Never Look Back
TITLE: Never Look Back
AUTHOR: Fyre
EMAIL: Fyredansa@hotmail.com
SUMMARY: Xander pulls one and and decides to have it out with Angel.
FEEDBACK: Tell me what ya think...please?
DISTRIBUTION: "You got the stones" and anywhere else that wants it - ask if you want it.
SPOILERS: Pre-Buffy Series 4/Angel - series 1
COUPLE: Xander/Angel
RATING: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: None of this is mine. I just play with it.
CLASSIFICATION: Lonely widdle fic
NOTES: This is a challenge from "You got the stones?" - Challenge #13 -"Pairing: Xander/Angel
Rating: PG-13 or higher
Xander ties one on and decides to have it out once and for all with Deadboy. Slashy goodness ensues."
DEDICATED: To Gileswench for this challenge :) You're the best!
_________________________________________
September 1999
I spent minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years trying to deny it, but I guess you know that already. All that time, those moments of fear, anxiety, confusion. Trying to pretend I was a normal guy. A normal guy who lusted after anything in a skirt with an appealing pair of breasts thrown in for good measure.
I was living a lie.
Not about the normal part. I am a normal, average guy, only I'm bisexual. Larry was right...there's something I thought I would never say, but he was. I may not be all out, straight up, in-your-face gay, but he knew what he was talking about. Denying it to myself was the worst mistake I ever made.
And hurting the ones I cared for the most. The ones I wanted. I wanted him from the moment I saw him and yet, I had to hurt him, make him want to hate me as much as I despised him for the way he made me feel. It didn't work. His beauty and appeal only grew. You can't fight feelings like that.
The experience at the strip club showed me that too. The men there were all so damn beautiful, it made me wonder if it was actually wrong to look, wrong to think, wrong to just feel.
Now, I know it's not. I know what I want. What I've always wanted. Even if he spurns me and turns me away, at least I can say I tried.
Tried...tried to bed the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on. The kind of man that every single man and woman would want or want to be. And I know which part of that I agree with. The wanting.
Buffy wanted him. She had him. She lost him. Drusilla and Spike too. Willow had a desperate crush on him. I was the only one of the group not to admit it. I didn't want to drive my friends away.
But they don't know what I have planned.
Supposedly, I'm still on my tour of America, Mr Single in his car touring and cruising for babes. If only they knew the truth.
But I can't tell them.
If I told them, I would lose my nerve and they would be shocked and probably disgusted, so I won't tell them. Not now, not ever.
If this leads to anything, it'll just be our secret. Mine and his.
Now, I just have to walk in there and do it. Wish me luck, trusty diary. I'm going to need it by the bucketload.
Signed,
X
~~~~~
"Hey Deadboy."
Angel's head snapped up, recognizing the voice, the nickname and the scent of the far too familiar teenager. "Xander." Holding his voice as steady as possible, his eyes flicked over the young man. "What are you doing here?"
"Is that any way to talk to an old friend?" The brunette pouted mournfully, his eyes fixed on the vampire's face as he slid into the seat opposite him. "Didn't you miss your old pal, Xandman?"
"Like a stake in the head." Angel grated, fixing his eyes on his drink. All the way to LA to escape Buffy and her gang and the most annoyingly appealing of all of them shows up in his favourite bar. Typical.
Grinning inanely, Xander shrugged. "I know you missed me." He leaned forward, his elbows resting on the tables, his voice husky. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, Deadboy."
Angrily, the vampire raised his head to glare at the boy, only to meet the teen's brown eyes, almost black with desire, staring at him as if - in Xander-terms - he were a chunk of chocolate.
"Tell me you missed me, Angel." His voice was an almost-vampire-like purr. "Tell me now."
"What the hell is wrong with you, Xander?"
Leaning back, a smug expression on his face, Xander chuckled. "I don't know, Deadboy. As far as I know everything's right with me. I'm just peachy." Running his fingers through his shaggy hair, he grinned. "I'm free."
Staring at the teenager suspiciously, the vampire's nostrils flared, testing for any kind of scent of possession or demon.
But the scent he found made him gasp with surprise.
Desire. Complete and overwhelming desire.
