TITLE: Six in One
AUTHOR: Fyre
RATING: NC17
SUMMARY: Death. Weird pairings. That's all that can be said. Oh, yeah - plus the title gives away the layout of the story...er...stories...
DISCLAIMER: Joss would have to be on something mighty strong to even contemplate chucking this into the show ;) It's all his, but I play with it in weird and screwy ways!
SPOILERS: `Welcome to the Hellmouth', `The Harvest', `What's My Line I & II', pretty much all of S2, come to think of it, `The Wish', `Doppelgangland', `Graduation Day I & II', `The Harsh Light of Day', `Wild at Heart', `Primeval', `Crush' - and get the feeling I've just played with absolutely anything that fell into my grubby little mitts?
NOTES: A strange gloveslap 43 on YGTS? - I have to pair off all the characters I HATE from BtVS ever, then have them kill my ultimate favourite characters from the same show, be they alive or dead in the first place. Turns out I had less hates than I thought, but still...
DEDICATION: I believe I owe this pleasure to Ragna. I bow to you, evil one! Plus, Blaire, number one is dedicated to you, as another birthday treat :-P


WARNING BEGINS! From here on in, there are just random scenes of violence and nekkidness. We have no plot people! No plot! Sex and death ensue in great gallons! If you don't mind this, read on! WARNING ENDS!


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Section Number: One
Section Name: I wish!

`Ooh! I hate him so much!' The Prada-encased undead foot stomped. To her surprise, the ground in front of her opened up and a short, brunette demon staggered out, choking on the smoke from her busted pyrotechnics. `Hey! You ruined my lair! I had it decorated.'

`Er...sorry?' The demon hazarded. A charm around her neck glowed. It caught the vampire's eyes and she reached for it.

`Ooh! Pretty!'

A prune-like hand smacked her hand away sharply. `No! Not yet!'

Harmony vamped. `Not yet?'

The demon hesitated again. `Sorry. I'm new at this. The last vengeance demon had the job for eleven hundred and twenty years.' She shrugged helplessly. `I'm still learning the ropes.' Harmony looked skeptical. `What? You don't believe I'm a vengeance demon?'

`You're a demon, yeah, but Vengeance. Pfft! Why would I need a Vengeance demon?'

The brunette pointed to the heap of smouldering CD's and smirked. Harmony resisted the urge to bite her. She had bitten a demon before and eww! `You want me to make his dick fry?' The blonde's eyes lit up.

`How do you...you know...' She waggled her fingers. `Make the vengeance?'

`I grant you any wish you want. Almost...there are a few provisos, limitations.' The demon almost smirked, but it was lost in the wrinkles of her face. `Rule number one, I can't kill anyone, so don't ask. Rule number two, I can't make anyone fall in love with anybody else. Rule Number three - I can't bring people back from the dead - it's not a pretty picture and I don't like doing it! Other than that, you got it!'

`You can't kill anyone?'

The demon groaned and rolled her eyes. `Doesn't ANYONE watch Disney anymore?'

Harmony blinked. Then thought. It took a while. `Ooh! Can you, like, make time change? That would be so cool!'

`I guess so.'

`Okay! I wish I was in Victoria's Secret in the Mall in Sunnydale at seven o'clock at night, on September 2nd 1998!'

Not bothering to check why those dates, the demon smiled. A quick commission meant she could get home in time to watch her favourite shows on Nickelodeon. `Granted.' Her charm glowed and both were engulfed in a flash of light.

Harmony blinked the spots of light out of her eyes.

Then clapped her hands gleefully.

She was in the shop, in the right mall, at the right time. And the same weird song by some weird band was playing on the speakers. Shiny Happy People. Whatever. Like there wasn't a better song title they could use.

`Ew! Have you got anything that wasn't, like, made by geeks, for geeks?'

The vampiress spun on her heels and then she saw her. She was convinced she was about to keel over in a dead faint. The blonde was standing at the panties rack, holding a lacy pair of briefs to her body and wrinkling her delicate nose.

`Oh...my god!' Harmony - the human - lifted her head at the familiar voice.

`Hello? Do I stare at you when you're buyin...' Her voice trailed off, staring at the black-leather clad version of herself. Her mouth sank open, eyes wide. Harmony - the vampire - had never wanted to have sex so badly.

She knew she wasn't gay, really. She also knew she was damn good- looking. Both versions. And how many people could say that they had been able to have wild monkey sex with themselves and not just mean with their hands or other flexible body parts?

