I was sitting in the lap of luxury - and then luxury stood up.

 I may rise, but I refuse to shine!

 Love letters, business contracts and money always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

 Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

 Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can. All of them make me laugh. - W.H. Auden

 Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

 Nice front bumper you have there. Shame if something happened to it.

 Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

 Dawn is nature's way of telling you to go to bed.

 Don't make me use uppercase...