"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that the
English language is as pure as a crib-house whore.
It not only borrows words from other languages; it has on occasion chased other languages down dark alley-ways, clubbed them unconscious and rifled their pockets for new
vocabulary."
~ James Nicoll
*********************************************
tkraemer+ark@world.std.com
says...
:Since I've only been officially single for a very short time
:and the harlot next door is praying to her OH GOD OH GOD again,
:I thought I'd use Google to look up some old girlfriends.
dpacheco replies...
Excellent idea! Here are my results for your perambulatory perusal:
Girlfriend #1: Gained a *lot* of weight, then lost most of it when she committed suicide. Must try and hook up with her again to see if I notice the difference when we have sex.
Girlfriend #2: Lost 180lbs. of ugly fat. When she left me. HAW HAW! Thank you folks, I'll be here all week, try the veal.
Girlfriend #3: Became lesbian terrorist ballerina. Joined the extremist interpretative dance wing of Hamas, apparently.
Girlfriend #4: Doesn't have a home page (according to Google), but does appear in several "California Missing Persons Report" government pages. I still remember the look of surprise on her face the last time she saw me. Good times... good times. I wonder where she is now?
Oh wait... I remembered.
Girlfriend #5: Shuns all human contact these days. Her web page reads "Welcome to Microsoft FrontPage! Your personal information should go here!" I think she married some guy because he said his name was "Holden Caulfield", and then divorced him about two weeks later when she found out he was really ex-Nazi top man Albert Speers.
Girlfriend #6: Married Larry King twice, on three separate occasions. Now appearing on FoodTV on her own program "Cooking Without Bitterness". According to TVGuide.com, this Thursday's features are a special on Spanish wines made from sour grapes and how to use vinegar as a mouthwash.
Girlfriend #7: Published several not-very-complimentary books on our relationship. Would probably have already published many more if the hospital were willing to give her something sharper than a crayon. Called her a couple of weeks ago so she could scream at me over the phone for two hours, an arragement she negotiated as part of her plea bargain: I'll never use *that* lawyer again. Nice girl, though; her voice gets softer after the first 90 minutes of shouting "YOU'RE SATAN! SATAN! FUCKER!" over and over, and then it just trails out to a hoarse whisper. I find it kinda sexy in a cigarettes and whiskey kind of way, but of course I can never tell her that, under the rules of my restraining order.
Girlfriend #8: Looking her up I realized that she just lost the Florida Democratic party nomination. Should call, cheer her up. Good dancer, I recall.
Girlfriend #9: Really just Girlfriend #3 wearing a different costume and talking in a really fake Southern accent. All the pages I wrote about her were ripped out of my Courage Journal, and all the pages after her are, for some reason, covered in French's honey mustard. She appears in Google under the "Miscellaneous" category.
Girlfriend #10: Thought she wasn't anywhere on Google until I remembered she changed her name from "Wendy" to "Walter". From the pictures on the home page, a few other things have changed, too.
Girlfriend #11: Hmmm. Found her home page on Google, but all it seems to be is a black index page with a looping .WAV file of her screaming "OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD" and the words "blackness... horrible blackness" and "tear out my eyes for what they have seen" flashing across the page at regular intervals.
Girlfriend #12: My memories of her have been preserved forever, and are currently being used as a charm to ward off evil and vampires. Gives a bad name to all carbon-based life forms. Her web page takes advantage of a buffer overload bug in Microsoft's implementation of the Java Virtual Machine to poke you in the eye with a stick.
Girlfriend #13: Married a big shot in the lucrative (and harshly competitive) world of catering Kennedy family trials. Has two kids: one of them is still protesting U.S. involvement in the Crimean War, the other one casts no shadow. Found her through the web page for her small home-based business, teaching ponies to yodel.
Girlfriend #13: I loved the way she smelled, so I had her rendered into soap. No mentions found on Google.
There were more after her, but it's hard to read search engines on the Web through the tears. The very last one I convinced to marry me, which means her only discernible fault is her appallingly low standards.
-davidpacheco
*********************************************
MORE