Circle of Love-5

by Kathleen

RATING: "PG" [There is no "NC-17" version of this chapter.]

CHAPTER 5 -- Sweet Dreams, My Angels

Thursday, December 7, 2000

Kanga's Kradle -- Noon

Brenda was lost in thought. She had been staring at the same page of the quarterly report to the Board of Directors of the hospital for twenty minutes. She threw the report onto the desk and put her head in her hands. It had been a rough week and the rougher ones were still to come. Brenda sighed as she thought about last Wednesday which marked the fifth anniversary of Stone's death. She had spent part of the day with Robin. They had walked to the bridge and Brenda had just listened while Robin talked about Stone. It had been the only time in the past two weeks that the dread of Christmas Eve had not been the main focus of Brenda's thoughts.

Brenda stared at the photo of Jimmy Martin sitting in the frame on her desk. The picture had been taken at Jimmy's sixth birthday party, about six months prior his death, before his heart problems had waged their final battle against him. Brenda picked up the picture frame and a sob caught in her throat. She remembered that Jimmy had given her the photo last Thanksgiving after he had learned that Brenda's son would share his given name. When he had given her the gift, Jimmy had boldly told Brenda that he wanted to ensure that she would always remember the first James Christopher in her life.

Brenda put the picture frame down on the desk and grabbed a tissue to dry the tears rolling down her cheeks. It was still unreal that she had lost both of the James Christophers in her life in a span of less than five months. It had been six months since Jimmy's death and three years since she had first met him in the pediatric unit of General Hospital. Brenda wondered how Susan Martin was handling the approaching holiday and how she would face the first Christmas without her son. She had not seen Susan since the ceremony at the General Hospital branch of Kanga's Kradle when the facility was dedicated to Jimmy's memory. Any family who would ever be helped by Kanga's Kradle would know of the child behind its creation.

Brenda took a deep breath. The ache in the pit of stomach resurfaced. It was common now with the holidays just a few weeks away. The sounds and sights of the Christmas season were all around. Every time Jillian saw a commercial on television for a new toy, she would come running to tell Brenda that she wanted Santa Claus to bring it to her. When Jillian was with Brooke, it was a tag team effort by the girls and both Lois and Brenda were told to ensure that the toy was added to the list for Santa Claus. Brenda had avoided any holiday preparation and the shopping malls thus far but she and Lois had promised to take Brooke and Jillian to see Santa Claus over the weekend. Christmas was coming and there was nothing anyone could do to stop it.

Brenda rubbed her temples as a knock was heard at the door. "Come in."

Robin walked in carrying a large envelope. "Hey."

Brenda blew her nose. "Hello. I am sorry, I have lost all track of time. I can't believe it is lunch time already."

Robin put the envelope on the desk. "No problem. I ran into Simone in the lab and she asked that I bring you these reports."

Brenda brushed away a curl from her face. "Thanks. I need to include them in the presentation to the Board for next week's meeting."

Robin sat down in the chair in front of Brenda's desk. "Are you okay?"

Brenda nodded. "It's just one of those days."

Robin took a deep breath. "Is there anything I can do to help you? You were there for me last week about Stone and I want to be there for you now."

Brenda let out a ragged sigh. "How do you get through these anniversaries? How do they not just eat you alive?"

Robin sighed in return. "I don't think there is an answer to that. All I can tell you is that the first one is the worst and that I think it would be easier for both you and Jax if you could really share it together."

Brenda closed her eyes for a moment. "Jax."

"What about Jax?"

Brenda shook her head. "I think he is really hurting but he is not sharing it with me."

Robin leaned back in her chair. "Why do you think so?"

"He is just not himself right now. He is also having trouble sleeping and I don't think he realizes that I know that. Even in my sleep, I know the moment he gets out of bed and the past three nights, he has been walking the floors. I remember when I did that when I was having the nightmares. I am afraid that he is trying to protect me from all of it."

Robin nodded. "That sounds like Jax."

Brenda agreed. "Yes, but I can't let him do that. I can't let him sacrifice himself for me."

Robin spoke quietly. "Have you talked to him about it?"

Brenda slowly exhaled. "Not successfully. I brought it up last night and he told me that there was nothing to worry about. Melanie has agreed with me that now is not the time to push him. Jax and I have a session with her next week so I think it is best if we address it there."

"I know things are so tough right now for the both of you. And I know how much you don't want your grief to affect Jillian's holiday."

Brenda nodded. "This is Jillian's first Christmas that she really understands what is going on. The only thing that I am thankful for about last Christmas is that Jillian was too young to really know what was happening. She has no idea that Christmas was non-existent. Whatever happens, I can't let anything take away from this day for her. I don't exactly know how I am going to do this, but I have to. She will feel nothing but joy and happiness. I owe her that much."

Robin leaned across the desk and patted Brenda's hand. "I know it will be a wonderful day for her. I have no doubt that you and Jax will accomplish that." Robin looked right at Brenda. "How is she?"

Brenda smiled for the first time all morning. "Frenzied and excited and hyper all rolled into one. Between she and Brooke, I do not know which one is worse."

Robin grinned. "Why does that not surprise me?"

Brenda nodded. "I know, she is her Mother's daughter. Jax has threatened to have a plaque engraved with that quote and have it mounted to the front door so that everyone enters the house at their own risk."

Robin laughed. "I will have to ask her what she wants for a gift."

Brenda rolled her eyes. "Be prepared to take notes for hours. These toy companies and their advertising during children's television programs will be the end of me."

Robin got serious again. "You know, I could help you out. You could make up some lists and I can do your shopping and I am sure between Emily, Lois, Ruby and I that we could get a few decorations put up. You would not have to worry about anything."

"Robin, thank you. You sound just like Jax. I really appreciate it but I have to start facing this. Christmas is coming. I can't stop it so I am just going to have to get through it."

Robin nodded. "I understand. If you change your mind or need any kind of help, please promise that you will let me know."

Brenda smiled. "I will. I promise."

"Good. Brenda, I know you and Jax are going to get through this. You have each other and that will make each of you so much stronger. Together, you will be able to deal with all of it. I have never been surer of anything."

Brenda sighed. "Thank you. Thank you for everything. We are going to need all the help we can get."

The Jacks Residence -- 8:00pm

Brenda took Jillian's hand as they walked down the stairs. Jillian had just had her bath and was dressed for bed.

"Mommy, will Daddy be home soon?"

Brenda nodded as they entered the den. "Yes, Daddy's meeting should have ended a little while ago so he will be home any minute now."

Jillian smiled. "Goodie. Then he can read me a story."

Brenda lifted Jillian into her lap as they sat on the couch. "Yes, Daddy said he would be home in time to read you a story."

Jillian heard the sound of the front door open. "I hear Daddy."

Jillian scooted off of Brenda's lap and ran into the hallway and met Jax. "Daddy!"

Jax lifted her up into the air. "Hello Princess. What did you do today?"

"I went to see Emily with Brooke. We helped Emily take Annabelle and Raoul for a walk. I love the doggies so much. They are so cute and so soft to hug."

Jax smiled. "I know how much you love the doggies. I see you have had your bath."

Jillian nodded her head up and down. "Yes, Mommy got me all ready for my story."

"Good. We will read one when we go upstairs for bed." Jax walked into the den with Jillian and smiled at Brenda. "Hey sweetie."

Brenda returned his smile. "Hello honey. How did it go?"

Jax and Jillian sat down next to Brenda on the couch. "I think progress has been made. Dad will be in town at the end of next week so hopefully we can tie things up then. How was your day?"

Brenda stroked Jillian's hair. "It was okay. Robin came by for lunch and then Gina and I started making plans with Audrey for the party for the pediatric unit."

Jillian clapped her hands together. "Can I go to the party?"

Brenda laughed. "Yes, you can go to the party."

Jillian smiled. "Emily told Brooke and I that Doctor Alan reads a story."

Brenda nodded. "Yes, Doctor Alan will read a story."

Jillian's eyes widened. "Will Santa be there?"

Jax grinned at her. "Yes, Santa will be there."

Jillian sighed happily. "Daddy, I am going to see Santa Claus in two days. Brooke is coming with us. We have to tell him what we want for Christmas."

"Are you ready with your list?"

Jillian bobbed her head up and down. "Yes Daddy. I know just what I want. It is almost Christmas time."

Jax watched Brenda out of the corner of his eye as she wrapped her arms tightly around herself. "Yes it is Princess."

Jillian was beaming. "And then we can get a big Christmas tree and put pretty lights on it and a star at the top."

Brenda took a deep breath and spoke. "Yes, we will get a Christmas tree."

"And stockings so Santa can put my presents in there?"

Brenda saw Jax's jaw tighten. "Yes, there will be stockings too."

Jillian looked up at Jax. "Daddy, I want you to read one of my Christmas stories. I know, The Christmas Mouse. That is the story I want."

Jax found his voice. "Okay. We will read that story."

Brenda forced a smile. "Are you ready to go upstairs?"

Jillian picked up Roo-Roo from the coffee table. "Yes, Roo-Roo and I are ready."

Jax stood up. "Then let's go Princess and give Mommy a few minutes of quiet. She will come up in a little while to say good night."

Brenda's eyes showed a look of confusion but she did not protest. She then hugged Jillian. "I will be up in a few minutes to kiss you good night."

Jillian waved. "Okay Mommy."

Jillian grabbed Jax's hand and they walked out of the den and headed upstairs to Jillian's room.

Brenda took one of the throw pillows from the sofa and held it tightly against her stomach. She had seen the trademark clenched jaw from Jax which was a telltale sign of his anger and pain. She also knew that Jax was trying to protect her again. She was guilty of the same thing last week when she had been plagued by the old nightmares about Jamie. It was the night of the anniversary of Stone's death. When Jax had asked her about the nightmares, she lied and said she had been dreaming about Stone's last days. Brenda sighed softly. They definitely had a lot to discuss in their next session with Melanie.

Fifteen minutes later, Brenda joined Jax and Jillian in Jillian's bedroom. Jax and Brenda kissed and hugged her good night and she waved back at them and blew kisses as Jax turned out her light. Jax and Brenda left the bedroom and walked back down the steps.

Brenda turned to him as they reached the foyer. "Are you hungry?"

Jax shook his head. No. Did you eat?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes, Jillian and I ate together. I can sit with you though. Jose left a plate."

"I'm fine thanks."

Brenda stroked his jawline. "Jax, are you all right?"

Jax took her hand from his face and kissed it. "Yes, but it has been a long day and I have a briefcase full of financial reports to look over tonight."

"Are you sure?"

Jax kissed her hand again. "Yes, I am sure."

Brenda took a deep breath. "Okay, I guess I had better let you start working. If you change your mind about dinner, just call me."

"I will. Why don't you go relax in a nice hot bath."

"Maybe later. I think I had better start making up shopping lists since Lois and I are heading to the mall on Saturday. These gifts are not going to get bought by themselves."

Jax looked down at her. "They can with a phone call. I am also sure that Robin or Julia would take Jillian on Saturday with Brooke. Or I can take her."

Brenda exhaled slowly. "Jax, I have to face this. We have to face this."

There was an edge to Jax's voice. "I know that but it does not mean that you have to intentionally immerse yourself into everything between this house and the hospital party. You do not have to set yourself up to experience anymore pain. You have friends and family who have offered to help."

Brenda's voice became raised. "No!" Brenda closed her eyes for a moment. "I am sorry."

Jax shook his head. "So am I."

Brenda swallowed to force the lump back down her throat. "I will not allow anything to spoil this day for Jillian, I can't." Brenda realized that she was trembling. "I promised myself..."

Jax took Brenda into his arms. "I know what this means to you. Nothing is going to spoil this day for Jillian. But the bottom line is that all Jillian really needs is us. Without her Mommy, nothing else would matter to her. I don't want you inflicting so much pain on yourself that you have to suffer through the day."

Brenda stepped slightly away from his embrace. "Believe me, I understand what you are saying. But we can't avoid the pain Jax, we know that. And we can't protect each other from it."

"I know but right now that does not make it any easier."

Brenda put her arms around Jax's neck. "No it doesn't."

Jax rested his chin on top of her head. "I hate this."

Brenda sighed. "So do, I but we don't have a lot of choice."

Jax released her from his embrace. "No we don't."

Brenda took his hand in hers. "So for now, I think we just need to do what we have to do. You have work to do and so do I."

Jax kissed her on the forehead. "You are right. I had better start moving or the next thing I know, Jillian will be down here for breakfast."

Brenda nodded. "That is true. I'll take care of some things and then come to check to see if you need anything."

Jax kissed her on the corner of her mouth and picked up his briefcase sitting in the foyer before he walked toward the office. Brenda leaned against the wall and closed her eyes. He was scared and so was she. Brenda could count on two hands the times she had ever seen Jax frightened. Christmas was still over two weeks away and they were both already beginning to unravel. The nightmares were seeping into daylight and it felt like they were never going to end.

