Pure Stupidity

TITLE: Pure Stupidity
AUTHOR: Fyre
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere that wants it - just ask - and I honestly will be horrified and surprised!
DISCLAIMER: Not mine. As you can see by the complete bizarreness :) There's a lot to disclaim, so I'll stick with saying I'm poor and own nothing. There's just too many thingies in there to list...
RATING: PG-13, for the odd innuendo.
SPOILERS: None, really.
NOTES: Based on this AWFUL challenge 185 from one of my darling 'brothers in insanity' - Basically: Buffy with CATS, The Lion King, Monty P, Blackadder and The Matrix. Violent uses of :A mug, A spoon, a Platypus, someones tail (which kind I will leave to your imaginations), a joystick (THE COMPUTER KIND), A mobile phone, a dishwasher, a CD, a winged monkey, some dance shoes, and a piece of paper. Also: three deaths at least - by decapitation, electricution and being Lec'd to death. Eating of BBQ Pringles is a must too. If the title doesn't summarise my feelings and pretty much the whole darn fic, I am going to be very surprised. Humble apologies to those who actually expected something sane - this has to be my weirdest yet - beating even 'Death awaits you all' and 'Glad to be me' and that's really saying something! Gotta love the random in jokes between siblings :-P
DEDICATION: Muffypet, for being a pain in the bahonkey! You realise its my duty to humiliate you in public now, ni?


"Let's split up."

"Haven't you learned your lesson from watching the cartoons, guys?" Xander pleaded, looking at his assigned partner with an air of despair. "Can't I take Velma or Daphne? I don't want to be stuck with Scrappy again!"

"Watch it, mate."

Buffy and Willow looked to Giles, then at each other. "You can work with Giles." They grinned, leaving Spike standing on his lonesome as the Scoobies trotted off into a variety of different directions.

"And I have to help look for something weird. Bloody great." Stomping through the deserted zoo, he glowered into the cages as he passed, hands thrust deep into his pockets as he stomped, making as much noise as possible. "Something weird on a Hellmouth. What are the bloody chances?"

Pausing, he pricked up his ears, smirked.

Apparently, someone was shagging nearby. Someone very loud and vocal and clearly enjoying it in a very loud and vocal way. Following the sounds, he rounded a corner, only to find more cages, no one there and the sounds had stopped.

Inside the cage, a magnificent-looking, copper-maned lion stood over a lioness who regarded the vampire out of bored-looking amber eyes. Peering at her, Spike frowned, convinced he had just unwittingly dropped himself into a staring match.

"It's very rude to stare!"

Tripping over the low rail behind him, the vampire landed on his rear, stared at the large lion in astonishment. "Bugger me!"

"Actually," The lioness drawled. "He was buggering me, so if you don't mind..."

The vampire froze. Those voices. "You! I know you! They used you in that bloody Disney flick about lions and stampedes and stuff!"

A muffled squwack of protest sounded from behind the lioness, her tail flicking to one side, a long-billed, blue bird climbing over her rump and glaring at the vampire. "If you don't mind. They used our fame for purely monetary purposes..." He spieled off a list of figures at the stunned Spike.

"How'd you know all that, Zazu?" The lioness enquired.

"Well," He preened his blue feathers proudly. "One must know these things when one is King."

The Lion tilted his head. "When whose King?"

"Er...I was merely mentioning the difference in our royal managerial approaches, Sire." The bird grinned as best he could with a beak.

"Wait a mo...bird ­- in cage -­ with lions? Doesn't that usually mean lunch?"

The lioness smirked at the vampire. "Look at the bill on that critter." She reached up and tapped at the twelve inch long bill, eyes gleaming. "We don't call him the King's major Domo for nothing. Now, get outta here. You've ruined the mood..."

Taking the hint, the vampire turned on heel and fled.

If that wasn't weird, he didn't know what was.

Mental note: Never watch the bloody Lion King again.

