Series one of the Xena: Warrior Princess action figures sported a Xena, a Xena, a Gabrielle, and a Callisto. That was neato and well worth getting each and every one.
Then the second series gave us a Xena (yes, I suppose there is a pattern here), an Autolycus, and a Velasca. Wow oh wow, now five Xena characters had made it into the world of the action figure. The known world was rejoicing for sure.
After the first two, a series three seemed more than probable and I anxiously awaited to see who next in the Xenaverse would be be cast into the six inch plastic mold. Summer of 1999 came and at last, new Xena action figures were in our midst. Series three provided us with a Xena, a Xena, a Gabrielle, and a Callisto. Wait a minute. Am I missing something here? Why do these sound so familiar?
When series three of the Xena toys were released I was somewhat disappointed to see yet another slew of Xenas, Gabrielles, and Callistos, all bearing similar resemblances to their predecessors. The "One Against an Army" Xena from the same mold as the "Sins of the Past" one; "The Bitter Suite" Gabrielle, an obvious remake of the "Orphan of War" Gabby, with a different head and minus the skirt; and the "Callisto" figure simply got a new paint job, a sturdier pair of legs, and a new head.
| Okay, so we did get a few versions of Hope packaged with Gabby and Callisto, but that's it. What a jip. What about all the other Xena characters that deserve their own action figures? For instance, what's wrong with an Ares for the Xena collection? Is the God of War not in the show enough? Is he not marketable enough? Ares did make it to the series three 12" collection so I suppose that's a start. Perhaps a 6" Ares will make it to the series four release. What about Joxer? He's as much a Xena character as anyone else. He's been in as many episodes if not more, than Ares. He has enough fans that the toy would sell. Even Joxer haters would probably buy the toy, to in the very least, complete their collections or to burn him an effigy. Why did they ever make a Velasca toy? Why not Ephiny? Ephiny has been in more episodes than Velasca and she'd make the perfect Xena action figure! Draco's been in about as many episodes as Velasca, what about making him a toy?
I felt that something had to be done about this horrible injustice! To satisfy our cravings for more action figures of our favorite Xena characters, my brother and I have created this list of fictional toys. Enjoy, but be afraid, be very afraid. By the time you finish reading, perhaps you'll begin to see reasons why the makers of the Xena toys rejected these characters... |  |
 | Realistic looking hot tub also included. Just add your own warm water and let the fun begin! Place the Xena and Gabrielle figures in the hot tub's warm water and watch their clothes disappear! Let air dry and their clothes magically re-appear! Hours of fun! |
Nutty, bumbling Joxer trips from adventure to adventure while saying over a million annoying things! Sings every variation of the Joxer the Mighty song in 14 different languages including Latin and ancient Greek! Unfortunately, due to the amount of useless technology crammed into such a small toy, the manufacturers were forced to sacrifice realism in order to encase the "talk mechanism" giving the toy a "hunch-backed" look. Also requires a size D battery, not included. |  |
 | Just how does a human woman give birth to a centaur baby? Why aren't there any centaur women? Why is it called a "cesarean" if Xena invented it? You'll wish to Zeus these questions would be answered as you get to play the part of Xena and help deliver Ephiny's baby. Includes all the tools you need in order to deliver a healthy centaur. After playing with this toy a few times you will see why centaurs became extinct eons ago. Oats and hay for baby centaur not included. |  |
Anybody remember Cool Shaving Ken? No? Everybody will remember Cool Shaving Ares! The same patented hot/cold water technique from our "A Day in the Life Xena and Gabrielle" was put to work on the face of this super cool, super sexy, God of War figure. Want Ares to look like he did from the early episodes of Xena and Hercules? Just use cold water and VOILA... no funny sideburns!! Why, with a simple change of clothes you can make him the God of Love from certain Hercules episodes!! A little warm water adds the "whiskers" right back on. "Cool Shaving Shaving Blade" also included. White God of Love outfit and water sold seperately. WARNING: This toy has been known to bite off and eat the head of the Hercules action figure (see HTLJ "For Those of You Just Joining Us" for more details) so take care when placing these toys near each other. At first signs of aggression, separate immediately. Our company can not be held responsible if undesirable results inevitably occur. |  |
 | Hey, this is the Colonel speaking! Try Extra Crispy Teenage Hope, with or without the side order of cole slaw. She's finger lickin' good and can suck the life out of a grown man, leaving nothing but a skeleton, in seconds flat! Wow-whee! Who cares if it's actually from a Hercules episode? We don't! Xena and Gabrielle thought they had killed Hope and then burned her up but good. Hee hee! They don't know the devil spawn the one great evil Dahak, the destroyer very well now do they? Just open the box and unleash this unholy terror into the unsuspecting populous. Let the laughs begin! CAUTION: It has been called to our attention that this toy actually does burst into flames, despite our best efforts to keep it from doing so. For your personal safety, DO NOT remove from box. Better yet, don't even remove from the store. Heh, heh. Guess ol' Dahak actually wound up having the last laugh with this one. |  |
 | Who could forget that fantastic action scene at the end of this episode where Xena and arch nemesis, Draco battle with staffs on scaffolding and the heads of villagers? Now relive the adventure and excitement with Spinning Staff Attack Draco! Now, I know what you're thinking: Wasn't there a Spinning Staff Attack Gabrielle? The answer is YES! But we thought the toy was so fabulous we decided to do it again! And what's even better, we didn't have to create a new right arm for Draco. We just reused Gabby's arm from her respective toy, repainted it, and presto! You can hardly tell the difference between Draco's big beefy left arm and his slender smooth girly right arm. It's just that good! Heads of villagers also included. Bodies of villagers sold seperately. |  |
 | Gabrielle has always been for that "peace and love will see us through" stuff, but this is rediculous! What Maharishi Mahesh Yogi did for the Beatles, the fourth season did for Gabrielle. Scary, huh? We thought so too, but we couldn't pass up the idea for this toy! Gabby comes with three sets of removeabe hair: long, mid-shoulder bob, and "pixie". Xena's chakram is also included so you can cut Gabrielle's hair just like in the show! Removeable body paint stickers also included. Gabrielle's sanity sold seperately. NOTE: Chakram does not actually cut hair. See, you just pretend that it does and switch the hair plugs in the doll's head. Our company can not be held responsible for the idiots who actually take scissors to Gabrielle's hair and try to cut it. So don't even try to sue us, you won't get a cent. |
Still dazed and confused about whether Xena's horse, Argo, is a stallion (boy) or a mare (girl)? We were too, so we created this toy! It seems some early episodes of the show referred to Argo as being a male, but then later, and from that point on, Argo was identified as a female! We've wanted to make an Argo toy for the longest time, but we were never sure what to put... well you know... down there. So instead of giving Xena's faithful horse a nuetral form, void of gender, we're letting you decide! Still believe that Argo should have remained a boy? Want to reinact scenes from early in the first season, but are frustrated because you have only female horses? Now here's your chance to do something about it! Will Argo be a male or a female today? The choice is up to you! Saw, file, sandpaper, and glue sold seperately. |  |
Okay, so maybe there is no chance in Tartarus in these particular toys being made, but that's no excuse why the characters can't be made into authentic toys! Besides, as it stands right now any kind of toy from most of these characters is still plain fantasy.
Xena: Warrior Princess and all things Xena herein are (c) 1995-2001 Renaissance Pictures and MCA/Universal. No challenge of ownership to trademarked property is intended or implied.