Bittersweet Goodbye

**Listen to NSYNC's 'If Only Through Heaven's Eyes' for effect. =) **

He stood there, as though he was alone even though he wasn't, with a single white rose in his hand, the only white rose there. Everyone else had brought other flowers creating a mosaic of colors, but his the only white rose. There were a few people there at the closed off funeral. A few family members, friends, him, and his four friends stood there listening to the preacher. Tear stains on his cheeks from crying. She had shown him that hope and dreams should never die till It finally got to her. It finally killed her. No, murdered her and slowly too. Sadness filled his baby blue eyes as another wave of tears hit his face. He drowned out the preacher as he remembered seeing her face for the first time.

*FLASHBACK*

"Hey guys!" Shouts *NSYNC's manager as he enters their bus. They stop playing Nintendo and look towards him. He has a cassette tape in his hand. "I know you guys like reading fan stuff, just not the usual stuff. You know... stuff that's different." The guys shake their heads in agreement. "Well this is different. I thought you might want to watch this." He turns of the game system as the guys wait patiently for him to put it in and press play. Their manager steps back and the video starts. The screen is fuzzy at first, then a picture comes in clearly. It is of a girl about 17 with bright navy blue eyes that just sparkled with life, bright, wavy red hair that fell to her back, and a big smile. She was dressed in an emerald green dress standing next to a man about 20 with a normal tee-shirt and jeans on. The guys' eyes open wide.
"For those of you watching this, my name's Jenna Raven O' Neil. I turned 17 on October 5, 1998. This is what I used to look like. The picture was taken right before my Junior Prom, during May of 1999. The guy standing with me? My 20 year old brother, Eric. Then, people said that I was always full of life and a true one of a kind. Honestly, I don't think I've changed much, well I have changed appearance wise." The picture is taken out of the camera's view to reveal, the same girl, the same bright green eyes, just all her hair had fallen out. She is sitting in a chair. "I'm pretty much the same, just well chemotherapy kinda got to me like it gets to everyone I guess. Wait, I bet you're wondering where that came from, huh? Well, I'll tell you.
"I have cancer. Yeah, that's right. Cancer. And no, I'm not sending this video for pity. Honestly? I hate pity. It makes me sick to my stomach. Okay, so you're probably wondering why I sent this. I'll tell you. Now, I doubt that *NSYNC will ever get this. I mean get real. This is one of thousands of videos, but I bet someone is watching this. For the person who is watching, tell the guys that their music changed my life. More specifically, the song 'Sailing'. You probably want to know the story too. Am I right? Well…
"Ever since I was little, my dad, he would take me out sailing on the weekends. He had a gorgeous 15-foot sloop, a sailboat, that we would always go out on. Here's a picture." Smiling, she holds up a photograph of a white, 15-ft sailboat with the words 'Aqua Star' written on the side. "I always loved these weekends. I lived for them. When I found out I had cancer, I almost lost myself. I had lost my hope, my faith and my dreams. That is, until I heard *NSYNC's song 'Sailing'. It reminded me of these trips, how carefree they were, and got me to change my perspective on a lot of things. I turned everything around. I got my life back, or a least what's left of it. Everyday I hope that my cancer goes into remission. Who knows? Maybe by the time anyone sees this, it will be gone or worse, I will be. But anyway, tell them I said thanks. Because without that song, I probably would have died a few months ago." The guys are just in awe at the video. Justin is the first to come out.
"Maybe we should go see her. That was, well, it was different. We probably should tell her we saw her video and that we were in awe of how much our music meant to her."
"Yeah" says the rest of the guys.
"Well if you really want to. I'll find out where she is and make arrangements." Says their manager before heading out of the bus.
"That was sad. I can't believe what we do, effected someone so much." Says JC.
"Yeah." Says Justin who was amazed at the spirit that girl just seemed to exude and the feeling that he wanted to get to know her. She was definitely different and he was looking forward to meeting her.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

Cancer. That was Jenna's murderer. He just wished it hadn't happened to someone as full of life, energy, hope, and faith as her. That's what he would probably miss most about her. Just looking in her eyes and seeing them full of hope that maybe her ordeal was over. He remembered talking to his friends about going out to see her, maybe help her out, give her hope. What he didn't know at the time, was that she'd help him. He remembered the look on her face when they first walked through the hospital door into her room.

