Title: Finding Out Author: Mattress (Love@MulderandScully.co.uk) Rating: NC-17 Classification:  Mulder/Scully Romance (What else?)  Disclaimer:  Well, they're not mine. Wish they were, though.  Their lives would be a LOT more fun! Authors note:  My knowledge of baseball is nonexistent, and you can kinda tell by the fact that Scully knows as little as I do.  And the Millennium kiss didn't happen in this. Timeline:  This happens sometime after Closure, but before Requiem.  And Monday never happened, so Scully didn't find out about Mulder's waterbed. Finding Out - I - Secrets I sigh deeply and start to drum my fingertips on the steering wheel.  This red light always takes forever.  It's not that I don't like taking Scully home, quite the contrary, but this light always seems to wait for me to get to the front of the line of traffic before it turns red.  I turn to Scully and smile at the sight I see.  Her eyes are closed and her hands are folded loosely in her lap.  She looks so peaceful. My gaze drifts, as it has so may times before, to those berry-ripe lips, which are slightly parted, and lack the lipstick she usually wears to work.  They look so smooth and soft.  Rather like a peach.  I start to wonder what it would be like to kiss her there.  On those beautiful peach lips that I could spend hours just looking at.  Her mouth closes as she swallows and then opens a little more, so I can just see the perfect tips of her front teeth. A car suddenly beeps behind me, and I realize that I've been staring a lot longer than I originally thought.  Scully's eyes open sleepily and I tear mine back to the front, hoping she didn't see me staring at her.  I hastily move out of the traffic-lights and onto the road again, kicking myself mentally for letting my guards down for so long.  As I drive down the various back-roads and side-roads, I begin to wonder why it's getting so difficult to cover up my feelings for Scully.  Feelings that, if she ever knew they existed, she would surely shoot me for.  I used to be so detached from her.  So consumed with my work that I only ever thought of her as a friend.  A good friend who cared for me and trusted me so wholly and completely. But as we grew closer with each passing day, she became my lifeline, my touchstone.  My little bit of heaven that I almost never let myself have.  Only when I'm incredibly tired, or afraid, or hurt, do I let her tenderness get through to me and myself counter the affection she bares. I drive down her road and pull up outside her apartment building.  I sit for a little while, waiting patiently for her to make her move and wish me a goodnight.  She doesn't.  I look over at her and smile.  Her eyes are closed, her jaw is slack and there's this most beautifully calm look on her face.  She's fast asleep against the window.  I reach over to touch her shoulder and wake her up, but stop myself just in time.  I don't really wanna wake her.  She looks too peaceful. I just sit and look at her for a moment, contemplating on what I should do.  Then I get out the car and walk around to her side, opening her door, carefully leaning her shoulders against me with my arm.  I reach over her body and undo her seatbelt, being careful when it slides across her body.  She lets out a tiny murmur and I watch her face, not ready for her to wake up just yet.  She simply sighs and quietens again against my arm. I kneel down and slide an arm under her knees and around her shoulders, gently scooping her up into my arms.   Her head lolls against me as I lift her and I stand up, closing the car door with my foot and pressing the button on my key to lock it.  The beep sounds and I, again, check to see that she hasn't awakened.  Nope.  She even sighs again, rubbing her cheek against my jacket collar, seeming happy with her placement in my arms. Steadying her against me, I carry her to her apartment door and unlock it with the key she gave me, stepping inside and closing the door behind us.  For fear of waking her, I leave the lights off and walk straight into her bedroom, laying her slowly down atop the sheets.  I move around the bed to the curtains and pull them gently closed, leaving only a crack of light to illuminate the room softly. What now?  Should I undress her, get her ready for bed?  No.  Not a good idea.  If she were to wake up while I was doing that, she wouldn't like it.  She'd probably shoot me.  She *can* look after herself.  But there's a tiny light at the back of my mind that wants to take care of her.  I feel I owe it to her to do that much. I sigh to myself and argue that she would feel a lot more comfortable in her pajamas than her work clothes.  And I know she hates wearing crinkled clothes, which is what will happen to them if I leave her to sleep in them.  And it wouldn't be as if I'm being disrespectful.  After all, she's undressed me before.  Even though this time is hardly an emergency, I feel the need to return the favor. Concluding that there is no any harm what-so-ever in making her feel comfortable, I slide her shoes off her feet and lay them neatly by the bed, knowing Scully's hatred for untidiness.  Then I sit on the edge of the bed and slip a hand high under her back to lift her gently into a sitting position.  I rest her against me again, her head falling against my chest, and slide her jacket down her arms, pulling it off and folding it over the back of the chair next to her bed.  I watch her face for a moment, but she's still asleep, her mouth curling into a soft, sleepy smile. Stretching an arm around her waist, I begin to undo the buttons of her blouse with the other hand, being as careful as I can not to touch her chest.  I swallow as I realize how easy it would be to fit my hand around her clothed flesh and give her a little squeeze.  I close my eyes for a moment and gather myself together. Releasing the rest of the buttons, I slip the arm that was around her, under her shirt, holding her bare waist, relishing in the close contact I can share with her like this, for just a second.  Then I take her tiny hand in mine and pull the sleeve over her wrist and down, taking the rest of the shirt with it.  I repeat the motion with the other arm, being oh so careful not to stir her.  The soft cotton flows down her arms beautifully, making her skin look so delicate and pale. I place the shirt next to the jacket and turn back to her, noticing a small, colorful mark on her right shoulder.  I frown.  Is it another tattoo?  Studying it more closely, I realize that it's actually a tiny butterfly transfer, one of those things you get free, on the front of a kid's magazine.  I grin to myself, relieved and amused.  An interesting subject to ask her about when she gets to the office on Monday. Attempting to divert my eyes from her plain white bra and the soft skin of her stomach, I lay her gently down into the fluffy pillows again.  I sit back up and touch the back of her hand with my finger, wanting so much to touch her waist and belly, just to see whether the skin I dream about is as soft as I've always imagined it is.  I smile slightly as she moves her head around a little, sighing peacefully, oblivious of my wandering gaze. I let my eyes travel down to the waistband of her slacks and reach to finger the top button a little before pooping it open and drawing down the zipper.  I slide a hand under her lower back and lift her hips slightly, pulling her pants down to rest against her thighs.  Resting her back on the mattress, I inch the offending garment down her perfect legs and over her feet, folding them properly this time and laying them atop the jacket.  A packet of mints falls out of her pocket and I pick them up, placing them on her bedside table. Scully doesn't usually carry sweets around with her, does she?  She's never offered me any.  I shrug and sit on the bed again, passing my eyes over the expanse of skin before me.  I gaze at her body, wonder filling my senses.  I feel a slow smile spreading across my face as I realize how gorgeous she is.  I've only ever seen her like this a few times.  The first time was on our first case together.  When she found those marks on her back.  But I didn't feel anything then. Even in the decontamination shower we kind-of-shared, there was a glass wall between us, so I didn't see much.  But now I realize that she really is beautiful.  Not only inside, but outside as well.  Her skin is so pale, almost silky-white.  I realize why she hates to go out in the sun.  She must burn so easily.  The moonlight streaming through the crack in the curtains plays sparkling games across her skin, making it shine. I tear my eyes from her and look around the room for her nightclothes.  Spotting the corner of her deep red pajamas poking out from underneath the other pillow, I scoot around the bed to slide them out and return to her side again.  I should start from the top and work my way down.  At least I won't have to feel the need to touch the perfect skin of her belly when she's covered up. I lift her against me again, keeping my hands safely on her shoulders and glide the shirt over her head, taking her pretty hands in mine to pull them through as well.  I frown and touch her hands again, noticing that she feels quite cold.  It's certainly a frosty evening and I lay her back on the bed before slipping her shorts over her hips. Yet again, I lift her, hooking my arms under her knees and shoulders, easing her under the duvet and tucking her in like a child.  I smile softly.  I could get used to putting her to bed.  I've never done anything like this before and it makes me feel all warm and tingly inside. Speaking of which, I need to warm her up.  I touch the back of a hand to her cheek and note that her skin is still icy-cold.  Getting up and venturing into her bathroom, I look around for a hot water bottle, or something.  Finding one under her sink, I begin to fill it with scorching water and take a look around this room that I've almost never been in. It's small for a bathroom, much smaller than mine.  It is almost bare, except for the bath, which is covered in bath oils and salts, all the colors of the rainbow.  I smile.  It's nice to know that she lets herself have little indulgences every now and then. The bottle fills to the brim and I wrap it in a towel, before making my way to the door.  As I reach it, I notice that Scully's cabinet is a little open.  Reaching to close it, I spot the edge of something unfamiliar.  I open the mirrored door a little more and frown, suspicious as I suddenly recognize what it is. It's a syringe. Why the hell has Scully got a syringe in her bathroom cabinet? Placing the bottle on the floor, I reach out, hoping that she just has it there for emergencies, that she has never used it at home.  Bringing it closer to my face, I realize that it has been used.  The cap is off and it is wet from being washed out.  It has definitely been used.  Oh my God.  I place it back in the cabinet and step away from it, swallowing the rising bile in my throat.  This cannot be happening.  There's only one plausible explanation for Scully having a used syringe in her bathroom cabinet. Drugs. No. I don't...I won't believe it. Scully wouldn't take drugs.  She's far too sensible.  And anyway, she has no reason to.  I mean, I know our work is stressful, but she wouldn't need...Come to think of it, she has been acting a bit weird around me for a while.  And she's been complaining of headaches this last week.  She just blamed it on working too hard.  I close my eyes, but have to open them again because I suddenly get this terrifying vision of Scully leaning against the wall, injecting herself with... Going limp against the sink because she can't get... I can't bear to think about it. I turn quickly towards the bedroom.  I hope to hell that she hasn't woken up.  I don't want her to know that I know her secret.  I exit the bathroom hastily, clutching the hot water bottle to my chest and step over to the bed again.  I gaze down at the woman I have come to love and respect so much.  Sliding her arm out of the covers, I check the inside of her forearm.  Nothing.  Pushing her sleeve further up, I notice tiny red marks that I recognize as needle points on the outside of her upper arm.  I drop her arm back against the bed, not caring whether she wakes up or not.  And I feel a sudden pang of bitterness towards her that I've never felt before.  A kind of disbelief.  A horror that she would even consider... But she wouldn't...would she? I'm a trained investigator.  The evidence is there, plain and simple.  Scully is taking drugs. Slipping the hot water bottle inside her bed with her, I step backwards, in the direction of the door.  But I don't want to leave.  I want to help her.  I need to help her.  If she's addicted to whatever she's taking, she needs professional help.  She'll need to go on a rehabilitation program, she'll need counseling.  She'll need me to help her through it.  And I will.  I could do nothing else. I stiffen.  She's waking up.  Oh shit.  She can't know I'm here...she mustn't.  She can't know that I know... "Mulder..?" she slurs, moving her head from side to side, as if disorientated.  "What..?" She looks around her and realizes where she is.  She smiles a little. "Did you put me to bed?"  I nod, looking nervously at her.  She glances at the digital clock by her bed and her eyes slowly widen.  "Oh lord," she whispers under her breath, putting a hand to her head and swinging her legs out of bed.  Then she seems to remember me and her eyes grow a little guilty.  She looks down at the floor. I search her eyes for anything that would tell me how she's feeling, but I see nothing familiar.  She hides such a lot from me.  I watch her swallow and start to get up, looking around her, still a little dazed.  She staggers a little and I move reflexively forward to catch her shoulders in my hands. "You okay?" I ask, immediately regretting my move as she pulls away from me and sits shakily back down onto the bed.  Her breathing has grown a little labored and I can hardly keep the tears away as she pulls her legs up onto the bed and squeezes her eyes shut.  My God. She really is in a bad way. "Scully?"  She looks up at me again and takes a deep breath.  "I need to go to the bathroom."  