Tonight with David Pacheco
An Evening of Off-the-Cuff Remarks, Random Non-
Sequiturs, Blatant Lies and Unintentional
Misinterpretations of Common Quotes
and Conventional Wisdom.
Tonight's Very Special Guests are Top English tennis player Tim Henman and actress Angelina Jolie. And now... heeeeeeere's David!
Thank you, thank you, everyone. Wonderful to be here. Tonight's first guest has been ubiquitous in the news lately: winner of seven Golden Grahams and two Ace Awards for excellence in late- night cable nudity, he recently completed a critically-acclaimed European tour with his latest show "Carbon Dating Gophers in America", ending up with a fabulous week-long show in London, during which he won the prestigious Wimbledon tennis chapionship in spectacular fashion, defeating current champion Bjorn Borg in straight sets, 6-1, 6-2, 15-love, -43-9, beansprout-turnip. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my first guest, Tim Henman!
DP: Welcome to the show, Tim.
TIM HENMAN: Thanks. Before we start, I did want to mention that I actually didn't win Wimbledon this year.
DP: Really?
TH: Yes. And most of the other stuff that you said wasn't true either.
DP: Those are nice pants.
TH: Thanks.
DP: Leather?
TH: No, cotton blend, I think. I did play in Wimbledon this year, but I didn't make it to the finals.
DP: Well, you know what they say, Tim: 'If at first you don't succeed, you might be cursed, so it's best to figure out who you pissed off before trying again."
TH: Who says that?
DP: My close personal friend, Pope John Paul II. Tim, at what point during the final match at Wimbledon did you feel that the tide turned? When did it all start falling apart?
TH: You know, my opponent played really, really well in the first set. I didn't feel like I did too much right. But then when he changed things around a bit, I started to have more and more problems. I don't think there was an exact point in which the tide turned, as you say, but...
DP: Sorry, I'll stop you right there Tim. Why the avoidance? Why do you feel this fear towards answering my questions?
TH: I was answering you. You asked when the game starting to go wrong, and I was...
DP: That's enough, right there. I see we're going to be getting nowhere with this interview, and if you don't mind I'd like to stop it right here. Thank you for being on the show.
TH: You're... welcome, I guess.
DP: Good night.
TH: Good night.
DP: So do you think you will ever win Wimbledon?
TH: Excuse me? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were finished with the interview.
DP: Now why would you think that?
TH: You said you were.
DP: Are you always this evasive?
TH: I'm not being evasive, you said the interview was finished!
DP: Why thank you. Tim, what were the feeling running through your mind when you finally finished the book?
TH: What book?
DP: "Infinite Jest".
TH: I haven't read it.
DP: Really? You should, wonderful read. Watch out for the footnotes, though: I started reading one and ended up on a different book altogether. I think it was something by David Sedaris. Treacherous things, footnotes.
TH: OK. I'll keep that in...
DP: Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Henman!
TH: Oh. Thank you.
DP: Welcome to the show. Are you in town the whole week?
TH: I live here, actually.
DP: Really? How extraordinary! Tim, I'd like you to hold up this series of cards with ink blots on them, and tell me what you think I see in each one.
TH: Oh, OK. Ummm... a butterfly?
DP: God, no! That's Anna Kournikova in a passionate embrace with Britney Spears. You're pretty crap at this, aren't you?
TH: Listen, are you sure I'm on the right show?
DP: Well if you're not, Tim, you can always apply for asylum on this one. Ladies and gentlemen, Wimbledon champion Tim Henman!
TH: I didn't win Wimbledon.
DP: You didn't? Good heavens! This dating agency is *terrible*! So do you feel as if you are in between a rock and a hard place at this point in your career, Tim?
TH: In what way?
DP: Well, here's a rock.
TH: Y...eeeees?
DP: Oh. I see what you mean. Hah hah! How silly of me! Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome two-time Oscar nominee Tim Henman! Tim, great to have you on the show.
TH: Thanks, I think. Are you sure you're OK, David?
DP: Why, what have they told you?
TH: Nothing, you're just a little confusing.
DP: My mother had a saying for situations like this.
TH: Really?
DP: Yes, she did. She always used to tell me "Please, please don't unplug the iron lung!"
TH: That's terrible. Was she very ill?
DP: No, not at all. Picture of health. But enough about you, for Pete's sake! It's your show, let's talk about me. Would you like to see my tattoo?
TH: I'm not entirely sure.
DP: Fair enough. That which does not kill me, makes me longer: any reactions to that?
TH: None I can think of.
DP: Hmmmm. Innnnn...teresting. Why would you say that?
TH: Can I go?
DP: Of course, you're free as a lord.
TH: Thank you. Good night.
DP: So will we see you in Wimbledon next year?
TH: I'm leaving now.
DP: Your relationship with Arvind Palmer: has it improved since you broke him in half over your knee?
TH: Goodbye.