*FLASHBACK*

They walked up to the front desk. When the secretary looked up, shock registered on her face. "Um…um…how may I help you boys today?" She stutters.
"We're looking for a Miss Jenna Raven O'Neil. We were told that she was here." Says Chris stepping up to confront the 17 year old secretary and apparently a fan of *NSYNC.
"Okay. Fourth floor, room 426." She says still in shock.
"Thank you miss." Calls JC over his shoulder as they head for the elevators.
****
They arrived at the fourth floor and followed the signs until they reached room 426. The guy from the picture was standing out the door looking at his feet. He looks up at the sound of footsteps and his eyes go wide. He motions for some one in the room to come out and two adults come out with shock immediately registering on their faces. Justin speaks up first.
"Um, hi. We're looking for a Miss Jenna O'Neil. We were told she was in room 426."
"Uh, yeah. I'm Eric O'Neil. Jenna's brother. I helped her make the tape. I'm assuming that's why you are here?"
"Yeah. We wanted to see her. We saw her on the video and felt like we should come and meet her. That is okay, right?"
"Sure. She would love to meet you guys." Says Jenna's Mom still fairly shocked.
"Jenna, sweetie. You have visitors." Jenna's Dad says, then motions for them to come in. They first notice all the flowers and cards everywhere before noticing the person in the hospital bed. She recognizes them and smiles.
"Never in my wildest imagination would I have expected for you guys to come, much less see that tape." Jenna says. "Well don't just stand there. I'm sure you didn't travel all this way to just stand there. Can I have a hug?" She says sitting up, being careful to not mess with the tubes and needles in her. The cautiously approach her and give her a hug, each amazed at her openness and friendliness towards them.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

She did so much for him. Showed him that even when you get as big as he was, you still have to remember the little things. That was something he seemed to keep forgetting.

*FLASHBACK*

"Thanks Justin for bringing me to this park. It's been a while since I've been able to come. I've always been busy either catching up in school or dealing with chemotherapy." She says as he gets a blanket and a picnic basket from the car.
"You're welcome. It's nice to take a break from all the chaos of the music industry. Sometimes I feel lost." He says as he spreads out the blanket under a tall willow tree. "There are so many things that take my time now. I never have time to do anything anymore. My career mostly. And here I go. You should probably be the one talking and here I am complaining."
"No, it's okay. How many times must I remind you people that I'm a great listener when I need to be. Continue if you want." She says as he brings out the food.
"You sure?" She nods. "Well everything seems to be so huge. Everything I do just seems to be escalated higher than it actually is. And that is usually done by the media mostly. Everything I do is so huge and can make a huge impact on my career if I don't handle it right or if the public relations people don't handle it right." She around and finally spots a dark blue butterfly. She holds out her hand and the butterfly gracefully flies towards her, gently landing on her pointer finger. It's delicate wings flash in the sunlight with all their innocent glory. The sun reflects off the brilliant blue wings as though the wings are made of the most unique blue-ish metal.
"See this butterfly? How small and insignificant it is? That's what everyone seems to think. But in reality, it's not. This butterfly and all it's hundreds of friends can create our spring. This little creature is responsible for the thousands of flowers that come in bloom every spring."
"I don't get it." She shakes her head, smiling.
"You and that butterfly start at opposite ends of the scale. You're a big famous celeb and it is a small, unnoticed creature. And yet you both create the same impact on our world. By the way you talk, you've forgotten that little things can make a big difference. Justin, you need to remember that. That when you do feel lost, look at the butterfly and remember that the small things in life are sometimes what makes life worth it. And that sometimes all you need to find your way again, are the small things." He ponders this for a moment then nods his head in understanding. Jenna smiles before lifting up her hand and letting the butterfly fly away into the noonday sun.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

He also remembered one thing with regret. The day they announced that her cancer was out of remission and she didn't have much longer. He was right there by her side, yet she never accepted pity. He smiled as he remembered him feeling sorry for her, and Jenna knocking the thought out of his head…literally.

