Thinking is an over-rated process. It can shoot ya down.

The Centipede was happy, quite,
until a toad, in fun,
said pray, which leg goes after which?
This distracted him to such a pitch,
he lay immobile in a ditch,
considering how to run.

Ego-motivated thinking is all rehearsal and replay, which remove us from now.

This culture has given thought so much precedence over natural feeling that we've lost a lot of what makes us human. "Serious" thought about your psychology is "analysis". That separates your thought and feeling processes. The connotation here would lead you to ignore your feeling side. You'd come to a conclusion that would continue to ignore it. Thought and effort are not therapeutic. Better to be aware of possibilities and feel for truth --at the same time.

Thought has given us a multitude of good things, as well as bad. It has taken us to an understanding of the universe. One way it did that was to classify all living things to show relationships (Linnaeus). BUT...
taken too far, it gets the way. Instead of showing reality, it can begin to impose order on reality. The Eastern way would help us be aware of reality, but not show us the insides and relationships. Obviously, we need both; and there's nothing that prevents one from doing both. In a nutshell, then:

Over-thought can impose a false order onto reality.
awareness accepts nature's order.

Perhaps you've noticed that two beers or mixed drinks will make some people feel "normal". More makes people worse again, but two sometimes seems to remove just enough over-thought and inhibition to let something like their real identity shine through. Removing more thought begins to make one simply stupid, and other well-known effects. Then up comes guilt for feeling stupid, and self-criticism: feeling stupid for thinking that they're stupid...

I certainly don't recommend to people that they stay a little high. So how can you achieve the effect without the associated dangers, troubles, and expenses? How can you remove only the unneeded inhibitions, without losing tact, sensitivity, and respect; and without making a fool of yourself? Remove the facade you've grown. For the self-conscious (that's most of us...), inhibitions grow to the extent that we don't. And what's an inhibition but a self-imposed hurdle or limit? You needn't set limits on yourself, or accept other's limitations of you. You can do as you please (tactfully) til you feel satisfied. (If you desire not to do something, that's not an inhibition.)

That's what this essay is about; getting rid of shoulds and self-definers. Go ahead; you deserve the changes you desire. Two weeks to two months of practice, then the growth that will fast follow, will have you feeling normal without beers. Permanently!

I think about how well this applies to myself. I used to think, for example, that I want the very best that almost no money will buy. (A leftover from my family's experience in the depression?) On the positive hand, (I'm positive-handed) I'm able to see (or rationalize?) that I'm just treating myself to extra financial security. Or saving to buy something I really want more. Or giving myself the privilege of working less. There's truth in each of those ideas, but am I still avoiding? Well, maybe, but there comes a point past which madness lies; somewhere past "overthinking". So I've given up worrying about it, trusting that I'll continue to change in proper directions, automatically. It's just a curiosity to me now, like the fact that I still arrive somewhere on time, even though I've given up on the need (obsession?) to do so.

To believe that you can change a habit or behavior by just making a conscious decision is obviously too good to be true. Some change might eventually get through, but probably too little, too late. I call it the trickle-down theory of change; conscious to subconscious. I prefer meditation/hypnosis; going straight to the subconscious.

Generally, thought is done in the conscious mind, and feelings happen in the subconscious --where all the memories of previous experiences reside, sometimes arising and prompting chemical changes in the body (hormones, adrenalin...). And then the circular effects of memories and bodily chemical changes begin. On top of that, there are many effects going on at once, all the time.

The presentation of all this to the conscious facet is vague, and not in rational terms that the it can easily deal with. To bring it closer to awareness, let your deeper part have a vote also, knowing and trusting that it's part of you too, and that you do best for yourself by using all of your resources (intuition). Of course, in the subconscious too, many of your desires and feelings will point in different directions. No one ever felt only one way about anything.

A compulsive thinker knows when to stop thinking, but he just doesn't! Like an alcoholic knows when to stop drinking.

The rational alone will find double-binds everywhere, and get lost in them. A double-bind is two competing compulsions; schizophrenogenic (a crazy-maker). You're given an impossible task. A classic double-bind: "You must want to love me and it must be voluntary." Or: "Support ship to diver; surface at once, the ship is sinking!"

