ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???

***THINGS THAT ROCK***

So, you wanna rock like never before, huh??? Well, we have a lot of work to do. And I mean a freakin' LOT!!! See? There was your first lesson: you do not need any grammar to ROCK!!! But first, let's get you into a rockin' mood by exposing you to some things that rock:

Toaster ovens ROCK, because it's virtually impossible to loose your toast in them. You can also fit your head in one, I guess.	Hand warmers totally rock. They get hotter and hotter, yet still not quite as hot as Gabrielle Glaser, who is pretty hot.
Lava lamps rock like there is NO TOMORROW!!!! Ok, Ok... it isn't really lava, but they make the room look all rockin, especially at night.	Bad company TOTALLY rocked!!! If they had an annual award for guys who totally rock, these guys would have a couple.
MINI-ME ROCKS ALL!!!! Mini-me would be right behind bad company in the awards list for guys who totally rock, because HE ROCKS!!! OH, YEAH!!!	Pink Floyd Rocks the house down, even though they aren't that pink. Still, they rock pretty damn hard.
Lava rocks like there is NO freakin' TOMORROW!!! Hell, lava IS rock, only in molten form!! What people don't get is that Lava and Magma are not the same. Magma is still IN the ground, and Lava is ABOVE the ground. But I think Magma is a cooler name.	Bigfoot rocks, simply because he is cool. He is cooler than you, because he and his race have yet to be discovered. But someday we will have the proof.
Led Zeppelin Rocks. Just lookit Jimmy Page! He's playing 2 GUITARS at once!!! That I can safely assume most of you can not do.	Boston rocks my face all over the place!!!! If that ship were real, I would get my rockin' pants on and get in, so I could ROCK LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!

OK, skeezbag, you now have a solid idea of what rockin' is, and what other rockin' thangs are like. If you don't yet, you are truly a loser. (this means you too, Tad!!!) Still, if you still are not quite clear on the concept of rockin', go back and look over the list again. So... ARE YOU READY TO ROCK???

YES / NO

OK, now... what we need is a nickname that says: "I ROCK PEOPLE'S FACES OUT!!!!" OK..... How 'bout one of these:

• Puke Fest
• Circus
• Acid
• Chunkz
• Tad
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• OK, Puke-Fest. Now you have a totally rockin' nickname, now we need a rockin appearance. If you want to totally rock the house down, you must first grow your hair really long. Now, go 3 weeks without shaving at all. Next, fire tad and throw him down the stairs. Tad is a loser with a capital "L".
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• Now, to complete the rockin' continuum, you must A.) Stop having Mommy buy your clothes at J.C. Penny. You can't rock in those loser clothes. B.) Learn to play an instrument. And, no. Kazoos do NOT count, unless you are a friggin' loserpants. Good instrument include: Guitar, Drums, Bass, or anything that can be used to rock. And you totally suck if all you do is pretend to sing and play instruments in tune with a pre-recording done by REAL artists, like N*Sync and Backstreet boys do. Boy, they do NOT rock at all. No way. (See fig. 1 and 2)
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• Fig. 1	Fig. 2
  This is NOT what you want to wind up like. These guys suck.	More like it, Puke-Fest. That is indeed rockin'.

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• Well, Puke- Fest, I have taught you all you'll need to know in order to rock like you have never rocked before. Use this gift wisely, and someday, just maybe, you will make it to Funny Jenkins' Page of Rockin'. Now go, newly made rocker, and go out there and ROCK THE HELL OUT OF EVERYONE!!!
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