*FLASHBACK*

The guys had just arrived to spend a couple of hours with Jenna before they had to go to practice when the doctor came into the room. "Excuse me, could I speak with Mr. and Mrs. Samuel O'Neil, Mr. Eric O'Neil, and Miss Jenna O'Neil alone, please?" The guys and Justin give the doctor a questioning look, but leave. They wait outside of the room for the doctor to talk with the family. After about fifteen minutes the doctor finally comes out with a sullen look on his face and Eric with a sad and in turmoil look on his face. The guys worry and Justin won't bring himself to fear the worst.
"Guys, you can come in." They file in the room to see Jenna's parents with tearstained faces and Jenna trying to console them. She looks over at them.
"Mom, Dad, Eric, Can I talk with the guys alone please?" They nod and leave. "Hi."
"What happened? What did he say?" Says Justin worried.
"Justin, guys. You might wanna sit down. My parents didn't take the news too well. You guys probably won't take it much better." They sit.
"Okay, so what's wrong."
"Justin, it's the cancer. It's back, but this time it's not going to go away. The doctors give me four weeks, more or less." She says with tears filling up in her eyes. The guys just stare in shock. Tears fill their eyes as well.
"Oh, I'm so sorry." She gives him a look.
"Justin, you know how I feel about pity." She says right before she hits him on the side of the head, causing Justin to groan and the other guys to smile. Which causes her to smile ever so slightly.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

She always had a positive outlook on life. She never let her disease bring her down and instead of moping around when she got the news, she made him and his friends take her to Disney 'cause she never been. That day, he almost forgot about the Cancer that plagued this bright, cheerful girl.

*FLASHBACK*

"Oh, come on. One more! Please!?" Asks Jenna smiling. They had ridden the rides all day. Some more than once. They still couldn't believe this colorful girl had a dark cloud hanging over her. It was late and the guys, although usually full of energy, were tired.
"Jenna. We've been riding rides all day. It's late. Can we go home?" Pleads Justin.
"Oh, okay." She says sadly and sullenly. The guys hate seeing her like this and quickly give in.
"Oh, okay. One more." Says JC.
"Yes!" She says jumping up and down. The guys just smile, laugh, and are happy that her mind, if only for a little while, is off the disease.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

He was there when she took her last breath. He had left to go back on tour, but as soon as she got worse, they stopped the tour and headed out to where she was. He was there. He could still remember painfully clear his last moment with her.

*FLASHBACK*

They had left to continue their tour. They were in the middle of a sound check when they heard a cell phone go off. Justin and the rest of them rushed to see which phone is ringing. Justin picks his up, then yells to everyone else that it is his.
"Hello."
"Justin, it's Eric. Something happened with Jenna. Her heart quit, but they got it beating again. She is in stable condition for now." Eric's voice is choked up and the words come painfully for him.
"Oh my gosh. She's going to be okay though, right?" Says Justin stuttering.
"I don't know. I really don't know. Our parents are falling apart with worry. I scared for my sister. They don't know how much longer she's got, but they know it's not too much longer. A day or two at most. Justin, if you want to see her again before…well…I can't bring myself to say it…come quickly." Justin face goes pale and the rest of the guys rush to his side wondering what is wrong.
"We'll be there as soon as we can. Thank you for telling me. Bye, Eric." Says Justin trying to compose himself. He hangs up and lets his hand lose. The cell falls to the floor with a thud. Justin falls to the ground and sits, head between hands and cries. The guys worry. Justin eventually calms enough to tell them the news. They agree with him that they should leave that night right after the concert.
****
They had gotten there the night before. He had never left her side since then. Now he was absorbed in thought. A low voice calls him out of his trance.
"Justin?" She says quietly and drawn out.
"I'm here. Everyone is outside."
"Call them in, please?" She says ever so slowly and quietly. He does so and everyone groups around her. "Thank you for being there for me. Mom, Dad, Eric. Lance, Chris, JC, Joey. It was very kind of you to come out and visit me. Justin, when I'm gone don't forget that sometimes it's the small things that mean the most." She says slowly, word by word.
"No, Jenna. Don't talk like this." Says Justin. Everyone else nods in agreement.
"It's my time." She states simply and slowly. "Just remember the butterflies Justin. Remember the butterflies." She says word by word, losing energy with each breath.
"No, Don't go."
"I must. It's my time. I can feel it." She says even slower than before before finally closing her eyes. Justin holds her pale hand in his. After about a minute her breathing slows then quickens, right before finally stopping. Her hand goes limp in his as the heart monitors beep smoothes out into a single continuous one. They are pushed out as the doctors rush in. After a while, a doctor comes out and delivers the message. Her parents break into tears, not able to speak. Eric just sits on a chair, crying. Justin and the rest of the guys go into shock. Jenna Raven O'Neil had passed.