And that was never a good thing to smell if you hadn't had any action for a while. A self-induced vow of chastity was a hard thing to live by and the scent of other people's lust, sexual cravings and desire only made it a hundred times worse.
But, fuck! It was an addictive scent, pouring in floods from the teenager. More so than he - Angel - had noticed before.
Shaking himself out of the haze of the scent, Angel tried to focus on the words the boy was saying, his tanned hands toying with a pen, rolling it between his fingertips thoughtfully, absently.
"Mind if I stay with you while I'm here?" Crossing everything from his finger to his eyes, Xander swallowed hard, as the vampire seemed to pause to consider his answer, a pensive look on his face.
"How long you going to be in town for?"
With a chuckle, Xander knew he'd gotten passed stage one of his plan. "As long as it takes." He answered honestly.
With a shrug, the vampire gave the teen a half-smile. "In that case, I guess I have room for a little one." **And maybe we can find out who and what you're lusting after that makes you smell so damn delicious.**
Mentally, Xander smirked. "Be careful who you're calling little one." He cried, feigning indignation. "I'm a big boy now." He paused, meeting Angel's eyes again, before adding coyly. "A very big boy."
Choking on a mouthful of the red wine, Angel stared at the boy who grinned back at him, the image of innocence. "Drink go down the wrong way, Deadboy?"
**You could say that.** Angel couldn't believe what he had heard the boy say. Was Xander hitting on him? As in I-love-all-things-female-and-breast-decorated-Xander? It had to be a mistake. "Must have." He agreed, clearing his throat.
The pair sat in silence, each regarding the other curiously until the bar closed and they were forced to leave to the sanctuary of Angel's new home.
~~~~~
Flopped out on the bed, Xander's mind wandered to the man in the room next door, who was probably pacing back forth in that oh-so-sexy-broody-way. He could just picture the brandy-brown eyes focusing on the floor, as the tall, dark and damn fine vampire paced.
Either that, or sitting silently in the dark, brooding again. Brooding was a key feature of this guy's life, still. In spite of everything, Deadboy was still the broodmeister he had always been.
Walking to the door, he flung it open and stepped out into the living area, his eyes flitting this way and that, spotting the dark head of the vampire over the back of the sofa, bowed over something in apparent concentration.
"I'm just going to have a shower, Deadboy." The teen called lazily.
Angel nodded in assent, his attention still focused on the sketch he was doing. Any thing to forget the damn boy and his damn scent. His fingers smudged the shading, his jaw clamped tensely.
It seemed that barely seconds had passed when the bathroom door creaked open again and he absently registered the sound of bare footfalls behind him, a scent of freshly washed male washing over him.
Grinding his teeth together, the vampire kept his eyes down, determined not to let his lack of sex and that teasing scent drive him to grabbing the boy. If he didn't resist, there was every chance he would take the innocent - and straight, as far as he knew - boy with force. It was driving him crazy.
More aroused than he had been in a long time, he tried to force down any thoughts of sex or desire, trying to tame his wildly throbbing erection, trying anything not to think of the boy who had been naked moments earlier.
"Whatcha doin'?" He heard the fridge open, then a soft tutting of disgust as the boy took in the lack of normal contents, aside from the handful of stuff he had hidden in his car.
"Sketching." The vampire responded curtly, as the boy approached, a towel slung low on his hips, a tub of ice cream clutched in his hand.
Dropping onto the couch next to the vampire, Xander glanced casually down at the picture. "Buffy?"
"Uh huh."
"Look like her." Opening the ice cream, he looked at the lid suspiciously. "Dammit! They didn't give me a spoon! I hate that!" Looking mournfully from the chocolate-whorled ice cream to the vampire, he practically pouted again. "Do you have any spoons, Deadboy?"
"No."
The teen raised an eyebrow, then stuck his finger into the half-melted ice cream, a twinkle in his eyes. "Guess I'll just have to get by without then." He murmured, sounding half-pleased, half-disgruntled. "Won't I?"
Angel swallowed hard, even though it was unnecessary, trying his damndest to focus on the paper and not the boy who was lazily dipping his fingers into the ice cream and licking them clean.
