DixieLady's IAD and Manic Depression Story

IAD=Internet Addiction Disorder & Manic Depression

I just read you Tidbits submission and am interested in meeting others who suffer from depression and its related illnesses.
I have suffered clinical depression from age 13 which became full blown Manic Depression in 1997.
I have detailed my stories on my homepage too, at http://www.oocities.org/~dixiedoll/ (See RX addiction, Face in the mirror, Internet addiction).

I was a normal, happy and contented housewife and mother. I had no complaints with my life that I was aware of. You know, the house, the car, the occasional night out. Two wonderful grown sons and a husband that loved me. On July 5th,1995 all of that was to change. No one knew it. No one suspected it, but a monster was crawling into my home. It was going to change my life and the lives of my husband, family and many others.

My husband and older son had gone shopping. They returned home with a computer. I did not like them myself because my husband had an Amiga and spent hours on it before it died. I had never really used it. They spent hours getting it set up and around 8 pm that night called to me and said "Mom, come here, we have something just for you." THAT was the beginning of the end.
On the screen was the log on to "America on Line". They walked me me through the initial sign on and helped me select a name. The entire time I was doubtful that there could be anything for me here. Little did I know!!! Minutes later I was on line and looking around. "Ok, I thought, humor them for a while."
They went to watch "Star Trek" leaving me to do my "thing". I happened to see the two little faces at the top of the screen and clicked on it. I found myself in a place with a screen and names and conversation going on. "WOW!" I thought. "Can I type here and other people everywhere can read my words and know what I am saying?" I got into a conversation (later to know this was called a chat) and before I realized it the guys were back saying, "It has been over an hour. You have to sign off now because you only have ten free hours for a whole month."
Amused I did and thought "That is not a problem, ten hours is a lot to sit here." But, a day or so later, I was alone at home and again ventured into a chat room and met several people. One a gal from California, we became friends and would meet every so often to chat. Then I met another two from my home state and WE got together and talked.

Much of this was when I was alone and bored so I had no clue how long I was actually on line that month. UNTIL THE AOL BILL CAME.It was for $140.00!!! My initial response was that they MUST have made a mistake. There is no way I was on line THAT much in ONE month! But,when we checked the minute thing on line, indeed I had been. I was in shock. I kept being drawn into the chat rooms to meet my new friends. Then to offset the time I was using over my "free", we got a trial to several other servers. I had GNN, imagination, Prodigy ( more on this in a few) and a couple more. I also got several additional 50 hour trials for AOL under different names. I was spending two hours a night on line and checking mail a couple times during the day (boy those minutes do mount up).
Two months after getting AOL I met some really nice people. A group. We started hanging together.One of them,lived and worked in the same town as my older son. He worked for a major tv network and kept me posted with minute-by-minute news updates. When we went to that town to visit our son, my daughter-in-law and I went to have lunch together. What the guys did not know was that we were meeting this guy. I was so flustered I could not eat. It was funnybut sad. I had a drink instead. He paid for lunchand it was fun but I found out HE was married andthat did not set well with me. But, then so was I,and we WERE only having a social lunch,(AND lying topeople).

At the same time I was talking to a guy in Virginia. He was especially helpful to me in getting to places on the net and with programs etc. Then suddenly he started getting personal. I was flattered because he was 6 years my junior and quite well to do (so he mentioned) I did not really think too much of this until he started sending me sweet emails, and even went so far as to come on line to talk via lap-top and cell phone while on a camping trip (Ok so I was a newbie and naieve then). He wrote me some really beautiful letters too. I also wrote letters back to him too.I said things I never should have said.I stored them in my computer and read them over and over. It was nice to have someone "court" me in a way because I had been married 30 years to the same man. I would chat with him alone whenever we were there during the day. That is I did until he asked me to go to a "room" with him. I did not know about these (rooms) and he just said it was so we could talk faster. I agreed and we went and within minutes he was asking me to have cyber sex with him because he loved me. Well, I did not KNOW what cyber-sex was actually but I DID know I was not into having THAT kind of a relationship with anyone because I loved my husband. My online time was for fun not for anything serious, sinful or whatever. I left the room and signed off. I was in shock. How could he have done this? We had a good friendship going and he ruined it. I refused to talk to him again and the next day went to the directory and started looking for some women to talk to. NO MORE MEN for me.