***


Peering around the door, Xander glanced back at Giles, waved the older man forward. "Looks like we're all clear." He hissed, edging around into the animal house, a strangely fishy scent lingering on the air.

Skirting the walls, Giles grimaced. "So, you think you saw a demon come in here? What are we going to do if it appears? Scream for Buffy?"

"My thoughts exactly." Xander grinned at him. "Scream and run, dropping things as we flee into the night like helpless little girls."

Back to the wall, peeking around a corner, Giles dropped back a step, flashlight clutched to his chest, and looked over at Xander. "I have a cunning plan."

"Yes, perhaps," Xander held up one finger, wagging it at the former Watcher. "But I think I may have a more cunning one."

Giles crooked a brow, smothered a smirk. "Well, mine's pretty cunning, My Lord."

Xander rolled his eyes, shook his head, oblivious of the demon that was creeping increasingly near. Its incredulous expression would have been amusing if either of them had seen it. "Yes," He acknowledged, feigning boredom. "But not cunning enough, I imagine."

"Well, that depends how cunning you mean, My Lord." Giles prodded him in the chest with the handle of his torch.

Drawing himself to his full height, Xander returned the prod with a prod of his own, then firmly stated. "Well, pretty damn cunning…how cunning do you think I mean?"

"Well, mine's quite cunning, My Lord."

Exhaling a sigh of feigned ­ or quite possibly very real ­ frustration, Xander waved his hand, gesturing for the half-grinning older man to continue. "Alright, then, let's hear it! Let's hear what's so damn cunning!"

Giles nodded, grin widening. "Right, well; first of all, you get him to come with you…"

"Oh yes," Xander applauded, voice dripping sarcasm, eyes rolling once more. "Very cunning. Brilliantly cunning. I ask him to come with me and then...then stab him, perhaps. How cunning can you get?"

Giles released an undiginified snort of laughter as the teen moved ahead. "You realise we are both completely barmy?"

"Yup." He grinned, paused, a movement in the glass ahead of them catching his attention. Glancing down, he spotted what looked like a handle of a bat, his hand wrapping round the leathery surface. Swinging it, he hissed. "Giles, duck!"

"No, its a platypus..." Abruptly smacked forcefully in the face with Xander's weapon, he managed to mumble. "Bloody hell..." Before keeling over.

Looking from the fallen Giles to the bat in his hand ­ which suddenly seemed a lot furrier and a lot warmer and more unconscious than a bat should ­ Xander grinned weakly at the demon, then swung the limp body of the platypus with all his strength.

The demon bent backwards at the knees, Keanu-stylee, then straighening up smoothly as the platypus swept passed, over its body, and smacked Giles ­ who was just winning the struggle to get to his feet ­ across the back of the head.

"Bloody hell..." Giles-head, meet platypus and plexiglass shield. Consciousness, meet your close Giles-esque cousin, Un.

"Whoops."

The demon grinned evilly at the yonger man, who abruptly dropped his weapon, backing away towards the glass. To his astonishment, the demon grinned a little wider, then he fell forward, sprawled on the floor face first...

To reveal Spike, holding one of the large, stuffed pieces in the same manner as Xander had previously held one of the natural signs of God's sense of humour. He flashed a smirk at the boy, waved his weapon. "Like it?"

"Huh?"

He gestured to the massive stuffed critter gripped in his hands. "It's a sodding bat." He rolled his pale eyes. "What? Do I have to explain everything to you people as well as bloody well saving your hides? I am a vampire." He waited to make certain the teen was following. "This is a bat. I used it to hit someone." Xander nodded, still blank. "So, its a bloody vampire Bat."

"Giles." Desperately scrambling across the floor, he shook the fallen form of Giles frantically, his voice pleading. "Giles, please, wake up...Spike's testing his sense of humour...stop him! Please! It's scaring me, Giles...don't leave me!"

"Ha ha. Very funny."

"Unlike your jokes, biteless."

