Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
-- Red Buttons

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
-- George Carlin I'm not into working out.

My philosophy: No pain, no pain.
-- Carol Leifer

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
-- Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
-- Dave Edison

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
-- Johnny Carson

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
-- Jack Mayberry

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
-- Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
-- Jerry Seinfeld

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
-- Lily Tomlin