Well the damage had been done. Almost a week after the incident my husband was clearing files and found the letters from my friend. He was angry enough that I was scared. He refused to listen to what had happened (I now agree that I was to blame for a great deal of it and never should have gotten into it to begin with) and how I handled the situation. HE put down a no men rule (which I had already done anyway) and life continued.

That week I met two women. One became my soul mate and one was a writer with a book about to be published. Today she is on her second book, a movie, and two more books coming!!!

I also went to prodigy again at that time. I got their 20 hour free thing and spent 40 minutes a night in one of their chat rooms. I became a regular and made some great on line friends. NO ONE came on to me and everyone protected me because I was a lady. Because almost all of us were in the same state we had chat-parties. I went to several of them too. My husband was not thrilled to go but he did.
These parties were drunken brawls really, but we had fun, or I did until one of the couples invited my husband and me into a threesome! So much for chat parties.

I joined a wav club in January 1996. This is a place where you can get sounds and music to use in the chat rooms. I loved them and really started getting some good ones through this exchange club. I would sent two and get maybe 100 in return. Through this group I met several more great people. One in particular became a "best friend" and we chatted and e-mailed all of the time. He never made a pass or said anything out of the way. We talked about our kids and social situations and other interesting topics.

Ok, I was breaking my rule. But I had learned my lesson and it would NOT happen to me twice.
He traveled a lot so when he was on the road I would spend more time writing and I sent him some stories I had written. He loved them and so I continued to supply them to him for months. I felt so close to him. He was someone special to me in his own way. I did not see anything wrong with this because I have always had more men friends than women ones.
By April the two of us had become a real cut-up pair. He would come to my chat room on Prodigy (he was from another state) using a variety of names and crack people up.
In May the bottom was to fall out of my life totally. My friend sent me some beautiful, sensual Blues wavs and I loved them. I did not understand why he sent them to me because they were rather personal in nature and his reply was "I knew you would like them."
My days got really tricky at this time because my husband had been going out to work on a new piece of property we bought and for the first time I was alone a lot.
One day my friend asked it he could call me and in a really down moment I said sure. We talked for four hours. Where did the time go? I have no clue. We talked about so many things it was unreal. Politics, social issues, integration (he is black, I am white).
I did not feel totally right about this and told him that. I told him never to get personal with me because I could not go there. I was married and I was happy.
He also thought he was in love with me. Later he said no, it was love, but more as a wonderful friend.

It was too late. Emotionally I was feeling it and when we talked on the phone several more times I knew something was wrong inside of me, but now I was powerless to change whatever it was. We never went over that line. By this I mean we never had cyber-sex or any of the other on line things that many do that meet someone they are close too. We were friends and we did share a love that would remain alive through more hell than the average two people could.

I had a nervous breakdown. I developed Manic-depression. I lost three months of my life trying to get regulated on medications to help me to be in control of myself.
So ended the first year on line.

I did not know or realize the hell my husband was going through. I could not see beyond my computer screen and the ob session I had developed. I did not know it at the time but during that three months my friend was staying back from me knowing I needed to be with my husband to get myself together. I chased him to the Internet and made him talk to me. I let him know over and over that he too was responsible for this situation and he felt guilty as hell about it too.
But, looking back, I was the married one. I should have seen it, I should have known and been able to walk away but I could not. I should have known by now that this entire world I was in was my down fall. That it was destroying me, my husband, my friend and maybe more people too.
If you are still reading this you are probably shaking your head and saying "THIS can never happen to me." Well, I did too. I swore my logic was good. You think the story ends here? Read on.