Friday, December 15, 2000

J & J Jacks -- Noon

Jax threw the binder onto the conference table. "These damn projections are wrong. What in the hell is going on around here? Where is Addie?"

Jerry shook his head. "Addie is at her desk but she had nothing to do with the projections. Calm down and I will call Andrew to figure out what happened."

"Jerry, don't tell me to calm down. Dad and I decided three days ago to go with the earlier projections. Now this whole thing is wrong and will have to be redone."

Jerry took a deep breath. "I will go talk to Andrew. Why don't you go back into your office and I will come in when we have figured this out?"

Jax stood up so quickly that the chair rolled back and hit the bookcase beside the conference table. "Tell him to get it right and I mean now."

Jax stormed out of the conference room and Jerry ran his hand through his hair. It had been months since he had seen Jax like this and Jerry knew that Jax was fighting those demons again. Those demons about the death of his son. Jax had been like this all week. Yesterday, Jerry had heard him yell at Addie for the first time in the three years that Jerry had been in the Port Charles office. It was getting worse every day.

Jerry thought back to two days before when he had seen Brenda. She had not looked any better than Jax did. She had asked Jerry how Jax was handling things at the office and Jerry thought that she was just as upset about Jax as she was about the approaching anniversary of Jamie's death. The nightmare was continuing for all of them.

Jax slammed the door shut behind him as he entered his office. He slumped down into his chair and put his head in his hands. Hell had to be better than this. The past two weeks had seemed like an eternity and Christmas Eve was still nine days away. He was becoming unglued. It may as well have been this past winter again.

He was not in control of his emotions, especially his anger. It was frightening him as he had no idea how he was going to handle Christmas Eve. He did not know how he could ever help Brenda when he could not even help himself. Over and over again in his mind, Jax was reliving those moments spent in the emergency room last Christmas Eve. They were even more horrendous now than they were then. Now he could feel the pain whereas a year ago, he had been numb. It was torturous.

Jax turned around in his chair and grabbed a glass from the credenza behind him. He threw some ice cubes into it and then moved to grab the pitcher of water beside him. The glass slipped out of his hand onto the rug. The ice cubes flew in all directions and he cursed as he leaned over to pick up the glass. As he did, Jax remembered the scene this morning at the breakfast table when Jillian had accidentally knocked over her cup of orange juice. It had spilled all over the newspaper he was reading and he had exploded. He had immediately raised his voice and reprimanded Jillian. Her bottom lip had started quivering and then she began sobbing. Brenda had been in the kitchen at the time and she ran into the dining room when she heard Jax yell.

Jax closed his eyes to try to erase the images in his mind. It was fruitless and he did not know what image pained him more, Jillian's tears or the look in Brenda's eyes when she had lifted Jillian from the chair to hug her. Jax then looked at the glass in his hand and then threw it against the opposite wall. It shattered into tiny pieces just as his heart had this morning at the breakfast table. He was not sure if there was enough glue in the world to put it back together again.

As the sound of the shattering glass was heard, John stood outside Jax's office door. He had been in town for two days and had seen how his son was suffering. John had told Jane last night on the phone that their boy was drowning and Jerry had made a similar statement to John earlier today. With a look of deep concern in her eyes, Addie glanced up at John as she sat at her desk. The entire office staff knew that Jax was in anguish.

John opened the door and walked into the office. As he closed it behind him, he saw the pieces of broken glass strewn across the carpet.

He walked to the front of Jax's desk. "Testing the fragility of the fine crystal again son?"

Jax closed his eyes as he put his head in his hands. "I can't make it stop."

John sat down in the chair in front of the desk. "What son?"

Jax shook his head. "All of it -- the pain, the anger, the frustration, the guilt."

John cleared his throat. "Yours or Brenda's?"

Jax swallowed hard. "Neither."

"But I will bet you my interest in the Melbourne mines that it is your inability to stop Brenda's pain that is the most upsetting to you."

Jax rubbed his temple. "Okay old man, you don't have to be so smart."

John gave him half a smile. "My son, the consummate protector." John's facial expression then turned serious. "You can't do it this time and Brenda would not want you to even if it were possible."

Jax sighed deeply. "Why? She has been through so much."

"You both have Jax."

Jax ran his hand through his hair. "All I want to do is stop her suffering."

John looked straight at him. "Jax, there is not a shield large enough or armor strong enough in this world to do that. You can't stop Brenda's pain just like she can't stop yours, believe me I know. But I also know how difficult that concept is to grasp especially for you son. I know how much you love her."

"Dad, she and Jillian are my whole life."

John nodded. "I know that and I know that you would do anything to help her but destroying yourself with anger and guilt is not the answer."

Jax's eyes showed the depth of his despair. "I don't know what to do. I don't know up from down or right from left now. I have no idea how to get through the next ten days. I have lost complete control of everything."

John spoke softly. "And I know that is killing you but you can't allow that to happen. Stop fighting it before it destroys you."

Jax choked back the lump in his throat. "I don't know how to make this easier for her, easier for us. Should I take her away or should we spend the whole day in the house? Should we spend the day in church or should we schedule a double session with Melanie? Should we be alone or should we be surrounded by people who love us? Is Jillian going to understand any of this or would it be better to have her spend the day with Jerry and Julia? I don't know anything right now."

John shook his head. "Son, this is not a test. There are no right or wrong answers. You and Brenda will just do what needs to be done, whatever that is. When the time comes, you will know what the best thing to do is. You need to trust yourself."

Jax took a deep breath. "That is not as easy as it sounds right now."

John nodded in agreement. "I understand that but you have to do it. You and Brenda love each other and you have come this far. You can't give up now, not on yourself or on the two of you. That can't be an option."

"No, that is not an option."

John spoke with great deliberation. "Then that is where you start. It is going to be torture. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I can't. However, you have each other for support. Trust in that and use each other's strength and you will be able to face it all. Against the two of you, it won't stand a chance."

Jax had to smile at his father's words. It was almost as if John were speaking from the pulpit. "The great John Jacks speaks."

John smirked. "Bloody hell yes and I am damn good aren't I?"

Jax laughed for the first time in two weeks. "How Lady Jane has put up with you all these years, I have no clue."

John shrugged. "That is easy. They are called ear plugs."

Jax rolled his eyes as John got up from the chair and walked toward the door. John turned around as he reached the door. "Son, your mother and I could not be prouder of the way you and Brenda have pulled your lives back together and I know that both of you can do this. I have no doubts. I am going to tell Brenda the same thing when she gets back from her meetings in Manhattan this evening."

"Thank you Dad. Thank you for everything."

John nodded. "You are most welcome. Now you just continue to take care of that beautiful family of yours."

Jax smiled as he picked up the phone. "I will and I am going to start right now."

John smiled in return as he walked out of the office. Jax took a deep breath and made his call. The time had come for him to begin to take control of his life again. It was the only answer.

The Bridge -- 7:00pm

Brenda stood alone at the bridge and looked down as the full moon glistened on the water below. There were hundreds of stars in the sky and it was a beautiful night. The sights went completely unnoticed by Brenda. She had arrived back in Port Charles earlier than expected from her afternoon meetings in Manhattan. Since she had made arrangements with Maggie to drop Jillian off at Lois and Ned's for the evening, Brenda had asked Virgil to stop at the bridge so she could clear her head.

Over the past several months, Brenda had often come to the bridge to collect her thoughts. Robin had first suggested it when Brenda had first started her sessions with Melanie almost six months ago. It was peaceful and the perfect place to think. It was also the place where Brenda felt closest to Stone these days. Over the recent weeks, Brenda had felt the need to somehow speak to him.

Tonight, Brenda really needed some guidance. She was worried about Jax. This morning's scene at the breakfast table had replayed in her mind throughout the day. Their arguments earlier in the week also had cluttered her thoughts. Jax was pulling away from her and she did not know how to stop it. The most troubling event of this week for Brenda had been three days ago when Jax's schedule had prevented him from seeing Melanie with her. It was the first time that Jax had missed a session since they had started three months ago and Brenda feared what it meant.

Brenda closed her eyes as she leaned over the stone wall. She needed some help, a great deal of it. She had to find a way to help Jax. The pain she had seen in his eyes over the past week had driven a stake right through her heart. Brenda shook her head as she folded her arms closely to her chest as the chilly night air surrounded her. She looked up to the heaven and spoke.

"Hi Stone. It's Brenda. I need some help. Again." Brenda smiled. "I can see you shaking your head now and wondering when I am ever going to stop asking you for help. First it was to look out for Jillian and then it was to take care of Jamie and now it is for Jax. Well, actually it is for me. I need to know how to help him."

Brenda sat on the wall as she continued to look up to the sky. "Stone, I wish you could have known Jax. I love him more than I thought it was humanly possible to love someone. When he came into my life, he made everything better. And then he made everything better than that. He is the kindest, most generous, most loving man I have ever known and right now he is suffering and I can't bear to see it. There is nothing that I would not do for him."

Brenda sighed as tears brimmed her eyes. "Stone, I need to help Jax through this and I need some special help from you. He has been strong for so long. Now it is my turn. He has been there for me from almost the first moment we met. He was there after the hit and run and he was there to save me from own stupidity in Canada. Then he was there that day in the rain more than four years ago now. My life changed that day. Actually, my life began that day. And now I have a life that I never imagined would be possible. Jax is responsible for that. Now I am asking for a little extra strength and guidance so that I can help him. I need him to know that I am here for him now."

He stood behind her. "I know you are here for me now."

Brenda quickly turned her head at the sound of his voice. "Jax. What are you doing here?"

Jax helped Brenda down from the wall. "I came to find you."

"How did you know I was here?"

Jax cradled the back of her head with his hands. "I went home and Corrine said you were back in town but had a stop to make before you came home. I figured I would find you here."

Brenda gave him a lopsided grin. "You think you are so smart, don't you?"

Jax put his arms around her waist. "Well, I married you, didn't I?"

Brenda rested her palms against his chest and spoke in a serious tone. "Why did you come to find me?"

Jax looked down at her. "Because we need to talk?"

Brenda nodded. "I know. I have been trying all week."

Jax sighed deeply. "I know sweetie. I am sorry about that."

"Jax, I don't need an apology. I just need you. I need to know what I can do to help you, what I can do to help us."

Jax lifted his hands to cradle her face. "I was scared Brenda, I am scared."

Brenda's eyes shined as she looked into his eyes. "I know, so am I."

Jax smiled. "I understand that. I did not know how I was ever going to be able to help you with the way I was feeling myself."

Brenda turned her cheek into his palm and kissed it. "Let me help you. We need to help each other."

Jax nodded in agreement. "That is exactly what Melanie said to me this afternoon."

Brenda smiled as she looked up at him. "You saw Melanie? Alone?"

"Yes. I knew I needed some guidance, especially after canceling out on her earlier this week. I made an appointment for us next week."

Brenda felt her heart beating rapidly in her chest. "I am glad. Did she help you?"

Jax exhaled slowly. "Yes. She helped me deal with part of what has been bothering me."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Jax took Brenda's hand and helped her onto the stone ledge of the bridge. He stood beside her and leaned against the wall. "I was angry and I felt so much guilt about the reason behind that anger."

Brenda took his hand in hers. "What reason?"

Jax looked down at his feet. "I was feeling envious and jealous of you."

Brenda spoke in an almost whisper. "Why?"

Jax closed his eyes for a moment. "I was envious of the fact that you had been able to share so much more with Jamie than I ever did. You had carried him for almost eight months. You had felt him move and had been with him for all that time. He knew your voice and your laugh and the sound of your heartbeat. He felt close to you. You knew him from the first moment but I could not experience that. I hated the fact that I felt this way but I did."

Brenda brought her hand to his cheek. "Baby, I am so sorry. But there is no reason to feel guilty about that. I did share things with him that no one else could, not even you. I wish it could have been different. I wish life was not so unfair at times but it is. I still don't understand any of it, but I understand now that I am not supposed to understand."

Jax grasped her hand that stroked his cheek. He brought it to his lips and kissed each of her fingers. "I have been so lost and confused over the past two weeks. I did not know what the best thing to do for the holidays. I wondered if it were best if we left town and went to Alaska or Cortina or anywhere. I know now that is not the answer."

Brenda shook her head. "No, it is not. But believe me, I wondered the same thing myself. We have Jillian and she is here. She needs to spend Christmas in her own home surrounded by her family and friends. And we need to face whatever we have to face."

Jax put his arm around Brenda. "Yes, we do. And whatever happens, I will be there for you."

Brenda rested her head against his chest. "And I will be there for you. And Jillian will be there for both of us."

Jax smiled. "Along with her list of gifts. You know she is not budging on the one item she wants more than anything."

Brenda sighed. "Unfortunately, I know."

Jax smirked as he looked at her. "I think we will just have to do it."

Brenda rolled her eyes. "I am still wondering what you bribed her with to put it on her list. You want it more than she does."