"I contradict myself? Very well... I am large and contain multitudes." (Whitman). You, too, are a jewel of many facets. And you are integrated already, for there is no such thing as a jewel with a facet missing. Inconceivable! All facets must contact several others. Those will contact and influence several others; so you will, with any action, be helping or harming many parts of yourself at once. "You can never do just one thing."

You might call the facets: conscious/ subconscious, thought/ feeling, head/ gut, right/ left brain, masculine/ feminine... Yet, clarifying as these concepts are, I object to one small part of the idea. That is: we tend to think of them as polarities, pigeonholes; and I believe each of them to be in a spectrum. It makes quite a difference. Ideas don't have the handy definite edges that things and names do.

What is that subconscious/ gut/ feeling/ feminine facet? Romantically, it's soft warm cuddlies, as well as hard cold pricklies. Love and hate. More scientifically, feelings are the action of the subconscious plus the resultant chemical reactions of the body, in a circular feedback system. Think of possibilities, feel for your truth.

You need all your facets to best decide (and, to be tactful in the telling, sensitivity). Too much thought will hide the other facets; minimizing your powers of intuition. With only the rational, you can be decisive, but you will lack flexibility and depth, because the rational is only a small part of the whole process. Only the experience you can consciously muster could be used. That would be much less than is available to the subconscious.

Expectations are logical extrapolations of the past, but often made, unnecessarily, to feel inevitable. To apply yourself to possibilities is a natural defensive reaction of preparedness on the part of both facets. They're part of our defenses, so these tendencies are extremely difficult to get rid of consciously. Many times, even after situations have changed completely and old expectations are no longer valid, they still effect our behavior. The conscious knows things have become safe, but the subconscious is stuck in an automatic self-protection mode.

Edgar Allen Poe talked about "The Imp of the Perverse." To speak of it more in psychological terms, any expectancy may lead us towards fulfilling that expectancy. Despite our conscious protests. A good way to exorcise the Imp is to give yourself permission to feel your feelings to the fullest.

"The more we've been hurt, the more we distort reality." The more we resist, the more we generalize. (always.) The bigger the trauma, the more we withdraw. That is, if we suppress the pain; if we sweep it under the rug without feeling it. (A lumpy rug can trip you up.) The desire to avoid pain and other aversives leads us toward thinking too much, creating worlds of possibilities to further worry about. "Possibilities" tend to become expectations.

"Let your hair down (an image of being natural, spontaneous) and go on and cry", the old song said. Honest crying puts the conscious mind aside and lets all the suppressed feelings be expressed, known, and dealt with. I say "honest" crying because we've learned to recognize a cry that comes from thought; kids do it sometimes. It feels phony, manipulative; and does no good. Whatever the feeling, let go and go with it. If it's self-pity, okay, get into it; set a personal record for self-pity! Give it hell! Trust that the emotional release will free you (that's why we've come to call it a "release"). Keep getting further into it, because, after all, how far can you walk into a "swamp"?
Half way; then you're walking out!

It's said that some people think too much, and some feel too much. Yet, if you've a poor image of yourself, it doesn't matter where the error began. Bringing ever more rationality to conscious thought won't get it down to that level. You'll need, at least, a relaxed repetition of the fact that you are a worthy person. The original error struck deep and has had time to grow, and repetition has given it strength. Bodily chemical reactions follow, in vicious cycles. It will take dedication, time, and trust, to get it the hell out of there.

One "think/feel too much" is phobia. I've had great success with systematic desensitization under hypnosis, even with Agora-phobia. That's literally "fear of the marketplace". The "market" could be crowds or open space; seemingly opposite. It might better be called Phobophobia, "fear of fear". The focus on the place is often simply that the first panic reaction happened there, or could happen there, because it consciously seems that the attack came, or could come, for no other reason. The subconscious response is often to blame and avoid the place.

Even more than dreams, such an imagined experience can be as powerful as an actual occurance. The "experience" of it happening in the future is, in a sense, a real learning experience... now.

