Identity is not cowboy boots or fur coats. Nor is it an expensive car; in fact, I believe there is very often a reverse correlation there: bigger car, less real identity. Those owners may be trying to make up for feeling a lack of substance on the inside by wrapping two tons of junk around their outsides. Some, thinking themselves above that, will wrap themselves in an obvious pricetag instead. (Mercedes, fur coat, big house, pool...)

Identity is not any external thing, though those things may influence you (probably negatively). Epictetus, a favorite of my father's: "If you would improve, be content to be thought foolish and dull with regard to externals." The greedy mock those who recognize sufficiency.

Consider the motivation and logic of people who want identification with an expensive home. They'll work hard to pay for it. In fact, they'll often be seen working eighteen hours a day so they can afford that luxury... which they enjoy only on their way into the bedroom at nite, and maybe for a few minutes at breakfast. They've defeated what they thought was the purpose! The means defeats the end.

Why? . Have they influenced themselves so badly on purpose? . Has it been accidental, or has it been pushed on them by others? . To some degree, all three things have happened to all of us. Awareness, as always, is the first step in avoiding them. More assertiveness would be the second step.

It's an extreme example of identity separation: when asked if he/she wanted "that", they reply "I guess I do." It's exasperating! Who would know, if they don't?! They are so unfamiliar with their own desires that they are guessing at it!--almost as if they spoke of someone else.

Sometimes I heard therapy clients (and others) saying, in effect: "I can't decide. I guess I'll just wait and see what I do." It's possible, though unlikely, that they're so wise that they trust their natural self implicitly; so much so that they feel that making a plan is unnecessary. But more likely, they've an identity that is conspicuous only by it's lack of development.

Wise, or undeveloped? . It's interesting that the two extremes can say and mean the same thing, yet from opposite viewpoints. A Zen master trusts himself, not some ethereal force. "Trusting in the universe to provide" can be used as a good excuse to avoid deciding. But the universe is neutral, providing good as well as bad opportunities. Visualize, if you like; plan; prepare. Then do something! Grab one of the good ones. Or make one.

A denial of responsibility (as in not voting) is a denial of our identity, too: a denial of our ability to respond. It fosters the feeling that we're too small and insignificant to cause any change in the world. It's easy to drift into, and our life is simplified when nobody's in charge of it.

Many people have taken, from Zen and other oriental schools of thought, the idea that it is best to do no more than "go with the flow". They'll be heard saying: "be here now", "don't push the river". Those things are good and valuable, but suffers as all ideas do when taken to the extreme. I would guess that people who have considered themselves as shy would be more in tune with this philosophy, believe it most, and get deepest into it. It could thus serve as a protection against changes that are more than simple rebellion.

The advantage is that they'll lose much of the identity that was laid onto them by others (mostly parents). Then they can decide on the items of identity that they think are best, and divorce themselves from the others. The danger there is that they may lose their direction of growth by suppressing desire, choice, and initiative. We look at them and feel that there's nobody "in there" that has hopes and desires. They drift. The Buddha would not have done so. Desires are part of the natural "flow of life", and without suppression, a desire is a decision.

Every decision you make is also a decision about who you are, who you will be, and who you won't be. You're not required to be who you were. There's mud at the bottom of ruts.

You are not responsible for the past, but you are very responsible for not repeating the bad parts of it, and for creating good new parts. There is the disadvantage of the fact that the best predictor of the future is the past, and that everybody knows it. It's the "momentum" we work against when we move toward change.

How much of your identity have you actually chosen? . (It's probably about the same percentage as the part of our vocabulary that we've actually looked up in the dictionary!) The tendency is to become what we have repeated to ourselves that we are; and what others have repeated to us that we are. And yet we can use the same process to advantage by turning it around, using positive affirmations.

