Some Short Jokes

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls.  One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more.  On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin. One slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west.  It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.  After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

A police officer arrives at an accident scene where apparently three blondes have leaped to their death from a very tall building. He suddenly notices that one is still breathing so he approaches her and asks, "Why did you three beautiful girls leap out of that building?" The blond answers in a very weak voice, "We wanted to try out our new maxi-pads, with wings..."

An old man and an old woman are sitting in a nursing home and the old man says "I bet you can't guess how old I am." The old woman says "Okay, unzip your pants." The old man unzips his pants and the woman sticks here hand in and plays around for a minute, she pulls her hand out and says "You're 89." The old man looks at her incredulously and asks "How did you know that?" The old woman says "You told me yesterday!"

Two gay guys are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive hard on. Naturally, the guys are fascinated so they watch some more. One of the guys just can't bear it any longer and reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and screws him for six hours solid. When he's done the gorilla throws him back over the cage. An ambulance is called and he's taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him and asks, "are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "He hasn't called, he hasn't written. . ."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. He opened it then slammed it shut, & stormed back in the house. A little later he came out of the house again went to the mail box and opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house he went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here he came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his actions the man asked him "is something wrong?" To which the blond replied, "There certainly is---My computer keeps giving me a message saying ........ "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss) :

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the  same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My  father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he  said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ......just fucking beautiful!'"

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny waves his hand, 'Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!' Miss Rogers: 'All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?' Little Johnny says, 'Mas-tur-bate.' Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful. Little Johnny says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob".

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking," Then Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, .........but I like your thinking.

A kid is at the dinner table and he says, "Mom, I'm Gay."
She says, "Does that mean you suck other men's cocks?"
He says, "Yes."
She says, "Then don't ever complain about my cooking again."

A Kentucky Fried Chicken location in New York had a special on what they were calling the "bucket of Hillary"
-Consisted of two small breasts, two large thighs and a bunch of left wings.