"Look, mate, I'm only still here cos I think I found some of the wiggy goings on." He shuddered visibly. "I saw the bloody lions from the film...the one that talks like the bloke from Star Wars, only on [insert selected menthol breathing aid here]...they were using that annoying blue bird with Blackadder's voice as a bleedin' dildo."

Xander nodded, propping Giles up between himself and the vampire. "Very good, Spike. Now, this is what we're going to do...we'll wake Giles up and then, we'll find Buffy and have her stake you for talking crazy."

"And you have no idea how much I'll appreciate that."

Blinking blearily, after another one too many hits on the head, Giles peered at the two young-looking men standing over him, then at the figure behind them. Muzzy-voiced, he pointed a finger at it. "Why we not fighting demon?"

Spike squealed and it was ­ indeed ­ a very manly squeal. "Hit it, Xan! Hit it!"

"With what shall I hit it, dear Spiky, dear…oh God…"

"Use the spoon!"

"Spoon?" A spoon materialised in the brunette's hand, adding to his utter bewilderment. He threw it, aimed at the demon. It sproinged loudly off the big and ugly bugger's head then poofed out of existance. Xander turned to the vampire woefully. "There is no spoon!"

The demon took an astonishingly slow lumbering step towards them. Giles giggled. Xander felt something slide into his hand. "Ew! Spike!"

"Er…sorry. Wrong zipper." Both teenager and vampire flushed rosy shades of pink. Xander focused on the demon, ignored the vampire and his anatomical parts. Something smaller, squarer and almost as hard slipped into the human's hand. "Use that."

Lobbing whatever it was towards the demon as hard as he could, he heard a yell of dismay from the vampire beside him. "I meant to call the Slayer, you bloody twat!"

The phone sailed through the air, the can-can ring tone grinding to a halt as the demon caught it and crushed it into powdery residue, taking another step towards them. It laughed, made the glass shatter around them.

"Giles, what do we do?" Spike shook the Watcher by the front of the shirt. "What kills a soddin' great big demon with bad teeth and bad hair and God awful taste in clothes?" Giles opened his mouth to speak. "And don't you bleedin' well say we'd find out if I went for a walk in the sun. I'm being bloody serious."

"Paper." The Watcher responded, mixing petulance with cryptic.

"Paper? What kind of paper? Bog roll? Tissue?"

Giles shook his head in disgust. "It's obvious." He muttered. "A4, non-lined, twin-punched paper priduced from wood from the nearest Junkyard."

"You mean like this?" Xander held up a sheet of the perfect kind of paper, which he appropriately had been carrying around in his pocket all day. Giles nodded, blinked. Spike cheered, grabbed the paper and ran forward.

"Die, foul demon!" He crowed, rubbing the paper in the demon's face. Nothing happened. He frowned. Shook the paper. Repeated the motion. Still nothing. "Xander, your bloody paper doesn't work, mate."

The demon grumbled. Xander sighed, retrieved the piece of paper and ran the edge carelessly across the demon's throat. Immediately, the over-large head dropped off, blood spuring in the air like a fountain.

"Buh…"

"Ever had a paper cut, Spike?"

The vampire didn't get a chance to answer, a large, furry, winged object plummeting from the ceiling and bonking him on the head. In the most dignified way possible, the vampire keeled over, legs straight up in the air.

"Bwaha!" Screeched a strange-looking monkey-cat-hybrid with wings. Then it, too, keeled over and promptly died. And sat up a second later. "I'm going to kill you all!" It crowed, then died once again. "You just wait and see!" It added, before dropping dead once more.

Grabbing Giles by the ankles, Xander fled.

The winged cat-monkey sat up. "Awww." It said, leaning over the fallen vampire. "I can't kill someone whose dead."

Then it chewed on some electric cables and died again, of electricution no less, before setting off after the Watcher and the teen, following the sound of Giles head thumping down the mile long flight of steps that lead away from the strange animal house.

A flock of winged monkeys took to the sky after it.

***


"Is any of this striking you as very wiggy?"