To see what my new clients have done to themselves over the years with assumptions and repetitions, I have all new clients sign, not with their real name, but with a secret name. This often gives me a big hint about the problem. Mister West had taken a geographic cure from the east coast. Fatman, Brenda Starr, Captain Zenon, China doll, Brother Juniper, Liz Taylor, Searcher, Hunter... What possibilities do you see that might have brought these names to mind?

A very shy woman signed as "Miss Gray". She had had that secret self-imposed nickname since being seven or eight years old. Every such thought reinforced the description, reinforced the identity. Each time, subtly, the little-girl feeling of being nobody at seven or eight was brought back into power. With that signing, we got off to a fast start. She really worked on her therapy, and it took only four sessions to reach a level of comfort that, for the time being, was enough.

It's surprising how many women will call themselves or other women "girls", minimizing their identity and cooperating with those who would oppress them.

Women's role of being less ego-centered yields more mental health than men, but on the other hand, the role of submissiveness is unhealthy. To sum the psychological content of the book "The Cinderella Complex"; two writers married, with the agreement that they'd each write, he in his den, she in hers. Each would have independent, full identities. She moved in, he wrote in his den and she fell into baking pies in her kitchen, like the role mom had played as she grew up. And all in spite of her awareness and firm intentions. The label "wife" has powerful connotations, too. (I recommend, more, "The Hazards of being Male", and the "Peter Pan Syndrome" and Wendy books.)

Now that many barriers for women are down, women have hit (surprise!) their own barriers. Barriers they brought with them from childhood; and from the last generation. The "can'ts" that were given to them by their parents, the subservient role most mothers played... And sometimes you go home to visit, and there it is and there they are, and maybe even the same house...

Memories are role-regressors. When reminded of something, it "brings it all back". Or, again, anything that reminds you of the past brings up roles of the past. That's a potent procedure. Use it with extreme caution; it usually does more harm than good. "Nostalgia's not what it used to be", but too many parts of our-selves are what we used to be.

If you had been the victim of criticism (and who wasn't?), any present criticism can take you back to there and then; so you not only feel bad, you feel like a bad kid. Someone (parent, older kid) may have called you "chubby", for instance. They could have said it gently and repeatedly, or once that felt traumatic. This could have created an image which you may be subconsciously filling up--with chocolate! (A chocolate-filled role.)

After the effect of a criticism, you can get on a roll; old habits causing you take on that person's shoulds instead of your own natural direction. On a roll, in a role; it's a should-trap. Drop it and run! "There's nothing so big or tough it can't be run away from." There's some truth to that, and it's not (necessarily) bad psychology. Sometimes, (but rarely!) avoiding the problem is growthful. There was no need to work on the problem of better buggy-whips when cars came along.

Truly giving up on an old problem that's now irrelevant can be a great way to grow--good practice at letting go.

That's why therapists (usually) stress dealing with the past. And it's why they want you not to dwell on it, because you could begin to dwell in it. Occasionally, random things will arise that bring up useless old reactions, contradicting your new identity.

Metaphorically, your life is a skyscraper built one floor per year, learning construction techniques as you went along. Unfortunately, this means that the foundation was built by the most inexperienced builder! Some early reinforcements were probably left out, and accidents left uncorrected. We wind up as poorly built as a nuclear plant. Some of your supplies were sub-standard. Some floors are probably pretty shaky; remember that year?

Therapy is the intention of going back and correcting and reinforcing it now, and finding how much easier it would have been to do then. You know that if you don't, the construction will get more susceptible to stresses from outside. A strong wind is bound to blow someday, and you may be damaged or knocked off your feet.

Music, being abstract, makes special, deep connections to the subconscious. It simply bypasses the thought processes. Jazzy and positive or martial music; ethereal or harsh; love songs or blues; they bring feelings easily to the surface. With those feelings come all the memories that you have ever attached to them. And the lyrics are repeated and unresisted.