Getting to her feet again, she makes her way, unsteadily to the bathroom door and I shake my head, moving in front of her.  I take her shoulders in my hands and she struggles weakly against me, trying, but failing, to move me out of the way.  "Mulder...please."  Her voice sounds so soft and vunerable that I almost give in.  But if I'm gonna help her through this, I have to be the strong one. "No, Scully.  I can't let you."  She frowns confused and I look down at the floor.  I realize I'm gonna have to tell her what I know. "Mulder, I just need the..." "No," I interrupt her, cupping her jaw with my hand. "I'm not gonna let you go in there and get another fix."  She looks blankly at me for a moment.  Her eyes go out of focus and she starts to shake.  I catch her with my arms around her waist as her knees give way, holding her up as best I can.  "I know about the syringe.  I saw it.  And it's dangerous, Scully.  You need help."  She instantly shakes her head and lifts her eyes to mine. "No...Mulder."  I watch as tears come to her eyes too and I can't help leaving a kiss in her hair. "It's gonna be okay, Scully.  You're gonna be all right." She leans away from me and shakes her head again. "You don't understand." "Then tell me."  I take her hands and lead her to the bed, sitting her down.  "Tell me so that I do." "You need to get me the syringe out of..." "No, Scully.  I'm not gonna inject you with anything...." My words are cut of by a sharp slap across my shoulder. "Mulder.  Listen to me, for Christ sake."  She looks into my eyes in disbelief.  "I'm gonna get very sick if you don't get me that syringe." "But it'll get easier, Scully.  We can..." "Shut up, YOU ASSHOLE!"  I sit, numbed by her sharp words.  "I do not take drugs!" Denial?  Maybe she doesn't call them drugs.  Maybe she won't accept that they hurt her. I look down at my feet. "The marks on your arm give it all away," I say and look into her eyes, which now hold exasperation as well as anger.  She swallows and I see her eyes slowly glazing over. "Mulder.  Do exactly what I say."  I nod, mutely and stand awaiting her command.  "Go into the bathroom and get me a clean syringe out of the small bag that is inside my cabinet." I nod, trying to keep the tears away. "Get me also one of the small bottles filled with a clear substance." I cringe.  She can't make me do this.  "Fill the syringe with 0.5 mills and bring it to me." I hang my head. "Scully..." "Mulder, please.  Just do it." There is a desperate command in her voice that makes me do what she asks.  I walk slowly into the bathroom and fill the syringe with the desired amount.  Sadly, hanging my head I retreat back to the bedroom, holding it out to her.  I do not believe I am doing this.  I do not believe I am helping her hurt herself. She takes it from me and squirts a little, getting the air out.  Then she takes a deep breath and injects all 0.5 mills of the liquid into her upper arm.  She takes the needle out of her and closes her eyes.  I cringe and close mine, not wanting to see her abusing herself like this.  I open my eyes, eventually, and see the cover for the needle sitting on her bedside table, so I hand it to her.  I then watch as she replaces it onto the end of the syringe and lays it onto the bedside table.  Flopping softly back into the pillows, she sighs with relief, resting the back of her hand over her eyes. "Scully?"  She opens her eyes and looks at me, tiredly. "It's nothing to do with what you think."  As she looks away from me, I catch a tear in the corner of her eye.  "I didn't want to tell you.  I guess I should have."  Slowly, she sits up, shifting to lean back against the headboard.  I frown and sit on the bed, reaching for her hand and tapping the back.  She smiles a little and turns it over, weaving her fingers between mine.  She looks down at our joined hands, almost as if she's seeing them for the first time. "So...what..?"  I squeeze her hand and she looks up, her eyes wet. "I...I collapsed at Mom's a few months ago.  They took me into hospital and did some tests."  She swallows and her gaze shifts around the room.  "They found out the problem almost straight away.  There was too much sugar in my blood."  I turn to sit next to her against the headboard and let her lean on my shoulder.  She takes a deep breath and looks away. "I've been diagnosed as having diabetes." I gaze at her, stunned.  Diabetes.  Lord.  "I'm what's called a brittle diabetic.  I have to stick to a certain diet and only eat so much glucose a day, as with most diabetics.  But I also have to inject myself every 12 hours with a hormone called insulin.  This controls what sugar I have left in my body."  She looks up at me, her eyes sad.  I can't take all of this in at once.  It's too much.  "Why didn't you tell me, Scully?" "I didn't want to worry you.  What with the cancer and then the bee stinging me, I thought you'd had enough scares for one lifetime." "God, Scully." I reach to push a strand of hair behind her ear, affectionately letting my hand linger against her jaw.  "You had me so worried.  I thought you were taking drugs."  She smiles a little and sighs against me. "I'm so sorry."  I turn to face her properly and slide a hand behind her head, stroking the soft hairs there.  I don't know why I do it, it's just that I thought she was killing herself and I couldn't handle it if she ever... I close my eyes and lean against her, suddenly needing her embrace.  She wraps her arms around me, letting me rest my head on her shoulder and I sigh.  I feel her fingers weaving in and out of my hair and she reaches down to rub my back.  I just let her hold me.  Safe. "If you ever..."  She kisses the side of my neck. "I know, Mulder.  I know."  Her soft voice soothes me and she begins to rock me slightly, like a child. We stay together for some time, just taking the opportunity to share a little affection with one another.  Eventually, Scully begins to move away from me, keeping her hands either side of my face.  She gazes into my eyes and I feel the warmth in my heart slowly spreading out to the rest of my body.  I swallow, wanting this sweet moment to last forever. She gently pulls my head down, pressing a lingering kiss on my forehead, and I close my eyes against her.  She pulls away and looks into my eyes again, her gaze soft and gentle.  Then she glances at the digital clock and sighs deeply, drooping her eyes and suppressing a yawn with the back of her hand. "We should get some sleep, Mulder."  I nod mutely, disappointment flooding my senses.  I don't want to leave her.  I don't want to go home.  She slips off the bed and frowns to herself, before pulling the waistband of her pajamas away from her waist, peeping downwards.  She grins.  "You put my shorts on back-to-front.  Label goes at the back."  I try to smile, but I don't think it quite reaches my eyes, because she gives me a worried look.  "What's wrong?" "Nothing," I sigh and turn towards the door, waving my good-bye. "Mulder."  I turn and the look in her eyes is so caring.  She sighs and I can tell she knows just why I'm unhappy.  She knows me so well.  "Would you like to sleep here?"  Her voice is quiet and I can tell she's wondering how I'll react.  I nod, my head hanging and she smiles, sitting back on the bed and patting the mattress beside her.  I raise my eyebrows and my heart leaps about a foot in the air.  She's asking me to get into bed with her. I smile, kicking off my shoes and pulling my tie from around my neck, laying it carefully over her clothes on the chair beside the bed.  She pushes her legs under the duvet and pulls the edge back for me to sit in with her.  I undo the first few buttons of my shirt and pull it over my head, shivering at the cool air of her apartment seeping through the thin T-shirt I wear underneath. I take the hand she offers me and slide into bed next to her, laying my head into the soft pillows.  I sigh and gaze up at the ceiling, wanting so much to snuggle against her and push my nose into her sweet hair and hold her so close I'm almost on the other side.  But the fact that she let me get, spiritually and physically, this close to her is a big step.  We've never shared a bed before.  We've only actually slept together a few times, and they were only in emergencies.  Like the time we got stranded in the forest. "Mulder." I hear her voice and it's such a quiet murmur that I wonder if she's asleep.  I turn my head to her and catch her deep blue gaze in the darkness.  I watch her run her tongue over her lips and she holds a hand out to me.  I smile softly, take it in mine, and hold it close to my face, tracing the fine bones and the pastel skin with my fingers, noticing tiny freckles on the base of her thumb that I never saw there before. She reaches up to my face with the other hand to touch and caress, her gaze softening into fatigued wonder.  Her eyes close in the darkness and I feel myself growing rested, tired.  I close my own eyes and simply lie there, feeling her fingers skim across my skin, gently.  I sigh against her hand and she squeezes the hand she holds, bringing it close to her face and letting her lips graze my knuckles. I smile.  This is really nice.  I love being close to her like this.  It feels so right, so normal, as if we've been doing it for years.  I open my eyes to her smiling face, knowing that she feels the same.  Squeezing her hand back, I take her other hand from my face and hold it with the other one, near my lips.  She sighs deeply and lets me stroke her hair a little, pushing it back from her face as I soothe her into tranquillity. I watch her eyes slowly but surely close as she drifts off to sleep.  I smile and close my eyes too, allowing slumber to take me, knowing that I will have no nightmares while Scully is with me. * * * * * * Finding Out - Part II - Waking up Next to Your Partner is an Incredible Experience. I awaken from a deep sleep.  Smiling in recognition of the familiar scents around me, I sigh and turn over, opening my eyes to the piercing light, attempting to see the clock.  09:45.  Not too late for a Saturday.  I have about 15 minutes until I have to get up for my shot.  I sigh again and turn back over to face the man at my side.  His eyes are closed and he possesses that morning smell that is unique only to him.  I lift a tired hand and trace the contours of his face with the back of my fingers.  He opens his eyes sleepily and smiles at me.  I smile right back at him, feeling so relaxed right now that I could go back to sleep again. But I've taught myself not to. "Morning, Swee...Scully." He grins kinda sheepishly and I realize that he almost called my Sweetheart.  I sigh and wonder if he wants to call me that, for no other reason than to make me smile.  Lord, if that's what one night with your partner does to you, we're gonna be calling one another precious-nothings by the time we kiss. Not that there's any chance of that *ever* happening. "Good morning, Mulder."  He smiles and closes his eyes again.  "Sleep well?" "I did actually," he replies.  "Sleeping with you certainly has its advantages." "Don't go telling that to anyone at the bureau," I say, sitting up against the headboard. "People will start talking." "They already are."  I shrug and he pushes himself up on his arms and I can tell by his expression that he wants to put his arms around me.  I sigh into the warmth of my room at his sweetness and reach out a hand to touch his shoulder. "So do I get a good-morning-hug or not?" He smiles and wraps his arms loosely around my waist, letting his head rest against my stomach.  Oh yeah.  This is nice.  He snuggles against me and I snake my arms around his neck, caressing the fine hair there. "Thank you," is the breathy murmur I barely make out as he rests his full body weight into the mattress again, reaching further around my waist to pull me closer to him.  I smile and sigh again, watching his head go up as my belly pushes out.  I close my eyes into the moment, stroking his hair, and letting him hold me. After a while that seems to me like an eternity too short, I open my eyes again and glance at the clock.  I sigh regretfully, pushing at his shoulders with my hands.  He leans up on his arms and gives me questioning look.  "I have to...go to the bathroom," I say, not wanting him to get all sappy on me again.  He nods and I can tell he knows what I really mean by the sad look in his eyes. "Okay."  He leaves my body and I feel a sudden pang of misery without the gentle weight of his arms grounding me.  I get up from my bed, knowing it's just another weekend.  I'm going to my mom's for lunch and I'm baby-sitting for Trent this evening while Ellen goes to a friend’s birthday party.  "See you in a while."  He nods again and I hesitate for a milli-second before leaning over and leaving an affectionate kiss under his jaw.  He smiles when I pull back, as if to say, 'what was that for?' and I shrug, a little shyly, before getting to my feet and walking into the bathroom. * * * * * * "So that's okay, is it?  Oh thankyou so much, Mom...Yeah, I love you too."  I grin.  She clicks the cordless off and places it back on the coffee table, turning to me, wearing the most gorgeous, happy grin I've seen her in for a long time.  "She said yes, she'd be delighted for you to come too." "That's great," I say, watching her absentmindedly rub her upper arm.  I raise my eyebrows at her and she realizes what she's doing, instantly blushing to the tips of her ears and dropping her hand back in her lap.  I move across the couch to her a little.  "Does it hurt?" I ask her, simply. "Not much.  It just stings a little.  I doubt I'll ever get used to it."  I give her a sympathetic look, placing a gentle arm around her shoulders.  She smiles slightly and sighs, raising her head again to look deep into my eyes. "Come on," I whisper, taking her hand in mine and getting to my feet.  "I'm looking forward to seeing your Mom again."  She smiles and squeezes my hand, nodding her head and standing next to me, reaching for her coat off the back of the couch. "I'm sure she'll be happy to see you too."  She lets go of my hand while she puts her coat on and, suprizingly, reaches for it again.  I gaze into her eyes and she smiles at me, asking for my silent permission.  