Been There, Done That (48/302) The King of Assassins (54/308) Warrior...Priestess...Tramp (55/309) The Quill is Mightier... (56/310) The Bitter Suite (58/312) King Con (61/315) Forget Me Not (63/317) Fins, Femmes & Gems (64/318) Sacrifice II (68/322)

Xena: Joxer. Joxer? You should be dead.
Joxer: True-- a man like me should have died a thousand times-- if not for my prodigious skill and nerves of steel. Y'know.
---- After the day repeats for the first time, the original day being when Joxer gets "killed" 205K

Gabrielle: Hey, Xena. I think I'll get some goose eggs for the road.
Joxer: Ooh! Can I go with you? I mean, uh, you know, it's a dangerous town and, um-- it-- might not be safe.

"Ooh, ooh! I know. I know. Wait a minute. What if none of this really's happening-- and like, we're all in somebody else's head, and they're making us up?"
---- Joxer, after Xena tries to explain that today was actually yesterday for Xena, but for Gabrielle and Joxer, today is today because they can't remember that yesterday was today 169K

Joxer: You know-- the enemy of my enemy is often considered my friend.
Xena: Joxer-- go ahead.
Joxer: Really?
Xena: Go ahead.
Joxer: Yeah, but you don't even-- I knew this would happen someday! You and me on the same wavelength-- two great minds-- one thought.
Gabrielle: Only half a wit.
Xena: What have we got to lose?
Joxer: Right. [to villagers, in a bold tone] Hear me, cowards! I-- [steps back and hugs X & G to his sides] We-- are your true enemies! We spit on your houses! [spits] We curse your names. We laugh at your ancestors! Ah! Hah! Hah! Hah! Hah! [to X & G, grinning] Now's when they bond.
[All the villagers aim their bows and arrows on the horrified Xena, Gabrielle, and Joxer. They scream. Cut to next scene with Xena waking up again.]

The King of Assassins (54/308)

Gabrielle: [to Joxer] Now-- why is it that you never mentioned that you had a brother?
Joxer: 'Cause I was embarassed, Okay?
Gabrielle: Okay-- I guess it would-- would be hard-- knowing that your brother is an assassin.
Joxer: You don't know the half of it! My whole life's been, 'Jet stole some horses; Jet torched a village; Jet killed the neighbors.' My parents were so proud.

Autolycus: I don't think so. I'm not as dumb as he looks.
Joxer: Yeah, I'm not half as d... [makes a confused face]

Gabrielle: [to Autolycus] Okay, here's the plan. When you get inside, go to the room Jet told you to go to. Leave the sword where he said to leave it, and wait for him to make contact.
Autolycus: What if, in the process-- he kills the person with the sword, because he found it where I put it?
Gabrielle: Well, if it were as simple as murder, he would have done that by now.
Joxer: Yeah.
Gabrielle: There has to be a second part. He won't kill right away.
Autolycus: So, you're saying this is what Xena would do.
Gabrielle: Oh, yes-- mostly-- probably. Look-- she did the same thing when she had to sneak a baby into King Gregor's castle.
Joxer: King Gregor was killed by a baby?

"Ohhhh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I think I bruised my brain."
---- Joxer, after trying to climb a the castle wall and falling

Gabrielle: It's just a minor setback. No plan is foolproof.
Joxer: Depends on the fool.

Warrior...Priestess...Tramp (55/309)

The third Xena look-a-like episode. First there was Diana, the princess, next there was Meg, now introducing Leah, the Hestian virgin priestess! Poor Joxer, once again, has serious trouble keeping all the look-a-likes straight.

Leah: What do you think you are doing? I am a Hestian virgin!
Joxer: Oh, oh-- I-- oh! [thinking it's Meg] Right. Well, um [clears throat] perhaps, the, uh-- Hestian virgin would like to teach naughty Joxer a lesson. [bends over] Ha-ha! I'm waitin', my little doughnut. Hi, Gabrielle. [jumps up] Hi, Gabrielle. Ah, ah, hi, hi, hi-- how you doing? Good, fine. I'm just-- I'm fine. Uh-- what're you doing here?

"Oh. Oh, oh, I can't-- oh-- sheesh! Wait a minute. The woman I love is working here. I've gotta stop her. On the other hand-- I am just a-- small business transaction away from pressing my lips against her. What am I saying?!"
---- Joxer's assumptions after seeing Gabrielle at Meg's tavern/brothel

Joxer: Wait, wait, wait a minute, wait a minute. Meg-- has a double? Which looks--
Gabrielle: Yeah?
Joxer: -- like a-- virgin priestess?!
Gabrielle: Mmm.
[Joxer sighs and moans]
Gabrielle: You okay?
Joxer: Of course I'm not okay! I just defiled a virgin priestess.
Gabrielle: Let's go. Come on.
Joxer: [whimpers] I'm going straight to Tartarus, now!

"You connect anyone in mythology back with the great warrior, Thalidopes. Okay, look. Let's say we wanted to connect-- Echidna-- the mother of all monsters-- with Thalidopes. Okay, now-- you're probably saying, 'How's he gonna do that, right? It's like-- right?' Okay, well-- um-- Echidna met Hercules-- who saved her baby, Obi, and--Hercules met Thalidopes-- when he rescued the golden fleece. Get it? Okay, you wanna try it?"
---- Joxer, while in prison, talking the the guard

The Quill is Mightier...(56/310)

"Whoa-- whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait. Are you saying, anything you write in there comes true? Excuse me while I laugh." [laughs]
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle as he comes to the realization that Gabrielle believes she has an enchanted scroll

Joxer: [to Gabrielle] What'd you write to bring me here? Like, uh-- you know? Gabrielle, uh-- appeared with a-- guy with the heart of a lion, soul of a warrior-- that kind of thing. Let's see, uh [clears throat, begins to read] "Xena has gone fi--"
Gabrielle: "Fishing."
Joxer: "Fishing. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk. Gabrielle awoke with a jerk." That's a funny phrase. I can't find anything. I must've come here on my own.

