THE CURMUDGEON GRIPES OF GRAMPAW GROUCH

THE CURMUDGEON GRIPES
OF GRAMPAW GROUCH
And see "The Best Things I Ever Said", too --on a mostly more serious side.
Skip down (on this page) to "It Ain't So, &, It's Weirdly So".
. . Skip down to "Cousin Wacqueau's Weird Wit".
.
Stuff Grampa's sent to the pseudo-dictionary site (search for Hart):
  1. LUSTICIOUS: A devastatingly beautiful person of desire --or, by extension, any object; say a sports car.
  2. NO-MO-SEXUAL: A person who claims they'll swear off sex & love; or one who is unlikely to achieve it again.
  • FLUOUS: Is there any fluous that isn't super? Is anything SUB-fluous?
      Grampa's favorite original sayings:
    1. Wahl, right off, y' whippersnapper, that oughta be "curmudgeonly".
    2. The good thing about knowin' nuthin' is that yer never confused! . An' yer never bothered 'cause ya fergot stuff.
    3. You don't really know a person until you have divorced them!
    4. Always set the bar very high --then you can run right under it!
    5. Opposites attract... then attack! She just wanted to get you into range.
      While dating, men want women who really are like they pretend to be on the date.
      While dating, women want men like they think they can make him into.
    6. Power *anything on a car . is an admission by the engineers that they didn't design it right in the first place.
    7. If you wad, not fold, toilet paper, yer not potty-trained yet!
    8. If ya don't turn off the shower at least once, & let the soap stay on your skin long enuf to do its work, yer not showering to get clean, yer just getting wet and wipin' the mud off on the towel.
    9. If ya do take a real shower, or wash yer hands well, and get as clean as you think you should, & yer just wipin' off pure water... whataya launder the towel for? ;-)
    10. Why do smokers take a bath? Not to smell better!
    11. SUVs: "Stupid Useless Vehicles". Dangerous, too --they easily tip over (fall down)-- when ya see a pic of an accident, the SUV is the one upside down. They have poor side-crash protection, non-standard bumper heights that'll miss most other bumpers (I thot there was awready a law about that!). None of 'em can brake to a stop as well as the average car. But they'll all be abandoned by the roadside soon --when the gas price tops a $100 tankful. That'll be soon, at the rate they burn gas! Can't wait.
      . . If an SUV had a brain, it'd be tiny, like a dinosaur's, and up its tailpipe... if ya know what I mean.
    12. There's a 3-lane street near here. I notice lotsa drivers on it can't drive in one lane, but run two wheels over inta the middle lane. These are the same people who still can't crayon inside the lines of their favorite books.
      . . Heck; if ev'body drove the way they do, they cudn't drive the way they do!
    13. It's their son whose only goal in traffic is to go faster than the car in the next lane. He winds up slammin' on his brakes at red lights, 'cause he never looks ahead. He also goes blocks past where he intended to turn, 'cause he just hada get ahead of a car that was goin' straight on. So... he was in a hurry not only to get where some stranger was goin', but to get there first!
    14. On the other hand, d'ya notice... on red lights where two cars sit side-by-side, some timid drivers think a green light isn't enuf all by itself --they gotta wait till the other car starts to move before they feel assured that they can really go.
    15. Just 'cause you said sumthin' after I asked a question, don't nec'arily mean you ackshully answered.
    16. If y' need just a lil paper towel, tear off that much --yer not required to tear at the perforations! And hey; ever hear of a sponge? Put the dish detergent on your sponge, not in the water --or you'll drain 90% of the soap unused! (you soaked the dishes already, right?) Y'can wash your hands ten times... with just the stuff that dried on topa the dish detergent bottle. So yul get *both things clean.
    17. White bread is nuthin' but an "edible napkin" --not food. It only keeps the real food off your fingers. Calories & weird chemicals, yes --nutrition, no. So eat a napkin --it probably will taste better, have more texture and more nutrition!
    18. Isn't the animal fat in "whole" milk about the same as disolved lard?!
    19. It's silly that a foreigner can so easily learn better English than the average American. ...except the British --they can't spell. (colour? Drop the 'U' already! In return, we'll stop pretending that 'PH' means 'F' and sometimes 'V'! . F and V are perfectly good letters. Use 'em, Stephen!)
    20. Don' buy a retirement cabin (e.g.) that costs so much you can't retire!
    21. Don' buy a sunroof in your car, then wear a visor! Make up your mind! Ya want the sun in your eyes or not? I sure don't, 'speshly shinin down behind my shades!
    22. Don't use a cupfull of water out the "hot" faucet, when it'd take pourin' a few liters to get the water from the heater all the way thru the pipes! You get a lil cold water --pay for hot. (pay twice, if your air-conditioner is on.)
    23. Bananas ripen from the outside in, so whatcha eat ain't ripe & sweet & ready till the skin is over-ripe. Ya don't eat the skin, right?
    24. The hardest human action in the world: a teenager tryin' to forgive his parent's imperfection.
    25. He was such a nervous type, he had PRE-Traumatic Stress Syndrome!
    26. I'd be discombobulated, but I donno if I was ever bobulated in the first place!
    27. Close the door! Yer lettin' the (cold/heat/humidity/flies) in!
    28. Look how silly it is when "they" turn up the heater in the winter... to a temp that'd make 'em turn on the air-conditioner in the summer! ...And vice versa with the air-conditioner in the summer.
    29. When the builder puts the bathroom exhaust fan so far from the toilet, isn't that an admission that he don't know somethin' obvious?! And men --d'ya notice that urinals have NO spot to aim at that won't splash you back?!
    30. On deodorizers: Those sprays, & especially them stupid lil plug-in things... Ya can't get one smell outa the air by puttin' another IN! It's still THERE! ...and is that purty new smell a carcinogenic chemical?
    31. Ain't no setch thing as yard waste. The cut grass contains all the stuff other people buy & spread on their yards, then when it grows into grass, cut off & throw away. ...kinda stupid to go to the alla trouble to pick it up an' throw it away, then go buy more to spread back on it. Compost it!

