Feb. 12 2001

Dear diary:

Today, I strolled into town with a suitcase in my hand. Then, I held it high above my head, and gave it a mighty chuckin', right out into the streets. There, several cars swerved out of the way, crashing into things, claiming the souls of millions. I was then banned from the city library fro two months, due to my previous encounters.

Feb 15, 2001

Dear Diary:

Today, I went to Arizona, to see the sights. Above is shown a picture of a men's room I used in the heart of the state of Arizona. You know how pee turns instantly to steam in cold weather? Well, it happened here, too. Only this time the urinal melted. I cried.

Feb 16, 2001

Dear Diary:

Still in Arizona, diary. I kept shouting obscene comments at the tour guide, so he tossed me out the window, and into the desert. Here I stay, with full confidence that he will one day return, with sweaty, open arms, taking me back into his good graces, never ashamed to see my face again. I fried an egg on my head.

Feb 20, 2001

Dear Diary,

He ISN'T COMING BACK, IS HE DIARY?!?! I'VE BEEN HERE FOR DAYS, AND THE DAMN TOUR GUIDE HAS LEFT ME HERE TO ROT!!!!! WHYYYYYYY?????!!!! WHYYYYYYYY?!?! HOLD ON DIARY... SORRY. I HADDA PUKE FRO A SECOND. I'VE GONE 4 WHOLE DAYZ WITHOUT EATING!!!!! Well, diary, i'm off to eat a cactus.

Feb 28, 2001

Dear Diary,

sorry I haven't written for over a week now diary, but I have been comatose. I walked and walked, until finally I came across a friendly mirage, and passed out. A few days later, a cost guard noticed a sudden amount of vultures dying from food poisoning, and, sure enough, they found my lifeless body, lying in the desert, limp, and fulla scorpion eggs. I cried.

Mar 1, 2001

Dear diary,

I am all better, diary! The doctors said I may leave, but they also say not to head toward the desert again! Seems I was shipped off to New England when the hospital in Phoenix burned down when the computer melted down after taking a DNA sample from a rather embarrassing place. Well, now i'm off to scare the children with my hideous scars.

May 2, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today i learned a harsh lesson from nature herself. Never fill up your trousers with small red stones, stand high atop a soap box, do a little jig, and shout, "VIEW ME, FOR I AM HE WHO WEARS STONE-FILLED TROUSERS!!!!" Sure enough, I wound up underneath a... well, you can guess the rest, diary.

May 3, 2001

Dear Diary,

Never make love to a pie like they did in the movie, diary. Especially if it hasn't cooled off yet. ouch.

May 6, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today, I ran into an ear trauma ward with my pants on my head, screeching at the top of my lungs. Now I don't have medical insurance. I cried myself to sleep.

May 14, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today i said to myself,"self, life has given you nothing but suck nuts!!! It's time you take a stand!" So rather than waiting for the DON'T WALK sign to change to WALK like some friggin' spazoid, I simply stepped the hell off the curb and crossed the street the second I came to the crosswalk! All the other people gasped and screamed out loud, no doubt overcome due to my rebellion against society, and within moments, a truck nailed me and I sailed about 50 feet down the street before skidding into a steel pole. I dented the pole.

May 19, 2001

Dear Diary,

Today was a very special day. I found a hobo, just lyin' there in the streets! So, I took him home, and now I keep him in a large footlocker and occasionally throw a slab of raw meat into the footlocker. I laugh as the trunk thumps around as the starved, ravenous hobo fiend thrashed the meat apart. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

May 24, 2001

Dear Diary,

remember back on may 2nd, when i filled my trousers with small red rocks and shouted odd comments? Well, I tried it again, this time with vibrating pagers. WOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 6, 2001

Dear Diary,

It is now summer barbecue season, and I wonder if, to keep mosquitoes from pestering my guests and myself, I should just hang a big plastic bag filled with blood in a tree?

June 13, 2001

Dear Diary,

I got quite angry at a man today, diary. But I managed to subdue my emotions with a simple trick. Whenever I get so mad at someone that I want to kill him, I just run up to his door and ring the bell and run away. But I leave a melon with a drawing of a face on it on his doorstep, with a large knife jammed in the top, with a note attached, saying on it "You". That always makes me feel better.

June 19, 2001

Dear Diary,

I remember a time when a guy I knew had a leaky faucet. All through the night, he would hear a faint "drip, drip" noise, and it drove him crazy. He tried everything to fix the leak. He tried the standard plumbing job, tried repairing it himself, wrapping it up in a rag, using sponges to soak up the water, but nothing seemed to work. So he killed himself.

June 25, 2001

Dear Diary,

I had a dream the other night in which my arm was stuck in a wood-chipper. I pulled and pulled until it finally whipped out and smacked me in the face. Oddly enough, I awoke on the floor, and my shoulder and face hurt immensely.

June 30, 2001

Dear Diary,

I froze my pants today. Then they cracked up and broke apart when I put them on.

July 4, 2001

Dear Diary,

If I made a new type of grenade launcher that could launch a grenade nine hundred yards, and someone asked me, "Can it shoot any farther?" I would say back, "no, that is as far as it goes."

July 7, 2001

Dear Diary,

today I decided to walk around carrying two sacks fulla sand, so if anybody asked me for a hand, I'd say, "sorry, got these sacks."

July 12, 2001

Dear Diary,

I think it would be a good idea if instead of throwing confetti out the window at the parade, we should chuck phone books that have been soaking in water overnight off of tall buildings, or a dictionary, if you can get one.

July 19, 2001

Dear Diary,

I told him "No pickles on that," and yet I bite into my burger and find several pickles. Many people would just cuss and drive off, some might go through the trouble to drive all the back to the drive-through and flipping off the burger guy. But not me. I drove back the next day, and when he asked me would I like fries with that, I simply said "No, but what I would like is to see your home burned to the ground, you fool!" And then I threw it into 5th gear and drove very quickly past the window, and as i went by, I hurled a brick with a note ties to it saying "SOON", and drove off. No harm done, right??? That'll teach him to screw up my order.

July 26, 2001

Dear diary,

I wonder if instead of having cars to drive us everywhere, we ought to just have rockets to launch us about, and we let go when we get to where we want to be, or until the rocket explodes. Whatever.

July 27, 2001

Dear Diary,

I wonder what it would be like if you saw someone walking down the street, and suddenly he burst into flames, and then seeing his face explode, and pieces of his face raining down from above, and then he starts spitting white hot coals from his mouth. Then you would wake up and realize that it was all just a wonderful dream.

THAT IS ALL FOR NOW, JERKYS!!! NOW, GET OUTTA HERE, YOU MAKE ME SICK!!!!