*ENDFLASHBACK*

For him, it was a bittersweet goodbye. She was off in a better place where her cancer no longer plagued her, yet he still felt as though his heart was being wrenched from his chest.
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." Says the preacher. He dries the fresh tears from his face as the preacher finally finishes the service. He gets up with everyone else, him, last in line. Everyone puts a flower on her coffin as they say their final good-byes. He places the sweet smelling white rose delicately on, pausing for a moment. It finally sets in that she is really gone. Justin heads up to the front as JC snaps off. They begin to sing.

I never thought you were a fair-weather friend
You never let me down, you're true to the end
You're in the darkest hour, when all was lost
Somehow you left the light on
You faced the wrong and showed the world a thing or two
Stood up for me, for you
And you should know

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through heaven's eyes

I still remember the things that you said
I keep your words alive I could never forget
Cause in the final hour you made me proud
So proud that I could know you
You told the world its time that they believed in you
You stood for right and truth
And you should know

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through heaven's eyes

Only through heaven's eyes ...

And so we can't forget
We've got to keep remembering them all
The ones who took the fall
They did it for us all
And we should learn from it
Stand up if you believe in it
You've got to face the world ... be strong

Some say it wasn't worth the things we went through
I say it ain't worth losing you
I hope you know how much you've changed all our lives
Someday you'll see if only through heaven's eyes
(repeat)

"If Only Through Heaven's Eyes" as sung by NSYNC

To her, he was a friend. To him, she was a teacher. A free spirit. Someone he would never forget. She was an angel. His angel. And now? Now she was a real angel. He knew that she would always watch out for him, her friends and family from where she was. He knew she'd always be there for him in spirit; reminding him of the good in life, the bad in life, and the butterflies. The song they sang for her seemed to fit just right. Justin figured that this was what bittersweet good-byes were like. Sad yet light. When the crowd was gone, his friends gave him a moment to say goodbye to their great friend. He doubted he would ever find some one like her ever in his life. He reads the intricately lettered and designed headstone, tears welling up in his baby blue eyes.

Jenna Raven O' Neil
October 5, 1981
To
April 23, 2000
Though gone from our world,
She shall never be gone from our hearts.
Remember her spirit and her love for life,
For she was one of a kind.

"Justin? We have to go." Calls Lance. Justin nods, blows a kiss to his departed friend and teacher. He starts to walk away, but turns around for one last look. A butterfly had perched itself upon the top of her marble tombstone. It was a blue one, exactly like the one she had shown him. It looked to him like the fragile creature had come to say goodbye as well. It sat there, wings flipping ever so gently in the warm sunlight before flying off in the daylight. It spelled out in invisible letters a lesson in life. He watched the butterfly as it flew farther and farther out of his sight. When it was just a spec, he turns back around, finishes his journey, and climbs into the limo. Then the car drives away with water welling up in Justin's eyes and a slight, grief striken smile on his face. There would never be another.


Author Dedication: This goes out to all those that have free spirits, are teachers in thier own right, people who never let anything bring them down, to those who stop and smell the flowers, to those who appriciate the smallest butterfly, and to all those who are battling cancer. My love, hope, and my heart goes out to you all.
Love Ice

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