Glancing around the on-Zoo club, the red-haired Witch shrugged. "Usual night on the Hellmouth, I think."

The Slayer eyed the only vampire in the room. There was him, the Witch and a wide open dishwasher in the corner. "Let us out."

The vampire blinked at her. "None shall pass."

"What?" Groping for a stake, she was horrified to find none.

"None shall pass." The vampire repeated, grinning.

Buffy was about to speak, but words came from her that made Willow squint at the Slayer and wrinkle her nose in oh-such-a-cute way. "I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge."

"Then you shall die."

"I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!"

"Buff, I'm seeing major wigginess. Are you seeing wigginess?" Grabbing a strategically placed pair of dance shoes, the Witch hurled them at the vampire, gave him a mean glare. "Just let her stake you, damnit!" They were swiftly followed by several mugs that had been appropriately lying around the room.

The vampire gave the girl a reproving look. "I move for no man."

"She's not a man! No Slayer is a man, you dumb ass!"

The Slayer nodded, prowled towards the vampire. "So be it!" Tackling the vampire, she steered him towards the dishwasher, which immediately sparked to life. Efficiently tugging the vampire's left arm off with the machine door, the Slayer stepped back. "Now stand aside, worthy adversary."

Looking down at the gushing wound, the vampire looked back at the blonde girl, still grinning widely. "'Tis but a scratch."

"Wiggin' here, Buff. Snap out of it…"

Hazel eyes darkened skeptically. "A scratch? Your arm's off!"

"No, it isn't."

"Well, what's that then?" She gestured to the stump.

"I've had worse."

"You liar!"

"Come on you pansy!" The vampire lunged at her again, only to have it's right arm introduced to the dishwasher.

Buffy leapt back again, dusting down her coat. "Victory is mine!" She dropped to her knees, ignoring Willow's incredulous stare and folded her hands sincerely in front of her. " We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc…"

Prodding her with his foot, the vampire put in. "Come on then."

"What?"

"Have at you!"

"You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine." Buffy sighed.

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

Getting to her feet, she turned to him. Willow, by now, had given up, was sitting on top of the dishwasher and was eating popcorn, quoting right along with them. "Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left."

"Yes I have."

"Look!" She gestured to his missing arms.

He looked, shrugged, dripped on the floor some more. "Just a flesh wound." He danced towards her, kicked at her.

"Look, stop that."

"Chicken! Chicken!"

Willow snorted with laughter, added. "Nobody calls *me* chicken." Two pairs of eyes looked at her. She ducked her head sheepishly. "Sorry, wrong movie."

Clearing her throat, Buffy continued, dragging the vampire towards the machine again. "Look, I'll have your leg. Right!"

Hopping up and down on his one remaining leg, the vampire glared at her in annoyance, hopped some more. "Right, I'll do you for that!"

"You'll what?"

"Come 'ere!"

Rolling her eyes, Buffy propped her hands on her hips, raised an eyebrow in the fashion that strong females and most male characters seemed to be able to do. "What are you going to do, bleed on me?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony."

"Seeing more than one of them here." Willow put in, promptly receiving a glare.

The vampire jutted his chin out proudly, still hopping, never losing his balance, as balance is a curse that only mortals do not have, the forces of gravity being the vampire's friend. "The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then." Bored, Buffy despatched his other leg a la dishwasher. "All right; we'll call it a draw."

Turning to Willow, the blonde beckoned. "Come, Patsy."

"Patsy? And I thought Old Faithful was bad!"

The vampire, on the floor, wriggled towards her. "Oh, oh, I see, running away then." Both girls stepped over him, walking towards the door. "You yellow bastards!" He received a polite finger from the Slayer. "Come back here and take what's coming to you." The two figures disappeared and the vampire's wail followed despairingly. "I'll bite your legs off!"

Moving from the kitchen vicinity, the girls rounded a corner to find themselves face-to-faces with a flock of leering vampires. "Why am I getting the feeling that this is not of the good?" Willow hissed to her super slayer pal.