Risking a glance, he took in Xander's surprisingly muscular torso, tanned a deep brown all over and still dotted with droplets of water that were dripping from his damp, shaggy hair. A small tattoo marred the perfect skin of his chest, a small sword skewering the words 'Carpe Diem' several inches above his right nipple.
"Like what you see?"
Despite all his common sense, Angel slowly looked up at the teenager's face, as the youth drew one finger between his lips and swirled his tongue around it suggestively, his eyes never leaving the vampire's equally dark ones.
"Xander." Clenching his fists around the arm of the sofa, Angel could feel the wood splintering, the hardness throbbing in his groin growing unbearable. "I think you should go to my room and lock yourself in."
"Huh?"
Angel growled deep in his throat, throwing himself to his feet and storming across the room, smashing his fists against the wall. "I'm going out." He snarled. "Now. You better be locked in that room..."
"Angel." Pivoting, his demons face on full display, he found the teenager inches behind him. "Look at me." With a snarl, he tried to move, but Xander's hands slammed against the wall on either side of him, his hot, damp body nearly touching the vampire's. "I said look at me, damn you."
Raising his face, his fangs bared, eyes blazing, he met Xander's eyes in disgust at what he was feeling, disgust he expected to see mirrored in the teen's.
"That's better." Closing the distance between them, Xander covered Angel's mouth with his own in a burning kiss, his tongue flicking teasingly along Angel's fangs, hard enough to draw blood.
The demon roared with satisfaction, the taste of the youth's arousal and heat leaking into the vampire's mouth as Angel's tongue eagerly dipped and swept into the teen's, the heat burning him up as Xander's hands pulled his mouth harder against him.
Jerking Xander against him, he ground his throbbing, denim-covered erection against the boy's eliciting a moan from the teen, his cool hands sliding down over the boy's hips to push the towel aside.
"Oh God." On finding himself pinned against the wall, Xander gasped as Angel's cool mouth moved down his neck, nipping and licking, his pulse throbbing against the vampire's skilful mouth, the cold hand wrapping firmly around his cock not going unnoticed. "Angel!"
His sweat-soaked fingers fumbled with the vampire's buttons, giving up as the shirt ripped, the small plastic projectile buttons pinging off the antique china and glass around the room.
Looking down at his now-bare chest, Angel's golden eyes gleamed. "I liked that shirt." He half-growled, capturing Xander's hot, hungry mouth again. "You'll have to make me forget about it."
"Fuck!" Xander stiffened as Angel's firm grip on his erection tightened, his fingers slowly starting to move around him, horribly slowly, teasing him with the pressure.
"Good idea." Practically purring, the vampire continued his ministrations, hissing with pleasure as the boy lowered his head, his teeth sinking into Angel's nipple, deep enough to draw a crimson rivulet of blood that ran down the muscles of his chest.
Trailing his tongue in the blood, Xander raised his head, his eyes smoky with lust, offering his bloodied tongue to the vampire, moaning in pleasure as Angel sucked his hot tongue eagerly into his cool mouth.
"You were right." The vampire nibbled his way to Xander's ear, grabbing the teen's hand and thrusting it against the bulge in his own trousers. "You are a very big boy. Want to show me what you can do with it?"
Sliding both his hands to the vampire's belt, he kissed Angel hungrily as he divested him of his clothing, taking in the vampire's equally large, eager-looking erection, his eyes laden with trepidation and hunger.
"Teach me." He growled, grabbing Angel and crushing his deadly mouth to his own, forcing the vampire's cool tongue into a battle that neither of them would win, their naked bodies entwining in the dimly-lit room.
~~~~~
Leaning back against the pillows, his left arm tucked under his head, Angel stared at the ceiling contemplatively.
A warm cheek rested against his chest, the scent of musky maleness and spent passion filling the room, the trail of chaos leading from the living room to the bedroom more than attesting to what had been going on.
He hadn't lost his soul, that much was certain. Probably because of the intensity and the confusion of the moment. His soul hadn't had time to think about what the hell was going on when a towel-wearing Xander had practically pounced on him.
Several times in fact.
It had been a long time since he could remembering having sex that wild and savage, which was another issue - his demon had enjoyed itself, but his soul was screaming about hurting the boy. His soul hadn't enjoyed the pain it was inflicting, even if was obvious that Xander and his own demon were loving every moment. Perhaps that was the difference.