Remember, anything repeated is hypnotic; especially to a child, who's developed fewer defenses. Curiously, if something is yelled at a kid, it has less effect on the identity than if it's said off-handedly. That's counter-intuitive, I know, but notice that if something is yelled, it gets your conscious attention. That's the difference. Then you're aware and can decide what to think of it; you can filter it thru your feelings and possibly reject it as being any desirable part of your identity. Remember, all you heard was their "should", not necessarily your desire.

With this in mind, you see why the loving permissive parent often succeeded where the hard-driving pushy parent got contrary results. If the pushy-parent repeated mumbled put-downs and disappointments, the kid was much more effected by those.

If it's said quietly, it slips past the conscious awareness. It slips into the subconscious, eventually overwhelming the original part of you, and becomes identity. This happens very subtly; both positively and negatively. A parent need not be aware of the effect for it to work; they might be honestly puzzled at where the kids self-image came from. You'll be automatically aware of repetitions now, and rebel! You can decide for yourself who you want to be and what influences will create that identity!

And who are you? . Your first answer is almost certain to be your name. Names are handy; how else would someone get your attention or give you credit when you aren't there?  But who were you at the time you received that name?  Who are you now?  Surely you're not the same person as the new parents then imagined. Names on babies are just labels, not identities. They don't yet know that they're individuals. Especially while nursing, they're still a "part of Mom". It's almost as if, even at that age, the subconscious is slow to realize or accept changes.

It seems silly, but we certainly do resist changes; as if something we picked up by accident had become sacred! An old habit, a mimic of a personal hero, or ... your name.

Your name is an abstraction. It's a collection of sounds that were decided upon by someone else, probably before you were born, that then had some meaning or connotation to them. This may have very little to do with the image you now want for yourself. However, you seem stuck with it, and the connotations you have of it may be different than theirs. The evolution of society may also change the image attached to a name. Imagine a little girl who was given the name of Scarlet ten years before "Gone With The Wind" was published. Last names can be cruel, too. Many names that seemed fine were ridiculed after a comedian made jokes about it. Many names that were fine in one country or one language, became embarrassing in another.

While a nickname is attention, and you could feel left out without one, the damage done by cruel jokes are the bigger trauma. And kids, in ignorance, are prone to tease, trying to throw their problems onto someone else. Nicknames can generate a negative and self-perpetuating image: a bald man called "curly"; a fat kid called "piggy", etc. There's also a sense of it being unfair, even if it really was a neutral label. Someone without authority labeled you. You are the authority on you.

Think now about whether you want to give your parents that authority --forever-- by holding on to the name they chose!

Try this exercize: if your current name was not on the list, what name would you choose now?

You may need to realize (that's more than just "knowing") that your parents authority over you has terminated. You're not required to keep their label; you can chose one that will reflect your actual identity (as soon as you know it...). Something you'll identify (!) with. When you've gone through some difficult and purposeful changes, you can take great pride in yourself as a self-made person. Erik Erikson, the psychologist, was self-named. Erik was his first name. Can you figure out how he constructed his last name? . You too can be the (supplementary) parent that you always needed.

A name may have a connotation that you dislike. Jane is thought to be plain, as is John. (so I changed mine, a little.) Most kids would dislike "Jedediah". John Wayne's "real" name was Marion. Could that have had something to do with the extreme reaction he is famous (infamous) for?   In the innocent act of naming a baby, what influence might his parents have had on two generations of role-playing boys?  Is it a coincidence--John Wayne Bobbit? . John Wayne Geyse?

If you've not changed your name, or you've simply grown to become what that name connotes, it may be just a label yet; and perhaps a false or minimizing one. Does your name describe you, or is it just that you've drifted into being what your name describes--without your ever having made that decision?!

I've had clients in therapy that felt it was somehow the right time to change their name. They'd been through such a lot of change that the old name recalled too much of some undesirable old role they'd played. Your name is a subtle influence, and an influence is a subtle control.

It can be said that you are the sum total of your influences, but I add that they are influences only to the degree that you now decide to accept those influences. (By "now" I mean: as you read this, and every time it bothers you in the future. If it does.) You need not be the helpless victim of mere passing influences. So choose them on purpose; you want to be more than just a random collection of behaviors!