Jax gave her a look of innocence. "Me? I wonder never do a thing like that."

"Sure. All I can say is that when there is hell to pay, I will be collecting from you."

Jax laughed. "So what else is new?" Jax grinned as he saw Brenda raise her eyebrows at him. "It will be worth it, she will love it. She talked about it again this evening when I picked her up."

Brenda looked up at him. "You saw her. Is she not with Lois?"

Jax shook his head. "No, I picked her up and Dad is with her at the house. I explained that we had a big day tomorrow so it was best if she spent tonight with us."

Brenda gave him a look of confusion. "What big day?"

"It is supposed to be beautiful so I thought we would take a little trip to Pine Valley Farms."

Brenda could not help but smile. "Pine Valley Farms? We have not been there since Jillian's very first Christmas."

Jax nodded. "I know but I thought it would be nice for Jillian to pick out her very own Christmas tree."

"She must have been so thrilled."

Jax sighed. "Yes and it was nice to see her so excited after seeing her so upset this morning. I am so angry with myself for flying off the handle."

Brenda lowered herself from the ledge and stood before him. "Don't beat yourself up about it. You explained to her that you were upset and how sorry you were. She understands."

"I hope so." Jax kissed Brenda on the forehead and then looked up at the sky. "Look at those stars."

Brenda turned to face the sky as Jax wrapped his arms around her from behind. "They are beautiful. I had not even noticed."

Jax rested his chin on top of her head. "We are going to get through this."

Brenda placed her hands over his as they wrapped around her waist. "I know we will."

Jax looked up at the sky again. "Look, there is a shooter."

Brenda smiled. "Quick make a wish."

Jax tightened his arms around her and looked up at the shooting star as he made his silent wish. Brenda gazed above as she did the same. They both had made the same wish as they asked for strength to get through the next ten days. It was going to take everything they had but they knew they would be able to do it.

As the moonlight continued to shine down upon them, Brenda leaned her head against Jax's chest. As they stood there in the crisp night air, she smiled and looked up again at the sky. As she did, Brenda mouthed to the heavens above. "Thanks Stone." Brenda closed her eyes and felt the warmth of Jax's arms around her. She felt safe again. She was home.

Sunday, December 24, 2000

The Jacks Residence -- 8:00am

Jax looked over at the clock and then down at Brenda as she slept in his arms. The first eight hours of this dreaded day had passed but it already felt as though the day had lasted forever. Jax closed his eyes as he remembered the moment when the grandfather clock had struck midnight. The chimes had sounded as loud as the bells at Westminster Abbey. The day had begun.

Brenda could not bear the thought of spending a sleepless night tossing and turning in bed so she and Jax had spent most of the early morning hours on the couch in the master suite. A fire had roared in the fireplace as Jax held her. The tears had started almost simultaneously with the sound of the chimes to start the day. At dawn, her tears flowed like a river at the sight of the light of day. It was grey and dark and dismal. There would be no sunshine in the sky today nor any brightness. It was as if the sun was in mourning and had retreated to honor the sadness of the day.

As he sat up in bed, Jax placed a soft kiss on the top of Brenda's head. She had finally fallen asleep about an hour ago and he had carried her to bed. She was clutching Jamie's hospital blanket in her hand. He held her tightly hoping against all odds that she would be free from the nightmares that had plagued her over the past three days. She needed some peace even if it was only for a few hours. This day was going to last an eternity.

They had gotten through the past week as best as they could. The sessions with Melanie had helped a great deal. The house was decorated for Christmas and all the gifts had been bought. Brenda had managed to get through the children's party at General Hospital two days before. Susan Martin had made an appearance at the party and afterwards, she and Brenda had broken down together about Jimmy and Jamie and how difficult the holiday would be.

Jax and Brenda had decided to spend the day together with Jillian. All the household staff was off through New Year's Day so it was just the three of them in the house. John and Jane were in town but were staying with Jerry and Julia so that Jax and Brenda could be alone with Jillian. Friends had called and sent notes and remembrances the day before so that they would not disturb Jax and Brenda's private time today. The Cerrullo family had arranged for Father Dominic to say Mass in Jamie's memory today and Lila and Edward had made a donation to Kanga's Kradle in Jamie's name.

Jax, Brenda and Jillian would spend Christmas afternoon and evening at Jerry and Julia's house. Julia was having Christmas dinner for everyone so that Brenda did not have to worry about anything. Jax and Brenda were waiting until later in the week to exchange gifts with everyone but the family. They had decided to keep the next few days clear so they could be alone with Jillian. They were only taking things one minute at a time.

Jax gently brushed away a loose curl from Brenda's face. As he looked down at her, the memories of last Christmas Eve morning flashed through his mind. Things had been so different. Jax did not remember ever having seen Brenda as happy as she was that morning. She had placed all the beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree and was making the final arrangements for their Christmas Eve dinner and gift exchange with Ned, Lois, Brooke and Robin. They were just a few weeks away from having the best gift of all with the anticipated arrival of Jamie. That afternoon and evening had changed everything and now, a year later, they were still trying to learn how to live with it.

Jax came back to the present as he heard Jillian at the door. He waved for her to come into the room and put his finger to his lips to motion for her to be quiet. Jillian climbed up into the bed with Roo-Roo in her arms.

Jillian whispered. "Mommy's sleeping."

Jax nodded. "Yes Princess and we need to let her sleep."

"I'm hungry Daddy."

Jax smiled at her. "I can take care of that. Do you want to do something really special?"

Jillian bobbed her head up and down. "Oh yes."

Jax lifted Jillian onto his lap. "Okay. Daddy is going to go and make you some breakfast but I need you to stay right here with Mommy. Daddy does not want Mommy to be alone today."

"Roo-Roo and me will stay with Mommy."

Jax stroked her cheek. "Okay, you stay with Mommy and then I am going to bring your breakfast up here and you can eat it while Mommy is sleeping."

Jillian's mouth flew open in awe. "I can eat in Mommy and Daddy's bed just like I did when my tummy hurt?"

"Yes, you can as a very special treat today."

Jillian looked up at him with the face of an angel. "I won't leave Mommy alone. Mommy said she was going to be sad today."

Jax threaded his fingers through Jillian's hair. "Yes, today is a sad day but you can help make Mommy and Daddy be happy."

Jillian smiled. "Roo-Roo will help too."

Jax kissed her cheek. "I am sure he will. Now, can you stay here with Mommy so I can fix your breakfast?"

Jillian nodded. "Yes, Roo-Roo and I will lay down really close to Mommy. She won't be sad."

Jax smiled and lifted back the covers as Jillian scooted under the blanket. She snuggled up alongside Brenda and Jax gently removed his arm from around Brenda. Brenda sighed in her sleep and then rolled over and instinctively pulled Jillian closer to her. Jillian grinned at Jax as he eased off the bed. He blew a kiss to her and left the suite to go to the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Jax returned with a tray. He carefully lifted Jillian from Brenda's grasp and Jillian crawled to the bottom of the bed. Jax slid into bed next to Brenda and pulled her toward him. Jillian moved to the other side of him and Jax propped up the pillows behind her and then set the bed tray up over Jillian's legs.

"Okay Princess, you can eat your oatmeal and bananas and your toast and orange juice. And here is your vitamin."

Jillian took the tablet and grinned. "It's Pebbles. I love Pebbles."

Jax nodded. "I remember."

Jillian took a sip of orange juice as she chewed her vitamin. "Here is my cup Daddy."

Jax put the cup on the nightstand. "Okay, now you can eat."

Jillian smiled brightly. "This is fun."

Jax helped Jillian eat her oatmeal and bananas and then he handed her a half a slice of toast.

Jillian licked her lips. "Yum-yum, grape jelly."

Brenda stirred and then lifted her head from Jax's chest. She looked over at Jillian whose lips now where smeared with grape jelly. "Who is this eating breakfast in my bed?"

Jillian giggled. "Me. Daddy brought me breakfast so we could stay with you."

Brenda sat up. "I see."

"It's fun to eat in bed Mommy. Daddy can make you breakfast too."

Brenda smiled. "Sweetheart, Mommy's tummy does not feel very good right now."

Jillian picked up the other slice of toast. "I can feed you Mommy. Remember when you gave me toast when my tummy hurt? I will come sit on your lap." Jillian then put the slice of toast back on the plate.

Jax could not help but smile as he moved the tray from Jillian's lap and watched her crawl over to Brenda. He put the tray over his lap and handed Jillian the toast again.

Jillian tore off the corner piece of the bread. "Here Mommy. It will make your tummy feel better."

Jax smiled at Brenda. "Yes Mommy, it will make you feel better."

Brenda swallowed the piece of toast and shook her head. "A two front attack?"

Jax gave her a lopsided grin. "Don't even try to fight us."

Jillian put another piece of toast in Brenda's mouth. "Does your tummy feel better?"

Brenda kissed Jillian's forehead. Yes sweetie, my tummy feels better."

"Are you still sad Mommy?"

Brenda ran her hand through Jillian's curls. "Yes, but you and Daddy are helping me."

Jillian put her arms around Brenda and rested her head against Brenda's chest. "I will stay with you Mommy -- aaaallll day. You can take a nap with me and Roo-Roo. Daddy can too. We won't leave you alone. We love you Mommy."

Brenda hugged Jillian tightly and buried her head into Jillian's silky hair. Brenda grabbed one of Jax's hands and held it against Jillian's back and then covered Jax's hand with her own. "Mommy loves you and Daddy so much."

Brenda looked up through the skylight as Jax took her into his arms. She could see the thick, grey clouds as they cluttered the sky. The wind roared as a spattering of rain began to fall upon the roof. Brenda rocked Jillian gently in her arms as she reflected on the day. She rested her cheek on top of Jillian's head as she realized that there was indeed some sunshine today, she just had to know where to look for it.

The Jacks Residence -- 3:00pm

Brenda looked up at the grandfather clock as she and Jillian walked through the foyer. The day was more than half over and she was still on her feet. They all were. They had all spent the morning upstairs in Jillian's room and the playroom. Jax had read to Jillian and Brenda had helped her with her puzzles. And just as Jillian had suggested earlier this morning, they had all taken a nap together in Jax and Brenda's bed.

They had all slept but the nightmares had come for Brenda. Jax had awakened immediately when she had cried out Jamie's name in her sleep. Even in her slumber, the tears came. Jillian had also arisen at the sound of Brenda's whimpers. Jillian had caressed her mother's face as the tears rolled down Brenda's cheeks. Jax had pulled Brenda into his arms and massaged her back to calm her.

Brenda and Jillian walked into the den. Brenda put the magic markers, crayons and colored pencils onto the table and then handed Jillian the pad of construction paper.

Jillian sat up on her knees and leaned against the table. "Where is Daddy?"

Brenda smiled at her. "He had to go outside for something. Daddy said he would come in with us in a few minutes."

Jillian looked up at Brenda. "Can you cut some circles for me?"

"Sure sweetie."

Brenda got up and walked over to the desk and opened the drawer to get the scissors. She picked up the scissors and closed the drawer shut. As she turned around, Brenda caught sight of the mantle and the stockings hanging from it. At that moment, she felt herself trembling. It was last Christmas Eve morning again.

The memories flooded Brenda's mind as she recalled the tiny red stocking she had bought for Jamie two days before Christmas. Brenda saw herself hanging it from the mantle Christmas Eve morning. It had joined her stocking along with those for Jax, Jillian, John and Jane. As she had hung the tiny stocking beside Jillian's, Brenda had felt as though Jamie were sharing the holiday with them even though his appearance into this world was not expected for a few more weeks. Little did any of them know that events would transpire just a few hours later which would change everything forever.

Jillian looked up from her drawing. "Mommy, I am ready for you to make me some circles."

Brenda was pulled out of her flashback at the sound of Jillian's voice. Brenda struggled to catch her breath and to find her voice. "Okay sweetie."

Brenda walked over to the sofa and sat down. She began cutting circles as Jillian watched her. Jillian stood up and walked over to the end table next to the sofa. She grabbed a tissue from the box and then scooted up onto the sofa.

Jillian patted the tissue against Brenda's cheek. "I will dry your tears Mommy."

Brenda smiled. "Thanks sweetie."

"It's okay Mommy. Jamie is up in heaven."

Brenda nodded. "Yes, Jamie is in heaven."

Jillian rubbed Brenda's arm. "Mommy, he is with the angels so he is not sad. Jamie even has wings so he can fly. He can fly just like Santa's reindeer."

Brenda put the scissors down and hugged Jillian. "Fly like Santa's reindeer? Then I guess he really is happy."

Jillian bobbed her head up and down. "Very happy just like me and Roo-Roo."

Brenda kissed Jillian on the cheek as they heard the front door open. Jillian looked up at Brenda. "Someone is here."

At that moment Jax walked into the den. "Yes, Daddy is here."

Jillian looked up at him. "What are you carrying in that big box Daddy?"

Jax came over to the sofa and put the box on the carpet. "It is something that I need some help with."