I nod a little and she smiles, leading me out of her apartment and to her car. The drive is uneventful, but we do smile at one another a lot more than usual and every now and then, Scully will reach over from the wheel to touch my hand.  I know Maggie will notice these glances.  They're pretty hard to miss.  I hope she doesn't get the wrong idea though.  And it's gonna be pretty difficult to explain to her exactly what is happening in our relationship.  I don't even know that.  I have more-than-friendly feelings for Scully that I've never had for anyone else. We arrive at the Scully's home and I realize that I have nothing to fear.  It's not as if 'Big Brother Bill' will be there, anyhow.  Just me, Scully and her mother.  Having lunch together.  I smile.  I've never really had a proper lunch at someone's house.  Not a 'family' type of lunch, anyway.  And Maggie's the closest to a mother I have, now that my own is...no longer available.  I lower my eyes at the thought of my late mother, growing instantly sad.  But only for a moment do I dwell in the past.  I start to look forward to our lunch out. We walk up to the front door and are instantly greeted by Mrs. Scully, who wears an floral apron and a gigantic smile on her face.  I feel warm inside again and I wonder whether it's something to do with the female Scully gene.  I take a closer look at Maggie Scully's smile and realize that it's nothing like her daughters, but has a certain quality to it.  I guess I'm used to seeing false smiles, except from Scully, and this smile is completely genuine. Scully steps up to her mother and puts her arms around her.  "So good to see you, Mom." "You too Dana."  They break out of their death-grip and Maggie smiles broadly at me. "Fox.  Come here." I blush a little and walk into her open arms.  She hugs me gently but with such love and care that I can't help smiling back. We go inside and Maggie ushers us into the kitchen, from which protrudes a gorgeous smell of lasagna and apple pie.  I smile and close my eyes, sniffing languorously at the sweet aromas.  We enter and Scully takes one of the high chairs at the breakfast bar, her legs crossed and leans an arm against the counter. "I just have to finish this salad and then everything will be ready."  My mouth is already watering and Scully gets down from the chair. "Let me do that, Mom."  She reaches for the mayonnaise and Maggie waves a hand at her. "Dana stop it," she laughs, good-naturedly.  "This is my treat for you.  Not a finger will be lifted."  Scully sighs and perches back onto the stool, turning to me to give me a look of affection towards her mother.  Maggie turns to me, reaching for the chopping board and waggles a finger at me. "And that goes for you too, Fox.  I don't want you to do anything today." I give her a serious look and nod.  She smiles, satisfied and goes back to chopping peppers and celery, a suspicious look on her face.  "So how's work?  Anymore interesting cases you've been working on?" I lean against the counter top by Scully's side and turn to her.  "Not really.  Skinner's got us doing 'normal' cases at the moment.  Nothing too boring, but we have to do as we're told." "That's never stopped you before, Mulder," Scully smiles, raising her eyebrows at me. "Well.  I'm in Skinner's bad books anyway."  Scully's eyes lock with mine and I sigh, relishing in her beautiful sea-blue gaze.  I could look into her eyes forever... Scully smiles suddenly and turns back to her mother, breaking our gaze. "Oh, I was meaning to ask you about Sandy.  How did the operation go?"  Maggie smiles and I realize that Sandy isn't a relation, rather a friend of Maggie's. "She's getting better," she replies simply and I wait for more, but there is none.  The women exchange a glance and I realize that they have a different way of communicating.  Like Scully and I, Maggie and her daughter use looks and gestures to make their point.  Obviously, the fact that they didn't dwell on the subject of Sandy, means the operation didn't go too well.  Maggie lifts the lettuce out of the sink and drops it into a large salad bowl, pouring dressing over with a flourish.  She carries the bowl into the dining room and I glance at Scully.  She holds out a hand to me and reflexively I take it, before remembering Maggie.  I pull Scully nearer to me and whisper in her ear. "Are we gonna tell your mom about last night?"  She looks down at the floor, her face decisive. "I don't know."  She grins suddenly.  "You know, it would make her day." "Really?"  She nods, blushing a little. "She really likes you, Mulder.  I think she knows there's something going on anyway.  She's been looking at us funny for the last ten minutes.  And she's gonna find out sooner or later." "So we'll tell her then."  Scully nods and sighs. "We're gonna have to watch how we word it though.  We can't go telling her that we slept together last night." She chews on her bottom lip and gives me an amused grin.  "She'd probably go mad." At my horrified face, she laughs quietly.  "In a good way.  She'd be writing out guest lists for our wedding, tomorrow." I smile and get this sudden picture of Scully in a beautiful wedding dress.  I swallow.  Lord, I'm the one going mad. "So...we'll just tell her that we shared a bed."  She nods and takes my hand again, leading me out into the dining room, where Maggie has just finished setting the table.  She looks up when we enter and the beginnings of a smile appear on her face when she sees our joined hands.  She then looks up at either of our faces and smiles even more. "Mom.  We've got something to tell you."  Her expression becomes searching and I drop Scully's hand, feeling a little embarrassed. "What is it?"  I can tell what she's thinking.  Wedding bells are most likely ringing in her ears at this very moment. "It's not what you think.  Well," Scully smiles shyly, "Not really."  I turn to her and watch her take a deep breath.  "Mulder found out about my diabetes."  Maggie's smile fades and she sighs. "You were going to tell him, Dana.  You promised me you would."  She looks at me, apologetically. "I know.  I was going to...I just didn't get around to it."  We sit at the table and Maggie starts to dish out the lasagna. "Oh well.  It's done now.  Can't be helped." Scully nods, catching my eye and I reassure her to go on, with my gaze.  "There's more."  She smiles at me and I grin back at her.  "Mulder and I...kinda..." She trails off and looks at me for help, running her tongue over her lips. "We've gotten closer over the years and..." I stop because I don't want to put it the wrong way. "We shared a bed last night," Scully finishes in a rush.  Maggie smiles at both of us and I feel great, proud even, that we were able to tell her.  Scully looks sideways at me and I wink at her, playfully.  "We didn't *do* anything." "But it was..." I can't describe it.  It's too complicated to explain. "It was lovely." I finish, scolding myself mentally for not being able to come up with anything better. "So..." Maggie starts, happiness radiating from her face.  "Do you think anything will come from this?" I lock my eyes to Scully's, hoping against hope that she'll say it will.  That she'll tell her mother that she loves me, purely and simply and we'll ride off into the sunset on a white horse... "Well...maybe.  I mean, don't start buying wedding presents yet, Mom."  Maggie gives her daughter an amused look.  "I know it's none of my business, Dana.  But I'd be delighted if you two got together."  She shrugs, sighing deeply.  "I just feel you're so right for one another."  I look down, blushing slightly, pretending to look at the plate in front of me, and I can see that Scully's doing the same out of the corner of my eye.  I catch her gaze again and we both smile. "You'll be the first to know," Scully says, timidly.  She starts to eat again and I pick up a forkful of sauce, trying to remember where it goes. * * * * * * "I think," I start, changing into first gear as we round the corner to Ellen's street, "that Trent will love you." "I dunno, Scully.  I'm not that good with kids." I grin. "Sure you are.  You were okay with Emily."  I watch his face search mine for some sign of pain, but I just don't feel it anymore.  I wept for her loss and left her behind me.  She'd now just a memory of something that I will never have again.  I miss her so much.  But I can talk about her openly now, without weeping my heart out. "I'm sure I'll cope," he says, finally convinced that I'm not in need of a hug.  I smile. "You always do." He nods slightly and touches my hand absentmindedly as I pull up outside Ellen's house.  Turning off the ignition, I just sit for a while, letting Mulder run his fingertips over the back of my hand and arm.  I'm wearing a pale blue T-shirt, cut really low at the front.  I'm totally guilty.  I wore it for Mulder.  I look across at him, taking in his slightly nervous features, the tautness of his face muscles, the continuous flexing of his fingers.  The chewing of his bottom lip... God, I'm hooked on that mouth of his. I turn my hand over and take his in mine, squeezing, reassuringly.  "Okay?"  He nods. "Bring it on," he murmurs, letting go of my hand and opening his door.  I get out my side and lock the car.  Joining him on his side, I walk with him to the front door.  Ringing the doorbell, I'm immediately pounced on by my Godson, who races out from the back garden.  He wraps his arms around my middle and lifts them. "Oh Auntie Dana!  Auntie Dana!  Are you looking after me while mommy goes to Julie's?" I lift him up into my arms, even though he's getting a little big for that, and give him a smacker-kiss on the cheek. "Sure am.  And you know what?"  His little excited face beams at me.  "What?" "I brought a friend of mine, who just happens to be a brilliant baseball player." He frowns, scratching his head in a questioning way and I can't help but smile.  He's so cute. "Who's that?"  I turn him to face Mulder and he grins.  "I seen you on TV with Auntie Dana.  Are you her boyfriend?" "I don't think so," Mulder replies, keeping a straight face. "I thought you were."  Trent grins and puts his arms around my neck, burying his face in my shoulder. "I am."   I smile at Mulder and he smiles back, mouthing 'how old is he?'.  I hold out five, then two fingers and he nods.  Trent turns to me. "You're my girlfriend, aren't you Auntie Dana?" I shake my head. "I think I'm a bit old for you, Sweetheart."  He nods, frowning slightly. "Yeah.  Anyway, I already have a girlfriend and she's called Marie-Lou and she's in forth grade." I grin and turn back to the door as Ellen opens it. "Dana.  Thanks for sitting for him tonight.  He's been so tiresome these last few days and he's always so good with you." I grin and place Trent on the floor again.  "Look Mommy, Dana brought her boyfriend.  She says he's a good baseball player." "So I've heard."  She looks at me. "Bed before 8pm.  There's beer in the fridge if you want it."  She waves at Mulder before reaching for her coat and practically dragging her husband out the door and down the path to the car. We wave them off and follow Trent into the living room, where he's busy putting on his baseball mitt.  He shows it to us and Mulder grins. "Wow.  That's really cool, Trent.  When did you get that?" "Daddy and Mommy bought it for my birthday."  He grabs the baseball off the coffee table and hands it to Mulder.  "You wanna see how I can catch?"  He stands with his feet apart, hands spread wide and I realize what he's going to do. "Not inside," I remind him. "Well, do you have a park, or somewhere we can go?  I'd really like to see you play," Mulder tells him.  Trent grins and nods. "There's one just down the street."  He raises his eyebrows at me and gives me a pleading look. "Please can we go?" I pretend to think for a moment, my lips pursed and then nod my head, holding out my hand, reflexively.  Trent looks at Mulder and then back at me, uneasily.  "It's okay," he tells Mulder.  "You can hold her hand.  I'm a big boy now." We watch as he races out of the door into the hall and then turns, waiting patiently for us to follow. Mulder shrugs and gives me a questioning look, glancing down at my hand, his eyes hopeful.  I smile and nod a little and we grab each others hand, pulling one another through the door and out into the sunshine. As we walk along, I realize how fun it is to hold hands.  I never really saw it that way before, mainly because the only times I've ever held Mulder's hand were when one or both of us needed reassurance or help.  Mulder begins to swing our arms a little and he turns to me, giving me a playful grin.  I smile right back, wanting to be nowhere else but here.  Trent jumps around in front of us, talking a mile a minute.  "What's green and goes up and down?  A gooseberry in a lift."  He cracks up.  "That's my favorite joke *ever*."  Mulder starts to laugh and I can't work out why it's so funny until I turn to see his face.  He grins at me and slides an arm around my shoulders, absentmindedly, before he remembers where we are and drops his hand back to mine.  I smile up at him and lean my forehead against his shoulder for a moment, trying desperately not to laugh at his sheepish face. "Sorry," he murmurs into my hair, smiling. "It's okay."  I lift my head and smile into his eyes. "We're here!"  Trent dashes down an alleyway and we follow, walking through the gate of the largest playground I have ever seen, complete with baseball pitch and basketball hoop.  Mulder's face lights up when he sees that and I realize that, apart from when we went to collect some clean clothes this morning, he hasn't been home since 6am yesterday.  And he's been with me the whole time. Trent grins at us and shouts, "Come and *get* me!" We look at one another, shrug to each other and break into a run after him, chasing him around the field, our hands still entwined.  When we catch him up, I break from Mulder and grab Trent around the middle, tickling him as much as I can.  He begins to laugh loudly and I hold him down as he tries to get away, still tickling him all over. "Don't worry, Trent.  I'll save you from the dreaded tickle-monster."  Mulder wraps his arms around my waist and begins to tickle my sides.  I collapse onto my stomach on the floor, giggling uncontrollably and Trent sits on my back, his burbling laugh ringing against my ear.  