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BROKEN ENGLISH

A SHORT ROCK EPISODE BY STONE SUNDAY

-- Yes. Let's go over it once again.

-- What?

-- Look, sir, we've got some serious trouble here and...

-- Again?

-- ... yes... we're under a deadline...

-- I didn't play, actually. I told you.

-- Didn't you own a guitar at the time? Lemme see... a Spanish guitar... customised. We got that far. It's on tape.

-- Yes, I used to carry it in a checked case...

-- Checked, sir?

-- With squares on it, you know... the design.

-- Autographed by Kerouac, wasn't it?

-- Kerouac? No, never heard of...

-- Enough of it, sir!

-- Uh?

-- You got a degree in English, another one in Literature, you were at Nottingham University. I don't buy you are not familiar with Kerouac.

-- Well, well, you say Kerouac but... you could tell me about French Simbolism as well... see what I mean?

-- Kerouac, sir.

-- Kerouac! Fuck! The poet, I say. Yes.

-- Was it his signature?

-- Whose?

-- On the guitar.

-- No, no, what the hell Signature... Not at all, it was Peavey.... no, Marshall... No, it was a Spanish guitar... It must have been Ibáñez.

-- You mean Ibanez. Yeah, well then, we checked that and will deal with the Ibanez bass guy later. That was not your guitar.

-- But it was mine, I bought it and good money I paid.

-- Are you saying you bought that bass guitar?

-- I bought the guitar.

-- When was that?

-- Can't recall right now.

-- Now, sir, I want you to go through these tapes and tell me exactly which pieces you played bass in. Got it?

-- Fuck, fuck, fuck... The tapes! I remember this one.

-- Did you play bass here? Which tracks?

-- I did never play bass. It was that bloke...

-- ... with the funny name, yeah, we got that too. But you say you bought the bass guitar from him and, as it happens, we got two basses in a couple of songs. Please, sir, you'll have to try harder to put this straight.

-- Two basses? Not that I know. There was one bass only. Sunday played two lines simultaneously.

-- Yeah, well, I might not have a bunch of degrees but we happen to have some specialists helping us over and that's impossible.

-- I know for sure. He told me.

-- Couldn't he have lied?

-- I don't think so. He used to be very reliable.

-- How come then he tried to hit you... with this very same bass we're discussing?

-- Oh, well! That was completely different. Another settle of dish, so to speak.

-- You mean another kettle of fish, sir?

-- Grammar, grammar... you Brits are always... All of them were reliable.

-- Didn't they have you drink whisky while during medication? Repeatedly? Didn't they try to take you out of hospital when you were undergoing psychological treatment to show you out at concerts like a freak?

-- Whisky... whisky, yes... it was not that bad. I played allright.

-- Which tracks?

-- Oh, come on. Look at the credits... I... Carlos... no...