"Whatcha thinkin'?" Xander asked softly, sleepily, his fingers tracing lazy patterns on the vampire's chest that was still marred by bite marks and scratches.
"Just wondering what the hell happened." His cheek resting against Xander's hair, he ran his hand over the young man's shoulder and back lightly, feeling the soft thumping of his heart.
Leaning up on his elbow, Xander smiled down cockily at the vampire. "I jumped your bones." He replied, a wicked gleam in his eye. "That's what the Hell just happened, Angel, old buddy."
"And you've been planning this for how long?"
Xander shrugged, tracing the fingers of his right hand lightly over Angel's vampiric ridges, which hadn't even realised were showing. "I don't know." The boy replied thoughtfully, lightening his touch as Angel purred, the feeling of a warm caress across the normally concealed part of him strangely erotic. "I've wanted to do it for a long time...just never had the guts."
"What changed?" His eyes half-closed as Xander's lips brushed over the ridges, he could barely form the words.
"Worked in a strip club." Gold eyes snapped open in surprise. "And no power on this earth will make you tell me the rest of that story."
"Oh really?" Flipping the teen onto his back, Angel leered down at him. "Is that so, Alexander LaVelle Harris?"
"Uh huh!" Nodding vehemently, the boy yelped as Angel licked an icy path down his chest, nipping his way towards the teen's already-stiffening cock.
"Are you sure?" He purred, cupping the boy's buttocks, one finger sliding roughly through the ring of muscle between Xander's buttocks, raising a gasp from him, as his mouth descended to play havoc on the teen's erection.
"No power...on...this...earth..." Xander managed to gasp, writhing against the vampire's icy mouth, his legs clamping around the purring vampire's chest, the thrumming, vibrating sensation rippling straight from Angel's throat to the engorged penis his mouth surrounded.
Breaking off the contact of his mouth, Angel ran his free hand up Xander's thigh. "You want me to play, don't you?"
"The Hell, yes!"
"Tell me." His finger wriggled slightly, a tiny smirk on his lips. "C'mon, Xander. I know you can't bear it. Remember who the Master is..." Xander eyes widened with pleasure, as Angel ground against him. "Tell Angel everything."
"NO! POWER! ON! THIS! EARTH!" The boy screeched, pulling Angel's mouth up to his for a dominating kiss.
~~~~~
Several strip teases and some more viciously hot sex later, Xander and Angel stood in the doorway of the dark apartment, both searching for the words they wanted to say to one another.
Raising a hand to caress the teenager's face, Angel smiled half-heartedly. "Thank you." He murmured, running his thumb down Xander's tanned cheek. "I don't think I'll be able to forget this night in a hurry."
"That was kinda the point." Xander smiled equally ruefully, reaching up to touch Angel's hand gently. "But I told myself that I would come and I would try and after that, nothing more."
"I can understand why." Angel nodded gravely.
Xander's eyes fell, brimming with uncalled for tears. "But damn," He sighed. "It was good."
"Definitely." Angel nodded, tilting the boy's chin up to sweep the tears from his face, a soft smile on his lips. "You came, you tried and we had a damn good time."
Hiking his rucksack up his back, Xander grinned, in spite of the tears. "And no one will never know how kinky our sleepovers get." He whispered conspiratorially. "No power on this earth, remember." He tapped his finger furtively against the side of his nose with a wink.
"I remember." Drawing the teenager close, Angel sought his hot mouth one last time, feeling the heat of the strong arms twining round his waist, his own hands winding into the boy's thick hair.
The kiss seemed to last forever, tender and gentle, everything that the previous few hours hadn't been. Kissing away the twin tracks Xander's reluctant tears, the vampire embraced him.
"Take care, Alexander." He pulled away with a whisper in his ear.
Drawing back, his face expressionless, Xander nodded. "You too, Angel."
Turning the boy walked down the steps to where his car waited and slid into the seat, never giving the man standing in the doorway another look.
Switching on the engine, he sat for a moment, a small smile playing on his lips, before pressing the accelerator to the floor and starting in the direction of the home he hadn't seen since Graduation - Sunnydale.
He had done what he came to do and he would never look back.
He would never look back.
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