He begins to tickle me too and soon we're a laughing happy mess in the grass.  "No fair.  That's two against one," I gasp and wriggle around, trying to push Trent off me, while at the same time attempting to keep Mulder's wandering hands away from my body.  We stop gradually and begin to get our breath back.  My head drops sideways against the soft grass and I close my eyes, my chest hurting from the laughter. I feel the weight against me lift and I roll onto my back to see Mulder setting Trent onto his feet again.  Mulder grins at me and holds out his hand.  I take it and he pulls me to my feet.  I swallow as the world sways before me and Mulder slips an arm around my waist, holding me steady as I finally find my balance.  "Okay?" he asks me, squeezing my hand.  I nod. "Just a little headrush."  I shake my head to get rid of the fuzziness and he lets me go, searching my face for some kind of doubt.  I can tell he's thinking about my diabetes.  I raise my eyebrows at him and he grins.  "Sorry," he murmurs and I pat his shoulder, nodding towards Trent.  He's standing a few feet away, swinging the baseball bat back and forth, totally oblivious to our caring exchange and I grin. "Looks like you're needed."  He frowns. "Oh no.  Don't think you're getting away that easily, my dear Scully."  I give him an innocent look and he grips my hand again, tugging gently.  "Come play baseball."  I sigh and roll my eyes. "Mulder..." "Not afraid are you?"  I give him a Look and the youthfulness of his face makes me grin.  If it weren't for the slight stubble on his chin and his height, he could pass for ten years old. "Mulder, you know how terrible I am."  "Terrible at what, Auntie Dana?" I turn to see my godson at my side, throwing a ball in the air and catching it in his mitt.  Mulder gives me a smile and I give in. "Nothing.  Ready to play?"  Trent gives me a look. "The phrase, Auntie Dana," he says, putting on a good impression of an English accent, "is: 'Let's play ball'." I grin at Mulder as Trent walks poshly away, carrying the bat, mitt and ball, beckoning for us to follow.  Mulder shrugs and follows him, catching the ball neatly when Trent throws it to him.  I smile, roll my eyes and follow. This is gonna be interesting. Twenty minutes later, I pick up the ball and hold it out to Mulder for him to throw to Trent again.  Trent jumps up to me and holds out the bat. "You're turn to bat, Auntie Dana." Now catching, I can do.  Pitching?  No problem.  Batting.  Lord.  "I'm a little tired, Trent, Sweetie.  I'll just sit over on that bench for a while."  He frowns and pouts.  Mulder comes up behind me and rubs my shoulder. "You can't do that, Scu...Dana.  You can't bail out now." I roll my eyes at Mulder and he smiles. "No, Auntie Dana.  What's the matter.  Can't you hit a ball?"  Oh, what the hell... "No, I can't."  Trent bites his lip and thinks for a moment. "In that case, Mulder can teach you."  He smiles, pleased with himself and hands me the bat.  I turn to Mulder who is obviously trying to hide his smile. "It's okay.  You two play."  I offer Mulder the bat, but he declines. "Nope." "Auntie Dana.  If Mulder teaches you to play, then you can play with me when you look after me."  There's some logic in that, I suppose.  I shrug. "Okay.  You win." I hold the bat how I remember Mulder telling me to (Hello Mr. Bat.  Nice to meet you, Mr. Bat.) and take my place at the square thing that you bat from.  I swallow and prepare to make a complete fool of myself.  I can't do this.  I'm a hopeless case.  And then I feel Mulder's arms around me and I smile.  Okay, so this isn't bad. "Hey," he offers, nuzzling my hair slightly with his nose.  I grin and let him hold the bat with me. "I'm in the middle."  He nods and moves his hands outside mine, and I can't help but close my eyes at the warm feeling spreading through me as he squeezes me a little.  We both look forward, to Trent and he grins at us. "Are you two gonna get married?"  I blush a little and roll my eyes at him.  Mulder's answer surprises me. "Maybe.  If we do, you can be the ring bearer.  Okay?" He nods, rolling the ball in his hands. "Right Trent." I grin. "Let's play ball." We play for a long time and I feel myself getting used to hitting the ball.  Mulder's arms around me, give me confidence and soon we can't stop touching one another and fooling around.  We laugh and joke with one another until the sky begins to grow dark and I suddenly realize that the park is deserted.  I let go of the bat and look at my watch.  7:40.  I look up, disappointed that we have to end the game so quickly.  I never realized baseball was so much fun.  And I like Mulder's arms around me. "Last ball, Sweetie," I call.  Trent pouts at me and sighs. "Do we *have* to go home?" I nod, suddenly feeling really exhausted. "It's nearly time for bed.  We've been out a long time."  He looks down at the floor and sighs. "Make it a good one, Trent," Mulder calls, getting ready for blast-off against me.  Trent grins and nods, taking a few paces back and running up, throwing the ball to us.  I narrow my eyes, watching it like a hawk and we swing the bat, hitting it square on and sending it flying over Trent's head to land a good few meters behind him.  Mulder lets go of me and whoops.  "Yeah!  Wow, did you see that, Scully!"  I beam at him and he wraps his arms around me, squeezing me in a friendly hug. "You're getting good." "Pretty good, huh?" I laugh into his shoulder.  He pulls back and just holds my hands, swinging them, nodding and looking into my eyes. "Sure was," Trent calls, racing up to us, grabbing our joined hands and staring at us.  I look down at him, noticing his bemused expression.  He looks down at the floor. "What's the matter?" I ask, my voice soft from fatigue.  Trent smiles a little and looks back up at us.  "Mommy says you love each other."  His statement is not suprized, more a comment on something he thinks we already know.  I smile and look back at Mulder. "Well..." I don't really know what to say.  Mulder swallows. "I guess she's right...in some respects."  I nod. "Yeah.  We're...very good friends."  He smiles at us and sighs, as if he's just realizing how tired he is.  He droops his eyes and leans against my side, sliding an arm around my back and nuzzling his face under my arm.  I smile and rest an arm around his shoulders, tilting my head down to him.  "Better get you home."  Mulder grins and taps Trent on the shoulder. "You want a shoulder-ride?"  He smiles, sleepily and nods.  I help Mulder lift him over his head and settle him on his shoulders, his mitt still on his hand.  "Okay?" Mulder asks him. "Yep."  Trent smiles down at me and I pick up the bat and ball.  We head slowly back down the alleyway and Mulder reaches for my hand.  I sigh happily and take it. As we turn the corner into Ellen's drive and unlock her door, I glance up at Trent.  He's fallen asleep against Mulder's head, eyes closed, head lolling.  I smile and we slowly lower him down into my arms, resting him against my shoulder like he's three again. "Be back in a minute," I whisper to Mulder and he nods, touching Trent's shoulder affectionately.  I retreat upstairs and put Trent to bed, making sure his teddy is in with him.  The little sweetheart stays asleep the whole time.  I leave a goodnight kiss in his hair and turn his light off, leaving the door open a crack before returning to the other little boy I left downstairs. Mulder's knelt in front of the cabinet, searching through the videos they keep there. "Hey," I call softly, crouching down behind him and smoothing my hands over his shoulders.  He turns to me and gives me a smile.  "What you looking for?" "Movies," he answers simply and I can't help but smile when I notice the contents of the cabinet. "Don't you think you're a little old for these, Mulder?" I ask, reaching forward to take out the Bambi video I remember watching last time I sat for Trent. "I love Disney.  We were never allowed to watch them when I was a kid.  Dad said they were stupid."  I place the video back on the shelf and consider the rest.  Almost all of them are Disney, with a few Warner Bros. here and there.  There are a few that I haven't seen, but not many.  I must say, I'm a Disney person, too.  Kneeling on the carpet, I turn to Mulder. "Okay.  What do you want to watch?"  He looks at me, suprized and I grin at him, raising my eyebrows. "I haven't seen this one," he comments, pulling out The Sword in the Stone.  "I have.  It's not that good."  I reach forward and take out another, reading the back.  "Simba's Pride.  Sounds good."  I hold it out to him.  "Wanna watch that?"  He nods. "Sure."  We stand and I move to the VCR, putting it in and sitting back on the couch.  Mulder sits next to me and sighs.  Turning his head slowly to me, his eyes travel down my face to rest at my mouth.  He looks back up at me, his eyes full of hope and warmth.  I catch his gaze and shake my head a little, showing him I'm not ready.  He smiles, understanding completely and just settles for weaving his fingers between mine and caressing his thumb over the back of my knuckles. We laugh at Timone and Pumbaa, coo over the cute Kiara and Kovu, and narrow our eyes at the evil lioness as she plots to take over Simba's role as king of the Pridelands.  As the lion cubs grow up, they fall deeply in love and I can't help sighing when they show their affection and feeling for one another through touch and occasional glances.  I realize how alike we are to them. When the movie finishes, I turn it off, lifting my head from Mulder's shoulder, not even realizing it had been there in the first place, and turn to him.  He smiles at me, sleepily and I lay my head back against him, feeling his arm slip around my shoulders.  I rest my own hand against his chest and idly begin to trace my fingertips along the fine muscles through his T-shirt.  We just sit like that for a while, wanting nothing more than for this moment to last forever. Mulder's other hand wanders up my arm, over my shoulder, to my face.  He trails his thumb over my jaw and down my cheek, brushing loose strands of hair from my face.  I sigh again and close my eyes, cuddling my nose into his shirt and inhaling a breath of Mulder-scent.  "Oh, Scully," he whispers. "If only every day was like this."  I don't answer him.  I just slide my legs onto the couch and let him pull me closer into his embrace.  It's warm and safe here.  I never want to leave.  I can feel his hand, calm against my waist, and his other in my hair, hushing me into the slumber that awaits me. I groan and remember.  Glancing at my watch, I lift myself off his warm body and stand up, my head spinning.  Mulder gives me a look of disappointment as I move away from him, picking up my purse from beside the couch and routing around in it.  I give him an apologetic look and he grasps for my hand, lifting it to his lips and pressing a tiny kiss there.  "I'll be back in a minute," I whisper, smiling at his sweet gesture.  And I leave for the bathroom, knowing that the needle I painfully stick in my arm will help keep me alive. By the time Ellen and her husband get back, we're in one another's arms again, snoozing lightly.  I hear them enter the kitchen and whisper to one another, my eyes refusing to open.  Mulder shifts against me, lifting his head from atop mine and I reach around the back of his neck to pull him back. "Pretend to be asleep," I whisper, my voice sleep-clogged and soft.  I feel him nod against me and relax, sighing deeply.  I stay motionless as two sets of footsteps plod through into the living room and stop a few feet away.  I wait a moment, hoping that they don't wake us up and tell us to go home. "Leave them be," Ellen whispers. "They look so peaceful for once."  I smile softly into Mulder's collarbone.  We listen until the footsteps on the stairs quieten and Mulder reaches around my waist to hold me against him as he shifts to lie on his back against the couch arm.  I hand him a few cushions for his head and we settle against one another again, letting sleep do it's job and bring us peace. * * * * * * Finding Out - III - Look at me in a different light. "So what do you do on a Sunday, Scully?" I whisper, making sure to keep my voice low.  It's early, and when I say early, I mean six-thirty-in-the-morning type of early.  Scully and I are half asleep in one another's arms, on her best-female-friend's couch, whispering quietly to each other. "Well," she begins, dreamily trailing her fingertips in circular patterns against my chest.  "I used to go to church..." She snuggles into the fabric of my T-shirt and lets out a sigh.  "I don't feel I need to anymore." "Why's that?" I ask, smoothing a lock of hair away from her face as she shifts a little against me.  She sighs, closing her eyes. "I dunno.  He hasn't done much for me over the last few years." I nod, getting her drift.  Letting my hands wander under the bottom of her top, I tickle around the soft skin at the base of her back. "Mmmm... What do you do on a Sunday?" I smile, raising my eyebrows at the ceiling.  The only word that comes into my mind right now is masturbate. "Well..." I'm thankfully interrupted by a cheerful, little voice bumping down the stairs. "Dum-de-dum dum-dum..." Trent bounces down the last few stairs in his PJs and stops.  He looks at us lying on the couch, a puzzled expression on his face.  Scully lets out a tiny giggle that I recognize as her 'ohmygodhesso*cute*' giggle and shifts atop me to give him a little wave.  He immediately smiles and comes over to us, sitting down on the couch, beside us. "Good morning, Auntie Dana.  What are you doing here?"  He doesn't seem a bit confused about why the hell his lovely Auntie Dana is curled up atop her basball-playing partner, neither does he seem bothered that the baseball-playing partner's hands are under her clothing. "We thought we'd stay the night," Scully answers, not moving from her placement against my chest.  She grins. "We enjoyed your company so much yesterday."  Trent grins at us and tilts his head in that cute way all seven-year-olds do when they're thinking deeply. "So...are you staying the whole day?"  He leans against my side and lays his arm across Scully's shoulders in a friendly hug.  I look at Scully, questioning with my eyes. "We can't, Sweetheart," Scully sighs, resting a hand on his shoulder. "We have things to do today."  