Like suicide, panic reactions are often an internalized and strongly repressed anger at someone else, leading to a feeling of unworthiness if the anger turns inwards. You deserve to realize your "anger-ments", and don't worry, the complete realization will defuse the overt expression. Examination of your desire to hit something will not make you more likely to do it. Quite the contrary. For instance, I talked with a client while we devised an elaborate plan to take revenge on a professor. I'd eventually begun to be a little concerned, when the steam went out of it and it was all over with.

Actually, agoraphobia is a good example of over-feeling as well as overthinking, on a subconscious level. It's the feeling that a bodily reaction was caused by the place we were when it happened, and the thought: "wouldn't it be awful if X happened next time." This tells the subconscious that there will be a next time, and that it will be worse. It then feels more afraid, and around we go again. So we need, with purpose and trust, to introduce a different conflict between facets of the mind. Unfortunately, the natural response is to control the feeling, and fast!

The first step in beginning the cure is to learn to think more, but rationally. To know, at least consciously, that the feeling was wrong because the thoughts that caused them were wrong. (Hypnosis is called for here, to get that knowledge deeper, faster.) Be prepared to let the fear come and have it's way with you till it gives up and goes away. The fear feeds on your fighting it, but it does get tired easily if you ignore it. Yes, overcoming a natural reaction and moving in the direction of your fear is hard. Yet, that's exactly what you did to learn to ride a bike. Falling left; steer left. Look at it in slow-motion: to purposely make a left turn, you actually begin by falling to the left. Relax; you're always falling one way or the other, and it's ok.

In the same way, it's sometimes said "If it hurts, it must be therapy". That's not anything like a rule, but courage is very helpful in therapy, same as on a bike. You learn how to ride, then you go somewhere; same with therapy. Remember that you can't ride--or do your best therapy--by using just your conscious mind. It's necessary to get your desired changes communicated down to the habit level by purposeful, repeated, courageous experience.

I've had several one-session "cures" of phobias, and that surprised no-one more than I. One woman could barely get out; smoked a lot, and so could barely breathe or walk. An extreme prefectionist, she was scarcely eating; anorexic, despite being the "wrong" age (not teens or twenties). She had lost 10 pounds in two months, was soon down to 79 pounds, and bruised and bled at a touch. She had procrastinated (perfectionists do that a lot) on seeing a doctor, and didn't for two further months.

We talked about a dream she'd just had: wheeling merrily around in a wheelchair with a bold facade of capability that was plainly transparent. We did ego-strengthening and systematic desensitization under hypnosis, and the next day she went across the bridge (an early focus of fears) to San Francisco and landed a job. The other problems took much more time.

There are similarities in cigarette addiction and phobias. There's a fear of a panic reaction, though not as bad, somewhat because the cause is obvious: poison-withdrawal. The body has rebalanced itself to compensate for it, and then is asked to do it again, in the other direction.

A young man came to me with a panic reaction to the sight of a distant snail. Snails being very common around there, this was quite a problem. We spent some time on looking for the cause, but it turned out that that was not the best method.

Afterward, he practiced at home some of what we'd done in hypnosis. He sat on the sidewalk and slowly scooted up nearer and nearer to one til he was beside it. Then, in his own time, slid a finger to within an inch of it, without fear. Though he didn't touch it, that's essentially a cure. Months later, I got a postcard telling me that he'd eaten a plateful of them --(escargot) and liked 'em!

Many men pride themselves on being rational thinkers, not realizing that this only limits them. It's like saying that you can run just fine on one leg. Generally, men have been cut off from much of the power and wisdom of their intuition because feelings have been taboo. That larger part was cut off, even seen as unamerican. Would John Wayne, Clint Eastwood or Sylvester what's-his-name bother with that sissy stuff? The prisons are full of men who did as they did in movies; who actually believed the horrible images. They could have no friends because the only permitted social contact was on the knuckles! So they settled for an imagined admiration from other men. But the other men were only worried about their own fascade.

Fear of communication is deeper for these men than others. Without honest, open talk, they swallow big bad myths and make them bigger. The worst for them is probably the "omnipotent man / insatiable woman" myth. The idea that they can't measure up is often literal. Or, performance: the "minute-man in an hour world."

