her to change at all! but I just don't understand what she's got that I don't that makes everyone like her so much more than me : ( I really like steve, but maybe he wants a girl more like ali... everyone else seems to -.-; how do I get myself into these messes ;_;



January 16, 2003 4:44 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Stressed

Wow I feel totally stressed out today, exams are coming up, I have to decide if I want to switch my courses next semester or not. I get stressed out so easily and I'm going crazy at the moment. Maybe it's because I only go out of the house to go to school. Other wise I'm inside at home and usually on the computer. It's also super stressful when I can't really talk to anyone. Like I mean I can but usually I talk to my best friend when I'm upset or down or somethin but lately she's been busy with like a zillion guys liking her and work and stuff. When we talk she's always telling me about the "soap operah" at her work and the many guys that like her and what's going on with that. I don't mind it, I find it quite funny, maybe I just need to speak up more if I need to talk to her about something. Then again sometimes I don't want to talk about things but wish I could. Oh well hope she doesn't read this -.-; doubt it. I just feel like she only talks to me because I don't talk much so I'll actually listen. Like I mean that's a good thing but I feel like when I do try to talk to her about things she changes topics back to her... maybe it's just me. I felt like crying this morning... and afternoon, I don't know why I just wished I could be care free. I take everything too seriously and I have to make sure everything works out perfectly. I gotta stop stressing about stuff like that, it's slowly breaking me down. It doesn't really help that I've been freaking out about computer science. I try to figure out the programs logically but I can never get them to work. I've felt like crying all day, I feel so stupid I can't figure out anything for myself, not in class, outside of class, with my friends, anything. I feel like a worthless piece of trash thrown aside and when ever someone walks by it seems as tho they always step on me. Why did I have to be me... why couldn't I have been born someone else, someone pretty, someone everyone liked, someone who was actually happy and was never made fun of... why do I have to be me... it crushes me inside... I'm a monster...



January 13, 2003 8:47 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Torn Appart

I want to rip out my heart and throw it away. All it ever causes me is pain and confusion. I long to be forgotten, and left alone in a corner of darkenss for ever. It's not like I would be missed at all... it's not like I make any difference to anybody now. My eyes are swelled and my face is red, I'm glad my hair's long... I can partially hide my face. I hate to cry in front of people... They always ask too many questions when all I want is to be left alone. I'm always confused, when I want something, once it comes within grasp I push it away. I'm not used to having what I desire and once it's there... I wonder if its really what I want. Why couldn't I still be that quiet loner that everyone always made fun of. Then I could pass through this world and no one would bother to spend a moment to remember.



December 31, 2002 2:00 AM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Lost

What's wrong with me... I feel confused, yet nothing's happened. I feel alone yet no one's left me. I don't understand why I always feel like crying, I feel like I have some contageous disease that's slowely eating me away from inside. Maybe if I didn't know anyone I wouldn't have so many worries, I wouldn't know emotion or how to care for another. That would be a lonely life... but maybe if I had always been alone and known nothing else I wouldn't know there was such thing as happyness or sadness so maybe it wouldn't bother me. Maybe I'm just being weird again. I want something to hold onto, so I don't keep falling back. Nothing seems reliable enough, maybe I'll be falling forever...



December 26, 2002 1:28 AM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Stressed

Well today... well yesterday I suppose was christmas. I love christmas so much but it seems like each year it loses a bit of it's novilty, I guess as a kid gifts and presents give you more of a hype than they do now. I look forward to christmas not just for the gifts... actually even if I didn't get anything for christmas I would still love it, but I like seeing family the most. Everyone's always so cheerful and happy, plus it seems that we get to see relatives less and less. Oh well, I guess these things happen then you move on and start your own family when the time comes. I can't help but wonder what other people and families did on christmas, maybe some were praying to have enough money to have a decent meal, maybe some don't even have a home. I know I tend to complain a lot, I guess i'm spoiled because I was the baby in the family but man... I am so lucky to live the way I do. My parents and my brothers love me so much, their always there and always will be. We have a nice house, a lot of luxuries that I guess we've just taken for granted after all these years.
To boot all these thoughts running through my head, now our fridge broke down. Our oven was needing desperately to be replaced and now my dad doesn't think we will be able to because we need to get a new fridge now. This is so stressful because our oven... oh god it's so stupid, it's gone through an unbeleiveable amount of fuses in the last few months, and the door won't stay open, it falls to the ground and it really hurts my mom's knee and finger which she has problems with. Now she's really upset because we can't get a new oven, I wish I could help her... maybe I should get a job, help pay to replace some of our old things. Last time I mentioned getting a job I don't think my parents really cared for the idea. Well I guess we'll see, my dad was trying to see if he could do anything about the fridge but I have a feeling he didn't. I'll keep you posted.