Trent sighs, mournfully. "Another time, then?"  She nods and smiles at him, ruffling his hair.  "But you are staying for breakfast?" "I hope so.  If mommy and daddy say we can." He grins and races up the stairs. "Mommy!  Daddy!  Dana says her and Mulder..." Scully rests her head back against my chest and nuzzles her nose into my T-shirt. "This has been the most perfect weekend so far." I start. "Really?" She nods, rubbing the cloth against my skin. "It's been so wonderful.  I wish every weekend could be like this." I smile and sigh, imagining the weekends to come.  Running through dappled fields together.  Playing baseball until she can hit a ball better than me.  Going to the movies and making out on the back seat like teenagers.  I sigh, content with my fantasies.  For now. "I know what you mean."  I run a hand through her hair, feeling the softness of the strands between my fingers. * * * * * * We pull up outside my apartment and Mulder turns to me. "Can I walk you to your door?" "Sure." We get out of the car and walk together to my door, Mulder subtly placing his arm around my waist.  Smiling, I reach into my pocket for my keys, leaning my head against his shoulder.  When we reach my door, I stop and turn to him, looking deep into his eyes.  I reach my arms up around his neck and lean against him, burying my nose into his chest.  "Thank you for a lovely weekend, Mulder." He hugs me right back and slips his hands around either side of my head. "Scully..."  I pull back and catch his gaze again, feeling the warmth spread through me as I do.  His thumbs begin to caress the dips of my jaw and I'm suddenly reminded of that time we nearly kissed in the hallway.  I never really realized how good this feels, just to be touched by this man.  I smile up at him and notice that his eyes have grown darker.  A lot darker.  I let my hands smooth over his forearms gently, seeing in his eyes what he wants to do.  My reluctance makes me feel guilty.  We've waited so long for this.  And I can't figure out why I don't want it. Mulder begins to move towards me, until our lips are just a breath away.  I swallow and close my eyes, turning my face away and lowering my head so he can't see my expression.  He touches my chin and gently tilts my face up to him again, caressing my cheek with his thumb.  I open my eyes and his face is searching, confused.  I sigh, wanting to, but at the same time...not. "What's the matter?" he asks me, his voice so soft.  I sigh again, trying to put my feelings into words.  It's so difficult. "I...I don't know," I reply, truthfully, blinking back tears of confused frustration.  "I just..." I trail off, not understanding my reluctance. "Why won't you let me..?"  An unwelcome tear falls down my cheek.  He brushes it away, softly.  "What's the matter?"  I shrug and let out a shaky breath as I feel more tears on the way.  He pulls back and takes my hands in his, lifting my keys and unlocking the door.  "Come on, let's talk about this."  I nod mutely as he guides me into my apartment and closes the door behind us. Leading me to the couch, he sits me down into the soft cushions and just looks at me for a moment, his face a little guilty. "What's wrong, Scully?" I shake my head at him and close my eyes, willing these babyish tears away. "I don't know." "It must be something pretty big to make you cry."  He reaches to the coffee table to retrieve the box of tissues I hardly ever use, and hands them to me.  I smile through my tears at his sweet gesture and blow my nose, blotting my eyes.  I take a deep breath and look into his eyes. "I really don't know," I try not to whimper, sniffing at my own weakness. "Come here," he whispers, wrapping his arms around my back and pulling me into an embrace that makes my feel warm and secure.  I hide my face in his shoulder and attempt to get my sobs under control.  A moment later, I turn my head, fingering the collar of his jacket, absentmindedly.  He smoothes a lock of hair behind my ear and leaves a tiny kiss against my hairline.  "I don't...even know why it's such a big deal.  It's never been like this with me." "Sometimes tiny things seem to upset us, and we find out that they're not really small at all."  I sigh against him, trying to understand. "I don't even know what it is...I don't..." I swallow and lift my head to look at him.  He brushes another tear away from my cheek. "Is it me?" he asks, softly.  I shake my head, giving him a suprized look. "No.  It's never been you, Mulder." He smiles at me and I smile back a little, sighing. "Doesn't it feel right?"  I question him with my eyes and he swallows.  "Does it feel like we're doing something wrong?" I shrug. "Not really."  He nods, thinking for a moment. "Have you fantasized about kissing me?" I smile, shyly. "A little." He grins at me. "Okay.  A lot." I roll my eyes, not willing to process what he now knows about me. "What was it like?"  I sigh, closing my eyes, trying to come up with a word to describe my dreams. "Perfect." I smile timidly and open my eyes again, his sweet gaze warming me inside.  He takes another tissue and wipes my eyes and cheeks.  He touches a hand to the side of my neck and moves a little closer to me. "Are you afraid of...getting it wrong?" he says, gazing into my eyes. "I've never really thought about it," I tell him, truthfully.  He nods, thinking for a moment, taking my hands in his and standing up. "Come with me."  I furrow my eyebrows at him and he grins at me.  "Don't worry.  You're gonna like this." I stand and he leads me to my bedroom door.  I raise my eyebrows and let my jaw hang open. "Mulder!"  He looks confused for a moment, then grins at me. "No.  It's not what you think."  I grin and let him pull me into my bedroom.  He sits me down on my bed and lets go of my hands.  "Stay there.  I'll be ten minutes."  I look at him, questioningly as he heads back through the door. "Mulder, where are you going?" He turns back to me. "Don't worry.  It's a suprize." He smiles at me.  "A good suprize.  Stay in here until I tell you.  Okay?"  I nod and watch as he closes the door behind him and I'm left alone.  I sit for a moment, blinking into the darkness of my room.  I forgot to open my curtains yesterday morning.  Well, I *was* otherwise occupied. I wonder what Mulder's doing out there.  I hear shuffling and soft clattering around in my kitchen, but what he's doing I have no idea.  I kick my sneakers off and lie back against the mattress, shifting my shoulders around in the sheets.  I close my eyes and rest my hands on my belly, reflecting on the previous two days.  The best two days of my life. Ever since I woke to find Mulder's frightened face staring down at me, the realization that he'd been so caring and tender and had put me to bed still fresh in my mind, I've felt really and truly loved.  I've known of our feelings for one another for a long time, but I never wanted to admit that we needed one another so much.  Until now. I sigh and muse over the knowledge that Mulder would do anything for me.  He's saved my life so many times, as I've saved his.  We're a totally equal partnership, two halves of one whole that could never be separated.  They've tried a hundred-thousand times to break us apart, but we always find one another again.  Killer-bees, alien abductions, cancer, they all failed miserably.  We're still together, after almost seven years of togetherness. I hear a light knock on the door and sit up again, pushing a curious lock of hair behind my ear.  His voice drifts through the door.  "Close your eyes, Scully."  "Okay." I do so and I hear him open the door, feel his strong hands on my back.  And then he lifts me, hooking an arm under my knees and one around my shoulders.  I grin and wrap my arms around his shoulders to keep me steady, leaning against his shoulder.  As promised, I keep my eyes firmly shut as he carries me into the living room and stands still in the middle of the hearth rug.  I recognize the noise his feet make as they slide across the soft carpet that my mother bought me for Christmas. "Don't open your eyes, Scully.  I'm gonna put you down."  I nod and feel his hand slide around the denim of my jeans, letting me go, gently.  My feet touch the floor and I smile, ready to open my eyes and see what he's got for me.  The darkness behind my eyelids makes me wonder if he's closed the curtains in here, but as I begin to notice flickers of light against the blackness, I feel his hands on mine, bringing them up to his shoulders. I almost forgot about using my ears.  Sweet birds begin to sing and then soft music begins to flow through the air and I feel myself smiling, recognizing the song instantly.  Only a few people know that I like the Irish band, B*Witched.  I got their second album last week and had to hide it in my kitchen cupboard for fear of being discovered.  The song I hear now is 'I shall be there'.  It's one of my favorites.  "Okay," he whispers, softly. "Open your eyes." I smile and open my eyes, gazing in awe at the beautiful sight that awaits me. The curtains have indeed been closed and the darkness of the room is sparkling with candles placed here and there.  The only sound is the sweet music playing from my stereo and the slight fizz as the wax in one of the candles begins to burn.  I lift my nose to the air and smell the scented candle that I only use on special occasions.  The room looks just like an Aladdin's cave.  I've never seen my living room so beautiful. I turn my eyes back to Mulder and smile at him.  He smiles right back at me and leans forward to gently kiss my forehead.  I close my eyes against him and sigh, weaving my fingers into his hair and holding him to me.  His hands slip around my waist and I feel him begin to sway to the music.  He looks right into my eyes and I feel myself smiling affectionately. "Hey," he whispers. "Hey." "Scully?" "Mmm?" "Dance with me."  I take the hand he offers me and sway with him to the music, letting my head rest against his chest as the music takes me into the world inhabited by my Irish ancestors. "Awaken.  Breathe.  Hear the calling in the wind. The voice, it's singing, 'A journey must begin'. You'll fly, like a bird in a scatter cloudy sky. Leave aside the city worries, it's just a minute away. In my heart I'll paint a picture and I swear it's where I'll be. "I shall be there. Will you be there? I shall be there. Will you be there?" I smile as he twirls us gently around and around.  The light from the candles licks the walls, sending long shadows spinning and wheeling across them.  I relax completely and close my eyes, the faint music swirling my thoughts and memories into one that is Mulder.  That always will be Mulder.  I sigh against him as the song ends and another starts. I smile softly as I realize the title of the song.  'Are you a Ghost?' obviously caught Mulder's attention when he set my player.  I feel his chest hitch a little under my cheek as he tries not to laugh.  Oh well...great minds think alike. I feel a gentle pat to the side of my face and open my eyes, lifting my head.  Mulder gazes into my eyes, smoothing a hand along my jaw.  His eyes creep down to my lips and I smile, tilting my chin up a little.  I know now.  This is what was holding me back.  I'd imagined it to be so perfect in my mind that I couldn't bear to have it any other way.  And this is perfect.  Totally and completely.  The candlelight makes his eyes glow and his face sparkle.  To me, right now, he could easily be an Egyptian God.  This beautiful man, feeling so right in my arms, is the only one I worship.  The only one I trust, as I once told him. "Are you ready?" I beam at his soft, tender voice and nod, closing my eyes.  He takes my face in his hands and I feel his breath on my cheeks for a moment, sweeping my hair a little.  Then his lips graze mine, ever-so-gently, and I stand up on tiptoe to counter the emotion.  I feel his smile against my lips when I do it again and he pulls me closer to him. I feel his hands in my hair, weaving and caressing all over my scalp.  Then they slip down my body, past my shoulders, past the sides of my breasts, to my waist.  They settle there gently, caressing my skin through the top I wear.  I never realized how completely gentle he always is with me.  How carefully and tenderly he treats me.  I feel the brushes against my lips stop.  He nuzzles his nose to the side of mine and I smile even more, reaching my thumbs up to his jaw and smoothing over the bone, lightly.  He presses a kiss against the bridge of my nose and I open my eyes, gazing at him, utterly relaxed.  The music fades out and I glance at the stereo for a moment.  Then I turn back to the man in front of me and pass my gaze up to his eyes, looking deep into them.  I can read him right now like a book.  He's asking me for my permission.  I smile at him and he knows he already has it.  I tilt my head to the side a little, close my eyes.  And he comes home.  The first touch of his lips to mine sends stars sparking across the back of my eyelids.  A gorgeous tingle starts in my lower tummy and I break away and just stand for a moment, my lips millimeters from his, breathing softly against his face.  He doesn't push me, just waits patiently.  I open my eyes and gaze at him, trying to get his beautiful face into focus.  I swallow.  My hands slide around his head and pull him gently down to me, parting my mouth a little and enclosing his lips between mine.  For a moment we just stand there, lips pressed firmly together, arms around one another.  The tingling in my body has dissolved to a low hum.  And then I tease his lips apart with my own and tentatively reach forward my tongue for a nervous exploration of his mouth.  He lets me guide him, lets me take control.  He knows that's all I need right now. His lips begin to move against mine and it's all I can do not to moan out loud.  I counter his movements and run my tongue over the roof of his mouth, tasting him for the first time.  And he tastes of everything I associate with him.  Sunflower seeds.  A little beer.  And that musky, masculine taste that doesn't usually have this effect on me.  My thumbs move over his cheeks in circular patterns as we kiss, tenderly touching and soothing his face.  