Jillian raised her hand in the air. "I want to help you, Daddy?"

Jax flashed her a huge grin. "That is the plan."

"What is it Daddy?"

Jax tore open the heavy green plastic which was covering the contents of the box. He put the plastic on the rug and then lifted the contents from the box.

Jillian was wide-eyed. "It's a baby Christmas tree. I can touch the top of it if I stand on my tip-toes."

Jax nodded. "Yes, it is a very special kind of baby Christmas tree. It is for Mommy and Daddy's babies."

Jillian pointed at herself. "You mean me?" Then Jillian smiled. "And Jamie?"

"Yes, a tree which belongs to just you and Jamie."

"It is so pretty." Jillian looked down at the tree's base. "Daddy, why is there a lumpy bag at the bottom of the tree?"

"Princess, those are the roots of the tree. This is a special Christmas tree that we can plant in the yard after Christmas. Then we will always be able to watch it grow."

Jillian looked at Brenda and grinned. "Mommy, Daddy got us another Christmas tree."

Brenda smiled. "I see that sweetie." She then looked up at Jax. "A Christmas tree for the children. When are you ever going to stop amazing me?"

Jax shrugged. "Never. You can count on that." Jax lifted Jillian into his arms and then sat next to Brenda on the couch. "Jillian, this afternoon you can decorate your own little tree."

Jillian's mouth dropped open. "Me?"

Jax tweaked her nose. "Yes. It is your tree, yours and Jamie's."

Brenda took her hand. "Jillian, you can put anything you want on it."

Jillian clapped her hands together. "Mommy, can you help me?"

"Yes, sweetie, I can help you."

Jillian tapped her index finger against her cheek. "I want the pretty white lights that sparkle. You know Mommy, the ones that look like twinkle, twinkle little star. And candy canes. And pretty shiny beads"

Brenda smiled. "We have some white lights that twinkle and some shiny beads and some candy canes."

Jillian grinned. "And Mommy, you can cut out some big stars from my paper and help me color them. Brooke made some in school and I saw them on Aunt Lois' tree. They have glitter on them and yarn to hang them up. We can make really, really pretty ones. Daddy can help too."

Jax winked at her. "Sure Princess."

Jillian then looked around the room. "I left Roo-Roo in Mommy's bed. I have to go get him to show him my tree. I have to hurry, Christmas is almost here."

Jillian scooted off of Jax's lap and ran toward the doorway. When she reached the door, she turned around and looked at Jax and Brenda. "Mommy and Daddy, we also have to put an angel on the top of the tree. Jamie would really like that."

Brenda felt Jax's fingers interlock with hers as she smiled at Jillian. "Yes, Jillian. I think Jamie will love it."

Jillian grinned and then disappeared into the hallway as Brenda leaned against Jax's shoulder. "The tree is perfect. Thank you."

Jax kissed her forehead. "It will always belong to them and every year Jillian can put her little twinkling lights on it and know she is doing it for Jamie as well."

"And put an angel on top." Brenda whispered as tears filled the corners of her eyes. "Angels."

Jax looked at her. "What about angels?"

Brenda smiled through her tears. "Now I know that angels just don't exist in heaven. There are two living in this house with me."

Brenda moved into Jax's lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. "I love you."

Jax kissed her softy on the lips. "I love you too."

They held each other as the love in their hearts flowed like a river. It covered everything in its path, including the pain and anguish of the day. As they had been told more than four years before, love would conquer all. It had.

The Jacks Residence -- 11:15pm

After an excited and hyper late afternoon, Jillian had finally wound herself down and fallen asleep. Brenda had curled up in bed with Jillian and Roo-Roo as Jax read "Twas the Night before Christmas" to them. Jillian was still not sleepy after that so Jax had then read "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and finally Jillian drifted off to sleep. Brenda had gone to check on Jillian a half hour ago and was still sitting in Jillian's bedroom. Brenda quietly rocked in the rocking chair with Jamie's blanket in her lap as she watched Jillian sleep. While she sat with Jillian, Jax was finishing up the preparation for the morning frenzy.

Jax removed the last of Jillian's gifts from Santa Claus from the top shelf of the master suite closet. Everything else was ready downstairs in the living room for tomorrow morning. The big tree was surrounded by the wrapped gifts from Jax and Brenda and the unwrapped gifts from Santa Claus. Plans had been made for the morning delivery of the one gift being kept outside of the house. The stockings had been filled in the den and the baby tree was decorated and standing in the corner. Tomorrow Jillian would have her Christmas.

Jax closed the closet door and walked toward the center of the room with the two gifts. His legs stopped almost involuntarily as he reached the dresser. Jax sighed deeply as he put the two gifts down. He stood there for a few moments before he opened the top drawer. Jax picked up the black case and then lifted its lid. Inside the case was the gold pocket watch that John had given him for his eighteenth birthday. It had been one of the two treasured possessions that John's father had ever owned and Jerry had been given the other. The watch had been given to John for his eighteenth birthday and John had lovingly carried on the tradition with Jax.

Jax looked down at the face of the pocket watch. It was 11:30pm. In thirty minutes, the day would be over. For thirty more minutes, Jamie should have been celebrating his first birthday but that was not going to happen. Seventeen years from this day, the watch would still be in its case in Jax's dresser drawer. There would be no eighteenth birthday celebration and no passing of the watch from father to son. It would just be another Christmas Eve.

Jax swallowed to get rid of the lump in his throat and then put the watch into the pocket of his jeans. He took a deep breath as he picked up the two gifts from the dresser. Jax took the gifts downstairs and put them under the tree. He picked up the two graham crackers from the plate and drank the glass of milk that Jillian had left for Santa. Everything was now set for Jillian in the morning. Jax turned out the lights on the Christmas tree and shut the living room doors behind him.

Jax walked through the hallway and reached the den. He checked the fireplace to make sure the embers had all burned themselves out. He turned out the lamps so that the only illumination in the room was the twinkling lights on the tiny Christmas tree. It was beautiful. Jax walked over to the tree and looked at the paper stars Jillian and Brenda had colored this afternoon. Jax had affixed the yarn to the stars so that Jillian could hang them from the tree branches. Atop the tree was a small crocheted angel that Ruby had given Brenda a few days before as a remembrance of Jamie. Jax remembered how Brenda had so carefully wrapped the lights and gold beads around the tree. She had helped Jillian place each star and candy cane on the branches. Jax did not think that so much love had ever been put into the decorating of a Christmas tree.

Jax put his hand on one of the lower branches and gingerly fingered the tiny red stocking. He smiled as he thought back to a few hours before when Brenda had told Jillian that she had a perfect addition to the tree. Brenda and Jillian had disappeared for a few minutes and then had come back into the den with the stocking. Jax knew that the stocking had been packed away in the cedar chest in the attic. He also knew what it took for Brenda to open that cedar chest. Brenda had just winked at him when he saw the stocking in her hand. Jax remembered watching Brenda as she had so lovingly hung it from the largest branch of the tree. She had looked up at him and smiled and told him that now she knew that Jamie was really celebrating with them. It was at that moment that Jax knew that they had made it through the day.

It had also been at that moment that Jax knew what he wanted to do.

Now it just had to be done. He removed the timepiece from the pocket of his jeans. He looked at the face and saw it was 11:40pm. In twenty minutes Christmas would be here. Jax gently squeezed the watch in the palm of his left hand. After a moment, he took the gold chain of the watch with his right hand. He lifted the watch toward the tree and wrapped the chain around the limb sitting next to the branch which held the stocking. Jax wrapped the chain around the limb until the face of the timepiece hung securely from the tree branch. Jax stepped back and smiled. Now the tree was complete. He took a deep breath and unplugged the lights on the tree. It was time to say a final farewell to Christmas Eve 2000.

Jax walked up the steps and met Brenda as she came out of Jillian's room. Jamie's blanket was still in her hand. He took one last look at Jillian for the night and then joined Brenda in the hallway.

Jax put both hands on her shoulders. "Are you okay?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes. Are you?"

Jax smiled. "I am. We made it."

Brenda stepped slightly away from him. "Not quite. There is still something I have to do."

Jax took her face in his hands. "Are you sure? Sweetie, you don't have to do this."

Brenda shook her head. "Yes, I do. I have to do it for me."

"Okay. But are you certain that you want to do it now?"

"I am sure." Brenda looked at her watch. "In a few minutes, it will be Christmas and that has to be all Jillian's. Today was for Jamie and tomorrow is for Jillian. It is for her and her alone. I can't let anything interfere with that so I have to do this tonight."

Jax caressed her cheek. "Okay. I'll be right beside you."

"I know. You always are." Brenda took a deep breath. "I want to say one thing before we go."

"What my love?"

Brenda slowly exhaled. "I know it is time to start letting go. Not of Jamie but of the pain."

Jax nodded. "I know. Do you think we are ready?"

Tears brimmed Brenda's eyes. "I hope so. After we get through tomorrow, I think we just need to figure out how to do that."

Jax pulled her into his arms. "We will. I have no doubt."

Brenda closed her eyes for a moment and savored the love and warmth she felt as he held her. She stepped back from his embrace and nodded her head. Jax put his arm around her shoulder as they walked down the hall until they reached the closed nursery door. Brenda took two deep breaths and then placed her hand on the doorknob. She turned the knob and slowly pushed the door open. The room was completely dark. She reached for the light switch and flipped it to the on position.

Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?

Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on,

Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Brenda walked over the threshold of the room. She looked down at her feet almost as if to be sure they were really there. Both of her feet were on the medium blue carpet. She was actually standing inside the room. It had been exactly one year since she had last been in the nursery. Brenda finally remembered to breathe as she felt Jax's hand grasp hers.

Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in heaven?

Would you help me stand, if I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way through night and day

Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven.

Brenda looked around the perimeter of the room. The walls had been painted a buffed ivory shade. The walls were no longer painted with a pale blue hue nor was there a border of blue, green and yellow teddy bears just below the ceiling. The cradle, dressing table, dresser and rocking chair were also gone. So were the plush teddy bear mobile and the quilted teddy bear wall hanging. The room was bare just as Brenda instructed before she had come home from the hospital at the end of last December. It looked even more barren than she had imagined it would. It felt even emptier than that.

Time can bring you down,

Time can bend your knees,

Time can break your heart,

Have you beg and plead, have you beg and plead.

Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure

And I know they'll be no more -- tears in heaven.

Brenda closed her eyes and remembered exactly how the room had looked last Christmas Eve morning. She had memorized every detail. She even could see the chocolate brown bear with the blue ribbon around his neck sitting in the cradle. Brenda opened her eyes and shook her head at the reality of the situation. The room had been ready for Jamie and he was never coming home. And she had seen to it that the room would never let her forget that. She had to change that, sooner rather than later. It would be the first step in letting go of the pain. Brenda knew she had to do it for Jillian and Jamie and Jax and for herself. She owed it to all of them.

Would you know my name, if I saw you in heaven?

Would you be the same, if I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong and carry on,

Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven.

Brenda felt Jax's arms wrap around her waist from behind and pull her as close to him as possible. She snuggled her head into his chest as the clock in the foyer began to chime for the midnight hour. As it struck four, Brenda placed her hands over his as Jax's hands held her tightly around her waist. As it struck eight, Jax gently rocked Brenda back and forth in his arms and buried his head in her hair.

The chimes continued. {{{ding}}} Nine.

Brenda clutched Jamie's blanket against her chest. {{{dong}}} Ten.

Jax whispered to Brenda. "Brenda, Jamie knows how much we love him." {{{ding}}} Eleven.

Both Jax and Brenda closed their eyes. {{{dong}}} Twelve.

Christmas Eve was over. It was midnight. They had survived. It was December 25th. They had faced it all together. Christmas morning was here.

Tears again rolled down Brenda's cheeks but this time, they were tears of relief and peace. Brenda turned around to face Jax and put her arms around his neck. She smiled as she looked up at him. "I love you. Merry Christmas Jax."

Jax's eyes shined brightly as if all the light in heaven was radiating through them. "Merry Christmas to you too, my love."

Monday, December 25, 2000

The Jacks Residence -- 6:30am

Brenda snuggled deeper into Jax's arms as the last embers of the blaze cast an orange glow onto the down comforter. They had spent the past several hours sleeping with a roaring fire before them. Jax and Brenda had renewed their tradition of spending Christmas Eve night in front of the fireplace. The custom had begun in the penthouse on their first Christmas Eve together and had continued until last year. Now, the tradition had returned.

Jax and Brenda had stayed in the nursery for almost an hour after the clock had struck midnight and then had finally gone to the master suite. Before Brenda left the nursery, she made sure that the door remained wide open. It was the first time since last Christmas Eve morning that the door to the nursery had been left open. After they had entered the bedroom, Jax immediately tossed a few more logs on the fire and Brenda had spread out the blankets, pillows and comforter on the carpet. It was then that Jax and Brenda looked at each other and realized that the Christmas Eve tradition was continuing. They had never spoken about it, but they both had known simultaneously that it was time to renew the custom.

