Scary spiders, and other gripes with Nature...

I have just come across a nasty looking spider in the kitchen.  I think I drowned the bastard in the sink, but I didn't see the devious miscreant go down the plug hole.  The fuckers here are fast.  That son-of-a-bitch could have leapt five feet in the air, and even now be planning an assault - catching me unawares as I make myself a lovely cup of tea.

There are many fiendish creatures in the service of menace in this country.  Spiders are the least of your worries.  They tend to keep to themselves, taking care of their spider interests.  It's the cute and furry ones you have to watch out for.

Don't let "Skippy", that shameless exercise in pro kangaroo propaganda, fool you into thinking that you can trust these creatures.  Cameramen and other stage hands were viciously mauled on a daily basis during production.  I find the following excerpt from the information pamphlet "Australian Wildlife:  Get them before they get you." (Bruce Chazwogga, Arsehole Press 1956) to be very valuable information: "A Kangaroo will gladly tear your lungs out and play Kangaroo bag pipes with them as soon as give you the time of day."

Koalas are no better.  Assuming they exist at all, that is.  I find it convenient that Koalas have a reputation for being asleep for most of the day and therefore not moving much.  This provides a handy excuse for any park ranger, or one of his little devil helpers, to give to inquisitive tourists who doubt the koalaishness of the stuffed toy that's nailed to a tree.
  I came across a number of moving "Koalas" one day.  One was waving a paw back and forth.  even a brief inspection revealed that this was an animatronic puppet.  For fuck's sake.  Another, however was climbing from branch to branch.  This perplexed me momentarily, until a thorough examination revealed feline shenanigans of the highest level.  The "Koala" was little more than a cat masquerading as a national emblem.  The zipper was the give away.  Then I was escorted away from the Koala Sanctuary.