Uncommunicative people usually think too much, and most shy people are overthinkers. When something has hurt you deeply, your natural reaction distorts reality a little. Then, as you learn to be shy (yes, it's learned), you communicate less. It may surprise you as it did me, that on a confidential questionaire, 40% of people describe themselves as shy! Only 5% said "outgoing". Makes it kinda easier, doesn't it? Armed with that information (that you are not alone in those feelings), you can act much freer.

Speaking of acting, it's true that many actors are very shy. After all, they've learned early how to pretend to be someone they're not, for fear that who they really are is unacceptable. The thought to apply here is that everybody has a bellybutton. Think about that. Isn't it hard to take someone with a belly-button seriously? (are they an innie or an outie?!)

I once thought of myself as shy. And, of course, nothing in the personality ends suddenly, but just fades away, and leaves traces that are occasionally felt. (They'll haunt you longer if you keep using negative self-definers and thinkin' too much.) Feelings can jump into existence, but fade very slowly; which is almost to say that feelings are personality.

I once wrote a paper for a "rodentistic" psychology class in college. The instructor said I'd been very concise. Knowing I've overdone it before, I said

"Yes, I'm nothing if not concise; however, I'm sometimes so concise as to mean nothing."

I became enamored of maxims: distilled wisdom, I called them. Self-consciousness, frantically practicing and preparing to get a word in edgewise, tends to boil the idea down too much. So much brain is busy being aware of the situation, not enough is left over for the good ideas you do have! While Socrates was right (I'll paraphrase & update) in that, while the unexamined self isn't fully conscious or alive, the over-examined life has no time left over in which to live. Self-consciousness gets in the way of everything, including yourself. Better to be self-aware than self-involved. It's curious that some are only self-involved, avoiding awareness, when the greater the awareness, the greater the freedom. Is it that they have a fear of freedom? The connotation of "self-awareness" (there's less pressure to it) allows you to be less consumed by over-thought.

You may have difficulty getting to sleep at night sometimes when thoughts spin and fly thru your head. Remember that, near sleep, the conscious facet is more in contact with the subconscious. With that contact, all intuition's information is available, and creative juices begin to flow; until sleep arrives. Then, you know in advance, much will be lost that you want to remember and use. You might be better off to lay it all into that bedside tape-recorder and be done with it.

In one of those "a-ha!" moments that feel so good, I discovered what sometimes may be the problem in insomnia. When those spinning thoughts are not of the creative variety, but are only worries, examine whether the morning will bring events you'd rather avoid. If so, tape what you feel, then what you think, and then whatever resolutions you come to about the basic necessities, and trust yourself to handle the more petty stuff as it arrives.

You know that stuff happens, and is dealt with, only one thing at a time. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once! (I know it seems to, but it's just that there's always a collection of things yet to deal with. Which you can do one at a time.) It's said the best preparation for sleep is to empty the mind. But what if you want not to throw it all away? Some's good stuff and some's irrational; so emptying it onto tape will, if not clear it up right then, let you see all you'd thought and felt in fuzzy sleep --in the clear light of the morning's bright brain. (In Dormire Veritas? - In sleepiness there is truth?)

With that out of the way, realize that the conscious mind may be irrational in thinking that, if you go to sleep, the morning will seem to come instantly! The only way it seems you have of postponing the dawn is to stay awake. Hooray! The instant is replaced with hours. Of misery. And reduced capacity the next day. Which came anyway. Take your time and see this through to real acceptance, and you will often be freed of the curse. You can see that it's silly to hurry trying to get to sleep. Realize, maybe even state aloud, your desire for sleep, and that you deserve it. You don't need to try.

"Living in the future" can be an avoidance of problems, but it isn't necessarily. It can be fun in the present to work on plans about the future, even if they're frivolous. It can be miserable in the present worrying about all that could possibly happen in the future. Both can be used to avoid facing changes that may be necessary, even when the result is desired. It's usually easy to tell if you're having fun working with problems or helplessly following a habit of worry. But it's hard to tell if you're using either set of problems as a method of burying the other set; one of more long-term importance. Problems that, in the short term, are much easier to simply deny.

