This is a big issue that I deal with on a daily basis.
Today and for the past couple of months it has reared it's ugly head again.
You see I have dealt with Alchoholism in a child that I dearly love.
I feel guilty saying this, but for the past 10 years I have been battling this disease for her.
Now she is on her own. It has taken everything from me and her.
I no longer have the energy to deal with it. It has taken not only her but my grandbabies.
I have dealt with her being in at least 7 recovery centers, jail, hospitals and institutions.
I have been on suicide watch over her.
I have watched her become homeless many times and gone through the agony of not knowing
where she was at for months on end while taking care of her children.
I have seen her become a heroine iv drug user. She has come into contact with every drug there is.
Her habit has even forced her into prostitution and theft.
This is my beautiful daughter.
I have been behind her 100% every time she has been in trouble or treatment.
When she finally had her children taken away from her,(I turned her in myself) I think I lost it all.
God played a big part in it I think.
He knew I couldn't raise the children no matter how badly I wanted to.
I was so ill over the losses that I had gone into such a deep depression
that all I could do was obsess over my daughters addiction and the loss of my grandbabies.
One morning I woke up to find myself in a state of almost paralysis to my left side.
I fought going to the hospital, even though I could barely move.
I was having seizures about every 15 minutes that would last from seconds to minutes and paralyze my whole left side.
I thought I was dying and I didn't care. This was 3 years ago.
My son-in-law insisted on taking me to the hospital emergency room.
My husband was out of town at the time.
I had a flicker of hope as my other daughter was about to give birth in the same hospital to their first child.
The thing that kept me gong was the constant prayer that I couldn't die before I saw my new grandchild.
In the emergency room, they did a cat scan and it was pretty much concluded that I had a stroke.
I was admitted to the hospital.
After calling in a neurologist, I was put on dilatin for the seizures that I continued to have.
The neurologist ordered an MRI and within a couple of days after
numerous tests, a diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis was given me.
I was told that I probably have had this disease for many
years but recent trauma had put me into a major attack.
I felt that death would have been a better sentence. From that point on I had to focus on myself and not everyone else's problems.
This is extremely difficult for me as I have always been the caretaker.
I never knew how to take care of myself. Now I was diagnosed with a disease that was devestating.
This disease would take away my independance.. my job, my strength.
I would have to eventually have someone taking care of me.
I would end up being a helpless bedridden pain-racked vegetable.
I was ready to take my own life.
Through the first few months I was completely absorbed into what was happening to me.
I read every book I could get my hands on looking for a positive outlook. I never found one.
At this time I went into denial of the disease.
When no one was looking I would try to excersise run and jump.
I thought there was no way I could be sick with something like this...
Through time I slowly realized that I did have this disease and
I was going to have to deal with it, along with my daughters addiction.
I come to realize that she was very ill too. I knew she would have to help herself as well as me helping myself.
I stopped giving into her every little plea for help. All I could do was pray for her.
I detached myself emotionally from her, because the more I worried about her the harder it made it on me.
My daughter and I had more in common than you know.
She was raped as a child and led down the dark road of drugs and alchohol at a very early age.
I was raped as a child and became very withdrawn not knowing who I really was
or what had happened to me till I dealt with it much later in life.
I was 40 years old before I really dealt with that issue.
It had nearly ruined my life and to come back from that was something in itself.
During the time I was in therapy for my own abuse.. I missed the fact that my own daughter had been abused
and was headed down the same pathway as me, only in a much more destructive way.
She was out to hurt herself. She did a much better job at it than me.
The guilt I felt for missing what happened to my child, while trying to overcome my own was devistating.
I put everyone of my other children aside and focused on making things okay for her.
It wasn't my job as I found out 10 years later.
Now I have come to terms with both my disease and hers.
I still battle the ongoing depression that comes with being pretty much homebound
and unable to do my household chores, walk, play with my grandchildren, dance, be a wife and mother.
One of the biggest hurts is having to tune out the neediness of my daughter as she battles her own illness.
All it takes is one phone call and I will be right back in there trying to solve all of her problems, and I can't any more.
All I can do is put it in God's hands..which is my only comfort.
I deal with pain everyday and I am waiting for the cure.
I don't know if it will be in my lifetime.
Meanwhile all around me I know that other people are suffering also
and my mother always told me there would always be someone worse off than me.
She always looked for the silver lining in the cloud. She also died at a very young age of rhuematiod arthritis.
I watched her suffer for many years and always vowed to myself that if anything
like that ever happened to me I would kill myself so I would not to be a burden on others.
But when it comes right down to it, we always have something to hang onto..
which is precious life itself and to know that this crippled up useless body is only temporary and someday soon
my soul will be free and I will soar with the God, the angels and my mother.
For now I would prefer to remain anonymous for the sake of my children.
But be it known that I think I have been through enough to give support to others who are suffering
and to accept prayers and words of comfort from others. I have learned to be humble.
Thank you and you may write to me at Funnyface500@hotmail.com
God Bless and keep you all!
Funnyface
PS. I have come from a long line of diseases, if anyone would like to talk about any
of the ones I have listed hear please feel free to email me.
Alchoholism and Drug Addiction
Cystic Fibrosis
Cancer
Rhuematiod Arthritis
Reiters Arthritis
Multple Sclerosis
Heart disease
Cereabal Palsy