Every decision is also a decision about who you are, who you will be, and who you won't be. Do we subconsciously realize that, and is that why we resist decisions so much?

By the choice of a book like this to read, or a violent movie to avoid, you purposefully change yourself for the better. Your past has been more accidental than your future will be. You are unavoidably in the process of designing your future. You are chosing who you are with every decision or non-decision. Every time you go to a violent movie, not only does your money encourage the people that make them, but you've reinforced the most negative aspects of yourself, including destructive criticism. Study the pseudo-sciences like astrology, and you reinforce the feeling of being controlled by irresistible and mysterious outside forces or "fate". Even leaving it to "fate" is your decision. (So in what sense could fate exist?)

Remember, your future isn't in the past! You will always have had your past, but you needn't keep bringing it into the present. Let the bad parts fade and go away.

The more we have dealt with and let go of the past, the more we let go of the influences of it. You've swallowed a lot of experiences, good and bad. Part of the past is inside you yet. You've digested what you like and assimilated those things as part of yourself, but you're concerned with the bad stuff that got stuck in there. So find where they hide and why they're stuck. Now break loose those things in yourself that you don't like and let nature take its course! See... there's nothing sacred about an old habit or behavior, even though it used to be part of a fine and growing person: yourself.

It's wonderful to accept who you are, but that's very different than "putting up with" who you've been and might think you must always be! To be "true to yourself" doesn't mean to be faithful to that old unexamined self-image.

Behavior is just a set of habits, and as an old spanish saying goes: habits are at first cobwebs, then cables.

The desires you still haven't gotten to are probably still there because they lie in the direction of your fears! That's why it's generally good advice to move in that direction. Better to clarify a desire and know you deserve it than to "control yourself". Better to trust your desires and move toward them, than to "work on coping with the problems" of getting them.

Many groups that want a lot of control over their members will require the taking of a new name; even limiting the choice to one on their list. They get the powerful effect of "identification" with the group; like a marriage or pair-bonding.

Many fancy cults and old religions have their "trappings".

Generally, however, it's much better to "relate to" than "identify with" something else. I doubt that you want to take in, as part of yourself, something that big and monolithic. Few things or ideas are so simple that you can swallow them whole. Relate to the whole, but choose carefully, cautiously, the parts you want to be part of your identity.

Intelligence minus ego equals maturity. Take a person's intelligence and maturity, subtract thier ego, and if the number is still above zero, then "pain will bring change" to that person. They have growth potential. In other words, "pain brings change"; but only to those with more brains than ego.

It's the relationships that almost work that are hardest.

The end of relationships bring the most painful feelings. "End" is not the same as "Closure". Closure would be to achieve the feeling that you can, without trying, stop thinking of the other person. It is to feel that you could break off with the person who's already broken off with you, and feel that it would not be simple retribution. (This is hard.) Or, failing that, be able to accept the pain of being on the harsh end of the whip. Then be able to think enough about it and communicate about it enough to influence old feelings till they're up to date with your decisions.

Decision-making competes with security. If change/growth is painful, then it's scary. To make a decision means a change, and change seems to threaten a current identity, if it's thought that change is not in itself part of your identity. Over the years of a life, even the most disparate parts of an identity will achieve some integration, so that any change will threaten to shake something loose.

Actually, making a change is --temporarily-- a loss of identity! Change would be losing a hard-won integration with that old part, in favor of developing an integration with new, more desirable parts! Though fear would be a natural tendency, it would be a false security to freeze like a scared rabbit.

Curiously, if you both wanted to smoke and did --you would have more integrity than if you wanted to stop and didn't. Obviously, during all the time you're not satisfied with something that you continue to do, you have decided to not decide. And you've decided to maintain a contradiction in that area. That contradiction, just as logically, is a lack of integrity. One part of you is not integrated with another. Integrity equals maturity, which yields organization, unification/integration of the self.