Brenda's eyes fluttered open as Jax covered her shoulders with the comforter. As she rested her head on his chest, Brenda looked up and saw the light of day shining through the skylight. The sky was blue and the sun was shining. The sadness and gloominess of yesterday had been replaced by the hope and joy of a beautiful sunny day. Brenda smiled to herself as she realized just how long ago yesterday now seemed.

Brenda softly moaned as Jax tenderly massaged her back. "Good morning."

Jax kissed the top of her head. "Morning beautiful. Are you warm enough?"

Brenda buried her head into his neck. "Of course. I am in your arms, aren't I?"

Jax hugged her tightly against his chest. "Lucky me."

Brenda dropped baby kisses on his chest. "No, lucky me. And I am taking full advantage of it before a certain elf arises."

Jax shook his head. "Damn, I hate it when you take advantage of me."

Brenda's lips moved to his chin. "Poor baby." She covered his lips with her own and Jax surrendered immediately. Their kisses were sweet, slow and sensual. Jax groaned as Brenda's tongue traced the inside of his mouth.

The sound of a squeal from down the hall broke the intensity of the moment. Brenda released Jax's lips and then snuggled back into his embrace.

Jax began grinning. "I think the elf is awake but I am counting on you remembering where we were so that tonight you can finish taking advantage of me.."

"You can count on it." Brenda then lifted her head off of Jax's chest and listened to the rapidly approaching footsteps. "And something tells me that the elf left her slippers under her bed."

Jillian's squeals and knocking were then heard at the door to the suite. "Mommy and Daddy, wake up. It is time for presents."

Jax laughed. "Come on in sweetheart."

Jillian bounded into the room with Roo-Roo. "Mommy and Daddy, it is Christmas. We have to see what Santa Claus brought me."

Jax smiled. "Are you sure Santa Claus was here?"

Oh yes, Daddy. I heard the reindeer and the jingle bells."

Brenda pulled Jillian into her lap. "I am sure Santa came to see you since you have been such a good girl."

Jillian bobbed her head up and down. "I have been extra good."

Jax grinned at Jillian. "Yes you have so I am sure Santa Claus brought you some presents. I guess we can all get dressed and then go eat breakfast and then we can see what Santa left under the tree."

Jillian's eyes flew wide open. "Please Daddy, can we see now. Pleeaassee."

Jax chuckled as he lifted Jillian's chin. "Yes, we can Princess. Daddy was just teasing you."

Jillian tried to jump up from Brenda's lap but Brenda's arm lock stopped her. "Just a second, sweetie." Brenda then lifted up Jillian's two bare feet and smiled at her. "Where are your slippers?"

Jillian put her hand to her mouth. "Mommy, I forgot."

Brenda kissed Jillian's cheek. "Okay, but we need to get your slippers because Mommy and Daddy don't want you to get sick."

Jax stood up and put on his robe and slippers before he took Jillian from Brenda's arms. "We will stop and get your slippers and your robe before we go downstairs."

Jax extended his hand to Brenda and she stood up and grabbed her own robe and slippers. "Okay, are we ready?"

Jillian clapped her hands together. "Yeah! Time for my presents."

Brenda lead the way and Jax carried Jillian out of the suite. They stopped to get Jillian's slippers and robe and as Jillian put them on, Jax went downstairs to get ready with the video camera. A minute later, Brenda and Jillian walked down the steps and stopped in front of the closed living room doors.

Jillian beamed as she looked up at Brenda. "My presents are in there."

Brenda nodded and then spoke to Jax through the door. "Daddy, are we all ready?"

"All ready. Come on in Jillian."

Brenda pushed open the doors and Jillian bounced into the living room. Jax had turned on the Christmas tree lights and he stood beside it with the video camera as Jillian began squealing with joy.

"Mommy and Daddy, LOOK!!!"

Brenda smiled brightly. "We see sweetie."

Jillian ran over to the red and blue bike. "A bike just like Brooke has. Now I can ride outside too." She then ran over to the slumber tent. "A Barbie tent. Mommy I asked Santa for it and he gave it to me." Brenda nodded at her as Jillian ran over to the stroller. "And a stroller for my baby dolls."

Brenda walked over to Jillian. "Why don't you sit on your bike so Daddy can get it in the movie. then Mommy will take your picture with the camera."

Jillian sat on the bike with Roo-Roo on her lap. She giggled as Brenda snapped two pictures and Jax captured the images on the video camera.

Jax spoke to her. "Well, I think Santa Claus must have thought you were a very good girl to get you such nice presents."

Jillian gushed. "I love my presents." Jillian then looked at the empty glass and plate on coffee table. "Mommy, and Daddy, Santa ate the snack I left from him."

Brenda put down the camera. "He must have been hungry after driving his sleigh all night."

Jillian got off of the bike and ran over to the pile of wrapped presents sitting right in front of the tree. She looked up at Brenda. "Are these mine Mommy?"

Brenda sat in the chair beside her. "Yes, those are from Mommy and Daddy."

Jillian beamed. "I love Christmas."

A huge grin had been plastered on Jax's face from the first moment Jillian had skipped into the room. Now Jillian was waving at him as she held up the first box. She opened it up and squealed. "Patty-Cake Baby. Mommy, she can play patty-cake with me. Daddy, do you see her?"

Jax laughed. "I see her. She is beautiful."

Brenda helped Jillian get the doll out of the box. "And you can push her in the baby stroller that Santa gave you."

Jillian sat the doll in her lap next to Roo-Roo as she opened up the next few boxes. She found a red dress, black patent leather shoes and some other clothing and accessories. Then she opened two more boxes and found puzzles, books, movies and rubber stamp designs. She opened the last gift and found a picnic basket and picnic set.

Jillian began grinning. "Mommy, it is just like the big one we take to the beach and the park."

Brenda smiled. "Yes, it is. Now you and Brooke can have a picnic right here. And when we go see the horses so you and Kayla can have a picnic then too."

Jillian stood up and hugged Brenda. Jax used the video camera and then put it on the table. "Hold it right there, Daddy wants to get your picture." Jax picked up the camera.

Jillian crawled into Brenda's lap and Brenda put her arms around Jillian as Jax snapped a few shots.

"Okay, it is Daddy's turn." Brenda stood up and Jax took Jillian from Brenda's arms. Jax sat down in the chair and Jillian hugged and kissed him as Brenda took their pictures.

Jax put Jillian down on the floor and brushed a curl away from her face. "Well, are you happy Princess?"

Jillian smiled as she picked up one of her new puzzles. "Oh yes, Daddy."

Brenda clapped her hands together. "Jillian, we forgot to check your stocking."

Jillian gasped and stood up. "Come on Daddy, we have to check my stocking."

Jillian ran ahead of them into the den. Brenda smiled as she passed the tiny Christmas tree. Jax had turned on the tree's lights before he had gone into the living room to get the video camera ready for Jillian.

Jillian stood in front of the fireplace and grinned. "My stocking has something in it."

Brenda took down the stocking from the mantle and handed it to Jillian. "Here is your stocking, sweetheart."

Jillian walked to the couch and sat down. She removed the contents of the stocking. "New crayons and chalk and magic markers. And barrettes and bows. Mommy and Daddy, look bubbles. And a Christmas tree lollipop. Oh boy!"

Brenda smiled. "Jillian, what a very nice Christmas you have had so far. I will put the lollipop in the kitchen for later. We have to have breakfast now and get dressed."

Jillian handed Brenda the lollipop. "Okay Mommy. Can I wear my new dress?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes, you can wear it this afternoon when we go to Aunt Julia's. We will put it on after your nap."

Jax scooped Jillian up in his arms. "Princess, let's go get you dressed and Mommy will make breakfast."

Jillian laughed. "Can we take Patty-Cake Baby and Roo-Roo?"

"Of course. Let's go get them"

As Jax carried her to the door, Jillian blew Brenda a kiss. "Merry Christmas Mommy."

Brenda blew her a kiss back. "Merry Christmas Jillian."

Brenda put the contents of Jillian's stocking into the pockets of her robe. She then pinned the stocking back onto the mantle. She walked toward the door and stopped in front of the tiny tree. Brenda smiled as she saw Jax's pocket watch dangling from the tree branch. She put her index finger to her lips and kissed it. She then took her finger and gently touched the tiny red stocking hanging on the branch next to the watch. Brenda smiled again as she whispered. "And Merry Christmas to you, my angel."

The Jacks Residence -- 10:00am

Brenda came into the living room after getting dressed. Jillian was in the middle of the floor playing with her puzzles as Roo-Roo and Patty-Cake Doll sat beside her. Jax was drinking a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper.

Jillian looked up at Brenda. "Mommy I am playing with the "ABC's" puzzle you and Daddy gave me."

Brenda smiled as she sat down on the floor next to Jillian. "Do you want to help Mommy for a minute?"

Jillian put down the puzzle piece. "Oh yes."

"It is time to give Daddy our present. You can help Mommy give it to him."

Jillian smiled at Jax. "I know what your present is but it is a secret."

Jax whispered to Jillian. "You can tell me. What is it?"

Jillian shook her head and laughed. "No, it is a surprise."

Jax chuckled. "Well, so is Mommy's and only Daddy knows what it is. I think Mommy should get her gift first."

Brenda disagreed. "No, Daddy goes first today." Brenda crawled under the tree. "Jillian, you can help me push the box over to Daddy."

Jillian crawled alongside Brenda as they pushed the large box to the couch. "It is really a big box Daddy."

Brenda sat next to Jax on the couch. "And it is only one gift. I kept my end of the deal."

Jax rolled his eyes at her. "As did I. One gift, just like we agreed."

Jax and Brenda had decided to make a large donation in Jamie's name to the Stone Cates Memorial Wing in lieu of buying each other multiple gifts.

Jillian crawled up into Brenda's lap. "Daddy, Mommy said the other presents go to hospital so people will get all better."

Jax tweaked Jillian's nose. "We hope so princess."

Jillian clapped her hands. "Daddy, open your present. You will like it."

Jax lifted the box onto the coffee table. "Will you help me unwrap it?"

Jillian began ripping the gold foil wrap. "All done Daddy."

Jax opened the box and Jillian giggled. "See Daddy, it is for the stars."

Jax grinned at her. "Yes, it is. It is a telescope, a very high-powered one so we can see far, far away."

Jillian nodded. "Mommy says now you can see the stars twinkle and look at the moon."

Brenda took a picture and then sat down next to Jax again. "I figured now we can really see the shooters."

Jax kissed her. "It's perfect. Thank you. It will be great on the balconies upstairs."

"Can we put it together Daddy"

Jax looked at his watch. "Tomorrow we will put it together and then we can see the stars tomorrow night. Now it is time for Mommy to get her gift."

Jillian sat up. "Can I help you?"

Jax nodded. "Yes. Daddy could not wrap his gift so Mommy has to shut her eyes while I get it. Jillian, I need you to be sure Mommy keeps her eyes closed."

"Okay Daddy." Jillian looked at Brenda. "Mommy, hide your eyes."

Brenda closed her eyes. "Okay they are closed."

Jillian stood up on her knees in Brenda's lap and covered Brenda's eyes with her hands. "I am hiding Mommy's eyes too Daddy."

Jax walked out of the living room. "Good, be sure they stay shut."

A few minutes later, Jax walked back into the living room. He put his finger up to his mouth to motion for Jillian to be quiet. He then went back out of the room and came in a minute later with the rest of the gift.

Jax stood in front of the couch. "Okay Mommy, we are ready."

Jillian took her hands away from Brenda's face and Brenda opened her eyes. "Jax."

Jillian smiled. "It is so pretty Mommy."

Brenda shook her head at Jax. "It's the writing desk I saw in the antique shop when Abby and I went to Saratoga Springs two months ago. How did you know?"

Jax shrugged. "I have my spies."

Brenda got up from the sofa and walked over to the desk sitting against the wall. The desk been hand-carved in Sorrento, Italy from walnut. It had lyre-shaped legs, numerous drawers and pigeonholes and brass fittings. The writing desk had a matching hand-carved chair with a royal blue velvet seat cover.

Brenda ran her hand along the front of the desk. "It is even more beautiful than I remember. Thank you."

Jax flashed her a huge grin. "I am glad you like it."

Brenda kissed him. "I love it and I love you."

"Mommy, can I sit with you at the desk?"

Brenda picked her up. "Sure, you can try it out with Mommy." Brenda sat down on the desk chair with Jillian on her lap. "Look at the little drawers at the top and these openings are called pigeonholes."

Jillian smiled. "It's pretty and you can put my picture and Daddy's picture on top."

Brenda nodded. "You are right. Maybe we will even put a Christmas picture on top after we get the pictures back."

Jax grinned at Brenda and Jillian. "Well, it has been such a good Christmas and we still have this afternoon to spend with Grandmom and Grandpa and Aunt Julia and Uncle Jerry."