Throwing a hapless shop assistant across the store, Harmony - the vampire - pinned Harmony - the human - against the wall and sealed her cool mouth over the other girl's hot one. To her surprise, after the initial yelp of dismay, the blonde human responded ardently.

`This doesn't mean I'm gay.' They hissed in unison, breaking away from the kiss. Then, both realising the stupidity of the words, their lips met again, fingers winding into lustrous blonde hair, tongues delving and probing lips.

Harmony - the vampire - knew that Harmony - the human - was still semi-innocent. Sure, there had been that one time with Devon, then she'd never seen him again. And most of the soccer team, but they had run as soon as they had done the work.

But, she didn't know what sex could be.

At least Spike had been good for something.

Ignoring the protests of the attendants, clothes flew every which way, as two identical blondes smooched their way across the floor of Victoria's Secret. More than simply smooched. Groaned, whimpered and gasped too.

Both could sense it was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

***

Sipping a coffee, clad only in a silk bathrobe, Harmony - the human - gazed at her vampiric counterpart who was curled on her, no, their bed. In more than one way.

The previous two weeks with the blonde, she had had sex.

Last night, it was different.

Last night, they had made love.

True, Harmony - the vampire - had then gone and eaten her parents, but Harmony - the human - felt a certain thrill that they died in the throes of her lover's joy. She made a mental note not to be around if anyone else made her vampire happy.

Not that it was likely to happen.

She wasn't about to let the only person who had the exact same taste, build and appearance as her walk out of her life forever. After all, it was way better than paying for a 3D mirror. She smirked. Especially when it came to modeling underwear.

And, she deposited the coffee on the shelf and made her way towards the bed, it would ruin their plans for World Domination.

Harmony - the vampire - opened her eyes sleepily and yawned. Her fangs were on display and glinted in the soft light. She looked over her lover, smiled slightly, then inclined her head in the direction of the bathrobe. `You're dressed.'

`Duh!' Kneeling on the edge of the mattress, the cord fell loose and Harmony - the human - crawled towards her vampire lover, her slender body and ample charms clearly displayed by the split of the robe.

Leaning back against the pillows, as Harmony - the human - straddled her thighs, Harmony - the vampire - reached out and jerked the other girl's mouth hard against hers, tongues duelling. The sheet between them slipped away, full breasts meeting and flattening against one another.

There was a rrrrrrip and the human looked down. `Harm! You ripped my robe!'

`Forget about it.' Her voice was low, husky. Her hand rose to cup one of the warm breasts. `It was ugly anyway...'

`But it was a hundred and fifty...' Her eyes widened as the vampire beneath her jerked her hips up sharply, her pubic bone smashing against the human's clit. The human uttered a gasp, her lips parting to reveal that delicious opening.

Brushing her tongue passed her lover's lips, the vampire rolled the human onto her back, nuzzling and licking her way down the tanned body, until her head came to rest between the other blonde's spread thighs.

`You going to school today?'

The human whined, bucking and waiting impatiently for her lover's touch. `The Mayor's going to be at school...it'll be way boring...'

`The Mayor?' The vampire's tongue laved over the soft folds of the human's warm body. the warmth increased. `The guy who turns into a big snake?' Her words were almost smothered by the hot thighs clamping around her head, forcing her back to her former task.

`Uh...huh...' Twisting her fingers into the vampiress' loose hair, Harmony - the human - hissed in pleasure. `Wears plaid...' Abruptly, the sweet contact was lost. `H-Harm?'

`He. Wears. Plaid?'

Suddenly the human realised what had been said. `Ick!'

`Double that and make it an ew!' the vampiress reached for her leather clothing. `We can't let him live!'

`Makeover?'

`Makeover!'

***

Richard Wilkens III smiled brightly as the door opened. Only two more days until the ceremony that would make him invincible. And gosh darn, he was looking forward to it! Life as an immortal demon was going to be swell!

Two blonde girls stepped in. They looked identical, in features, posture and attitude. Everything except dress. One could have been the ditsy sister of Elvira and the other was all pastels and cuteness. Something suspicious was going on.

`Hey, Mister Mayor.' Cute said, smiling brightly. `Nice plaid.'

Elvira smirked, reaching in her pocket for a cigarette. He gestured to the no smoking sign behind his desk. `Oops! Sorry!' She tucked the packet away. That was nice. Good manners and polite little girls.

`Well, girls. What can I do you for?'