A really open person might express it: "What I feel is what you get!"

Best to have help at this point. But a therapist doesn't give the kind of help many first-time therapees expect. A good therapist doesn't even seem to take your side! Especially if "your side" is the old identity that's trying desperately to avoid the changes the healthy side wants.

You've heard the term "painting pictures on someone", meaning: seeing only what you want to see, even if it's not there. I think we also "paint pictures on the mirror". Identity is self-image--do you see the real you?  Do you even let others paint your picture? . As I said to a client: " In the divorce, did he get custody of your identity?"

Some may overeat to make up for a felt lack of "substance". An emptiness of identity. They literally try to fill that self-image that the subconscious keeps hearing about (and believing).

Have you ever collected negative stories about yourself, in order to reaffirm an old identity?  That helps avoid the challenge of growth. There can be a (false) security in remaining who you were; holding on to the thought that you can't change.

A couple of the old "can'ts" go like this: "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and "If you made your bed you must lie in it." Nonsense! Remake it, and give yourself permission to learn anything you want; and to eventually be able to ignore old self-imposed barriers. Everything is in the past, including who you've been, so in a sense, "you" don't even exist!

You influence more change in other people than you may realize. You may feel that you can't change them (whoever "they" are), however much you try, because you've seen so little change yet. Actually, there's so much resistance and role-regression going on that they're not gonna change while anyone's lookin'. A lover may change their faults only after you leave. Frustratingly, if you went back, the memories you'd bring with you would tend to role-regress you both back into who you'd been then. Yet, if it was someone else they started a relationship with, they might quickly grow into someone you'd like to be with! Double-bind.

Notice that we make the biggest changes in ourselves when we drop something, someone or someplace that was regressing us. Everything from the past will regress us, though that's certainly not always bad. It happens whether we consciously want the influence or not. We change most rapidly between jobs, relationships, houses and cities and situations. A lot of changes in life is hectic, but can be healthy. The past isn't a concern at such a time; you don't have to admit any errors. It's kind of like declaring bankruptcy; starting over, free of felt requirements to be who you were. (See list of "Permissions and Not-requireds" in BILL of RIGHTS.)

At such times, you want that nearly-blank slate; erasing what you can of those past negative self-images and negative behaviors. They could get gelled into your new sense of self. I say "gelled", not "frozen", because you'll have yet another opportunity to change at your next move.

This is your big chance! Time for some internal housekeeping. Sort through the odd assortment of behaviors you've accumulated, and throw some out. Examine the old habits in the light of the old saying: "If that's the way you've always done it, it's probably wrong."

The past is truly dead; it exists nowhere. You remember it well (at least you think you do...), but memory is only a pattern of electrons and/or chemicals that got haphazardly stashed away in the brain. It feels like those big past events can effect you strongly, but it's only the memory of being so effected at that time. A Zen master has as many memories too, but doesn't take them personally.

Look anywhere, you'll find artifacts, yes, but not the past itself. You might find the house you grew up in, but you can't walk in and find everything as it was. This is to say more than "You can never go home again"; that sounds too sad --even helpless-- for my intention. On the contrary, because the past is gone, you're free to take whatever memories help you. You can drop the rest because you're really not that person any more. You're free to be in the shoes of that remembered-self as well as in your present ones; free to see it as it really was, which may be different than how you saw and felt it at the time.

The future is similarly non-existent. It's only a fantasy yet. Neither past nor future can control you more than you decide to let them. Ergo: all is a choice; a decision. The past has been an influence, of course, but "influence" is a neutral term. The wind influences a sailboat, but it's the rudder that controls it. Many things in your life will push you, but it's your desires that take the pushes into account and steers on towards your goal as best the elements allow. When things push against you, hold your place and wait; when things flow your way, run with it!

