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Marianne's Spiritual Journey" First, let me say that the older I get the more I realize the less I know! Sometimes I believe I have the answer to something, I really believe I've 'got it'. The next thing I know I am I receive a hard knock and know that another lesson is about to descend and I am back in to learning mode again. I once made the incredible silly mistake of believing that wisdom had finally come, and that I was being rewarded with the most wonderful gift I could imagine, my soul mate. I met him through the internet, emailed every day and fell totally head over heels in love. Here was my spiritual match, the man who could and wanted to accept me as I am. The man who wanted me on all levels. I no longer needed to hide the spiritual side of myself because it was deemed a load of rubbish. I sold everything I owned, travelled to the land of my birth and moved in with him. It was a disaster. He seemed everything I had believed him to be, we were perfect together, my dreams had become reality and we were to marry and spend our honeymoon on a spiritual journey of re-discovery, we were to tour through all the sacred and spiritual sights of Great Britain, a pilgrimage to re-unite with each other and to link our spirits together. WRONG!!!!! He turned out to be a Manic Depressive with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He managed to hide this very well for the first few halcyon days, and when he started to regress into black moods I thought it was because he didn't want me there, or that it was, or surely must be, something to do with me. His emotional cruelty knew no bounds, he played with me like a cat will with a mouse, until I was on the brink of madness from the pain, and then he would turn again into my beautful soul mate, and just as I started to believe in him again he would revert to the cruelist of monsters. He led me a merry chase (or should I...and I will..accept the personal responsibility of ALLOWING him), I did because I loved him, I did because I knew that under the black energy of his despair, he truly was my soul mate. Four months later, three return trips home, many threatened suicide attempts on his part, totally broken financially, and physically and emotionally at rock bottom, I was admitted to the psychiatric ward of our local hospital with the 'tag' of Major Reactive Depressive. Now, 2 years further down the road, a few weeks short of my 54th birthday, I am still on anti-depressants, and still trying to come to terms with the enormous lessons I had to learn. I believe that if I can recognise and understand them all I will become whole again..there are no short cuts. It took nearly 18 months for me even to be able to hope again, but I am okay with that now, and do look to now and the future. My spirtual belief has got me through, even though I could not reach it for a long time, I knew it was there, safe and sound in a part of me that despair could not touch. As a transpersonal counsellor and therapist I wanted to 'MAKE A DIFFERENCE' and at times I know I do. I direct, act, sing, dance and choreograph in local theatrical productions, I love to write poetry and prose, I sew, knit, and am an enthusiastic reader of spiritual books, and fantasy novels. In fact I have written one fantasy novel and am half way through another. These are both channelled. I can honestly say I have nothing to do with it other than to sit at the computer as the words reach to my finger tips. I am a survivor..I am adopted, my 'parents' separated when I was 13, I was raped at 18 and forced to give up my daughter. I have survived cervical cancer, a viral heart attack, more cancer, and a divorce from my first husband that sent me to the depths of hell, but I clawed my way out of that too! I have come through a second divorce, and believed I had found myself as a person until my little lesson regarding soul mates and the price you are willing to pay. I survive every day, the suicide attempts have lessened and most of the time I feel okay. The reason I am writing this is to let you know that there are honest people on the net, some pretend to be that which they are not, and it is up to us to use our given gift of discrimination to sort through the 'real' people. Spirit Realm is about REAL people, it is about honesty and reliability, it is about those of us on our spiritual journey doing the best we can in this mundane world that is sometimes so difficult to live in. And that is the challenge for us, to be true to self, to trust ourselves and our spirit, to live our belief as best we can, and there are none of us that are perfect...if we were, we would not be here! It is not enough to simply pick up a spiritual book, read it, and believe you've 'got the message' you have to live it, it is one thing to hear truth and be delighted with it, but the spiritual life is not just reading about truth or listening to it, it's about LIVING it, for there is no truth, no truth on earth unless you live it to the very best you can. One of the truths we find so difficult is the truth of who we are, our shadow side is very strong and our ego often gets in the way, we try not to judge, we try to accept all as they are, for we know and acknowledge that we are all part of the one, but how often do we disappoint ourselves? Your heart will always let you know when you have been unspiritual, you will automatically feel a tug in your soul centre that assures you in no uncertain terms that what you said or did was not your 'truth'. When you recognize this, do not castigate yourself, but deal gently and with love with your human-ness, and aim not to repeat the lesson. All life's lessons are about SELF, they may appear, at times, to have nothing to do with you, but they are, bring it back to you and you 'know' it for it is reflected like a mirror back inside your being. Learn to forgive yourself, do not TRY too hard, just BE who you are, and remember that the mundane world reflection of who you are, at any given moment changes! We each make a difference, we are all linked with each other, we are all beautiful, we are all whole beneath the ravages of this life, we are pure...we are spirit. M.W.   |