An undying battle between good and stupid WLW is where I go to get what they call "education." Much of the administration there, however, can hardly handle their hygiene, let alone controlling an entire public school. This is an ongoing page devoted to detailing their wacky management antics! Who knows what crazy shenanigans those authority figures will get into next? The Spirit Day Fiasco(s)     Imagine a day where everyone is unified and happy. Nobody is being hit with paintballs and everybody's clothing is free of mustard. Not a single person is threatened and underclassmen are embraced by their superiors while "Joy to the World" plays over the PA. At the end of this day everyone goes home wearing spotless clothes and a bright smile. What a wonderful day! Dream on, you stupid fuck. That is exactly what didn't happen the '98-'99 school year during Spirit Week. Everyone who wasn't a freshman figured the best way to show they're a member of the best class was to squirt mustard and shoot paintballs at everybody wearing a color that isn't theirs. Freshmen came to school expecting to come home with a limp and "freshman faggot" spray painted on their forehead. How could the seniors accurately manage to get such large words on a kid's face? Custom-made stencils bought at the school store. I was a freshman that year and I walked out without being shot in the face by a CO2 -powered method of pride expression. Other students, however, weren't so lucky. The upperclassmen couldn't even fuck with just the younger students. They felt that fucking up cars and houses would show that they REALLY love their school. Now that is school spirit. The following year Spirit Day had its testicles removed. Its penis was chopped off, stuck in a jar, and placed on a shelf in the main office next to the softcore child pornography tapes. Only a bloody flat spot where Spirit Day's proud genitals remained. The distinct colors that had once been proudly worn by the condiment-toting upperclassmen and the mustard-stained freshmen were now forbidden. Some class unity was created, however, by Go.to/Spiritday, a website that instructed everyone to wear new colors. I happened to be a sophomore that year and my class was lucky enough to be given the color purple. So I wore blue, the junior color. Fuck it. I'm not getting my ass over to the local Fags R Us so I can buy myself a purple shirt. Some classmates thought it was necessary to point out that I was wearing the wrong color. I then found it necessary to point out that they could eat their own shit. Identifying who you had to hate was only easy for a part of the day. Before attending the assembly we were given the lamest shirts I've ever seen. Every class was given a crappy theme. The freshmen were given the theme of disco, so they had shirts that said something retarded like "Whoa, look out! The Freshmen are all dancing the disco! Dance, Freshmen dance! Afros and bellbottoms! Crazy freshmen super disco party! Much excitement!!!" Never let the Japanese exchange students do the writing for your stupid high school T-shirts. The sophomores, once again screwed by planning, not only wore purple but got stuck with the theme of salsa dancing. Our awesome shirts had "Shakin' it up with the Sophomore Salsa" written on them with a picture of two monkeys in people clothes doing what I assume was dancing. The artist must specialize in doing art that's usually more expressive, like fingerpainting, because the salsa dancing monkeys looked like they had previously attempted to give a lawnmower a blowjob. Oh, as if you haven't. Timothy McVeigh, that ice cream-loving corpse, wasn't really angry at the government for Waco. He wasn't even insane, unless you count the fact that he was crazy about WLW!! McVeigh, seen above in the traditional junior colors, didn't cover BMWs in mustard like some of the other hooligans. He decided to blow up a building just to say that his class was the very best. McVeigh, confident that killing people is the best way to show that he loves himself and his class, blew up a van with explosive crap and then shot the president and raped Princess Di or something. What I'm wondering is why he raped a dead chick. And why I get all my information from the retarded kid with no legs who lives down the street in my neighbor's garage. Seen to the right, you can see a group of sophomores thinking "God damn, the junior class knows how to show their pride better than we do." That year Spirit Day was lame and nobody was run over by a big truck bearing the words "Die Freshmen!" like the year before. Nobody limped home. Everybody walked home without sharp, pointed sticks with "class of 01 RULZ!!!" lodged up their asses all in the name of loving your class. All in all, that year was a complete change from the anarchy in the previous year. You'd think the administrators would pat each other on the back (or ass) and say "God damn it, we were responsible people this year. We prevented any students from loving their class so much that they fed a classmate to wild pigs. Maybe we aren't so fucking stupid after all." There was no patting of asses. Apparently something had gone terribly wrong during Spirit Day. Something dark. Something evil. Something that made no fucking sense. They felt that the castrated Spirit Day was too dangerous. The neutered Spirit Day didn't hurt anybody and it didn't hump your leg as much. But the bastards who sit in offices all day and yell at kids from their padded chairs didn't want to remove Spirit Day's genitals. They wanted to kill it. Those filthy cock smokers tried. On Spirit Day, we were allowed to wear a plain white T-shirt decorated with black ink. Two websites were created to piss people off. Western In Chains and A Much Crappier WLW Site helped organized common designs for each class. Most of them consisted of prison stripes for the upperclassmen and targets for the retarded underclassmen who really want to get covered in egg yolk. It was days like this that let everyone see who loved their school and who could see when they were being shat upon. Some people, like Alex Saenz, knew when our school was being a stupid fuck. His shirt read simply, "I hate this school." How profound. I, however, got creative in the 5 minutes before my ride arrived. I took the shirt from last year that said "Shakin' it up with the sophomore salsa" and, by crossing out certain things and labling others, ended up with a shirt that said "Take it up the ass on Spirit Day" with the salsa dancers labled "Dr. McGuire" (principal) and "her dad". Me, being the twisted kid that I am, made sure that Dr. McGuire was the boy monkey and her dad was the girl monkey in the sexy, sexy dress-like thingy. And damn, did he/she look sexy! Other students took advantage of other methods of self-expression. They showed off how their parents were related before they were married. That is, if they ever bothered to get married. Happy little idiots wore shirts that said "Sophmores 4 EVER!" Yes, I'm sure they'll wear that shirt when they're juniors too, because "sophmores" are the best FOREVER, NO MATTER WHAT GRADE THEY'RE IN! The three different Spirit Days showed many things. First, they showed that breaking things shows that you love something. This can be seen at rock concerts across America. People beat the piss out of each other just to say how much they like music. This is why I feel the only way to truly say you love the band is to shoot everybody else. They don't even have to be at the concert. If they're within a mile of you, they probably don't like the band you're seeing as much as you, so you may as well shoot them. Secondly, if things are good, something must be wrong. Don't be satisfied if everyone is happy. Ruin everybody's fun so you look extra responsible and get to pat everybody's ass. Third and finally, WLW's principal is secretly a man, as shown on my carefully labled shirt. If it's been written down, it's true, so we all know that she secretly has a great big cock underneath whatever clown suit she's decided to put on that day. My school is run by fucking idiots.