Jillian beamed. "And we get more presents."

Brenda stood up from the desk and put Jillian on the floor. "Yes, and we get to watch everyone open up the presents we bought for them."

"Yes, they are a secret." At that moment the doorbell rang and Jillian smiled. "Someone is here."

Jax looked down at her. "Let's go answer the door and see who it is."

Jax picked up Jillian and Brenda followed them through the hallway into the foyer where Jax opened the door.

"Merry Christmas everyone."

Jax smiled. "Merry Christmas to you too Emily."

Jillian giggled. "Merry Christmas. Emily, Santa came and I got lots of presents."

Emily grinned at Jillian. "He did? You will have to show your presents to me. But first I have one for you from Santa Claus."

Jillian pointed at herself. "A present for me?"

Emily nodded. "Yes, Santa left it at my house and wrote me a letter asking me to give it to you. It is in my car so I will go get it."

Jillian giggled again. "Daddy, I have another present from Santa Claus."

"I heard princess. Let's go back into the living room and Emily will bring it to you."

Brenda smiled as Jax and Jillian walked into the living room ahead of her. Brenda grabbed the camera and Jax sat Jillian on the chair and picked up the video camera.

Jillian looked up at both Jax and Brenda. "I love Christmas a whole lot."

The front door opened and Jillian heard Emily's voice. "Okay Jillian, I have your gift. Are you ready?"

Jillian excitedly laughed. "I am ready."

Emily walked into the living room and Jillian immediately began squealing. "Mommy and Daddy, LOOK!! Look what Santa brought me!"

Jillian stayed in the chair and Emily walked over to her and placed the golden retriever puppy in her lap. The ten week old puppy began excitedly crying and licking Jillian's face. "Mommy, it's a doggie. I asked Santa for it and it came."

The puppy had on a red collar with a gold jingle bell. Every time the puppy moved, you could hear the jingling of the bell. Jillian could not stop giggling as Emily picked the puppy up from Jillian's lap. "Daddy, it has a bell just like the sleigh and reindeer."

Jax laughed. "I think your puppy likes you Jillian."

"I love the puppy so much Daddy. Is it a boy or a girl?"

Emily again put the puppy in Jillian's lap. "She is a girl and Santa wrote in the note that he left her at my house last night so that Annabelle and Raoul could be with the puppy until you were awake this morning."

Jillian beamed at Brenda as Brenda snapped a picture. "Mommy, she is a girl just like me. And she has a bell."

"Yes, she has a bell. Now, can you thank Emily for bringing you the gift from Santa. She needs to go back to her house so she can open up her own Christmas presents."

Jillian smiled. "Thank you Emily."

Emily smiled at her in return. "You are welcome. Now Annabelle and Raoul have a new friend."

Jax put down the video camera. "Yes, thank you Emily. I will walk you out and take Jillian's little furry friend out as well."

Jax picked up the puppy from Jillian's lap. "Daddy, I want to go too. I want to take the puppy for a walk."

Brenda walked over to Jillian. "Let's go get your coat and then Mommy will take you outside. Daddy will go out with Emily now and we will meet him in a few minutes. After we spend a few minutes outside, it will be time to have lunch and take a nap. The puppy needs a nap too. She is just a baby."

"Can she take a nap with me?"

Brenda smiled at Jillian. "No sweetie. The puppy is going to be staying downstairs for awhile until she gets older. We will make a nice bed for her in the big pantry next to the kitchen."

Emily said good-bye to Brenda, Jillian and then Jax walked Emily out. He put the puppy on the leash and talked to Emily as she got into the car. "I can't thank you enough for everything you have done over the past ten days."

Emily smiled. "I loved it. She is a great dog and you and Brenda have both spent a great deal of time with her. The only person who groaned was Grandfather. For some reason, the puppy does not care for him."

Jax laughed. "I know and she has impeccable taste. Two days ago he threatened to have me arrested for animal abuse and corrupting a minor. I had to tell him again that he is going senile since you have been eighteen for three months now and are no longer a minor."

Emily shook her head. "I will be thirty before he ever considers me anything but his young granddaughter. I am so glad that Jillian is happy with her gift."

Jax smiled. "She has been talking about a dog for the past three months. It took me two months to convince Brenda to agree to this."

Emily nodded. "Brenda told me but I think she is pretty enthralled with little miss furry friend here."

"I know that Brenda is already hooked, at least until her tulips get trampled on or dug up. Then, there will be war."

Emily laughed. "That will not be a pretty sight. Have a great rest of the day and I told Brenda I would come over early this evening and take the puppy out while you are at Julia's for dinner. She gave me the key and the alarm code two days ago when she came to spend some time with the dog."

"Thanks again Emily. Merry Christmas. Wish everyone at the house one for us, even Edward. I am feeling generous this morning."

Emily laughed and waved as Jax shut the car door and watched her drive off. Brenda and Jillian walked out the front door and Jillian ran over to Jax and the puppy. The puppy began jumping on the leash and licking Jillian's hands. Jillian began giggling and then the puppy began jumping on Brenda's legs.

Brenda took the leash from Jax and bent over and picked up the puppy. "Do you like your new home?" Brenda then knelt down to be eye level with Jillian as she spoke to the puppy again. "This is your new best friend and her name is Jillian. She loves you already and you two will look out for each other."

Jillian petted the puppy behind her ears. "She is so soft just like my fuzzy bear. Mommy, what is her name?"

Brenda stroked Jillian's face. "The puppy belongs to you so you can pick out her name."

The puppy began barking and crying and Brenda put her back down on the grass. Jillian smiled as she watched the puppy sniff the grass. The bell on the puppy's collar continued to jingle each time she moved.

Jax took Jillian's hand. "What name do you think is good for her?"

Jillian tapped her finger on her cheek as she thought. "She has a bell so maybe Jingle Bell."

Jax paused. "Jingle Bell, that is an interesting name."

Brenda bit the inside of her mouth at the expression on Jax's face. "Jingle Bell is a very nice name. Is there anything else you think would also be good for her?"

Jillian smiled. "She looks like Lady from the movie."

Brenda nodded. "You mean Lady from The Lady in the Tramp?"

Jillian bobbed her head up and down. "Yes, she looks like butterscotch pudding just like Lady and she is beautiful like Lady is too."

"Hmmm. Lady. That is a very pretty name."

Jillian's eyes flew wide open. "Just like Grandmom when Grandpa calls her Lady Jane."

Jax lifted Jillian into his arms. "Well princess, what do you like?"

Jillian sighed. "It is hard to pick a name."

Brenda unwrapped the leash from around the bush. "Jillian, the puppy can have two names just like you do. You could name her Lady and Jingle Bell could be her middle name just like yours is Veronica."

Jax looked at Jillian. "Lady Jingle Bell. Do you like that?"

Jillian beamed. "Oh yes. That is a pretty name."

Jax grinned at her. "Well then Lady Jingle Bell Jacks it is."

Jillian clapped her hands. "I love that name."

Jax put Jillian down on the grass and she ran over to the puppy. "Hey, your new name is Lady. Do you like it?"

The puppy began barking and then started to lick Jillian's face. Jillian looked up at Jax and Brenda. "Mommy and Daddy, she likes her name."

Brenda smiled brightly. "Yes, she does and I think she already loves you."

Jillian hugged the puppy. "I love you and we are going to have so much fun."

Jax put his arm around Brenda as they watched Jillian squeal and giggle as Lady continued to excitedly cry and lick Jillian's hands. They knew it was just the beginning of a great friendship. They also knew that Jillian was happy and that was all they could have ever asked for.

The Barrett/Jacks Penthouse -- 4:00pm

Jax and Brenda carried in the bags of gifts as Jillian carried both Roo-Roo and Patty-Cake Baby in her arms as they walked into the penthouse.

"Grandmom, look at my new doll baby. She plays patty-cake."

Jane smiled and kissed Jillian. "She is lovely. And look how beautiful you look."

Jillian smiled and spun around. "I am wearing the coat you gave me. It twirls."

Jane unbuttoned Jillian's coat. "I see you are wearing coat Grandpa and I gave you for your birthday."

Julia and Jerry came into the living room. Jerry took the gifts from Brenda and kissed her as Julia hugged Jax. John walked into the room and helped Jax and Jerry put the gifts under the tree.

Julia kissed Jillian. "Sweetheart, that is a beautiful dress you are wearing."

Jillian beamed. "Mommy and Daddy gave it to me." Jillian held out her foot. "And my shoes too. And I have new tights. And new underwear with hearts on it."

Brenda took her hand as Jillian started to pull up her dress to show off her new underwear. "Sweetie, remember what Mommy said about not showing people your underwear?"

Jerry laughed and patted Jax on the back. "But what kind of fun will that be for the guys she dates?"

Jax shook his head. "Jillian and I made a deal when she was about three months old. She is never dating."

John chuckled and then spoke to Jillian. "What is this I hear about a special gift that Santa Claus left for you?"

Jillian ran over to John. "Grandpa, Santa gave me a puppy."

"You have a puppy?"

Jillian giggled. "Yes, it is a girl and she is so soft."

Jerry walked over to Jillian. "A puppy? I told you to ask Santa Claus for a kangaroo. I bet you would have been the only one of your friends with a kangaroo."

Jillian looked up at Jerry. "I wanted a puppy. Roo-Roo is my kangaroo."

Julia patted Jerry's shoulder as she walked by him. "Well that answers that." Julia sat next to John on the sofa. "Jillian, what is your puppy's name?"

Jillian smiled. "Lady Jingle Bell."

"Lady Jingle Bell?" Jerry started to laugh and Julia kicked him in the shin.

Jillian nodded. "Yes, Lady is for Lady and the Tramp and Grandmom and Jingle Bell is for the bell she has on her collar" Jillian laughed. "It jingles when she walks."

Jerry laughed again. "You named your puppy after Grandmom?" He then turned to Jane. "Mum, you must be thrilled."

Jane sighed. "Son, you are just jealous."

Jax patted Jerry on the shoulder. "Jillian named a worm after you once. It was right before she had me step on it and kill it."

Jillian put her hand up to her mouth and started giggling. Jerry tugged at the bow in her hair. "Watch out munchkin or I will give your Christmas presents to the puppy."

Julia shook her head at Jillian. "Don't listen to him, he is just upset because Santa Claus only left coal lumps in his stocking."

Jillian laughed again and Brenda picked her up and sat on the couch next Julia and John. "Everyone will have to come over to see Lady."

Jillian nodded. "She is sleeping now. Santa Claus also brought a doggie bed and some toys and dish for her food."

Jane smiled at her. "What else did Santa Claus bring you?"

"A Barbie tent and a stroller for my dolls and a bike. Mommy and Daddy gave me some books and movies and puzzles and a picnic basket."

John patted Jillian's leg. "Young lady, you sound like you had a very nice Christmas."

Jillian beamed. "Yes and I get more presents here."

Brenda shook her head. "Jillian."

John laughed. "The child speaks her mind, she is here to get presents. She is more like her parents every day."

Julia smiled. "John is right and it is time for her to get her gifts. Dinner won't be ready for another hour so now is the perfect time. Jerry, you can be bartender and I will pass out the gifts."

Jax stood up from his chair. "Julia, let me get the gifts with you."

Jillian got up from Brenda's lap. "I want to help too."

Brenda scooted over on the couch next to John as Jane sat down next to her. Jane took Brenda's hand. "How are you my dear?"

Brenda smiled. "I am okay. We both are."

Jane nodded. "When I spoke to Jax this morning, he told me the same thing. You both look wonderful."

Brenda hugged Jane. "Thank you. Thank you for everything you have done for us over the past year. It will never, ever forget it."

Jax looked over at the scene on the couch and John winked at him. Six months ago they were all drowning and now they were beginning to blossom again. Jax smiled and then felt Julia's hand squeeze his shoulder as she too watched the scene unfold. What a difference six months had made.

A few minutes later, Jillian sat on the couch with four very large boxes in front of her. Brenda helped her tear off the paper of the first box from John and Jane. Jax lifted the gift from the box.

Jillian grinned. "I can draw and paint on it."

Jane nodded. "It is an easel Jillian."

Jax turned the easel around. "Look Jillian, the other side is a chalk board. And there are some colored pencils and crayons in the drawer." "

Jillian giggled. "I got new chalk from Santa in my stocking."

Brenda nodded. "Yes and more crayons and magic markers. Now you can draw really pretty pictures."

"Thank you Grandmom and Grandpa."

Jax scooted another gift to Jillian. "Here is another one from Grandmom and Grandpa."

Brenda helped Jillian unwrap the gift. When the paper was removed, Jillian began bopping up and down on the couch. "Mommy, it's a doll house.

"Yes, it is and it is beautiful Jillian. I bet Grandmom has never bought a doll house before."

Jerry spoke up. "Jax had one, didn't he tell you?" Jerry then put his hand over his mouth. "Oops, I just realized I announced one of his deep, dark secrets."