Both exchanged glances, then reams of pinks, purples, mauves and lilacs were spread around the room. He didn't know where they had come from, but the soon-to-be-demon Mayor was suddenly feeling distinctly ill at ease.

`We don't like the way you look.' One said.

`Yeah,' The other said. `You should dress up better for the Graduation thing...especially if you're gonna turn into a big snake again. That was so cool...did it hurt when your head started to get bigger?'

Richard Wilkens III, for the first time in his life, felt faint. `Wh-what are you going to do?'

Both girls smiled and he knew that he wasn't going to like the answer.

***

`Is he meant to be...you know...dead?'

Harmony - the vampire - shrugged. `I guess he didn't like purple.' Swinging her human self into her arms, she slammed her down onto the surface of the desk and ripped aside the human's kinkily short skirt. Harmony - the human - giggled gleefully.

Both of them ignored the cooling corpse of Richard Wilkens III, who lay sprawled on the floor, clad in pink and mauve taffeta with a chenille ruff around his throat. His expression was one of terror, sheer inhuman terror.

As the fear took him - moments earlier- there was no doubt in his mind that he had met a Higher demonic power in the form of the two blondes. Death, he knew, had been a small mercy.

_________________________________________________

Section Number: Two
Section Name: Strictly Confidential

`Riley.' Strapped to the chair, the commando lifted pain-filled eyes to the reanimated corpse of Professor Walsh. `Be a good boy...' A needle slid painlessly into his arm and - instead of the unconsciousness he expected - he suddenly found the white-eyed creature before him appealing.

So did another part of his anatomy.

Maybe she was simply a corpse, but she had noticed too.

The straps were undone the moment the fully-zombified other doctor looked away and Riley was lead out of the chamber. A familiar, bleach- blonde vampire lay, tied down on a stretcher. He saw the zombie coming and rolled his eyes.

`What's he doing here?'

The Professor-zombie smirked, turning to unfasten Riley's pants. In spite of the tubes running through her system, he was pleased to notice everything seemed to be in working order. Undead and braindead mouths met in a hot kiss.

Spike groaned. `Not a bloody shag-pillow again!'

The commando chuckled and Maggie's white eyes seemed to glitter with fevered delight. Her pants around her ankles, she threw herself onto her back on the vampire's front, her white lab coat the only thing between them.. He grunted, her pipe mains slamming into his sternum painfully.

`Be a good boy, Riley.' She spread her thighs. It had to be the drugs, the soldier thought, but he was on and in her in a heartbeat.

The vampire grunted with every one of the soldier's hard thrusts, the bed creaking with the dead weight of two and the pumping weight of a third. Zombie-Maggie leered up at him, the fluid in her tubes bubbling furiously.

He couldn't say when he figured it out, but this Zombie who had once been his role model and...mother was showing him tricks that his Slayer never had. And he was enjoying it. She was dead. And he was enjoying it. And he wanted to keep moving inside the slime-coated, mucus-dripping warmth forever. And he was enjoying it.

Freud, Oedipus and shock flooded his mind.

Then scattered as the vampire beneath them yelp and puttered into dust.

Sweat dripping from his hair, he looked down at the grinning Zombie beneath him. `Wh-what happened to him?'

Maggie tried to look as innocent as a Zombie could. `Pencil in my back pocket.' She replied, before he kissed her again, felt a surge of resuscitative fluids flood his lips, and groaned with heady pleasure of the taste.

The vampire was gone. Big deal. It just made things a bit more uncomfortable. Maggie `s body burbled underneath him and he started moving again.

Suddenly, he knew what the appeal was in the Undead.

______________________________

Section Number: Three
Section Name: How Cute!

`But I'm meant to be the cute and helpless one.' Colin rested his head against his lover's shoulder and groaned. Yes, he had the body of a child (I know, illegal and such, but this is fiction!), but his mind and spirit was that of an age-old demon.

An age-old demon who was currently jealous of their victim who was strapped fearfully to the chair in front of them.

`Most people saw you as...well...' The victim looked surprisingly stubborn and resolute. `The Annoying One.'

Parker put his arm around Colin, as the younger form began to sob. `That was mean! After my father died, I learned what it is to be sensitive and that wasn't sensitive!'

Jonathan felt nauseous. As if being tied to a chair while a sleaze and his vampire-boy lover snuggled wasn't bad enough. Having them being overprotective and disgustingly trying to be cute was really taking the cake.

Colin's eyes glinted as he stared at Jonathan. `You can't understand what it's like to be seen as vulnerable...a smaller, helpless person...'

`O...K...'