DP: Ladies and gentlemen, Tim Henman! I'm very excited to have my next guest on this show, since we've been trying to get her on for almost a whole year now, ever since the news broke about her incestuous relationship with my close, personal friend, Pope John Paul II. A social butterfly of the highest order, she is rarely seen without a drink in her hand and accompanied by the world's largest Leonardo DiCaprio imitator, Seņor Sanders. Her new book, "My Life, My Rules, Three Owl Babies and the American Heritage Dictionary", was recently published by Simon and Schuster in pop- up format in seven similar languages. Anchored to the chair with two feet of heavy chain to prevent her from mauling members of the audience, ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome to Angelina Jolie! Angelina, welcome to the show.
ANGELINA JOLIE: Thanks, David. It's good to be on.
DP: Isn't it? There isn't a day that goes by when I don't thank the Lord for this show, except for the weekends, when it's not on. I swear, if it weren't for this show, I'd be out there with the rest of them, enticing chipmunks to put on a dance routine for the kids.
AJ: David, are you OK?
DP: Of course, never been better. Are *you* OK?
AJ: You just seem a little... erratic tonight, that's all.
DP: Of course, I understand. Prescription medication?
AJ: No, I'm not...
DP: Actually, I was offering, but have it your way. So how's the new husband?
AJ: I can't really talk about it much, but we've, ah, we've filed for divorce actually.
DP: Really? Can you talk about it?
AJ: No, I just said that...
DP: Can I ask you a personal question?
AJ: I don't know.
DP: Pope John Paul II once stated to a crowd gathered in St. Paul's Square that "Christ is asking the young people of the World Youth Day: 'Whom shall I send?'". For twenty-two thousand dollars and a balding stuffed monkey, Angelina, WHO did the Pope end up sending?
AJ: David, I'm worried about you. So is your staff.
DP: Over a lousy twenty-two thousand? I'm good for it, you know I am. David Foster Wallace owes me over two hundred *grand*, and I'm not worried.
AJ: Can we talk about my movie?
DP: Yes, of course we can. Wait... you have a movie?
AJ: Yes, it's called "Gone in 60 Seconds", and it stars Nick Cage and me.
DP: Well no wonder I haven't seen you in ages. So what made you decide to start acting?
AJ: Oh, I've wanted to be an actress since I was a little girl. I used to stand in front of the mirror with a hairbrush, you know, like kids do, and I would lip-synch to...
DP: What does this inkblot look like to you?
AJ: I... ummm. Ah, I don't know, it looks a bit like two faces looking at each other?
DP: Really? See, to me it just looks like an inkblot, but my therapist says I should get out more. Are you angry with me?
AJ: David, you really need help.
DP: Why, does this look heavy?
AJ: No, I mean *professional* help.
DP: Of course, you're right: union rules. Well, you just sit over there for a second while we move the desk over here. Can I get a couple of volunteers from the audience? No? OK then, everybody stay *real* quiet, and I'll try to kill it with my microphone. Go ahead, Angelina, tell us more about the movie while I try and catch this thing.
AJ: Well, uh... it stars Nick Cage, like I said before.
DP: Uh-huh. [ * WHAP * ]
AJ: And Nick plays this guy whose brother is in trouble with...
DP: Uh-huh. Go on. [ * WHAP * ]
AJ: David, you're scaring me.
DP: You are angry, I can tell. Does this look infected to you?
AJ: Oh my God.
DP: It does, doesn't it?
AJ: That is *so* gross.
DP: Isn't it? Apparently George II wore it on his deathbed so that evil spirits wouldn't "steal his essence."
AJ: I think I'm going to be sick.
DP: But you see, *I* wear it... like... so! On my head! So Angelina, I hear this new movie of yours is a remake of an older movie. What was that older movie called?
AJ: I don't know if I can talk to you with that thing on your head.
DP: Fair enough. Then I have to further option but to conclude this interview. Ladies and gentlemen, former Miss Nude America, Mr. Tim Henman!
And now for my final thought: the issues faced by today's young parents are many and varied, but none is more important than that of appropriate punishment. Kids will push and push and push, and if you don't respond in a way that sends a message, a manner that really hits them where it hurts, then they will destroy you like cockroaches. Violence is what these kids grew up with, it's the only language they understand, and establishing superiority is a matter of taking them down as quickly and violently as possible, in order to gain their respect. Violence is the way forward: are you all with me on that? I SAID, ARE YOU ALL *WITH* ME?
That's right. If you're not with me, then you're against me: that's what my father used to say, and he was a trained freelance scientist. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, there are so many other, better reasons to hate me, and each one comes with a framed certificate guaranteeing its uniqueness. I have a monkey in my brain, and if I peel back the face on my skin, like so, you can see its beady little eyes staring straight into the blackness you call your soul.
I call him "Monkey", because that's what he is.
My guests on tomorrow night's live show will be famed stars of screen and stage Pope John Paul II and David Foster Wallace. Please join me as we force them offstage by pelting them with garbage. Good night, and God save the surviving members of Milli Vanilli.
-dp.
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