Did things get better? No.
In December AOL went to an unlimited pay program and I jumped on it. I was there, playing cards in their casino, making friends and chatting anywhere from 10-13 hours a day. My friend came there too, He had a different name now and no one knew it was he but I.
My husband would come to play in the evening once in a while and HE liked this guy, not knowing it was the same one from the spring before. (oh yes, he knew about him, had talked to him on the computer and on the phone about the problems our "friendship" was creating in our marriage).
We never did anything together though. We were playing cards, having fun and kidding around. Rarely did we even IM each other and we never wrote to each other. I knew better (I knew it would be somewhere in the computer to be found..I had learned something). I knew when he would be gone though and when my friend would be online.
Those were usually the only times I left the computer too. I was so addicted (YES, I can use that word now and KNOW it is true) that I would not leave the computer to cook or eat (I lost down to 94 pounds from 120). I was sleeping, maybe, 5 hours a night. I stopped reading the paper, watching TV and going anywhere. Why? Because THEY all took time away from the computer time and my friend(s).

I started a home page. I worked on it when I had "time" I combed the net for things for the page. It grew. I spent more time working on it. I made changes to it and I added new things to it. I would use the time I should have been asleep to work on it. I HAD to be there when my friend(s) were there. I did not want to miss anything. Whenever possible we were in the casino playing cards (usually from 8 am-midnight if we could).
My friend and I would meet at the table and learn how to play "real poker" before the others came in around 10am. We were the last to leave. We were the group leaders and everyone wanted to be with us at our table. I was honored.

My husband grew sullen and quiet and our married life fell apart. He begged me to go places with him. I would not. He wanted me to eat with him (he cooked) I could not. He asked for a couple hours of my time to watch a TV show or movie. I was not interested (would take me off the puter when my friends were there.)

By March 1997 he had about had it. He was drinking more. Not seriously, but enough that it bothered me. But then, why not? I was not "there" for him.
In April I was lost to him and by May he had had it. He told me to chose between him and the computer. I chose the computer!

He filed for divorce and told me to take my computer and get out. I decided to go to my friends up North. I did not want to go anywhere where I could not have my computer time and friends when I wanted them. I felt safe there. I was understood there. And I was never called an "addict". I spent three months there.

My husband wanted me to come back and try to work things out. The only thing he wanted was for me to give him the time he deserved and to make him number one again. He also wanted my friend out of our lives.
This caused a major problem because this friend and I had come through hell together, gotten over it, and bonded as brother and sister. How do you walk out on your brother forever? I finally did. I knew my now ex-husband was right. I knew I had to do something positive if we were going to have a chance to ever get back together.

The night before I left my friend and I talked. We agreed to not have contact with each other. A couple times I tried and he refused. The once we did talk was because of something serous that had happened to a friend.
It was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make, but I did it.

I cannot tell you that life has returned to its pre-computer ways. I am still addicted to my computer. I am still here 7-8 hours a day but now my man is number one and we have a life off of the computer. We have joined a social group and go out almost every night together. We have two nights a week at home for television too or just us.
He is helping me on my page making backgrounds and animated gifs. We are making a dedicated effort to regain our life together.
We are engaged. We have not set a date but someday we will remarry I think and we will know where we are in our heads too.

My Manic depression is something that I must deal with on a daily basis. I have days when I am depressed and cry more than on other days but I remember the past and I can almost smile now. As for my friend? He is not in my life now. He will always be someone I remember because of what we went through together. He will always be my "friend". I have heard through others that he has finally met someone special and they will marry in August, 1999. May God bless you both forever. I wish I could be there in person, but will be in spirit, my friend.

UPDATE: On November 3rd, 1998 My ex-husband and I were remarried, and are currently back to almost having the wonderful, loving, caring relationship we had for 31 yrs before my illness began. My illness remains fairly stable, with a few brief cycles into depression, and occassional mania. I am happy and content and proud of the efforts and achievements I have been able to make here on the internet, esp. on my own homepages.

DixieLady