Sister of Gaea: Now, that would fetch a pretty dinar.
Joxer: [laughs] Yes, I'm sure it would, but-- I wouldn't give this up just for anybody. Still, for the, uh-- Sisters of Gaea...
Gabrielle: She means your scabbard.
Joxer: Oh, right.
---- When the Sisters of Gaea had looked down at Joxer's scabbard, he thought they were looking down at... uh, something else

Aphrodite: [to Gabrielle, referring to Joxer] Did you write him here?
Gabrielle: Not exactly, I...
Ares: [takes scroll and reads over it] Ah... "Gabrielle awoke with a jerk."
Joxer: I don't get it. What's so funny about waking up?

"I think your stories are-- are beautiful, and, um-- you know-- not everything you write turns into disaster.
---- Joxer, in a kindhearted response to Gabrielle's complaint about her not even being able to write a happy ending without screwing things up

"I wanted to get you something. You know-- just to, uh-- say sorry for-- the three naked yous and-- and everything."
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle after he trades in his father's scabbard to get her a necklace

The Bitter Suite (58/312)

Coming Soon...

King Con (61/315)

Rafe: [to Joxer] See-- me and him-- we found this gold nugget worth at least-- oh, 50 dinars. The only problem is-- neither of us has the money to buy the other one out.
Eldon: And we don’t trust each other to cash it in. Even going together, he tried to run off with it.
Rafe: [to Eldon] Only after you attempted to swallow it. [to Joxer] You see the problem?
Joxer: [chuckles] I’d have to be an idiot not to. Swallowing something like that can be very dangerous.
---- Duping Joxer was probably the easiest con Rafe and Eldon ever had to pull off

Rafe: [to Joxer] Why, if you’re serious about helping us out-- here’s what we’ll do. I’ll borrow-- 50 dinars from you.
Joxer: Uh...
Rafe: [to Joxer] But-- I’ll only keep 25. ‘Kay? I’ll use the other 25 to pay you back. And that way, we’re even. [to Elden] Then I give you 25-- you give me the nugget.
Eldon: [to Rafe] Uh-- but that shorts me 25 dinars.
Joxer: Yeah.
Rafe: [to Elden] No-- ‘cause you’ll get paid the other 25 from the 25 that I gave you. [takes 25 from Joxer]
Joxer: Ohhh.
Rafe: [to Joxer] Then-- I give you the nugget. You give me the 50 dinars that it’s worth-- and we’re all square-- right?
Eldon: Right!
Joxer: [frowns] Wrong. We’re not square... [grins] until you two clasp hands in the spirit of true fellowship!

Forget Me Not (63/317)

Joxer: [to Gabrielle] What’s the matter? Huh?
Gabrielle: I can’t do this.
Joxer: Okay. Uh-- then, then-- we won’t. We don’t have to. Uh-- never again. What are you talking about?

Gabrielle: Joxer, I have to do this alone. Wait here.
Joxer: Wait! How long?
Gabrielle: I don’t know.
[As Joxer waits, there is a brief ticking sound and then a *ding*]
Joxer: That’s long enough.

Priestess: [to Joxer] Your feelings give you away. If you love her, allow her the chance to lose the pain she carries. It’s in her memory.
Joxer: Yeah? Well, I can make her forget... I’m a very forgettable person!
363K

shell of Gabrielle: It’s very strange. With every story you tell me, this thing I’m wearing gets smaller. Is it enchanted?
Joxer: Uh... yeah. They, uh... they are. It is.

Fins, Femmes & Gems (64/318)

“Now, I take you next to raging river, where, for three moons, we make furious Zug-zug!”
---- Joxer, to Gabrielle while he's under Aphrodite's obsession spell that turned him into Attis the Ape Man 45K

“Ah! Ah! Great white monkey, Xena, come for Princess Gaea! Animals! Animals of the jungle! Listen to me! Billy goats! Form ramming positions! Elephants! Suck water from great river-- for moat! Great Eagle! Come down and collect me, so that I may swoop down upon her! Come down and collect me, so that I may swoop down upon her! Oooh! Damn you! You ungrateful animals!"
---- Joxer, still acting like Attis... but is that a little of the real Joxer we hear near the end? hee hee

“Attis not afraid! Attis king of jungle! Ow! Hmm? Attis renounce throne.”
---- Joxer, after an arrow hits little too close to to "home" 91K

Sacrifice II (68/322)

Hope as Gabrielle: [to Joxer] I want to talk to you about our relationship.
Joxer: You wanna... you wa... you mean, like, you and me?
Hope as Gabrielle: Just like that.
Joxer: [chuckles] Wait a minute, you-you-you... you wanna know how I feel about our relationship?
Hope as Gabrielle: I wanna know how you feel about me.
Joxer: Well, I... uh... [chuckles] it’s a really big question. Um, I-I, uh... I feel, um... well, I feel, uh...
Hope as Gabrielle: Would you call it love?
Joxer: Well... uh, that’s a huge word, but um, uh... I think I have a nosebleed.
---- Poor Joxer doesn't know he is not talking to Gabrielle, but rather her evil daughter, Hope, who just so happens to look exactly like her

“Owww... I don’t know why I keep fallin’ off those things.”
---- Joxer, after he successfully manages to hit a tree branch and fall off a horse that is only at a slow walk

Xena: Warrior Princess and all things Xena herein are (c) 1995-2000 Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal. No challenge of ownership to trademarked property is intended or implied.