Jax chuckled. "That is okay, I am sending your pink tutu and ballet slippers for display at the business and industry museum downtown. I can see the description now: Corporate raider by day, Prima Ballerina by night."

Julia covered her mouth to stop from laughing and Brenda did the same as Jillian looked inside the doll house. "Mommy, it even has a doggie bed just like the one Lady has."

Jillian ran to Jane's chair and hugged her. She then hugged John. "I love my presents."

John kissed her cheek. "We are very happy you like them."

Jillian ran back over to the couch and Jax helped her unwrap the next big box. Jillian saw the picture on the front of the box and squealed. "Aunt Julia and Uncle Jerry, it is the play beauty shop I saw on TV. It even has the toy hair dryer and shampoo and scissors."

Jerry rolled his eyes as Jillian recited everything that the commercial said. Jerry muttered. "A beauty salon."

Julia shook her head at him. "That is what she asked for so that is what we gave her."

Jerry glared at her. "No, that is what you gave her. I gave her the other gift."

Julia shook her head again. "Yes, the other gift which you have been unwilling to even tell me what it is."

Jax choked back his laughter as he passed Jillian the last box. He helped her unwrap it and laughed as he saw what it was.

Jillian giggled. "It is a sled like the one in Frosty the Snowman."

Jerry let out an exasperated sigh. "Not a sled, a special edition Flexible Flyer. Jillian, you are going to love this."

Julia put her head in her hands and Jax and John burst out laughing.

Jerry ignored them as he sat next to Jillian on the couch. "This is what you use steer and we can put wax on the bottom of the frame so you can go very fast. Your father has no clue as to what he is doing with a sled so I will take you out the first time we get a big snowstorm. There is a great hill in the park."

Jillian smiled. "Grandpa and Daddy took me on a sled at Grandmom and Grandpa's house in the snow. It was fun."

"That was not a real sled. You have not seen anything yet Jillian. On this beauty, you will fly like a bird."

Jillian clapped. "When is it going to snow so we can go really fast?"

Brenda shook her head. "Years from now I hope."

Jerry patted Brenda on the knee. "She will be with me, there is no need to worry."

Jax smirked. "Well, that is certainly open for debate."

Jerry rolled his eyes. "Jasper, I am not the one that steered the sled into the side of the garage."

"No Jeremiah, you just steered one off the cliff. And of course, you just happened to have been using my sled at the time. I will never forget how upsetting that all was."

Jerry shrugged. "I was not that badly hurt -- who cares about a broken leg?"

Jax looked at him. "I was not talking about you. I certainly did not care about your broken arm. I was talking about my sled -- it was destroyed."

"Well, excuse me."

Jax shook his head. "There is no excuse for you, I have been looking for years now."

Jerry shook his head at Jax and then looked back down at Jillian. "Don't worry Roo, I will show you what a Flexible Flyer can really do. Your Daddy can just watch a master in action. You will have a ball Jillian."

Jax nodded. "Yes, I will be there -- with the ambulance for you Jerry."

John laughed and Jillian giggled. "Uncle Jerry, I hope it snows lots and lots. Then we can fly. Thank you for the present."

Jillian then walked over to Julia. "Thank you for the beauty shop. Now when Brooke comes over, I can fix her hair."

Julia hugged her. "You are welcome sweetheart."

Jillian happily sighed as she scooted back on Brenda's lap. "Mommy, I love Christmas. I wish it was Christmas every day."

Brenda wrapped her arms around Jillian as everyone smiled. "I know what you mean sweetie. It is a very special day and it makes everyone happy. Merry Christmas sweetheart."

Jillian leaned her head against Brenda's chest. "Merry Christmas Mommy and everybody."

Sunday, December 31, 2000

The Jacks Residence -- 11:00am

The last five days had passed rather quickly. Jax and Brenda had both taken the week off from work so they enjoyed their time with Jillian. Lady was getting acclimated to them and they were all getting acclimated to her. It definitely was a big plus that Jax had made arrangements with Emily to care for the puppy for ten days before Christmas so that the basic training had been started before Lady came to the house.

John and Jane had spent two nights at the house before heading back to Alaska yesterday. John had become so smitten with Lady that Jane was afraid that the puppy was going to end up being packed into his suitcase. Lady had made a lasting first impression on Jerry when she proceeded to use one of his brand new Italian loafers as a chew toy. Her puppy teeth were like razor blades which Jerry found out first hand when he grabbed the loafer from the clench of her jaw.

Lois and Ned had dinner for Jax, Brenda, Jillian and Robin three days before so that they could all exchange gifts. Robin had brought Matt with her and Brenda and Lois were thrilled. Matt and Robin had seen each other quite a bit since their first official date almost two months ago. Jillian had again been very happy with her gifts. Robin had given both Jillian and Brooke their very first Barbie dolls so the girls had played all night with them. Jillian had also been thrilled with her gift from Lois and Ned. They had given her a desk and chair set for her room. Jillian felt like a very big girl especially since Brenda had received the same gift from Jax.

Tonight was the annual Quartermaine New Year's Eve party. Jax and Brenda had declined the invitation and Jerry and Julia were attending to represent J & J Jacks. Jax and Brenda had decided to spend a quiet evening at home with Jillian. They had made no social plans for the holidays except for their dinner with Ned, Lois, Robin and Matt. Their quiet, family time had given Jax and Brenda the opportunity to come to terms with their feelings.

Brenda was trying to make some decisions now about how to handle her feelings. She looked through the glass panels of the nursery's french doors leading out to the balcony. She smiled as she saw Lady chasing Jax and Jillian around the swing set. Brenda laughed as Jillian dropped her glove and Lady picked it up. Jax scooped up the puppy immediately and handed Jillian back her glove. Brenda looked around the nursery again and then made her first decision of the day.

She left the nursery and walked down the steps. She went into the den and stopped in front of the tiny Christmas tree. It was still beautiful but she knew it was time to remove its decorations and plant it. The tree should have been planted two days ago but she had not been ready to let it go. Now it was time. A stretch of bad weather was forecasted to begin tomorrow and today the weather was sunny and bright. More importantly today was the last day of the year. Tomorrow everything the new year would begin and it would be a time for new beginnings. Brenda decided she had to do the same. Today she would be saying good-bye to more than just the year 2000.

Brenda heard the front door open and she quickly dabbed her eyes with a kleenex. She stepped out into the hallway and waved as Jillian took off her gloves and hat.

Brenda knelt down. "Lady, come here."

The puppy ran a few steps before tripping on the rug in the hall and then falling flat on her chin. Jillian laughed and then watched as Lady got back up and raced to Brenda. Brenda lifted the puppy into her arms. "First of all, gloves are not your toys. I saw you steal Jillian's glove outside. You have your own toys. And second of all, if you had not run in the house, you would not have fallen right on your face."

Jax had taken off Jillian's coat and his own and then he and Jillian walked down the hall to Brenda. They all went into the den and Brenda closed the door and put Lady down. She sniffed around the room as Jillian collapsed onto the couch.

"Mommy, we chased Lady and she chased us. She is afraid of the swings."

"Well, she is still a baby so she may not mind the swings when she gets older. I am sure Lady is very tired so it will be time for her nap in a few minutes."

Jillian frowned slightly. "I wish she could take a nap with me so she is not by herself."

Brenda caressed Jillian's cheek. "Sweetie, Lady has to sleep in her bed in the pantry until she gets older. You know she is not allowed upstairs right now."

Jillian sighed. "I know, I just don't want her to cry and be sad."

Brenda hugged Jillian. "Before you know it, Lady will be almost as big as you are and then we will decide where she will sleep. Lady likes her bed and she has her toys and she knows we are here."

"Okay Mommy."

"Jillian, after we take Lady in for her nap, Mommy wants you to help her take the decorations off the baby Christmas tree."

Jillian looked up at Brenda. "So Daddy can plant it outside?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes, sweetie." Brenda then looked at Jax. "Daddy, are you ready to plant the tree this afternoon?"

Jax smiled at Brenda. "I'm ready if you are."

"I am. Today is the day to start letting go." Brenda sat next to Jillian on the sofa. "You and I will take off the decorations and then Daddy will plant it this afternoon while you take your nap. Then we will all go look at how pretty it looks outside before it gets dark."

"Mommy, can Lady come with us when we look at the tree?"

Brenda smiled. "Of course. Lady is part of the family now."

Jax picked up the puppy as she began to chew at the fringe of the oriental rug. "You won't be part of the family long if you keep that up."

Jillian got up from the couch. "Lady, it is time for your nap. You can't come with us to look at the tree if you get punished."

Brenda laughed as Jax handed her the puppy. She and Jillian left the den to take Lady to her bed. Jax remained in the den and stared at the tiny tree. There was going to be a huge void without it in the room. It had given them so much over the past week.

Jax walked over to the tree and touched the gold watch. For a week, a part of him felt that he had been able to give the watch to Jamie -- at least Jamie's tree had it. Now, the watch would go back into the box....

Jax shook his head, going down this path again was not going to accomplish anything. He took a deep breath as he realized Brenda was right. She had said it on Christmas Eve and then again today, they had to start letting go of the pain. He would start with the watch. It would go back into the drawer as always until a special occasion arose for Jax to wear it. And when Jax did, it would remind him of the son that he loved -- period. It was time to say good-bye to the pain and only concentrate on the love.

Later that afternoon, Jax was in the side yard filling in the hole around where he had just planted the tree. Jax thought he had found the perfect spot for the tree. It was next to the tulip garden which had been planted after Jillian's birth. You could see both the tree and the tulip garden from the windows of the master suite and Jillian's bedroom. Jax gently patted down the soil around the base of the tree. He then stood up and walked around the tree to ensure that it looked securely planted.

Jax took a deep breath as he stopped and looked at the tree. He reached down and broke a small branch from one of the limbs. He brought it to his nose and inhaled the fresh pine scent. Jax smiled and then slowly exhaled. He sat down on the stone bench next to the tulip garden. Jax looked at the tree and then up at the blue sky. It was again time to start letting go.

"Jamie, this tree is for you. Actually, it is for all of us. Daddy and Mommy are going to take extra special care of it. We will see it from our bedroom window every morning and so will Jillian from hers. In the springtime, Mommy and Jillian's pink and white tulips are going to be blooming right next to your tree. They will be beautiful and Mommy will come out here and sit for hours."

Jax laughed to himself and smiled. "Your Mommy is someone very special. She is actually quite extraordinary. I will lay odds that she will be out here in the winter every time it snows so that she can brush the snow from the branches of your tree. In the spring, she will be out here with the tulips and in the summer, she will be checking to make sure your tree is getting enough water. Then in the autumn, she will be clearing its branches of the dead leaves that have fallen from that big maple tree over there. Your Mommy will take care of your tree with as much love as she would have given to you."

Jax took a deep breath again. "I hope you know how much your Mommy loves you. I love you and so does Jillian. I wish you were here with all of us. You are in our hearts forever so we will always carry a part of you with us. I hope you will always have a part of us with you as well. A day won't go by when I don't think about you. I would have given anything to be able to take care of you for the next fifty years but that is not going to happen. Now you are away from us and God is taking care of you instead of me."

Jax choked back the sob in his throat and closed his eyes for a minute. "Jamie, I just need you to know that I love you. You will always be my son. I loved you from the first moment I knew about your existence and every day that love just grew. Even though you are not physically here with us, I am never going to stop loving you and neither is your Mommy or your big sister. You are one of the angels in heaven now but you were our little angel first. You will be with us forever."

Jax brushed back the tears from his cheeks and took several deep breaths as he sat on the bench. He suddenly realized that a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was amazing how heavy and onerous pain could be. Jax then heard Jillian's squeals as she and Brenda appeared from the front yard and headed toward him. Brenda had Lady on the leash and the puppy was trying to chase Jillian again.

Jax smiled at Jillian and then looked at Brenda. "What is the devil doing now?"

Brenda rolled her eyes. "She discovered the laces to Jillian's sneakers. I guess that is this afternoon's realization."

Jax laughed and Jillian stood in front of the tree. "Daddy, the Christmas tree looks just like a real tree in the ground now."

Brenda sat next to Jax and smiled. "It is a real tree, a very special real tree."

Jillian nodded. "It looks pretty."

Brenda took Jax's hand. "It looks beautiful and I am so happy that it is next to the tulip garden. It is perfect."

Jax interlocked her fingers with his. "I thought it was the perfect spot. Now he can always be close to you and Jillian's flowers."

Jillian looked up at the sky. "Daddy and Mommy, heaven is right up there in the sky. Now Jamie can see the tree every day and he will be happy."

Jax lifted Jillian into his lap. "Yes Jillian and that means we all will be happy."

Brenda nodded. "Yes, we are all going to be very happy."

Brenda lifted Lady into her lap and Jax put his arm around Brenda. Jillian petted Lady's head and then look up at both Jax and Brenda. "Lady will be happy too. She is part of the family now."