      1. Think safety, especially in SUVs. If you save your life even once, it was probably worth the trouble.
      2. A hundred carefuls prevents a painful.
        . . A thousand times careful... to one pain prevented... is still a good deal.
      3. The better you want it to be, the worse it is when it ain't.
        . . So... shud I stop want'n it ta be better?
      4. I'm not goin' too slow... yer waitin' too fast!
      5. Old age is when ya donno if you're recovering from something... or just gettin' used to it!
      6. I wanna get younger. It shudn't be so hard --I notice all the time that the average other person is get'n younger!
      7. If it hurts when you do dat, don' do dat! (refraz of a vaudeville routine: "Doc, it hurts when I do this." . "So... don't do that.")
      8. In the Emergency room, during my kidney-stone attack: "Doc, shoot me with a hypodermic or a .45, I don't care which!" [my true story]
      9. About TV: If nuthin's on, turn it off! And keep expandin' yer definition of nuthin'!
      10. It don't matter what it costs --if ya don't really need it, it costs too much. And keep expandin' your definition of what ya don't need!
      11. If you have half a mind to become a politician, that's more than enough. (after several similar ideas)
      12. Swing any opinion around & you're sure to hit somebody else's.
      13. If ya can't figger out how much it costs (cell fones), it's too much.
      14. Whyzit that wives I've had (some of 'em my own!) always take their halfa the bed outa the middle?! Oh, I get half the bed --a quarter on this side, an' a quarter on t'other!
      15. It's mostly women who think that food instantly transforms into "dirt" as soon as we finish the plate. I wonder how the food bits left on my plate know when I'm finished, so it can transform. And the serving-spoon left sticking in the bowl gets "dirty", while the food it's in... doesn't!
      16. A gossip is a fool looking for a bigger fool.
      17. If ya know nothin' 'bout sumthin, it's wise t' say nothin' 'bout it!
      18. One animal per name, please! If an animal in India (pulls plows and carts) is called a Buffalo, don't then call a very different one in the U.S. the same thing, when it has a perfectly good name of its own: Bison.
      19. A theft may be petty or grand, but the thief is always petty. ...& it's certainly not artistic! ("con artist", rip-off...)
      20. "Good" is sometimes a strange word. Whatzit mean in a sentence like: "He's a good liar"?
      21. Thar ain't no "s'posed-to-be"!
      22. Good citizenship: working for your country. Patriotism: working against all other countries.
      23. If you hate to waste the other, unused end of the Q-tip... good fer you! T'ain't the q-tip, it's that you prob'ly do the same with thousands of other things alla time, all of 'em bigger things.
      24. Do you wash out yer teapot in the sink? Do a really good job, why don'cha? Sterilize it on yer stove by boiling water in it. Wwwwait a minute....!
      25. A car "coolseat" is worth half an air conditioner.
      26. An observation: Ya don't sneeze when yer uniformly cold, nor when yer uniformly hot. Ya sneeze when ya got a big diff 'tween yer hot skin & the cold parts. When it's real bad --or sudden-- y'll get a cold fer sure. Yer body's tryin' to match temps ev'where, but it's like a chameleon tryin' to match plaid!
      27. A conversation:
        I say "Your friend called."
        "Oh, did he?"
        . . Huh? Now tell me... is it that the other person thot I lied... unless I said it again?!!
      28. If ev'body did what you wanna do, & that'd hurt somebody or something --don' do dat!!
      29. Grampa's planned last words: "Life is good. Death... not so much."
      [put this below]