"Stay safe, Will."

"What are you going to do?"

"Go to Disneyland." Shoving her friend into a specially placed closet, she turned to the group of vampires and immediately began pummeling them.

Taking down one, then another, the numbers of vampires shrank from thirty four point two five to the nearest decimal place, to twenty. "Hoi, mate." A vampiress called to one of her counterparts a moment before being poofed. "She's winning."

"Well, you know what they say!" The vampire replied, before he, too, got on the wrong side of Mister Pointy, who just happened to appear so the author had a familiar plot device for the Slayer to use to her benefit.

"What's that?" Another vampire said.

"Well," One of the remaining ones struck a button on the nearby jukebox which sparkled and shimmered as if it had been there for the rest of the plot. An introduction started to play as the vampire spoke. "Some things in life are bad, they can really make you mad, other things just make you swear and curse…"

Two more joined in as the first received a stake through the ribs. "When your chewing on life's gristle, don't grumble give a whistle and this'll help things turn out for the best and..."

A dozen voices joined in merrily. "Always look on the bright side of life." They whistled in the correct places, in spite of their ever- depleting numbers. "Always look on the light side of life. If life seems jolly rotten, theres something you've forgotten and thats to laugh and smile and dance and sing, when you're feeling in the dumps, don't be silly chumps just purse your lips and whistle thats the things."

As the chorus rolled on, the vampires dropping like…well, dust. Buffy found herself whistling along and hurriedly ran to the jukebox, tugging several CD's from a compartment that no mere human would have been able to break into without a crowbar.

Still singing, the vampires linked arms, doing a slow-motion can- can. "For life is quite absurd and thats the final word. You must always face the curtain with a bow. Forget about your sin give your audience a grin, enjoy it its your last chance of the hour."

Five CD's were launched into the air, decapitating several of the dancing demons, leaving half a dozen vampires to finish the song. "Always look on the bright side of death, and just before you draw your terminal breath…"

"Life's a piece of shit when you look at it." One stated, turning to his surviving compatriots.

"Life's a laugh and thats the joke its true." Another agreed, clapping his friend on the shoulder reminiscently. "You'll see its all a show. Keep `em laughing as you go, just remember that the last laugh is on you."

Joining their voices they all sang as more and more vampires pulled themselves through windows and doors, to join the increasingly large can-can line. "Always look on the bright side of life. Always look on the light side of life…"

Shaking her head, Buffy did the only thing she could, slayed the jukebox with a joystick and commended it to God's mercy for all its most heinous and horrific sin ­ especially the Spice Girls CD's it seemed so full of. Then, she turned to the horde of silent, sulking vampires. Several looked familiar, but the one she needed was absent. "Where's Spike? Spike, of the Order of Aurelius?"

"Er…" A black-haired vampiress raised her hand quickly. "I'm Spike!"

"I'm Spike!" Another voice interupted.

"I'm Spike." A third screeched. "And so are my flock of winged monkeys!"

Slayer, Vampires and the Watcher and teen who had just stumbled into the room turned and stared in horror ­- or what could be compared to complete confusion -­ at the creature that had flown through a gaping hole in the wall.

It was…weird.

Small, brown-and-grey striped, with tufty ears and what looked like freckles smattered across its furry nose, large wings poking from skinny shoulders and a tail whipping this way and that. Dark eyes glinted with evil (?).

Striking a pose, it crowed, while gyrating in what it seemed to think was a sexy manner. "I am Electra, feel my attraction, feel my magnetism you will agree. I am Electra, I have the contacts, I am Electra, the future is me!"

Then it dropped dead again.

"What is that?" Willow gasped.

Buffy blinked. "It's Electra apparently…and where did you come from? I told you to hide!"

"I came out of the closet that you so efficiently locked me in." The red head grinned. Then spotted Xander, the fallen Giles and the platypus-shaped bump on his head. "Guys, come on, what did I tell you about those kinky sex games!"

Both men blushed.

