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| Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse & It's Not Your Fault |
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| Adult Survivors of Sexual Abuse: What We Would like You to Know About Us 1) We grew up feeling very isolated and vulnerable, a feeling that continues into our adult lives. 2) Our early development has been interrupted by abuse, which either holds us back or pushes us ahead developmentally. 3) Sexual abuse has influenced all parts of our lives. Not dealing with it is like ignoring an open wound. Our communication style, our self-confidence, and our trust levels are affected. 4) Putting thoughts and feelings related to our abuse 'on the back burner' does not make them go away. they only way out is to go through these emotions and process them. 5) Our interest in sexual activity will usually decline while we are dealing with this early trauma. This is because: we are working on seperating the past from the present; pleasure and pain can sometimes be experienced simultaneously; it is important for us to be in control, since sontrol is what we lacked as children. Some times we need a lot of space. Pressuring us to have sex will only increase our tension. 6) We often experience physical discomforts, pains, and disorders that are related to our emotions. 7) We often appear to be extremely strong while we are falling apart inside. 8) There is nothing wrong with us as survivors---something wrong was done to us. 9) Sometimes other get impatient with us for not 'getting past it' sooner. Remeber, we are feeling overwhelmed, and what we need is you patience and support. Right now, it is very important for us to concentrate on the past. We are trying to reorganize our whole outlook on the world; this won't happen over night. 10) Your support is extremely important to us. Remember, we have been trained to hold things in. We have been trained NOT to tell about the abuse. We did not tell sooner for a variety of reasons: we were fearful about how you would react, what might happen, etc. We have been threatened verbally and/or nonverbally to keep us quiet, and we live with that fear. 11) Feeling sorry for us does not really help because we add your pain to our own. 12) there are many different kinds of people who are offenders. It does not matter that they are charming or attractive or wealthy. Anybody---from any social class or ethnic background, with any level of education---may be an offender. Sexual abuse is repetitive, so be aware of offenders with whom you have contact. Do not let them continue the cycle of abuse with the next generation of children. 13) We might not want or be able to talk with you about our therapy. 14) We are afraid we might push you away with all our emotional reaactions. You can help by: listening, reassuring us that you are not leaving, not pressuring us, touching (with permission) in a nonsexual way. 15) Our therapy does not break up relationships- it sometimes causes them to change as we change. Therapy often brings issues to the surface that were already present. 16) Grieving is a part of our healing process as we say goodbye to parts of ourselves. From"Triumph Over Darkness" by Wendy Ann Wood, M.A. Copyright 1993 Wendy Ann Wood. |
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| It’s Not Your Fault Please know that no matter what, it was not your fault! None of us went willingly to our abusers. They may have asked us to sit on their laps, said nice words of affection to us, or gave us things, but that does not mean we consented to what happened. Some of us were/have been threatened or beaten. Even if we were not actually threatened there was always an underlying threat…threat of discovery, threat of further or worse abuse, fear of losing that ‘love’ or displeasing our abuser/s, fear of not being believed or being blamed once the threat was out. So much was threatened, we had much to fear and it really is a burden too great for any child to bear. None of us really had a choice. What would the outcome be if we had said no or did protest? Instead of being protected and loved, we had to protect a shameful secret with our silence and usually compliance. All of us did what we had to do to survive. What we did was the best we could have done, but we can’t live our lives with ‘could-have’ or ‘should-have’. None of us ever should have been in the position to have to fend off sexual assault in the first place. Some survivors feel guilt because of their body’s reaction; don’t ever feel ashamed for finding pleasure in your body. That is all right and natural. What is not okay, is that someone exploited that. How were you to know at such a tender age that it was wrong or why it was wrong? You put your trust in an adult who should have known better and you were betrayed by that person. Your body did not betray you by feeling good. This is simply what our body does to stimulation, sometimes even regardless of the source. Even if it felt uncomfortable or wrong sometimes there are still feelings of enjoyment. A child has every right to discover and find enjoyment in their body and to feel such things in safety. It is really unfortunate that someone abused your rights, your curiosity and your naivete, but it was never your fault. Giving in is NOT giving consent!! It does not matter it you took money or any other bribes of material goods or affection, it was never your fault. My father favored me with his attention and I greatly took it, but that did not mean I am to blame for the abuse that transpired under what I thought to be his love. I knew what would happen when I sat on his lap, but I could block that out if I could feel close to him or loved by him. That was the only time I felt or was shown any kind of ‘love’. It’s up to all of us to accept that we were innocent, that we were not guilty of or at fault for what happened. It can take time to face that truth and even when we do face that truth it can be easy to question it. Every now and then I have some bad days where I still question my guilt. That some how I could have stopped it or that I provoked it or deserved it, but those thoughts are just plain stupid! Children don’t ask for this abuse and they certainly don’t always have the capabilities to comprehend or stop themselves. Children are supposed to be loved, protected, and taught by adults. The things we were taught, the neglect and abuse we suffered were at another’s hand, not our own. Even if your sexual assault happened outside of childhood, the same principles apply. You are not to blame for what happened. For putting your trust in someone, for being hurt by them, or for doing whatever it is you did that happened when you were assaulted. Those things did not get you assaulted. You don’t make someone assault you. You are assaulted. We were chosen to be victims, but none of us would chose to be a victim. I can not stress this enough. There was nothing that you did to warrant being sexually assaulted. You were not at blame. It was not your fault. Being made to feel responsible is just one of the ways our abusers make it possible for them to further hurt us. Our silence, our sense of shame and guilt, our fear...all those things were taken advantage of to achieve their ‘need’. All those things also served to protect themselves. I hope everyone understands how guilty their perpetrators are, how our perpetrators are the reason for what happened. None of us are guilty for the crimes against us. It is not your fault. Author Unknown **Gabriel’s note- I wanted to include this on my site because I think the words are so powerful. They are something that all of survivors need to believe…It was not our fault! I applaud whoever wrote this. They have a beautiful talent. |
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