      End of Grouch-file.

      .

      Kinda like Grampa Grouch's file, this'll be called
      "It Ain't So, &,
      It's Weirdly So      "
      --a collection of interestin' data. I bet you have some to add. Write me.
      I won't list the usual lil things, e.g. whales ain't fish...

      It Ain't So:
      1. Luna ain't a moon. Pluto ain't a planet. (see file)
      2. Spiders aren't insects. But --weird!-- they are related to Horseshoe Crabs!
      3. Genetic Relationships: (Heck, to a small degree, we're related to mushrooms! ...especially a few people I've heard of...)
      4. Hyenas ain't related to dogs at all, but to Mongoose, Meercats; (& an Indonesian animal called the Garbang or sumpin') &, less: Civets. Heck, the African Wild Dog is barely related to dogs. Bears, however, are "big dogs"; but scientists still differ on whether a Panda is related.
      5. The elephant's closest relative is the Rock Hyrax --smaller'n a rabbit. (&, Elephants have no sweat glands! No wonder they hafta stay near water!) They're related to Manatees and Dugong, too.
      6. Horses are related to Tapirs. You can even see it. 'cept the lips.
      7. America's Pronghorns are not antelopes, tho they're related. They're as close to Goats. I'd like to know how close to Antelope are: Deer, Elk, Moose, sheep.
      8. Cherrys are related to Apples.
      9. Cotton is closely related to Okra! A fiber-producer and a fruit! (No, like tomatoes, okra's a fruit. (seeds! If it grows from a flower.... Even a pecan grows *in a fruit.))
      10. It ain't "UNquote", it's "END-quote".
      And now, It's Weirdly So
      1. The Zebra's mitochondrial DNA is identical to the extinct Quagga. In 1987, a S.African group began breeding poorly-striped Zebras, to "resurrect" Quaggas! They were a sub-species or a predecessor, not distinct. The stripes helped running herds of Zebras confuse Lions, so they survived better --a great example of Darwinian evolution.
      2. Whales are descended from artiodactyls, a group of even-toed hoofed mammals that includes modern sheep, cows, pigs, and camels —along with hippos, which appear to be whales' closest living relatives. The early, "walking" whale (Ambylo-something-us) was a huge wolf-like carnivore. At one time after the hit of 65 M ago, an ancestor of the Wild Boar (pig) was one of the most fearsome predators.
      3. Whoda thunk: 3/4 of all the species of animals ...can fly!
      4. 80% of animals are nematode worms.
      5. Only female mosquitoes bite.
      6. Flies can't eat solids --only liquids-- tho they'll dissolve stuff by spittin' on it.
        And now, Weirdly Questions

        ...that could be answered. (Not quite Steven Wright jokes)
        1. Does a double-yolk egg result in identical-twin chicks? If so, does one peck its way out first?
        2. What does the other end of lightning (in the cloud) look like?!
          . . Hey! This one got answered! It looks like Sprites and Haloes --newly-discovered phenoms. No good pix yet. [put this below]
        .
        COUSIN WACQUEAU'S WEIRD WIT

        1. Sometimes I talk about metaphors and similies as if they were something else.
        2. I try to think out everything I say, but sometimes I get that backwards. Usually I'm perfectly combobulated.

        . . I bet you can think of some --any above category. Send me!
        .

        HOME PAGE

        Previous Essay: Tough Talk To The Hierarchy Of The Catholic Church.