The past exists only in memory, so you are now free to imagine that you had done it differently, based on who you are now! It's just as valid. You're not lying to yourself, you know fairly well what really happened then, but... Who you are now would have done it differently, therefore, how could you hold your current self entirely responsible for what someone you used to be did?!(That's a "fallacy of equivocation". But see if the judge --or the wife-- will buy that.)

Some people, when they leave home, take the "geographical cure": they'll go to the opposite end of the country, or farther. It's long been said that wherever you go, you take yourself with you, but that's not entirely true. Fortunately, we're free not to take with us the parts that don't feel like "us" any more. If you transplant a tree, is it necessary to take last year's leaves with it?!

New people will know us only as who we present ourselves as being. Here's the blank-slate opportunity! They don't even know our past, so they can't remind/regress us. They can't regress us into the child we were; into any past behavior or feeling. No wonder there's such a sense of freedom and eagerness then.

Conversely, for good or bad, we sometimes feel a need to change relationships, jobs, houses, and cities. This might be coming up because you feel that you're not being seen as who you've grown into since those people got to know you. They won't want to be confused by having to become acquainted with who you are now, while trying to forget who you were before! They'll tend to require you to be your old self, and suppress your growth and change. These people can be pals, lovers, co-workers, and --hardest to leave-- your folks. Yet these may be exactly the people --because of their importance-- that it may be the most important to leave.

This could be one of those rare cases when it's wise to "run away" from a problem. (Is it "their" problem? . They can't recognize the newer "you", and you can't change them.) (Your old self and your new self could take separate vacations!)

When such a change comes about, by chance or desire, it's a great opportunity to lock in your desired changes; all the ones you've been saving up. It's by far the easiest time for a name-change, too. Then you can present yourself not only as the self you've become since your last move, but go just a little further; get ahead of the game. Present yourself as who you want to be in, say, a month. Don't overdo it... Celebrate; you've a right to a rite. It's as close as most of us will come to having a rite of passage. (Except, of course, for becoming old enough to drink and to drive! Sad, huh?)

By the way, I've noticed in myself, after a geographic cure, a curious subconscious attempt to create connections with the past. New faces that were merely similar to old ones became hauntingly and powerfully reminiscent. The total change had left a vacuum that longed to be filled.

How can we make it easier to go through changes and still be with the same person? (Assuming that's best...) What's the anti-dote to role-regression? . You could just use meditation, self-examination and a lot of open discussion. If you need something sharper, you can take separate vacations. You could have a party of some kind that you plan as a rite of passage into a redefined relationship. You could write down how you want to be treated; things you want (and want not) to do; freedoms you want; in short, that you have a separate, changing identity with new parts that you want known and respected. It's a time for clear, brave communication. Be prepared to accept their desires, too. If you or they want not to accept those desires, there may be bigger changes in store. You are a bit more likely, this way, to have a more respectful and friendly decision.

There comes a point when we realize that we've hung on to parts of ourselves or our relationship that are really detrimental to the whole. It seems harder to cut off old dead parts than to grow new ones. Without the dead weight of that part, we'd have to re-balance ourselves. We'd need to go to the trouble of re-examining some other parts that had become worn down to fit the unwanted part. There may be an irrational fear of losing our whole identity if we throw any small part away. It would be simplest if we just grow the new part and let it push the old one out like an old tooth.

You pay interest on negative attitudes or past poor decisions. To avoid the continuing effects, you keep investing more effort in the decision. You chose the least-costly compromise you could find at the time. But if you begin to have more of a problem with it, perhaps you don't see that the cost of compromise often inflates as situations change. You are not required to keep paying for the compromised behavior-method that you once bought so cheaply. You don't own a car forever; why should you be stuck with an old rough-running rusty method of behavior?  Or, if it took a "truck" to cope with a big situation then, why keep paying for that big thing when the situation has become small or has disappeared?

If you don't want to own and pay for that old behavior any more, throw it away and grow another! You can always pick up the old one again if necessary. Not all change is growth, but it's the most likely. Change, and the world changes with you. It seems to grow and look better to the degree that you do.