December 22,2002 11:58 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: I want to cry

Wow, well I still feel kinda selfish but I feel less guilty about it. The guy I like, and my best friend they always talk and stuff, I don't mind but like it seems like every time they talk they joke about orgies or something. Like I mean ok, it's kinda funny but it keeps happening. My friend's been trying to get us to go out for like 2 months now and we both like eachother but like why do they always joke about that kinda thing... just kinda bothers me. I kinda stopped talking to him, don't really know what to say, he started giving me compliments, he probably sensed I was kinda upset but oh well. The reason it's bothering me is because I'm still scared I'm going to lose him to one of my friends, even if my friends wouldn't do that, it doesn't stop the fact that he could fall for one of them. Maybe I'm just being silly but I don't know... something about that just doesn't make sense to me.



December 14,2002 11:06 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: mixed emotions

I feel silly right now, I have nothing to be upset about but it feels like everything that happened last time anything happened between me and a guy is happening again? I know it isn't but it feels like it, the same worry, the same thoughts, feelings of jealousy and longing. Like I mean it's hard to explain but it feels like the guy I like is talking to like all my friends and always telling me bout what they were talking about and I dunno, almost seems like he has more fun talking to them than with me. I shouldn't feel like that because I know I can trust my friends and him too but it still feels weird. Probably just my paranoia about Chad coming back. Scared that he'll add all my friends and become closer to them than to me. I know this must sound really selfish but I don't know what to do, it's not like I want him to only talk to me and have no other friends, that's just retarded. Maybe I'm too posessive, gah I wish I didn't get so jealouse, every time I hear him laugh it's just like... what does she have to make him smile that I don't... I don't know anymore, I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see what happens...



November 4,2002 6:52 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: emotionless

I keep feeling like I'm chasing my emotions in circles. No matter what way I try to follow them they bring me falling back to the start. Every single time I think I'm getting over that feeling that holds me to you, I realize I care for you more than ever. I've come to realize no one reads this so I'm going to be a little more open... or so I hope. Maybe a dieing soul who comes across this will start to begin to realize how fucked up of a kid I really am. There's this guy Rain... you better not be reading this, I'd be mortified. x_x ever since I started talking to him I've known that there was something that pulled me towards him. We're nothing more than friends... never will be anything more. At one time I could make him smile, now I rarely even say hello. I can just tell that if I try to start a conversation it won't turn out how I wish it would. I went through a bunch of old saved conversations with him and old e-mails he sent me. I realized I totally missed my chance with anything more with him... even then I doubt he would have let me into his life completely. I don't know what's holding me back. I still sometimes get all tingly when I hear "Rain" and when I see him online... but I know he doesn't... or for all I know could never feel that way for me. He has other girls he has feelings for. Mainly one or so it seems. I know we will never be as close as we once were no matter how good of friends we become again, I think he's thinking about killing himself. I don't know what I would do if he did that. Probably become even more andi social than I already am. I sound obsessed, but for once I found someone that I didn't have to completely explain how I feel to... he just kinda knew. Maybe I can find someone else like him... but then again... if I did I might have to go through all this again. maybe I don't like him... but I always have an urge to see him smile... I don't know, I would give everything to see him again... I have a feeling I never will.



October 15,2002 4:59 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Suffocation, longing, desperation

It was the weirdest feeling... this afternoon in class it felt like I was gagging or something, like I was shaking uncontrolably, and curled up on the floor but I wasn't. I don't know why but I feel like crying, I have lots of friends and they're awesome but deep down I still feel empty. There's still something missing and I don't know what it is. Today I feel like hiding, I just want to curl up in a corner and never be seen. I want to curl up as tight as I can so I have troubles breathing. That usually makes me cry, and usually that helps me feel better in a few days. I don't like pain, but I like to confine myself into corners, not specifically small spaces, but as long as it's narrow. I really need a hug, but I don't know how to justify it, I don't want anyone to know I'm upset, although I'm sure some of my friends have noticed. All I want is to be a better writer... drawer, and a lot better musician. I have failed in being a musician, what I had was not good enough so I have stopped practicing. I just wish everyone could forget they even knew me, it would be a lot easier for them and me if I was forgotten.



October 9,2002 7:57 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Emberassed

I feel like I'm wasting my potential. It's like their's two sides to me, one who's polite, deticated to work, an inspiration and happy. The other side is silly and lately it feels like it has been comming out of me more than the other. People who don't know me probably think I'm super quiet and smart, but if they see me around my friends they probably think i'm partially retarded. I don't know what to do, if I try to be less silly then it's not really me, I'm so confused, maybe I'm just not used to the real me... I've hidden it for so long.



