Memorial Day: A guide for those who don't know how to celebrate May 28th is Memorial day. Most people celebrate today by waking up, pushing whoever they woke up with out of their bed, then showering, taking off their clothes (now wet, from the shower), and then prancing around the house naked. What the hell is wrong with you people? Memorial Day is all about staying true to heroic citizens, dammit, not nude pole dancing in your kitchen. On this glorious of days we remember all the dead vets. These vets have fought long and hard to keep our country safe. Well, not really our country, but more the animals inside of it. They work long hours and don't overcharge too much when neutering your dog. These vets can be found anywhere in your town. The dead ones should hopefully be in the cemetery (more on this later). Those who have died should be kept close in our hearts. Because without them, who would have fixed your cat's broken leg? Awhile ago I had a cat. At one point in its life it thought it could fly. So the moron climbed a tree and I waited patiently for the dickhead to fall on his own. Then I got sick of waiting and threw a brick at the damn thing. Needless to say, the bastard fell down (see below). This is what my cat with the broken leg would have looked like if he were a fox that had been hit by a car. So I take my retarded cat to the vet. Its leg was bent in about four places. Once from falling from the tree and another three for me accidentally dropping it out of the car window three times. I figured that since it was already willing to fly I may as well toss the bastard out of the window in a sad attempt to teach it one more time. So I get to the vet and he takes my cat and says "What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing?" I explained to him how much that cat meant to me, and how much I loved it, and that it was under the impression that it could fly only because I gave it flying lessons for a week and taped a cape to its back. The vet cocked his head to the side and said, "Oh...so what's wrong with it's teeth?" I didn't really understand what the hell he was talking about. I looked at him while I tried to hold back tears and asked him what he could do about my cat's broken leg and whether he could fix it and if my cat was going to survive. He then said something that shocked me. "I'm a fucking dentist." Damn cocky vets. They think they know everything. So I shot him. Well, I didn't, but if I did, this is what would have happened: I shot the vet in the head with the shotgun glued to my right arm. Yeah, I already said that this isn't the truth, so I'm going to make this story interesting. Okay, so I just got done shooting the evil robot vet/dentist in the head with the shotgun a shaman gave me for saving his village from a volcano. The day after I shot him, it was Memorial Day. I felt a little guilty so I dragged his robotic ass onto my neighbor's back yard and buried him like any good citizen would. Then I brought flowers to his grave. Flowers, contrary to popular belief, do not have to be purchased at your local flower shop. Just stop by your local cemetery and borrow flowers from one of the nice dead people there. They won't miss them. They're dead. Anyway, here's a diagram of me giving flowers to the dead android. This is what I'd look like if you added severe acne, nasty hair, and fake flowers. The tombstone written in admiration of that lovable robotic vet/dentist. The common man may read this and think notice one major flaw in my story. They'd say, "But wait, everyone knows robotic vet/dentists don't just die." And that's true. That's why I've taken the liberty of finding a picture of what you may face if a dead vet comes back to feed off of the brains of your pets. These vets come back to get one thing: poontang. Unfortunately for men, they want poontang from guys. This is because they want brains and sex and they could only get sex from women. And maybe some lipstick. Zombies love lipstick. Zombies also love Memorial Day. So next Memorial Day be sure to celebrate properly or a zombie will come to your house dressed as a pirate and bury your fine china in the garden after it snaps your dog's legs while you're at a parade. Memorial Day FAQ I heard there are parades on Memorial Day. Should I go to them? No you should not. Fuck parades. The only reason they have a parade on Memorial Day is so while you're at the parade seeing an oversized inflatable Snoopy a secret group of elite steatlh vets can break into your house and smash all of the legs/necks on your pets. Why, you ask? So you'll have to go see the vets that aren't dead so they can help your iguana recover from its "slip and fall accident" and make enough money to buy enough heroin make an elephant overdose. Isn't a vet somebody who fought in war? No. Fuck you. Is it okay to remember pirates (like the one below) on Memorial Day? No. It isn't. You shouldn't give thanks to any pirates on this day unless this pirate did some great service to your country. Unfortunately, most pirates just make people walk the plank and bury gold. Because hell, why spend your money when you can let it rot under ten feet of sand? It's for this reason that pirates haven't fought in any American wars. Well, that and the fact that most pirates aren't from America. The pirate community was kicked out of the US because the only word they used other than "ahoy" was "ARRR!". So they sailed their eyepatch-wearing asses over to some exotic little island where they can bury all the gold doubloons they want. They're now officially a nation with a flag and everything. Unfortunately, they're about as creative as a rap singer. They've taken a previously existing idea and ruined it. Kind of like when Puff Daddy butchered "I'll Be Watching You". I hate you, Puffy Combs. Here's the flag for Piratia (the name of the Land of the Pirates): Do these jeans make my ass look fat? No, it hides your big ass rather well. If you forget Memorial Day will the vets hate you? No. Unlike an anniversary or birthday, the vets could care less. This is because they have short memories. Oh yeah, and the fact that they're dead helps, too. Are you aware that this entire page hardly talks about Memorial Day? Yes. I could really give two halves of a shit about Memorial Day. I only wrote this page because I have nothing better to do after the bottle of Vaseline is empty.