"This is bloody ridiculous." A (bloody) sullen male voice (bloody well) put in. "All the weirdest bloody films in the bloody world are bloody well coming to life and all I can seem to say is bloody well bloody. It not bloody funny!"

Slayer, craply-singing-vampires, watcher-with-platypus-bumps, teen- with-blushes, witch-out-of-the-closet-but-not-yet-under-a-house-by- divine-virtue-of-the-choice-of-movies and newly-revived-winged-monkey- cat-thing turned to the chipped-but-I'm-still-big-and-bad-vampire.

"That's it." Giles mumbled. "Good Lord, how could I have been so stupid?"

"Because you do a moment of that every week, so we can drag the plot of an episode out after you find out I got myself another unsuitable boyfriend?" A pause, a non-Slayer mouth opens. "And before you ask, Spike. NO!"

A very British pout ensued.

"Never mind, pouting, Giles, what have you realised?"

"It's a spell!"

"Duh! We figured that out when Buffy started quoting Monty Python…"

"We did?" Blond look intensified. "I did?"

"This is inconceivable!" Much pacing and rubbing of glasses began, silver hoop earing glinting in the light.

"I'm going to kill you all! Bwah-ha!" Another death on the tally of the cat-monkey.

"Oh, do shut up."

"As you wish." Death number…er…I lost count.

"A-ha!"

Multiple sets of eyes swung to the Watcher. "Have you found something?"

"It has to be Ethan Rayne!"

Doubling of the blondness that seemed to have spread to Xander. "It does?"

"Of course! He hasn't featured in this season yet, so he is the only explanation, when things go horribly awry, in a strange, but comedic way!"

"Unless I do a spell." Willow noted.

"Well, yes…"

"Or I sleep with my ex-boyfriend." Buffy supplied helpfully.

"Um…yes, that too…only less with the comedic and more with the homicidal maniac."

"Or when I offer to help!" Xander added.

Giles sighed, threw his glasses at him. "Shut up! Just all of you shut up! You haven't shagged your ex, you haven't done a spell, you did something to help and knocked me unconscious…I think we've covered all of our bases, all right?"

"Or I decide I'm going to be evil and get someone to do the bloody dirty work."

"IT WAS ETHAN!!!"

All fell silent, staring at the fuming Watcher in apprehension, waiting to see if ­ he too ­ would go on some mass killing spree for the sheer fun of it.

Another voice interrupted. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for you darn kids."

"I think he means `I would have gotten away with it, if I hadn't just popped out of the shadows to do my usual "Well, gosh-diggity- darn, I forgot to run and stayed to gloat", even though I would inevitably get caught and have the living crap kicked out of me by the pissed-off Slayer."

The other Englishman's face fell. "Oh bugger! I did it again!" Pouting, he struck a pose made famous by Marilyn Munroe and warbled. "Oops, I did it again, I played with you heart…and pathetic little lives and made you look like a bunch of tossers!"

"Is it just me, or is he looking more and more like Britney Spears?" Xander murmured, going freakishly doe-eyed.

"Meep!" The monkey-cat screeched, then died again.

"You know, I really ought to be going…"

"Aww, Ethan, we haven't even got to your ceremonial pummeling yet."

He grinned. "As much as I appreciate showing up once in a blue moon, I have to say that wouldn't be the highlight of my day. For now, I'll be good, break the spell and skip the country…bippity, bobbity boo!"

In a flash of light, Ethan, the horde of vampires, the strange scenery-that-would-never-ever-appear-in-the-show, the winged cat- monkey and its horde of Winged Monkeys, the dishwasher and the strategically placed props disappeared into thin air.

"Well…that was interesting…"

"I say we celebrate with much stupid-looking boogieing at the Bronze, then a feast of Bar-B-Q flavoured Pringles!"

"All in favour say `Ni'!"

"Ni?"

A pause.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAANNN!"

And somewhere in the distance, a mad English sorceror cackled and danced into the night followed by his tribe of dancing broomsticks!


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