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Denise's Anxiety-, Bipolar-, Panic Disorders and Depression A cry for "sanity" What was I going through and how could I be a part of society. Throughout my childhood I went through periods where I would loose my security and feel alone in my room where no one or nothing could see what was going on and tell me that I was going crazy. I would be taken out of school for periods of time to help with the overwhelming feelings of anxiety. I never spent much time with family or developed close friendships. At the age of 14 I was raped by a guy at my school on a date. This is when my anxiety began to cause me great problems and my parents being so busy with their jobs never seen enough to take me for medical treatment. I had never told them about the rape because my father was a minister I thought about how much shame it may bring to our family. I would be in tears and curled up with panic most of every day. My room again became my safe haven and no one understood me. All I heard was this is all in your head so get up and learn to face the world like everyone else. My family doctor would see me at least three times a week and he would give me pills to just not have to listen to my problems. I would visit the emergency room twice a month at least where they would say I was hyperventilating, give me some Ativan to calm me down and send me home. Was I some freak of the street or some woman just looking for the attention because that's how they always made me feel. I was ill and inside I felt death was coming and that made me even more fearful. In October of '97 I had the worst experience. I faced days of no bladder control or bowel control, in bed crying and screaming in pain for my legs weren't functioning, headaches were constant and the chest pain and heart palpitaions made me fearful. I was weak and getting worse. I would feel a burning sensation throughout my body and I would get word salad where I couldn't speak the words that were in my mind. They would be all scrambled and to even write them down was a no go. My husband took me to the clinic as my vision went this night and when my doctor seen me he had me taken to emergency immediately. My hands were so numb and my fingers crumppled. They gave me some Ativan and the waiting game started. I was shaking in bed and unable to speak a word. My husband sat quietly and I just stared. I was so scared inside that they were going to tell me I was dying. When my doctor came in he explained to us that I was suffering from Chronic Anxiety and Depression. August of last year I was diagnosed with being Bipolar and a sufferer of Panic Disorder. I have gone through a period of being hypo manic and today I am controlled with Tegretol (a mood stabilizer). I have panic attacks at least once every second day and I take Ativan each time as I am just going through Cognitive Therapy and striving to improve my coping skills. I recently lost a baby. He was born in January stillborn and I held my angel which has caused a lot of anxiety for me. I know I am looked at differently by others even my own sisters and brother who keep telling me it's all in my head. Stand up and move forward leave it all behind. If they only had the education and the willingness to support their loved one, maybe we would have a much easier life to live. All I want is the same chance in life that others have with physical illness. Right now I'm unable to get a job because of my illness and this hurts deeply. I stand by others who live the life of the one who seems to be on the outside looking in and I am looking to help to make the changes for us all. Denise   |