But buried doesn't mean dealt with. Bury the seed of a problem and what do you expect to happen? Out of sight is definitely not out of mind. Buried fears can grow and produce extremely harmful reactions.... I'd volunteered on a hot-line for a battered women's shelter, and noted the histories on the call-in records. Many times she'd taken her broken bones from the hospital back to the guy that broke them. She "reasons" that if he hits her, he must be sick. If he's sick, he needs her. If a man has needs, it's the role so many women were taught that it's her role and duty to supply his needs. The results are often tragic. On several records, stapled at the bottom, were obituaries. They'd wound up burying more than their fears.

I've had such men as clients, and I know that they're in a lot of pain, too. Yet it's obvious that that gives them no right to inflict it on others. It's not always a man over a woman, but often a mother over children, and the giant economy package: all of it in one family. It's not that misery loves company, but that such low self-esteem has no easier-seeming remedy than to wield power over someone weaker: the "identified patient". That victim often turns around and finds someone weaker yet. And the kid kicks the dog. Politically, it's the right-wing solution.
. . But as Adlai Stevenson said, "He who slings mud loses ground." It was never more obviously true than in family violence, and in seeing these men in therapy.

He subscribes to the stoic heroic ideal. He's tough; he'll take pain, physical and psychological, without a whimper. Better to suffer in silence, he sez, than fuss with it. So heavy things accumulate.

Using "will power", "trying", and "controlling" areas foolish as a Matador planning to physically push the bull, instead of standing aside and letting it fly on by. Realize that he has skill, not strength nor self-denial. "Working on it" is but a mild version of the same thing, and "fighting it" is worse. With a clear decision, you simply do it; trying indicates that you have a conflict that you're not consciously aware of! Instead of trying, etcetera, it's vastly easier and more pleasurably growthful to apply yourself; to take permission! To "be determined" has the connotation of asserting identity. You can simply use your natural initiative instead of control.

When they stop their smoke habit, my clients very often cut way down and don't completely stop for some time. I explain this by telling them that the subconscious is "trying on a new identity for size." Later, when it seems safe and comfortable, the new label, "air-breather", may be taken as their own, not as one given by someone else. The main thing to tell them at this time is not to be self-critical. Give the subconscious some time. Continue to lean against the habit, but not so hard that you bring up a rebellion.

The image of the extreme controller that I use most often is that of a pressure cooker; that's how these men feel to me. They build up interior pressure til the weight on top is lifted and steam is vented. Sometimes a person comes in who has controlled himself by holding the pressure inside harder and harder, til he's run out of energy. Then, once in ten whiles, this kind of person becomes a client.

Consider the effect of alcohol on inhibitions when a desire is strongly suppressed. "Inhibitions" includes the desire to avoid something feared; such as the typical fear of communication. The healthy desire could be: a "try" at find release by drinking the inhibitions away. Then --they may think-- it'll be easier to say it honestly. So it's possible to imagine that the drinking has a healthy purpose, but it's hard to imagine it actually working. If inhibitions fail for someone who's held it back for a long time, the steam usually blows off so hard as to scare them. This will only prompt further inhibition in a vicious circle. It must be scary to feel so trapped, like in a whirlpool, headin' down. And "scary" yields "resistance" yields "lack of energy" yields "depression".

In the unlikely event that he comes in for therapy, what he usually wants is for me to teach him new ways to control himself; to put more weight on his lid before he blows his top. After all, every time he's gotten too nervous before, a redoubled effort at control has "solved" the scary problem for a while more. And after that, every time it works, the control method is reinforced and is even more likely to be used again.

But the problem is solved for shorter and shorter times, and the problems get worse and worse. He's threatened now by even a small outside stimulus. Passing that redline is so fearful he'll try what's always seemed to work before: more control. The avoidance reinforces itself. His outer facade finally has hidden all traces of his real self--from himself too! He's hiding so deep inside himself, he feels like he's moving his arms and legs with strings. He's almost numb. Ok, he's an extreme, but remember, few things are not a matter of degree.