God, I could get used to this. When we break apart, I can't open my eyes.  I don't want to remove the wonderful feeling swimming through my head.  But as I hear him whisper my name, I can't help it.  My eyes flutter open and there he is.  His eyes are brighter than I've ever seen them, his face in the beautifully soft smile I watched him wake up with this morning.  The drowsiness I felt before continues and waves between us like the sea. I raise my eyebrows at him and smile.  Leaning forward again I turn my face to the side and up, leaving a fleeting nip under his chin.  I pull back again and smile at him, lifting my hands to touch the sides of his face.  I sigh and he dips his lips to my forehead.  The feeling of his lips against my skin is so familiar, but the circumstances are so different. We've just kissed properly, for instance. "Better?" His words reach my brain slowly, as if my ears have momentarily stopped working.  I blink at him, the fog still swirling through my mind, and hear his soft chuckle.  I smile and nod. "Much better."  I grin up at him.  "Perfect, in fact."  He smiles at me and pulls me against him into a warm embrace.  I take his hug with gratitude, burying my face in his chest and holding him as tight as I can.  "This is perfect," I murmur into his shirt, feeling his hand run over my hair. "It sure is, Scully," he whispers back, squeezing me once before letting me go.  He takes my hands in his and swings them a little, gazing at me, his head on one side.  Then his gaze grows more serious and he furrows his eyebrows a little, thinking.  He looks so serious, I begin to wonder if he's regretting what we just did.  I watch him for a while before arching an eyebrow at him and giving him a questioning look. "What is it?"  He breaks out of his thoughts and sniffs, smiling at me again before stepping in to give me a quick kiss on the lips. "Scully?" "What?" "Please can I take you out for dinner?"  I grin at him and nod my head. "Only if I can *please* pay half."  He sighs. "Some things never change, do they?" "No.  But some things do.  One in particular that we may need to go out and celebrate."  I stop and think for a moment, my face breaking into a smile.  "Mulder, we promised mom that..." He grins. "You wanna ring her, or shall I?" I smile and sit on the couch again, pulling Mulder down with me. "We'll do it together."  He nods his head vigorously and wraps an arm around me, smacking a great big kiss against my cheek. * * * * * * Finding Out - IV - Tell me on a Sunday. This is such bliss.  And when I say bliss I mean *Bliss* with a capital B.  Sitting across from the woman I love, at an expensive table in an expensive restaurant a few blocks away from my apartment, sipping champagne and gazing at one another tenderly.    Bliss. Maggie was delighted, of course.  We both knew she would be.  In fact, she was ecstatic.  We could stop her squealing down the phone at us, promising frantically that she *wouldn't* start writing up wedding lists, or picking out wedding presents, or choosing wedding clothes. I reach timidly over the space between us and tap the back of Scully's hand.  She smiles and lets me weave my fingers between hers across the table.  The candlelight makes her pale face glow, and shines in her beautiful, blue eyes.  She's wearing the sexiest dress I've ever seen her in, black and strappy, V-ed at the front, slit up the side.  The tiny, gold crucifix glitters at her little bit of exposed cleavage, above the dress.  She looks simply gorgeous, and I can't help telling her. "You really do look beautiful tonight, Scully."  She blushes and dips her head, shyness pulling a smile onto her face and diverting her eyes from me. "Don't be silly, Mulder," she whispers half-heartedly, turning her glass around in her fingers, by the neck. "I'm not," I say, lowering my voice. "Really, Scully, you look fantastic."  And sexy and gorgeous and lovely and ravishing... She lifts her head boldly, smiling warmly at me.  She sighs. "You look beautiful too, Mulder."  I smile. "What?  With this nose?"  I cross my eyes trying to look down my nose and she giggles softly, squeezing my hand. "Yes.  I've always been drawn to that nose, Mulder.  There's something about it that..." She trails off and looks down at her napkin, blushing a deeper red than before. "What?"  I'm intrigued.  What is it about my nose that makes her blush like that? "Scully?"  She looks up again and passes her tongue over her lips, nervously. "Nothing." "Scully, come on." I squeeze her hand again and grin.  She gives me a look, rolling her eyes at me, suddenly smiling.  Her voice changes back to the buisnesslike Scully I've always know, carefully deflecting my attention from the point in question. "Shouldn't we get the food ordered?"  I raise my eyebrows at her and she gives me a very fake, unamused look. We order the food and happily chug through it.  Roast beef and potatoes for me, salmon in lemon sauce for Scully.  We affectionately feed one another tit-bits across the table, laughing and joking about our different tastes in food.  I find out, much to Scully's annoyance, that she hates sausages, but loves-to-death roast duck. "I once had duck at my mother's for Sunday lunch and I could have eaten it all over again it was so good." "Must be your mom's cooking, Scully.  I have to say, she's a great chef."  Scully nods on a mouthful of pink fish and swallows. "Wait 'til you try her muffins," she says, closing her eyes contentedly to the imaginary taste of them. When the sweet trolley comes around, Scully swallows and declines.  It takes me a moment to remember that she can't have sugar and I blush, whacking myself mentally for having forgotten.  I regretfully turn down the wonderful-looking ice-creams and pies, but Scully looks at me, annoyed. "Mulder, if you want pudding..." "It's okay.  I couldn't eat any more if I tried." She gives me a disbelieving look.  "Really, Scully.  I'm stuffed." She smiles at me, her eyes softening, and I can tell she knows that I only want to make her feel better.  Actually, she looks touched. I smile and take her hand as we walk out of the restaurant, after paying the bill together and getting our coats and Scully's spare clothes bag.  Once we're outside she leans her head against my shoulder and slips her arm through mine.  She shivers at the chilly night and I wrap an arm around her shoulders, attempting to keep her warm.  She smiles up at me as we walk, slipping her arm around my waist. Our breath spirals upwards in the cool air, the orange street lamps making it look like we're spewing fire.  I turn to Scully, giving her an affectionate smile. "So...What was that you were saying about my nose?" She dips her head, trying to hide the inevitable smile. "Really, Mulder.  It was nothing." "Don't give me that, Scully," I say, giving her temple a kiss.  "What ever it was made you blush beetroot." She grins, sheepishly. "Okay.  You win."  She takes a deep breath. "You're nose kinda...turns me on."  I stop walking and stand in front of her, grinning like an idiot.  She rolls her eyes at my face. "My nose turns you on?"  She sighs and nods, running her hand through her hair.  I take a moment to think and then blurt out, "Why?"  She shrugs a little, falling into step beside me when I start to walk again. "I dunno.  I guess the thought..." She looks at me, nervousness written all over her face.  I find it endearing that she's even told me this much. "Remind me again why I'm telling you this, Mulder." "Because I want to know," I say, softly.  I put my arm around her shoulders again and squeeze her, reassuringly.  She sighs and nods. "Well, I guess the thought of it..." Embarrassed, she stops speaking and indicates what she means with a glance below her waist.  Her words make me swallow. "Really?" I ask, my voice going slightly hoarse.  She nods and I clear my throat, trying not to forget how to walk as the true meaning of her confession floods through me.  Lord.  We arrive at my apartment after a few minutes of contented silence.  Pushing for my floor when we're inside the elevator, I take her loosely in my arms.  "Thanks for telling me." "S'okay.  At least one of my fantasies is out in the open."  I raise my eyebrows. "So there are more?"  She lifts a hand to affectionately smooth the back of her fingers against my jaw.  She smiles, a note of teasing in her voice. "Definitely.  Lots and lots more."  She goes up on her toes and snuggles her nose under my chin, holding on to the lapels of my jacket until the ping sounds and we arrive on my floor.  We reach my apartment door and she smiles affectionately at me, leaning up to give me a soft kiss on the lips.  "Thank you for a wonderful weekend, Mulder."  I smile and wrap my arms around her. "That's okay.  I enjoyed it too."  She lets out a soft sigh against me and reaches up on her toes again to kiss me.  She breaks away. "'Night, Mulder.  See you tomorrow."  I frown, suprized as she turns and starts to walk down the hall. "Wait, Scully."  She turns back to me and tilts her head in a silent 'what'.  "Do you wanna come in..." I fade off, hoping she'll get my drift.  I don't want to sleep alone tonight.  I don't want her to leave me on my own.  I want to feel her arms around me again, lulling me into slumber... Scully smiles a little, a glint of hope in her eyes.  She eyes me suspiciously.  "As in, come in after a date for coffee, which doesn't usually turn out as coffee in the end?"  I smile at her, holding out my hand.  She moves back towards me and takes it. "Only if that's what you want to happen."  She chews on her bottom lip nervously, and all I want to do is take her up into my arms and hold her tight against me.  "Do you want it to happen?" She shrugs. "I dunno." I nod. "That's okay.  We can just share my bed if you want." She grins, obviously thinking back to our previous two nights. "That sounds nice, Mulder," she whispers, sighing and looking deeply into my eyes.  We stand there for a moment, relishing in one another's gaze.  Then I open my door and lead her inside.  I close the door behind us, watching her take off her coat and hang it on the tree.  She turns and sits on the couch, placing her bag next to her feet, finally looking at me.  I join her, resting my arm along her shoulders and she seems to think for a moment, then looks around the couch.  "Mulder?" "What?" "Do you still sleep here?"  I chew the side of my lip for a moment. "No."  She gives me a suprized look and then furrows her eyebrows at me. "This is gonna sound silly, but...do you have a waterbed?"  I stare at her. "Yes, I do.  How did you know?"  She shrugs and shakes her head, bewildered. "I dunno."  She grins at me.  "Good guess, huh?" "Yeah."  She shrugs again and sits back against my arm.  "Wanna watch some TV?"  I feel her nod against my shoulder and switch on the TV, turning quickly away from the porn channel I had previously tuned to.  I hear a slight giggle and feel myself blushing a little with the knowledge that she noticed the proof to my recent activities.  Oh well... After a while of just sitting together, watching not-much on TV, the clock strikes ten and Scully shifts against me, sitting up and then standing.  She reaches for her purse and leans over to kiss me, stroke my hair.  "Need to go have my shot," she tells me and I gaze into her eyes for a moment, trying to make her feel stronger, before she moves away into the kitchen. A moment later, she's back, cuddling into the warm little nest I made for her within my arms.  She's changed out of her dress and into the jeans and T-shirt, not unlike the clothes she wore when we played baseball together last night.  She pulls her legs up on the couch, resting them sideways over mine.  I smile at her and she smiles back, leaning against me again, snucking her head under my chin and wrapping her arms around my shoulders. * * * * * * After a while, we turn the TV off.  There's nothing worth watching anyway.  We just sit in one another's arms, feeling completely together and safe, for once.  "Mulder?"  I close my eyes again and press my lips against the underside of his neck, licking the skin a little. "What?" he whispers, his hand wandering over my back to tickle and smooth. I've been wanting to tell him this for almost seven years.  Lifting my head, I run my tongue over my top lip before smiling affectionately.  I fight the urge to hide from him and gaze into his own beautiful, hazel orbs.  He smiles back at me, leaning forward a little so he can kiss me.  I happily kiss him back for a while, biding my time.  What I'm gonna tell him next, I'll remember for the rest of my life.  I'm sure he will, too. When we break apart, I take my time opening my eyes, focusing on him.  His eyes shine back at me, the love he has for me lighting up his whole face.  "I..."  I sigh, smiling through my eyes at him.  "I love you."  There's a moment of silence as he stares at me, his eyes shining brighter than ever.  Then he leans forward and holds me to him so tight I nearly suffocate in his shirt.  "God, Scully.  I love you too."  I pull back and we nuzzle one another's faces, like we're cats or something.  Then our lips meet in a kiss so tender and passionate, that I feel all my bones and muscles turning into jelly.  We break the kiss and he begins to touch my face, gently, softly.  I close my eyes and sigh, tiny sparks tingling across and down my spine. "Mmmm..." I can hardly speak.  "Love you." "Love you Scully." I open my eyes and look deep into his.  "Always have done." "Me too.  From the very first day I met you."  He nods and stands, holding me against him.  He lets me go slowly and I slide down his body, my arms around his neck.  "You tired?" He nods and holds my face in his hands, caressing my cheekbones with his thumbs. "Wanna go try out my waterbed?" he asks me, a dark kind of flame in his eyes. "Yeah.  I'm beat.  All this bearing of souls has made me tired."  He smiles and the spark vanishes.  We walk hand in hand into the bedroom. Mulder turns to me as I begin to search in his draws for a T-shirt or something.  I'm not sleeping in my clothes, that's for sure. "Scully?" "Mmm?" I move to face him again and tilt my head at him. "Sleep in your underwear."  I'm somewhat taken aback by this request. "It's cold, Mulder.  I..." "I'll keep you warm," he promises, moving to encircle me in his arms.  "You don't know how long I've waited to hold you in my arms.  Just you.  No barriers, Scully."  I sigh and smile, nodding to his request and he lets me go, stripping off his shirt and laying it over a chair to the side of the bed.  The bed. I almost forgot.  It's a waterbed. I curiously poke the side with my finger and it flops around a little, bumping back into place.  I feel a slow smile spreading over my face.  It's actually quite comical.  I poke it again, a little harder this time, and it wobbles under my finger.  I shake my head and giggle a little at the silliness of it.  Where in the world did he get it from? I cross my arms over my chest and tug at the hem of my top, pulling it over my head with practiced ease.  I fold the garment and neatly place it on the chair, beside Mulder's shirt.  Pulling at the button and zipper of my pants, I slide them over my hips, pushing them off my feet and repeating the motion of folding and placing.  Goose-bumps rise on my arms and I drop my head, suddenly feeling self conscious of how much I'm exposing to Mulder.  I cross my arms over my cotton-clad breasts and swallow into the cool air of his bedroom. "Hey."  I feel his presence behind me, feel the heat radiating from him, against my back.  I take a deep breath and turn to him, letting my arms drop to my sides.  His eyes glance down my body, so quickly I hardly notice it.  He warms me with his gaze.  Lifting his hands slowly, he rests them on my shoulders, squeezing reassuringly.  I sigh, relaxing a little.  It's only Mulder.  It's then that I realize he's wearing nothing but his boxers. I swallow, laying my palms gently against his bare chest.  Feeling the soft hairs under my fingers, I lean forward to press a tiny kiss between my hands.  I smooth them up, over his shoulders and he chuckles slightly, rubbing my upper arms in his hands.  I hadn't noticed the cold before, his gaze being my spiritual radiator, so I step into his embrace, laying my head against his chest.  His arms wrap around me and I sigh, content to just be held.  His strong body feels so good against me. "We should get into bed before you freeze up," he murmurs against my hair and I nod against his chest, breaking away a little and taking his hand.  He leads me to the bed and grins at me.  "One thing I learnt is that you have to get into a waterbed *carefully*.  Otherwise you fall out again."  The atmosphere between us lightens and I smile back at him, snickering a little.  The image of him bouncing into bed and then bouncing out again is suprizingly funny, considering the circumstances.  He grins back, his eyes alight with humor and holds his hand out in a 'ladies first'.  I kneel on the edge of the bed and place my hands against the wooden side to steady myself.  I can feel his hands around my waist, holding me safely.  I climb over the tiny hills my weight makes, making room for him to get in with me.  I lie back on top of the covers and sigh.  It's amazingly soft and comfortable.  But as I look up at the mirrored ceiling, I feel a strange sense of deja vu.  I'm sure I've done this before with him.  I shake my head and sigh, not really caring.  All I care about right this minute is Mulder's arm across my bare tummy and his face next to mine, kissing around and around my ear.  I smile. "I've gotta get one of these," I whisper sleepily, thinking of all the nights I've tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable in my own bed.  This is pure bliss, it really is.  Rubbing my back against the sheets, I wave the water inside it a little, pushing it around under my shoulders.  He sighs against my hair. "Maybe you should sleep round here more often." I nod and turn onto my side to face him.  Reaching up to his face, I trace a line from his forehead, down his nose to the tip.  He smiles at me and I grin sheepishly.  I shiver and crawl under the duvet, holding it open for Mulder.  He settles in beside me and pulls the covers up to my chin, burying his face in my hair.  "Love you." "I know," I whisper, pulling his arm over my cold tummy and smoothing a hand over it.  "I love you."  His hand curls around my hip and his thumb rubs the bone lightly through my briefs.  I tense a little, wondering whether he's gonna push them down.  But he doesn't.  He pushes up on one arm, leaning over me, his face soft and tender, and drops his lips to mine. As we kiss, I feel his hand shifting up my side, making my skin start to tingle.  His thumb begins to circle my skin, sending sparks shooting behind my eyelids.  I moan a little into his mouth and his hand moves further up my body, coming to rest just below my bra.  His thumb continues to swirl around and around, barely touching the underside of my breast as it goes. He breaks the kiss and I swallow, laying my head back down into the pillow and sighing into his touches.  My eyes close.  Lord, that's so good.  A sense of peace begins to flow through my body as his caresses move nearer and nearer to the place I want him to touch.  "Scully." His voice is incredibly quiet, as if he doesn't want to wake me out of my trance.  "What?" I breathe, arching my back slightly against his hand. "I want to touch you.  Please, can I touch you?"  I nod my head and he sighs, slowly moving his other hand between my breasts to undo the clasp on my bra.  It falls away and his hand dips gently inside.  He smoothes his fingers round the outer edge of my breast and I smile, opening my eyes and gazing up at him.  His face is full of fascination and complete awe as he touches me, almost as if he's never seen breasts before. His thumb begins to move again, swirling large circles around and around, lessening the diameter until he's millimeters away from the nipple.  It hardens in anticipation and his circling slows until he's barely moving against my skin.  My breathing has grow deeper and I can't help but moan a little when he, finally, passes his thumb over the swollen peak.  A spark shoots straight down between my legs and I sigh as he begins to rub his thumb against my nipple in tiny circles. Eventually, the pleasure-pain is so much that my body feels like it's going to ignite any moment and I'm sighing and arching my back every time he circles his thumb against me.  I can feel the wetness building between my legs.  His other hand joins in against my other nipple and I gasp softly, closing my eyes to the pleasure he's giving me. And then he pushes up again and lowers his mouth to me.  I open my eyes groggily as his lips graze my nipple, causing a moan to escape my lips.  He smiles down at me and I close my eyes again as his tongue comes out and begins to lick at me.  He laps me like a puppy, his rough tongue feeling a hundred times better than his fingers.  I arch my back when the tip of his tongue stabs at the pebbled peak and his lips close over it, suckling gently. Mulder takes the opportunity to slip his hands under my back and slide on top of me, his lips still enclosing my nipple.  I part my thighs instinctively, and he moves between them, moving his hand back up to finger my other breast and hold me.  I weave my fingers into his hair, urging him on and begin to move my hips to the flick of his tongue.  I don't believe we got so far in two days.  We've gone from being best friends, to sleeping together, to kissing, to...well.  I don't really know how to describe what we're doing now.  I suppose you could call it licking one another, but Mulder's the only one doing that.  You could call it pleasing one another, and I think by the way Mulder is smiling and humming against me, this is certainly the case.  I feel his lips let my breast go and he smoothes a fingertip over the wet peak, bringing me down from my high.  He wants to take things slowly, and I'm grateful.  After seven years of foreplay, we deserve this much.  I sigh against him, relaxing again as he rests his head on the pillow next to my ear.  I can tell he's trying to keep his weight off me, but I wouldn't mind if he just pushed me a little bit further into the bed. I open my eyes, looking at his face and he could be asleep if his finger wasn't caressing me.  I smile at his closed eyes and slack features and I reach up to brush a strand of hair away from his face.  "Mulder," I whisper, touching a hand to his face.  He sighs against me and opens his eyes, smiling tiredly at me. "Is it morning yet?" he asks me and I smile, shaking my head.  I suddenly feel him between my legs.  He's hard.  I study his face in amazement.  This does not look like a man who's aroused.  In fact, he looks like anything but.  He looks so relaxed, so tender.  I smile.  Mulder has never been like other men.  Anyone else would have me pounding up against a wall somewhere, my skirt hitched up around my waist, trying desperately to come inside me, not at all bothered whether I'm having the fuck of my life, or not.  No-one else would have waited seven years for me.  No-one else could be Fox Mulder, no way. I push my hips upwards a little, barely rubbing against the bulge at his groin, testing just how hard he is.  He doesn't moan, just kind of squirms a bit, nuzzling his nose into the side of my neck.  I lift my knees and cradle his hips with mine, pushing against him again, this time a little harder.  "Mmm..." He murmurs against my ear and I lift my feet to hook them around his legs, tilting my pelvis up and bringing my center in direct contact with his erection. And then he lets all his weight rest on top of me, lifting his head and dipping his face to seal his lips with mine.  I push against him again and rub a little, enjoying myself no end and he breaks the kiss, exhaling deeply.  His face is flushed, his breathing deep and I can't help but smile.  "Mulder."  He pushes up onto his knees and I let my legs go loose around him.  He opens his eyes and looks down at me. "Lord, Scully."  Oh my God I did something wrong. "I'm sorry." I pull my legs away from him and sit against the headboard, wrapping the covers around me.  I lower my eyes to him and sigh.  I knew I'd fuck this up. "No.  Don't say that," he says, a streak of apology in his tone.  I look up again.  He's smiling at me.  "It's not that I don't want to...You just shocked me, that's all."  He moves near me again and I smile. "So this is okay?"  He nods. "Only if it's okay with you."  I nod. "I love you, Mulder."  He pulls me into his arms again. "I love you too." "And I trust you." "Ditto."  He leans into me and takes my lips with his, his hands trailing up and down my body. I suddenly get an idea and break the kiss, tilting my head at him, amused a little. "Mulder?" "What?" "Can we...try something?"  He gives me a suspicious look and I grin.  "It's a good thing." "Sure.  So long as it's not tantric originated." I chuckle and shake my head. "I just want this to be memorable, and, well, I read something somewhere that sounded interesting." "What's that?"  I chew my lip nervously and he smiles.  "Does it involve food?" "No."  I take a deep breath. "It involves you staying hard inside me for a long time.  Neither of us moving." I roll my eyes a little and giggle nervously.  "It's supposed to make you come like the clappers."  It's his turn to chuckle. "'Come like the clappers'.  Where *do* you get your phrases from?" I shrug and blush a little, nuzzling slightly at his face.  "Anything else I should know before..?" I smile. "We have to look into one another's eyes and concentrate on where we're joined.  I think they call it a 'Deep Valley Orgasm', or something like that." He nods.  "But I'm allowed to touch you before hand, right?"  I nod. "Yeah.  So...does that sound okay?" "Sounds amazing," he replies, his voice low and seductive.  I nod and smile as he takes my waist in his hands and lays me gently down into the pillows.  Leaning between my thighs again, he dips down to kiss me thoroughly and passionately.  As the kiss deepens, I feel his hands gliding down my body again, and then his thumbs slipping under the waistband of my underwear.  "Okay?" he breathes against my lips.  I nod and he slowly inches my panties down my thighs. "I love you so much, Mulder."  He pushes them over my feet and smiles down at me. "I love you too, Sweetheart." He rolls off to my side and lies down next to me, his head propped up on an elbow.  I reach forward to tug at his boxers and he helps me pull them off, his thick erection bouncing free and looking incredibly happy to be rid of the restriction contained within the garment. Placing a hand on the side of my face, he runs it carefully down the side of my body, to the top of my thigh.  He tickles the skin there, making goosebumps rise on my arms, even though I'm not cold.  He reaches between my legs and softly cups me, gently stroking the soft, auburn hair on my outer lips with his fingertips.  Shivers shoot down my legs and I gasp, closing my eyes into his caresses.  Then he stops moving against me and I feel the slight prod of a finger as he spreads my outer lips and begins to explore the wetness between them. He starts by touching around my entrance, spreading the building moisture forward, just a little.  I arch my neck back into the pillows and sigh.  He's so good at this.  He's hardly doing anything at all and I'm already beginning to feel the little sparks at the base of my back spread through my entire body. At last, he dips a fingertip inside me and I shudder under his hand, gasping and shifting my legs a little further apart on the bed.  I open my eyes and watch his face, fascinated.  His eyes are so serious, his expression full of wonder.  I drop my eyes to the apex of my thighs and observe his hand.  I've never really seen anyone touch me before, not many people have done it.  And from this angle, it's pretty weird.  But, as I pull the other pillow under my head so I can see better, I look up and smile. Above me, the ceiling of the bed is completely covered in mirrors.  I watch the reflection of Mulder's and hand in fascination and tilt my pelvis up a little.  And I can see my rosebud sex, glistening with the juices of my arousal.  I gaze up at it, my mouth open in wonder.  I remember studying my clitoris in a mirror with fascination, almost every night when I was about thirteen.  I recall tentatively touching a finger to it for the first time, feeling the tiny tremors and the nice sensations it caused.  