The world needs some solutions to all of its problems. A wise man once said, "It's a rare condition in this day and age to read any good news on the newspaper page." Ok, so it wasn't exactly a wise man who said that. It was the theme to Family Matters. The fact remains that I think the world could use some suggestions about how to fix itself. Oh, and I also hate Family Matters. What follows is a list of what I believe would help the world become a much better place to live in. Somebody kick Steve Urkel in the face. I hate Steve Urkel. I can't believe I started this page with a reference to that crappy sitcom. The show itself wasn't too bad. I could deal with the fat cop father and the wisecracking grandmother, but as soon as that suspender-wearing asshole ran into that house yelling "Hidey ho, Winslows!" the show became quite possibly the most evil thing to hit American television since Full House. Making Family Matters cease to exist isn't enough. The final cast needs to get together for one final show. A quick summary of that show can be read below. The full version will feature much more violence and maybe some girls mud wrestling in the background. THE FINAL EPISODE OF FAMILY MATTERS "My name's Carl Winslow. I just got done telling an amusing anecdote about my day at work as a cop. I sure am glad Steve Urkel hasn't opened our always-unlocked door and started yelling and snorting." "My name is Laura and I, too, am happy that that Urkel kid hasn't run through our door and started humping me. You'd think he'd get the message after an ungodly amount of episodes, but no, he never listens. Why is my hair so lopsided?" Opens the door, grabs his suspenders, laughs and says in a high-pitched stuffed-nose voice: "Hidey ho, Winslows!" Walks into the room carrying a tray. Smiles and says: "Oh hi, Steve! I just made some cookies! You want some?" "He won't be eating cookies where he's going." Loads shotgun. "Hey big man! What's up?" Snorts. Laughs. Snorts again. "Stop snorting and die, little man." Fires four rounds into Steve's stomach. "Hahaha! Who's laughing and snorting now, you catch phrase-spewing bastard!" Collapses from a heart attack "Ugh, I'm dead. Years of obesity have finally ended my miserable, fat life." Gets dragged away by a moose roaming the set. "Yeah, I hate you, too, Steve!" Reveals that her tray is full of Chinese throwing stars along with cookies. Throws stars and a couple cookies at Steve. "Ha!" Walks away. Ouch! Snorts. Laughs. Bleeds. Runs into the room carrying a knife. "DIE, STEVE!!!" Falls and lands on her knife. "......" (Can't talk, she's dead.) "Hey Steve, you suck!" Walks over and kicks Steve. "Eguah! That hurts!" Snorts. Bleeds. Coughs up small intestine. "Time to die, all of you!" Transforms into Miss Cleo "Hey, man! For only 99 cents a minute you can hear mee say theengs you already knew! I'll probably menshon a crush and maybe a pregnoncy. Then I'll tulk about da King of Cups and how he tells me someting about how yor lover is cheating on yoo. And you don't even have a lover, you loser! Why don't you go play with your action figures and sleep in yor race car bed?!" "What the hell?! You'd think we'd notice something like that. Oh well." Realizes he's still dead. Falls down. The entire cast suddenly bursts into flames. "Well, now that everybody is dead, I have something to say! Watch reruns of Full House weeknights at 6 PM on channel 62!" Gets shot in the face. That concludes the proposed final episode of Family Matters. It should be noted that all actors must actually die to make this particular show a success. This prevents any possible reunion episodes.