He comes to therapy when he's hangin' on the end of his rope, about to explode. (quite a picture, eh?) By that time, almost nothing is under control. Curiously, he'll often sit down and tell me he came to me to make him (not help him) stop smoking. Then he'll talk about every problem he has, except cigarettes. Then I have the small ethical dilemma of working on a problem the client says is not the problem. A therapist can't have his/ her own agenda; so we discuss the change and get to work.

Let me tell ya, it would be very hard to convince him that the answer is to use less control. So I don't... directly; but hypnosis being relaxation, it just happens to be the right direction, and we're off to a good start. Working in dream-like images helps, too.

It seems curious that over-reliance on just the conscious, rational facet of your mind can eventually lead to irrational, even paranoid thoughts and images. It's as if the conscious mind burns out from such high-speed use, and subconscious dream-like images pop up. It's not uncommon for a client like this to imagine that while he's at work, the wife is out selling herself on a streetcorner. It's simply a dream message from the subconscious, telling him that he can never have control over everything, no matter how hard and foolishly he tries. He's usually aware of how silly the idea is, and is embarassed to tell me.

He very likely has low self-esteem, which makes him try all the harder to seem to be confident, which in turn makes him feel like a phony, with a big bad secret to hide inside a tough facade. We all have a bit of that. Perhaps he had an early indoctrination in johnwayne-ism. Or it's a woman, taking on the responsibility of the world. S/he could have been awed by the early image of having to try to be an omnipotent copy of who a parent seems to be to a child.

Anger can be a servant or a master, tending very much to be the latter. It can clue you that you've let assertiveness slide. That's a habit that's likely to grow into bigger problems. Anger can be a smokescreen for feelings of inadequacy; a hopeless subterfuge to hide your feelings. Or, it can be a trigger for awareness and growth.

Sometimes it's hard to know which you've done; deal with it completely, or bury at least some of it. Better to be aware of feelings and communicate them, first to yourself, then others. Better, but not easy. Not easy, but in the long run, so much easier than just using control; mere will power. You deserve to have it easiest; it's the most fun, too, and you deserve that.

An overblown fear of consequences may produce too much thought. When their feelings are not understood, people tend to use rational control as a stopgap and an avoidance. I notice when a client over-uses the word "control", because it's usually a substitute for coping; a band-aid. To cope means to (success-fully) deal with the underlying problem; to control is to try to keep up with just the consequences of not coping. That avoids the problem; temporarily. In financial terms, it's like paying on just the interest, not the principal. When I hear someone call themselves a survivor, I wonder which way they're doin' it: coping or controlling.

All controls are external, really. Even those "internal" controls --pressure to conform to shoulds-- came from others. All we need is our desires and tact; and tact is just knowing that, for your own sake, you want not to be offensive. Cats and babies know. "We're born prince/cesses and our parents and peers turn us into frogs."

Controls compete with the natural drive for identity. Security comes from not needing control. Look at someone who seems secure; does s/he use any great effort at it? Very much the contrary; it looks easy, and it is. Nobody needs control, it's just hard to be fully aware of that, and to simply trust yourself.

Sometimes, though still looking for their crown, a client will stop "far enough for now", and it may be alright (though probably not; avoidance is so easy and tempting). I'll hope they'll do some deliberate self-therapy; and I'll know that their subconscious will continue, both subliminally and in dream-communication. When a lot of therapy needs doing, it may be best to do it in phases, taking a month break at appropriate times for a planned program of self-therapy and integration, but again, this has dangers.

True, nothing ever ends, but fades; but memories and habits that you want to be free of will fade a lot faster once you've dealt with them in therapy.

You'll need courage and perseverance to get through the morass of feelings that you, like everybody else, left undealt-with. It does usually seem necessary to slog your way thru the swamp, not try forever to find a way around it. Yes, you'll get muddy and want to retreat; but go! If you really want to get through it and get really clean, you'll accept that. Consider it the psychological equivalent to a mud bath! This will get you from Terra Terrorum to Terra-Incognita-but-Firma. You might find yourself there.