Jax rubbed Jillian's shoulder. "Yes, she is part of the family now so Lady will be happy too."

Jillian sighed. "Good. Now Daddy, Mommy, Jamie and Lady are happy. And me. We are lucky."

Brenda kissed Jillian's cheek. "Yes, we are lucky. Very lucky Jillian. The angels are watching over all of us."

The Jacks Residence -- 10:45pm

Brenda checked on Jillian and then walked down the hall toward the master suite. She smiled as she passed the writing desk which sat in the alcove across from the nursery. She still had to find the perfect spot for the desk but for now, the alcove was its temporary home. Brenda walked into the master suite and saw Jax sitting on the chair by the fire.

Brenda put her hands on his shoulders. "Honey, are you okay?"

Jax smiled as he looked up at her. "Yes, I really am."

Brenda slid into his lap. "I saw you sitting on the bench after you had planted tree. I waited to bring Jillian out so that you could have some time alone. Did it help?"

Jax put his arms around Brenda. "It did. I feel a sense of serenity now. You were right, it is time to let go of the pain."

Brenda threaded her fingers through Jax's hair. "Now, I just have to take my own advice."

"You'll know when you are ready."

Brenda nodded. "I am ready."

Jax massaged Brenda's shoulders. "Have you figured out how?"

"Yes, I think so. Actually Melanie gave me the suggestion so I could have it when I felt that I was ready. I think the time has come."

Jax's eyes locked with hers. "Do you want company?"

Brenda smiled. "I will later but I have to do the first part of this alone."

Jax brushed his cheek against the side of Brenda's face. "Okay sweetie. I am going to take Lady outside for a few minutes and then come up and take a shower. I will be here whenever you need me."

Brenda rested her head on Jax's shoulder. "Okay. I should be ready by then. I love you."

Jax kissed the top of her head. "I love you too."

Brenda got up from his lap and Jax stood up and then walked downstairs to take the puppy outside. Brenda walked over to the dresser and picked up Jamie's blanket and the stationery and pen which sat underneath it. She sighed deeply and then left the suite. She walked down the hall to the nursery. Brenda flipped the light switch and then entered the room. As she turned to sit down on the floor, she caught sight of the writing desk in the alcove across the hall.

Brenda placed the blanket, stationery and pen on the rug and walked into the alcove. She grabbed the desk chair and carried it into the nursery. Then she walked back into the alcove and lifted up one end of the desk. She smiled, it was relatively light. Brenda gently placed one set of the desk's legs onto the rug in the hall and then swung the other side of the desk around so that all four legs were now on the hallway rug. She slowly pushed the desk across the hall until it reached the edge of the hallway carpet at the entrance to the nursery. She then lifted the desk up and walked the three steps across the hardwood floor until she reached the carpet on the nursery floor. Brenda placed the desk onto the carpet and then pushed the desk to where she wanted it. She moved it in front of the window which looked out onto one side of the balcony. The french doors were beside her leading out to the center of the balcony.

Brenda picked up the blanket and writing supplies and placed them on the desk. She pulled up the chair and sat down. Brenda looked around the room and smiled. She realized she had found the perfect spot for the writing desk. She looked out onto the balcony and smiled again. Right here would also be the ideal location for Jax's telescope. Ideas began popping into her mind and she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Brenda looked down at Jamie's blanket and picked it up. She gently rubbed it against her cheek and then placed it on her lap. She slowly exhaled as she opened up the box of stationery. Brenda removed a piece of her favorite linen stationery from the box. She then picked up her favorite Waterman L'Etalon roller ball pen. It was time to speak from her heart.

My Little Angel,

I am sitting here in the room that was to have belonged to you. It was going to be the place where you would always be surrounded by love and joy. It was where you would be kept safe and warm. It was to have been your home. But you never came home and we all mourned. Even this room mourned. We have all suffered a year filled with pain and agony and sadness and darkness. Now, that has to come to an end. I only want the love.

I know now that the pain is interfering with the love and the joy. Jamie, if I could only put into words how much I love you. I could never explain it in a thousand hours or a thousand letters but I have to believe that somehow you know. You were loved and wanted from the moment you were conceived. I felt you in my heart from that very first instant. You are still there now and you will be forever.

You are in your Daddy's heart as well. He loves you as much I do. You are his son and I can't tell you how much that means to him. I would have done anything to give the two of you time together. If I could have seen just one smile shared between the two of you, I would have given up everything else. Your Daddy had so many dreams for you and he would have made them all come true. No one could have loved and protected you more.

I now understand that letting go of the pain won't affect any of the love I feel for you. I am not letting go of you, that would be as impossible as stopping the ocean from reaching the shore or stopping the sun from rising in the sky. But Daddy and I need to let go of the pain. And so does this room. We have to do it for ourselves and for Jillian. We also have to do it for you. When I think about you, I only want to think about the love and joy -- and nothing more.

This room is going to help us do that. I promise that this room will be filled with love and joy. It will be bright and emanate happiness. This room will be safe and warm. It will still be home but now it will be home for all of us. This room will be like my heart because there, you will always be surrounded by love and joy and kept safe and warm. You will be in my heart forever.

I will see the love from which you were created every time I look in your Daddy's eyes. I will be reminded of you each time Jillian smiles. When I hear laughter, I will think of you and the other angels in heaven. Your tree will be a symbol of your place in our lives. I will think about you everyday and feel you in my heart. You will always be my little angel and I will always be your Mommy. Nothing can ever change that and I know that God will keep you safe for me. Just remember we all love you.

Sweet dreams, my little angel.

All my love,

Mommy xxoo

Brenda bit her bottom lip as a few tears fell to the linen stationery. She brought the letter to her lips and kissed it leaving the outline of her lipstick next to the water marks left by her tears. Brenda folded the stationery in half and put it in the envelope. She wrote Jamie's name on the front of the envelope and then placed the envelope on the desk top.

Brenda lifted Jamie's blanket from her lap and brought it to her face. She kissed the soft material and then carefully folded the blanket into a small rectangle. She placed it next to the letter on the desk. Brenda got up from the chair and opened the french doors. She stood on the balcony and looked down at the tree as the moonlight shined upon its branches. It was beautiful and the night seemed so peaceful. Brenda smiled as she realized it was she who felt at peace. Brenda walked back into the room and was locking the french doors as she heard Jax's voice behind her.

"I see you found a spot for your desk."

Brenda turned around to face him. "The perfect place."

Jax walked into the room. "It looks beautiful."

Brenda smiled. "I think your telescope will be perfect in here and Jillian's doll house and the rocking horse your parents bought her before she was born. And we can get some bookcases and fill them with your first editions and pick up two chairs and a table and some plants so it will be comfortable to read in here."

Jax stroked Brenda's jawline with his palm. "I see you have been thinking about this."

Brenda nodded. "What do you think about a shade of yellow paint for the walls? Something bright and warm. We can stay with the royal blue as an accent color."

Jax flashed her a huge grin. "I think it would be perfect. We can call and have painters in here next week and make arrangements for anything else you need."

Brenda looked up at him. "I want us to do this ourselves. We can paint next weekend and start looking for bookcases and the furniture."

Jax shook his head and smiled. "I can't tell you that I am Leonardo da Vinci with my painting skills but I think we can do it."

Brenda rested her head against his chest. "I know we can."

Jax looked down at the desk and saw the envelope addressed to Jamie. "I see you put your desk to use."

Brenda stepped slightly away from Jax. "Yes. I told Jamie I would fill this room with love and joy and brightness and that we had to let go of the pain."

Jax cradled the back of her head in his hands. "Did it help you?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes."

Jax smiled. "I am glad. Now what?"

Brenda sighed. "I want to go upstairs to the attic and put the blanket and letter away. I am keeping the stocking with the Christmas decorations so we will always have a remembrance of Jamie at Christmas. It would be impossible not to include him in the holiday in some way."

"Are you sure you want to go up to the attic?"

Brenda nodded again. "Yes. It's been a year and I don't think Jamie wants us to dwell on the sadness any longer. I am tired of sad. In a few minutes, a new year begins and I want to do the same."

Jax took her hand. "Are you ready?"

"Yes, I am ready."

Jax put his hand into the pocket of his robe and pulled out the tiny tree branch he had broken off from Jamie's tree this afternoon. "Will you put this in your letter?"

Brenda smiled. "Of course." She opened the envelope and placed the branch inside.

Jax sighed. "Now we are both ready."

Jax and Brenda left the nursery and walked up the attic steps. Jax turned on the light and then Brenda handed him the blanket. They walked over to the cedar chest and Brenda bent down and opened its lid. She picked up the chocolate colored teddy bear that she had bought for Jamie as his first gift. Brenda ran her fingers over its fur and then placed it back into the chest. She touched the other items in the chest which belonged to Jamie and then stood up again.

Jax put the blanket in the chest next to the teddy bear and then Brenda put the letter on top of the blanket. She leaned back against Jax as he stood behind her. "We have the tree and we will have the new room so a part of him will be with us."

Jax kissed the top of her head. "Yes and more importantly, we have him in our hearts."

Brenda closed her eyes for a moment. "Always."

Brenda then looked up at Jax and nodded. They both bent down and placed a hand on an end of the lid to the chest. Jax and Brenda gently closed the lid and then Jax pulled her into this arms. Jax tenderly rubbed her back as he held her. They both knew they were only putting away the pain and closing the lid on the sadness of the past year. Nothing could do that to the love.

It was almost midnight when they left the attic. Brenda squeezed Jax's hand in hers. "Let's go check on our other angel."

They walked down the hall to Jillian's room and Brenda tiptoed into the room ahead of Jax. Her heart lurched as she felt the empty bed. She called out Jillian's name as Jax flipped on the light. Brenda knelt down and looked under the bed as Jax ran down the hall to the master suite to see if Jillian had gotten into their bed. Brenda was almost hyperventilating as she turned the light on in the dark bathroom and found no sign of Jillian.

Brenda ran out of Jillian's room and checked the guest room across the hall. She ran out in the hall as Jax left the master suite. "She is not here."

Jax grabbed Brenda's arms. "Brenda, don't panic. She is here."

Brenda tried to catch her breath. "Maybe she woke up and went downstairs to look for us?"

They raced down the steps and Brenda ran into the den while Jax went into the living room. There was no sign of Jillian in either place. They both ran to the dining room and then to the kitchen. Both rooms were dark and Jillian was nowhere in sight.

Brenda's legs were about to collapse beneath her as she saw a small beam of light coming from under the pantry door. She catapulted across the kitchen and pushed open the pantry door. She leaned against the door frame for support as she shook her head and smiled. There was Jillian with her pillow and her blanket asleep on the tile floor next to Lady's bed. Roo-Roo was clutched tightly in one arm while Jillian's other arm rested on Lady's back. Jillian's little Fisher-Price flashlight, which she kept under her bed in case the lights ever went out, was sitting next to her and had been left on. It was the small beam of light that Brenda had seen coming from under the pantry door.

Jax squeezed Brenda's shoulders and then stepped into the pantry and knelt down and picked up Jillian and her belongings. Jillian awakened. "Daddy."

Brenda grabbed the pillow and flashlight from Jax. "Angel, we are taking you back to your bed. You can't sleep on the floor with Lady."

Jillian lifted up her head from Jax's shoulder. "I had a dream and I heard Lady crying. I had to stay with her so she would not be sad."

Jax whispered to her. "Lady will be fine. She is not sad."

Brenda turned out the kitchen light and followed Jax up the stairs. He sat Jillian on the bed and took off her slippers. Brenda put her pillow back on the bed and Jax then tucked Jillian under the blankets.

Jillian yawned. "I remembered to put on my slippers Mommy."

Brenda shook her head and smiled. "Yes, you did. But Mommy and Daddy could not find you and that scared us. If you have another dream like that, come and get Mommy or Daddy."

Jax caressed Jillian's cheek. "Princess we don't want you getting sick or falling or wandering around in the dark."

Jillian closed her eyes. "Okay, I promise. Will you go tuck in Lady before you go to bed?"

Brenda nodded. "Yes, we will. Now it is time for you to go to sleep."

Jillian whispered as she drifted off to sleep. "Good night Mommy and Daddy. I love you."

Brenda kissed her forehead. "Good night. We love you. Sweet dreams, my angel."

Brenda got up from the bed as the clock in the foyer began to strike midnight. Jax turned off the light in the room and then he and Brenda walked out into the lit hallway. They stood in the doorway and looked at Jillian as the clock struck twelve -- ringing in the new year.

Brenda sighed and looked again at the image of a sleeping Jillian before her and at the vision of a sleeping Jamie in her heart. She smiled as Jax wrapped his arms around her waist. Brenda whispered into the night. "I love you, my angels." Jax rested his chin on her head and murmured into the darkness. "Good night and sweet dreams to all of my angels."

To be continued

SONG CREDITS: "Tears in Heaven" by Eric Clapton

Circle of Love Index Page