One Hell of a Woman It looks like Katie's been drinking a little. What was she drinking? Sprite, of course. This year I became acquainted with someone so hot and so gorgeous other women seem dull. So dull, in fact, that I've resorted to having sex with numerous plants and anim-...uh...she just makes other girls seem not as sexy. What makes her sexy, you ask? Oh, you're not asking? Then I'll tell you anyway, fuckhead. First of all, Katie has got a smile pretty enough to kick your grandma's ass and then throw her frumpy geriatric ass down a flight of beautiful stairs. Don't fuck with Katie's smile, kids. It's dangerously sexy. Secondly, this girl can hold her liquor. One time she was able to carry two pints of vodka and a six pack of beer...in one hand! Talk about talented! If I know one thing about Katie, it's that she likes laughing. She also likes having teeth. So wait, that's two things. Ok, let me start over. I know two things about Katie. She loves laughing, having teeth, and backing over cars with her truck. Shit, that's three things. Ah, forget it. Fuck this paragraph. If Katie were to work at Coyote Ugly, she'd dance on top of bar counters and pour beer and stuff. She'd probably wear something tight accidentally fall out of her clothes and proceed to have shower sex with the other hot girls she works with. That's what happened in Coyote Ugly, right? I wouldn't know. I didn't see that movie. If Katie were any hotter her clothes would melt off. That'd be cool. Katie and I share so many things in common it isn't even funny. It's actually kind of scary. So scary, in fact, that you'll fear for your life and wet your pants. Get this: Katie and I BOTH like to eat food. And guess what our favorite thing to breathe is. You guessed it! Air! We both have two feet and we enjoy not living in Canada. It's written in the stars that Katie and I are meant to be. It's also written on the carpet in my living room with black magic marker. I hope you all have come to the conclusion that Katie is awesome. So awesome, in fact, that she and I should get married and have children...for dinner!!! But no, Katie's not interested, so I want all of you to find out who she's dating instead of me and beat him to death with hammers. Have a great day, everyone!