I must apologize for the delay in our communications, we at HQ have had a small touch of an anthrax scare. We received several kilos of white powder addressed to Agent H from Colombia. It was sent to the lab techs who report it was NOT anthrax and generously offered to dispose of it.
Currently there seems to be an influenza bug which at the moment seems to be confined to the lab staff. They're all red-eyed and wiping their noses. Since then I've put Agent Y in charge of opening all mail. It seems, although barely, within her capabilities.
As to Agent Houston, he showed up on our doorstep last week looking like a refugee from Hell. We immediately looked to his needs, questioned him closely, and received a satisfactory explanation. Apparently he was laid up in 'pindi with a bad case of "Delhi belly" and I know from experience how debilitating that can be. His mistake was in "eating local" rather than sticking to the MREs. You should take this as a caution. He managed a full recovery and came to report in person, to avoid misunderstandings. He was cleared of all charges and the quacks reassure me the fingernails will probably grow back as good as new. Hopefully most of the rest can be covered by a large tattoo.
The Navy Dept. has been on my wick all week and I have been busy reassuring them that Houston commandeering a jump-jet off the Enterprise was not a recommended policy of this department. A memo has been sent and he has been cautioned and understands this will go on his permanent record.
He insisted on being sent back to field operations, saying he had something in his pocket that Scully needed but gave "need-to-know" when pressed for further explanation. He may have this 'flu as well so take appropriate hygiene precautions when you meet him. He has your replacement beer cooler. The contract on him has been redacted as of this date, you may want to inform any field reps you meet in your travels.
I was happy to receive the beer cooler from you, and the note claiming it as proof-of-completion for your current assignment. However, when I looked inside I was disappointed to find that you had erroneously sent a bald headed, beardless, rather chunky looking chap instead of a bearded skinny one. I would have thought that the army fatigues and ID tags saying Haq would have given you a clue. All I can say is that you are lucky "black ops" managed to divert the A-130s before they eliminated you & Scully and your little entourage. As an aside, I can understand the need for the portable bar in such a sere location but I don't think the wages for the mixologist will wear on your expense account, nor the cocktail waitress.
How is Scully? does she still do that "thing" when she gets aroused? I recall the time when we were on a team together during Desert Storm and she found a whip and a French maid's uniform when we broke into Hussein's palace one night. Had Saddam been home she could have ended the war on the spot.
(NOTE TO ENIGMA TEAM, DO NOT CODE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH - X)
It might be wise to stay out of the jungles over there for awhile, the Air Force johnnies have informed me of their intention to use FABs for deforestation and cover denial. "Devil's cigarette lighter" indeed! Those people have too much time on their hands.
Be careful out there,
Agent (sniff) X
PS: I'm not sure if this black market Cipro that Houston found for me is doing my cold much good, although I do have a lot more energy lately. -X
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Dear Agent Bahn:
I don't know if you remember me but I was put in charge of your file last year just after Agent X retired for health reasons even though I had been previously only a secretary (temp) before and then something apparently accidently happened with the filing system just before you were temporarily released from duty.
Anyway after that I had a stint in Communications where it was really busy and all these messages kept coming in from places that I couldn't even pronounce let alone spell and I got behind a little bit in transferring messages so the August stuff from Afghanistan didn't get delivered until the end of September and when it finally did everybody got all excited for some reason and people were whispering behind my back and I couldn't hear most of it which was okay as it is supposed to be secret anyway. Some of the words I did hear were scary though, like "treason" and "cover-up" and "shoot her in the back of the head".
But I got moved up from Communication back to being an assistant to Agent X when he came out of retirement until he was nice enough to find me this position in which I am responsible for all the mail that comes into HQ, which is very important, even though I can't tell my mom because it's secret. And I even have my own private lunchroom and b*throom. Agent X has a "lot" of extra zip these days and I can't figure out why. Anyway he just dropped by and slipped a note under the door which said "ship this off to wossisname in Afghanistan, Bahn", and I think that would be you, right? So here it is.
A request has come down that you send Agent Scully to HQ for a quick "debriefing" before she returns to field ops.
You are also requested to contact the Northern Alliance "Freedom Fighters" and find out if they have more than the one operating tank that seems to feature, idling in the background of, and I quote: "...every goddam bit of film we see them in."
Yours truly,
Agent-in-charge, (Company Mail Room) - Y
PS: Agent X says "contact them through the green-hats", whatever that means.
PPS: What is a "Darwin Award"? Agent X has suggested I try to get one and I would like to as I am always trying to improve myself.
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We'll get ya a full report sometime in the next 2 years. In the meantime, do not worry about Scully. I debrief her every night, and sometimes in the afternoon when she's eyeing that Shariff character
Glad you're pleased with the duck. Over here that word has a different, more urgent meaning.
--oTTo--
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