Parker hugged Colin. Colin hugged Parker. There was mutual hugginess on both sides. Deep brown eyes stared into deep green. There was a moment of smoochieness. Jonathan was physically sick at the sight.

Parker smirked. Colin giggled.

More smooches were incorporated into a very bad story.

The sappiness and wishful attempts to be cute grew too much. The only truly cute figure in the room's eyes rolled in his head. A death rattle escaped his throat. Jonathan was the only person to legally die of an over-shmoopieness attack.

_________________________

Section Number: Four
Section Name: No Fair!

`She's better at being evil than me!'

A fanged mouth met a semi-fanged mouth and both glared in the direction of the brunette, who was casually tossing a stake from hand to hand. She grinned nonchalantly. They glared more, then exchanged a tender little kiss.

`It is beyond our control if you are not a good actress, dear.' Eyes blazed into jet black. The vampire looked sheepish. `Er...I mean that in a good way, of course.' The darkness faded and she smiled happily, reaching up to kiss him again.

`Love me, bad acting included?'

`Love you, stiff neck and strange body motions and everything.' He promised. She touched his ridges. He stroked her fur.

`Gonna do it doggy style?' Their mutual enemy inquired loudly, grinning laviciously at them. The huge vampire - still with the sign of the Vessel etched on his forehead - looked down at his werewolf bed-mate.

`Shall we kill her?'

Verruca responded with a snarl. For once, two different types of powerful demon attacked at the same time. Luke held the Slayer as his precious dog-girlfriend (which is probably legal in some State or other) savaged her and ripped her throat out.

The blood was everywhere.

To celebrate in the mood of the moment, they ripped aside their remaining clothes and had noisy, messy and deliciously kinky sex in the middle of the warm pool.

________________________

Section Number: Five
Section Name: Just...urgh!

`Bored now.'

`Then go away.'

Blank green eyes stared at the rutting couple, as if unwilling to comprehend the words being said to her. The man shifted, raising his horn-rimmed glasses slightly. The Slayer wriggled happily beneath him.

`Look, Will, no offence, but you're a vampire. I'm a Slayer. I'm having sex. Norman's maggots are...' Her eyes fluttered shut and her partner smiled innocently, withdrawing his hand, watching as it reformed from the individual bugs. `Were showing me a good time. Go away, or I'll have to stake you.'

Blood red hair spilled over the pale face. `Don't wanna. Wanna watch.' She eyed Finster's hands speculatively. `Bet it tickles...so many bugs...all wriggling down below...'

`I wouldn't say it tickles so much...hey!' Buffy glared at the red- haired demon. `Look! Just go already. I wanna have kinky sex and you're kinda interrupting.'

The red head remained where she was.

A stake whistled through the air, launched from a pocket-size crossbow. Willow looked down at her chest. `Ah, fu...'

`It's quite remarkable when you do that.' Norman remarked, grateful that the maggot-training school had taught him to speak better English since joining the Ranks of the Teraka. `But I know you can do...'

And Buffy learned just how useful maggots are in the bedroom.

And living room. And bathroom floor. And kitchen.

__________________________

Section Number: Six
Section Name: Kill Her For Princess

`B-but I loved...'

`Sh, I know, honey...' Pressing a kiss to his demon-lover cool lips, Forrest smiled, grateful for the power and confidence his new limbs gave him. For once, Professor Walsh and company had done something useful.

Dark eyes blinked hopefully up at him. `Kill her?' The plaintive voice whimpered. `Kill her for me? Kill her for Princess?'

Forrest shot a glare over at the swaying vampiress on the other side of the room. `My bad daddy has a new toy.' She twirled in a happy circle. `Boink, boink, boink, went the new toy. Such pretty fun and games...'

`Dru?'

`Yes, naughty boy?' She wagged her finger coyly. `I'm not a silly girl. You won't poke your nasty stick anywhere near my tummy.'

The demon-human-hybrid grinned, crossed the room at blinding speed. In his new, deep, supposedly-ominous-sounding villain's voice, he jammed the stake home and chuckled. `Wasn't aiming for the tummy.'

The vampiress erupted in a cloud of dust.

`Is she gone?' Shaking hands lifted away from dark eyes, still full of tears. `Is the nasty little slut gone away, never to hurt me again?'

Stroking his lover's cheek with a gentle claw, Forrest nodded soothingly. `Yes, Angelus (a la Season 2).' He murmured. `I did it for you, Princess.'

Angelus swooned into his arms and there was much nookie-making into the night.

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