I remember telling myself that no-one else would ever find my secret place.  No-one would ever touch or see it.  It was my little private source of pleasure that I would keep to myself forever. Well, I was young. The hand between my legs stops it's ministrations and I tear my eyes from my reflection to look at Mulder.  He's watching me watch him and his eyes are so dark.  Our gaze locks and a spark passes between us.  I shift my hips a little under his hand and he smiles, rubbing his finger against the bit of skin between my entrance and my clit.  My eyes slip shut and I moan throatily, relishing in the fluttering of my walls. Then he moves back down again, slipping his finger inside me and I gasp, arching against the bed and grasping the bed sheets.  "Mulderrrr." I groan his name reflexively and he takes his finger out of me and slips up to touch the tiny bundle of nerves. My special place. "Yesss..." Oh God.  This is so good.  He is so fucking good at this.  I stretch my arms above my head and moan as he begins to rub my clitoris in little circles.  Round and round and round.  Oh Lord. "You like that?" he asks me breathlessly and I nod. "Lord, Mulder...Mmm..." I begin to gyrate my hips against his hand and he speeds up a little, building the pressure gradually.  Oh my God.  I reach down and slip his hand a tiny bit further down, so he's smoothing his finger, back and forth, just under my clit.  Oh yes.  Oh God.  Right there.  Another finger joins the first and he presses them against me, the bottom of my tender nub between his fingertips.  Oh my God, this is so good. I feel myself reaching that tiny moment of no return, and I relax my pelvic muscles completely.  I love it.  The tremors start inside me and spread forward to where Mulder's finger is throbbing against me.  "I'm coming," I breathe, forcing myself to stay relaxed and take the beautiful warmth in my lower back and the gorgeous tremors contracting my womb.  God this is amazing.  "Harder," I whisper, barely managing to breathe as I feel Mulder fingers suddenly begin to press against me harder and strum more vigorously and I hold on for as long as I can, before I tense up and let myself go, bucking and writhing and crying out in his arms. Mulder lessens his caresses until I'm spent atop the sheets, attempting desperately to get my breathing back under control.  I'm so sensitive that when he takes his fingers off me, I grimace at the tiny pain.  But it was definitely worth it.  I've never ever come like that before.  It was amazing. Still trembling a little, I roll onto my front and snug my nose into the bed sheets.  My breathing's still a little ragged and after a while, I feel Mulder's arm wrap around my back, caressing my skin gently.  I sigh and push myself up, feeling his strong arms pull me against him and encircle me, keeping me warm and safe. His fingers smooth my hair back, soothing me into silence and near-sleep.  I rest my head against his shoulder and close my eyes.  "God, Mulder." "That good was it?" he murmurs into my hair. "Amazing.  Fantastic." I lift my head and gaze into his eyes.  "Perfect."  I smile at him warmly.  "Thank you." "You're welcome, Sweetheart," he whispers back.  I kneel up and press my lips to his, running my hands through his hair and down his neck. "Love you." "Love you too."  His hands begin to slide up and down my back, dipping right from my shoulders to smooth round my ass.  I snuggle against him and let my hand wander down his tummy to the line of dark hair running southwards from his navel.  My knuckles touch the tip of his penis and I feel a drop of moisture slick over the back of my hand.  I bring it up to my lips and suck it languorously off.  He tastes bitter-sweet and a little salty, and I wonder blatantly if it's because he eats too many sunflower seeds.  Mulder watches me do this and I can almost see his erection throb with want.  God.  Mulder wants me.  He wants to be inside me. I think I'm gonna come again. Good Lord, I want to.  But we're gonna do this Deep Valley thing.  I remember it saying in the book that it might take a long time.  Considering how turned on we both are at the moment, I don't think having to wait will be a problem for either of us. "You ready to try out this thing of yours?"  I nod and kiss him deeply, letting him push me down into the wobbling mattress.  I do a double take and push him away, just as he's about to descend on me. "What's wrong?" he asks me, a worried look on his face. "Can I go on top?" He smiles and nods, lying down on his back, holding his arms out for me. I straddle him and lean down to kiss him, reaching between us and rubbing my hot center over and over his penis, which lies flat against his belly.  I grin mischievously and Mulder gives me a suspicious look as I shift backwards, down his legs and bend my head to him.  I begin to lick him in long, slow, puppy-laps from root to tip, with the flat of my tongue.  The minute I touch him, he moans and pushes his hips up towards me.  "Stop, Scully." I lift my head, a disappointed look on my face.  "God, Scully.  Do that and I'll be finished," he tells me gently, and I close my hand around him, beginning to stroke him up and down.  He nods.  "Better." I smile and turn my attention back to his cock, trailing the fingers of one hand up and down, while using the other hand to rub around his base.  I slide my rubbing hand over the front of him and caress the sensitive ridge I know will make him moan.  He pushes against me and groans throatily.  I smile and let him go, knowing that he hasn't got much longer. "Right.  Here goes."  He smiles at me and I hover above him while he takes himself in his hand, ready to enter me.  "Okay?"  He nods. "Okay."  I smile and position myself over him, pushing against him until he slips easily inside me.  We both let out a long moan as I relax and lay my head on his chest, letting him slip further inside me.  I feel his arms wrap around my back and he just holds me a while, before I push up on my elbows and nuzzle my nose against his, looking deep into his eyes. He gazes right back and I sigh, concentrating on where we're joined.  I think I feel him throb a little and the feeling goes straight to my clitoris, sending little tremors through me.  Mulder smiles up at me and chuckles. "I felt that."  I grin and move, just so that he slides further inside me a little, and then I relax and he slips back out to where he was before.  His smile widens and I tense my inner muscles, squeezing him as hard as I can.  I smile as he moans a little.  "So..." He stops and closes his eyes for a moment, as I squeeze him again.  "What are we supposed to do?"  "Concentrate on where we're joined and look into one another's eyes."  He nods and lifts a hand to touch and caress the hardened peak of my breast, his eyes never leaving mine.  "I love you, Scully."  I smile. "I love you too."  He grins and reaches between us, touching around where we're joined, trying to find me.  I smile and tilt my hips forward a little, letting him slip further inside me and giving him access to my sex.  He frowns with concentration, and I know he's having difficulty finding me.  I try to take hold of his wrist to guide him, but he shakes his head. "Let me do this myself, Scully."  He grins a little.  "I'm gonna need the practice."  I grin and gasp as finally, he touches me, just under my clitoris, right where I like it. "Right there," I breathe and rock, just a little.  He groans and thrusts back against me, gritting his teeth and tightening his hold on my waist.  I can tell he wants to keep still and I love him so much for it. * * * * * * I can't stay like this for another minute.  I just want to move inside her.  I need to.  My heart wants to do what she wants, to stay still and carry this thing out, but my fucking penis wants to ram into her and shake her up like I never have before.  Which I haven't. Oh, why the hell can't I just do what she wants?  Okay, Mulder.  All you need to do is stay still for a few minutes longer, looking into her eyes and concentrating on where we're joined.  Okay.  I can do that. No I can't.  She squeezes me a little and gives me a sweet look.  I moan and my hips give an involuntary thrust against her.  Tremors sweep through me and I try and hold myself back, but another little push of my hips creeps into existence.  I can't do this. I pull her down to kiss her again, still touching her clit, rubbing and rubbing around the tiny nub, oh so gently.  When I pull away, her face is so full of pleasure that another pang of arousal pounds in my ears and the next thing I know, I slide inside her and out; four, five times. By this time, I'm panting.  I moan as she squeezes around me again and thrust into her a little more, trying to keep it slow and one-off.  I *am* going to keep still.  I have to do this for her.  I love her so much.  But this is too hard. And then she moans.  Now, she moaned when she came, when I touched her a few minutes ago, but this is entirely different.  This is the moan of a woman having sex.  Yes, there is a difference.  Sex moaning is long and drawn out, low and hoarse.  Sex moaning is like they do in porn movies.  God she sounds so sexy when she does that.  I let myself have another little thrust into her, but she squeezes at the same time and suddenly, I can't stop. I begin to pound into her, deep, long strokes that tickle the base of my back and make me groan out loud with every one.  I feel her begin to reciprocate my every thrust and soon, I don't care about the deep valley thing anymore.  I'm making love to her.  My Scully.  My sweet, loving, beautiful Scully.  My fingers strum her like Gabriel's harp and soon, I feel her tighten around me.  She's close.  Hell, I certainly am. "Mulder," she breathes against my neck, and her fingers find my shoulders just as her inner muscles flutter around me.  "Yesss.  Oh Mulder."  She's coming.  I don't believe it she's coming around me.  And it feels so goddamn amazing that I pound up into her as hard as I can, still caressing her clit with the tip of my fingers.  And then it's all too much for me.  I let myself go with an animalistic cry and she falls forward against me, resting her cheek softly against my chest as we ride one another's orgasm to it's highest peak. Fuck... And then I relax, still thrusting occasionally, not wanting to abate the tremors still spasming her walls.  They feel so good.  So warm and nice.  Scully's still moaning a little against me and I wonder if my finger is hurting her.  I know women get sensitive after they come, so I remove my hand from her and she sighs against me, her breathing still deep and uneven. We lie like that for a while, still joined and it's the most beautiful thing I've ever done.  This is more than sex.  This is harmony.  Completion.  Prominence.  It's just goddamn lovely. I lift a tired hand and begin to trace circles over the pale, soft skin of Scully's back.  She's so smooth, so perfect.  So beautiful.  I love her so much.  But I failed her.  I couldn't satisfy her with the one thing she wanted to do.  I couldn't fucking even carry out one, simple task.  I've disappointed her.  Let her down.  I always do, don't I? "Mulder," she slurs, snuggling her cheek into my chest.  I sigh and close my eyes, letting my head drop back into the pillows, defeated.  She's just gonna tell me that it was okay, but she'd rather be fucking someone else.  Someone who can stay still as long as necessary.  Someone who's not a stupid looser. "I'm sorry, Scully," I whisper, feeling the tears come almost instantly.  She pushes up on her arms and lifts a hand to touch my face.  Her hair falls over her face a little and I reach to push it behind her ear, letting my hand linger. "What about, Sweetie?"  Her voice is tired, but does not hide the worried tone. "I'm sorry I failed you."  I feel so run down, I just want to run away, right now.  She looks deep into my eyes and smiles sadly. "You didn't fail me, Mulder.  Why do you think you failed me?"  Her voice is so sweet.  A single, stubborn tear runs down the side of my face, into the pillows.  God.  I'm such a fucking crybaby. "I couldn't help it, Scully.  I couldn't help moving."  I begin to sob.  She must hate me so much.  "You just felt so good around me and I couldn't last..." I peter off, not knowing how to make her love me again. "Sweetheart, it doesn't matter."  I open my eyes again and stick my bottom lip out a little.  She smiles a little, leaning down to kiss my nose.  She looks into my eyes and I feel my heart warm again.  "It doesn't matter."  She kisses away another stray tear and I swallow, sighing deeply.  "It does.  You wanted to do this deep valley thing and I couldn't do it."  She gives me a sympathetic look and caresses the backs of her fingers over my jaw and down the side of my neck. "It wasn't your fault, Sweetie.  I don't want you to try and be something you're not."  I shrug and smile a little. "I guess."  She grins. "I couldn't help moving either, Mulder."  She smiles and shifts off me, letting me slip gently out of her.  "You felt so good.  Perfect, even."  "It was pretty amazing, wasn't it?" I reach up to softly stroke her hair.  She nods and smiles down at me.  "Like you," I comment, tilting my head to the side.  She blushes and then gives me a sympathetic look. "You have such a guilty conscience, Mulder."  I throw her a modest look and she leans over me to kiss me.  I kiss her back with true passion and love. "So you forgive me then?" She sighs contentedly and lays down by my side. "Only if you can forgive me."  I nod and smile, wrapping my arm around her, burying my face in her hair. "Love you," I murmur, feeling really tired all of a sudden. "I love you too," she replies, snuggling under the covers and settling me in beside her.  "I always will, Mulder."  She sighs and closes her eyes.  I gaze at her face, and lean forward to kiss her eyelids gently.  She rests a hand on my chest and smiles, laying her head against my shoulder and resting her thighs against mine.  "And thank you for a perfect weekend." "You're welcome, Sweetheart."  I close my eyes and move so that I rest in the pillows, touching my nose to the side of hers.  She sighs against me again and I watch her, slowly but surely, fall asleep. La fini.