August 23,2002 4:06 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Un-noticed

I actually don't have much to say, I'm just feeling lonely, like everyone forgets I'm here. My best friend is away and basically everyone else is always somewhere else. I feel like talking to someone... but no one's here... I don't mean to sound stupid but i really need a hug.



July 28,2002 2:32 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Hatred

As if my soul has been separated from my body, I swirl in circles around myself. Sitting silently on the ground all alone, surrounded by darkness. This is where my true self lies, hidden away from sneering eyes. I can’t stand to watch everyone around me any more. Everyone’s so corrupted... even me. Our minds have been rotted away by everyone who’s supposed to guide us, be our role models, the ones who set the way. Life is exhausting for me... or so it seems. I feel like I’m fighting a battle each day, and every minute it becomes harder. It’s like I’m swimming against the current, trying to go the opposite way than everyone else. I can sense that everyone is going towards the darkness. To be swallowed up, blinded, and soon they’ll become the leaders who guide us to our impurity, our darkness... our death. Tears stain my cheeks as more and more of the ones like me are giving in. Giving into the darkness, but I still fight my way through; I know the horror which lies the other way. I’ve lived it my whole life and can’t bare it any longer. I only wish I had a single hand to guide me... but even it has been corrupted too.



June 27,2002 6:05 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Forgotten

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I want to blurt out how I feel but I'm frightened I will push my friends away with my emotions. I want to cry but the tears won't come. Torn appart inside, left as an empty shell of my former self, yet nothing's happened to me. More and more each day I wish there were less crouds, not that I'm scared of them or that I'm trying to be odd, but they just make everything worse. Ignorance... why are so many people blind to what the world is really like. They throw everything away and still have everything given to them. Others work so hard for the smallest things and never get any free bees. I want to cry. I feel my tears inside, yet I fear bearing them. Questions will be asked and I will be forced to answer, last time my mom wanted to take me to a shrink and get me 'happy pills'. That made me cry more. The fact that my body, my emotions, myself... would have to rely on a pill to make me smile. Questions seem to make it worse, it makes me think and thinking makes me upset. Sometimes I wonder how well people actually know me. On the outside I usually show an innocent carefree happy go lucky me. If they could only feel what I feel, see what I see. I see the world as beautiful, nature is blissful. Society and people... I just wish I could get away from people. I love people, yet I hate them. The one person I've found that's like me... I'm scared to show that I care for them. I don't want to get involved. I'm scared to trust... but I want to. Pain... emotionally... is the worst thing for me. I take everything to heart and it tears me appart. Fear has gotten the best of me. I wish i could defeat it, I keep trying but my emotions take over and I try to hide what I really am. The fear of being totally alone shall control my life. I wish I had someone to hold... someone for the rest of my life to trust... then again, that's why I'm so scared, at 16 it's hard for something to last for the rest of your life... I'm scared of regection, yet I long to love.



May 4, 2002 3:08 PM
Current Mood/Feeling :: Weak

Last night I went to the hospital. My asthma started acting up because a cold I got this last week and I don't even remember the last time it was that bad. Every time I would go to lay down and rest my airways would constrict like 100 times more. I felt like I was breathing through 3 small straws, and it didn't help my nose was plugged. My parents wanted me to go to the hospital but I figured why bother, either they won't be able to do anything or I'll feel better by the time I got there.... big mistake.
12:00am...I'm in the hospital waiting room. I finally gave up and asked my parents to take me in. I started to get scared I'd wake up with an asthma attack and suffocate to death. Finally by 1:00am the doctor saw me. He gave me tylenol and prenizone(sp?). But I was still having trouble breathing. He gave me a face mask... I'd never had one before and it was kind of scary. This mask that I had on was hooked up to oxygen and then they poured some liquid stuff in it. It's basically like an inhaler but in liquid form... and a lot more of it. So when the oxygen when through it it vapourized the liquid into a mist thing and basically that's wut i was breathing in. I eventually had to have 3 of those one after another... which took like an hour. It scared me so much, on both my hands half my hand went numb, I started to get really shakey, and my heart rated increased beyond beleif considering I was just sitting there. The doctor told me these were normal side effects which was... partially reassuring.
After waiting for another half hour to see if I might need another one, the doctor told me I could go home. At this time it was 3:30 am and I hadn't eaten anything since lunch. My parents took me to Perkins which helped me feel better.
Today I still feel shaky and weird, it really scared me even though it doesn't sound like much. I didn't really want to tell anyone but I had to get it off my chest some how, so don't make a big deal out of it.