For once in my life, I was going to be on my own. I have always been the independent one of my family. The one who was not afraid to follow my heart's desires or my dreams. Now I seem to be running from my nightmares. I'm sick of it. I wasn't even on my own for a full day when I met my att*cker.
My roommate had decided to invite some friends she had met over the summer to come to our new apartment. That's when I met "Jim". As if it's not enough to wake up thinking of the man every day, he just has to have a name that's heard every where I go. I had no reason to fear "Jim". He was very shy that first night. It wasn't until the following night, the night that changed my life, that he began to open up and relax around me and my roommates.
Let me set the scene for you. I have three roommates: a junior, a sophmore, and then my best friend and I were freshman. College. A time to get out and get a taste of the real world. Unfortunately, my taste buds didn't like it. Anyway back to my story. It was the sophmore's birthday and to celebrate we were throwing a party. Not a big one, since our apartment was on campus, and it was a dry campus. We had invited the guys back over and a few others. "Jim" was making me and my friend some mixed drinks. I have a pretty high tolerence when it comes to alcohol. I can hold my own. But for some reason that night, after drinking 2 or 3 mixed drinks, I was drunk. In fact, I don't remember much about that evening at all.
I can still hear "Jim" on his guitar singing a few songs. He was really good at it. But when the party was over and everyone was filling out, I found myself all alone with this guy in our livingroom. I had a boyfriend back home. I love him so much. I wasn't the kind of girl who would have a one-time-thing with someone, especially someone I had just met. The next thing I knew, he was on top of me taking my p*nts off. I'm shaking right now, just thinking about it.
I've played this night over and over in my mind trying to figure out what happened. For the longest time, I thought that I had cheated on my boyfriend. In fact, the first time I told him about "Jim", I said I cheated. It wasn't until bits and pieces of my memory started to come back, that I realized I said no. My exact words were "no. I have a boyfriend, I can't do this. NO". Unfortunately, he didn't listen.
I argue with myself all the time that if I had just said it louder or screamed for help that maybe...I wouldn't have been r*ped. R*pe. Such a simple word for it's meaning. I never thought four letters could ruin my life. I was 18. Young. I know there are little children out there who have gone through the same thing and aren't able to understand. My heart goes out to them and to all of you who have been there or know someone who has.
There is so much more to my story. So many complications. Like the fact that I was basically brianwashed into thinking that nothing wrong happened between me and "Jim". We became friends over the next few months. That is until I started to feel depressed, became anerexic, and dropped out of school. I have not seen the man since October...and the only reason I saw him then was because my roommate, the junior, began dating him. In fact, she is still with him. She doesn't know. I have no intention of telling any of my roommates. I'm scared to death that no one will believe me. Only a few people know and they still have a hard time dealing with it.
He took a part of me that night. A part of me I will never be able to replace. I will always be empty.
Sugar. |
